We are heading into another period of waiting. But we are OK with this. I guess before I go much further, I should come up with a fake name for our future daughter. Let's just call her Sweetie. I spoke with Sweetie's therapist on the phone Friday and he was telling me how this needs to be a slow transition for Sweetie. She had one failed adoption and then more recently the family from Korea went from wanting to call her obsessively to pulling out completely. I can not imagine how difficult that has to be for a 12 year old to process. Needless to say she is going to have some trust issues and we now need to take things slow. I left a message for the foster mom today. I want to talk to her first before we set up a Skype with Sweetie. This will slow down the progress of moving her in, but that is OK. We want to make sure we do this right and give us the best chance at a smooth transition. Putting the child's needs first...that is what being a parent is all about right? Ultimately I would like to get her moved in by early July...giving her time to acclimate to us and the community, before starting a new school.More updates to come.:)
We received the email today about the preteen girl in Florida stating that the other family that was also interested in her has had to back out. I am not sure why, I am sure it would have been difficult to coordinate a transition from Korea. I have been praying that if we are meant to be her family that it would go forward easy and if not that the other family would have been chosen. What a relief to not have to wait for the call to see who was chosen at the Match Meeting. They are still going to meet just to discuss us and work on a transition plan. Her therapist is going to talk to her about us on Thursday of this week and then we will talk to her on the phone next week. After that we will go down for a visit a couple times and then do a few weekend visits her. I think it will be best to let her finish up school in Florida.
I will update everyone as we receive more details :) Yay!
Today was just a nice day. No major ups or downs. Just a beautiful spring day here in Charlotte.
I went to our SPAFA meeting this morning, where we had an awesome speaker, Melissa Robinson of Whole Child Coaching. We had several new couples come in. They made me think of how far we have come in the last 15 months. How much I have learned, not only about adoption...but also myself. I have been pushed beyond my comfort zone so many times that I don't even think I have one anymore. I look at the positive changes I have made in my life over this time. I have cut negative people from my life, I have grown some wonderful friendships, I have educated myself and I have found a church that I really like and feel comfortable in. I look at how this process has actually improved my relationship with my husband Cris. Not that we were having any major issues before. But, the process forces a lot of communication between a couple. It is completely uncomfortable at times and you learn to lean on each other. We have really found out so much about ourselves and each other during this process.And for this I am grateful.
There was something about seeing the faces of people that are so hopeful and eager to get started and I remember being there. I realized that during all of the giant ups and downs I lost that feeling somewhere. Reflecting on that I have a renewed sense of excitement and hope.
Friday, one of my best friends gave me an adoption tee shirt that says "Yes I am adopting. No I haven't heard anything yet.......But each day brings me closer to my child."
So many times I have gotten caught up with the first part of the statement and forget about the last part.... EACH DAY BRINGS ME CLOSER TO MY CHILD! Wow, Right? So, I need to just appreciate that each day that I am in fact getting closer.
The next 3 weeks will be pretty eventful. We are being considered for 3 different kids during their Match Meetings. We have a matching event next Sunday where we will go bowling with a bunch of foster children from our county. That will be fun!
This coming weekend my brother, wife and my niece are coming to visit from NY, the weekend after my parents are coming to visit. The following week I go to Disney with Kim and Nia! So this is going to be an amazing few weeks. Lord knows, with things being so crazy busy, this will probably be when we get called for our match! And you won't hear this girl complain if it happens that way :)
So, I have been pretty down for the last week or so. The process of reviewing children bios and submitting ours to committees only to be rejected has been weighing on me very heavily. I was talking to my friend Kim today about how isolating it is. At this point we have been doing this for over 14 months. The novelty has worn off and I think people are tired of hearing about it. I don't blame anyone...if I am to be honest with myself, why would anyone want to hear about kids that are not ever going to be be a part of my life.
I received a bio on 3 girls the other day. Ages 9,6 and 3. They are cute, sweet and very happy children. I asked my social worker to submit our home study to be considered for these kiddos. Normally there is not any information on the home study for the social worker, but this bio had her phone number. So, I was able to call this am to see if she received my bio and shocker (insert sarcasm here) she never received it from my social worker.
We talked for about 20 minutes about us and the girls. The social worker said she was very excited about us and asked for our home study and photo profile scrapbook. She said she would review and get back to us. I am praying that these girls are the reason things did not work out with baby Leah. :)
First I have to say yay we got our Foster License emailed to us!!! Notice it was approved 2 months ago. Funny. So, in the last month I submitted my PPA out 35 times. Crazy! Out of that we have only received a few bios and out of those bios most of the kids were already placed. We are going to a Matching Event next weekend. Hoping to make some connections with social workers there. I was on an adoption forum earlier and someone wrote about how it took 3 years to get matched.. There is absolutely no way I am waiting 3 years. I am trying to be patient but my patience is wearing very thin. I do not understand this at all... Praying all day that our child(ren) are on their way.
I can not imagine this journey without my friends Kim and Shelli. They had been so supportive of us during this very long journey!!!
That is how long it has taken to get approved to be foster license. What that means is we are approved to have children live in our home. This will help speed along the process once we are chosen for a family.
It also allows us to take at Legal Risk children as well, if we choose.
I have had my PPA sent to social workers for 20 different individual or sibling groups.
We are also putting the word out there if anyone knows of anyone looking for a home for their unborn child we are willing to consider private adoption.
Keep the prayers coming ya'll! They are very much appreciated!
There is no use in sitting around any longer pouting... Leah is gone, she is not coming back and I need to just accept that. So, I am back into volunteer mode. I might as well be doing something positive with myself.
So Tuesday night I am volunteering with the The Right Start- Parenting for Life Program through CHS. Which provides parenting skills, and education using the Nurturing Parent Program curriculum for parents with minimal or no family or financial support who are presently in foster care or will age out of care at 18, or who are already out of foster care. Services are designed to help provide a safe, stable, nurturing environment for their children and to help these parents regain or maintain custody.
I actually donated all of Leah's things to this same group. These girls do not have an support and no one besides this program to show them how to be good parents. I am hoping that I can be part of something that can change their lives and make a difference in their children's lives.
Saturday, Kim, Nia and I are volunteering at Kid's Against Hunger for my birthday. We will be packaging up hundreds of dehydrated meals to be sent to those who need it most.
I have always had a heart for giving. And have been volunteering on and off for a while now. But this week as I sat in Sunday service Bruce again struck a chord.
The main passage this week was James 1:27 Pure and undefiled religion before God the Father is this: to care for orphans and widows in their misfortune and to keep oneself unstained by the world. One of the deep core values of being a Christian is speaking for those who can not speak for themselves. To care for those who can not care for themselves. Those who know me know that I am not one to throw my faith around and talk about what a great Christian I am. Lord knows, I am far from a role model. I cuss like a sailor and make mistakes, but I do try to live my life nobly. Key word is try. Like I mentioned earlier, I have volunteered a lot on and off lately. But when it was good for me. What spoke to me most this week is giving even when it is not comfortable. When it is not easy. That is why I am choosing to volunteer with the Right Start program. There is a great need for positive people in these girls lives and this will be the most uncomfortable place for me to volunteer. With all of the troubles I have had with not being able to have a baby and then the situation with Leah falling apart, helping a group of teen moms will be the most out of my comfort zone as I can get. But it is what has presented itself to me today and I am going to take it on.
Maybe I will fail miserably at it, but I am going to try.
Sitting around waiting for a family is not doing me any good, so I am going to try and help as many families get on track as I can.
So with that being said, I am signing off for the night :)
The whole time you are going through getting your PPA (Home Study) approved you keep thinking "If I can just get approved, we will be able to get our kids!".
That was another big misconception we had. There is a new movement in adoption from foster care. They are no longer looking for children for families, but are looking for families for children. I understand the concept behind this and it sounds good on paper. But the reality is it makes the process so much longer.
And unfortunately some families may never get kids. This was very disheartening to hear.
The process as far as I can tell goes like this... if you find a child's brief online bio you are interested in you tell your social worker, they in turn send your PPA to the social worker f the child. That social worker than has to review all the PPA's of different families and narrow it down to potential families. You can't even get a full bio on a child unless you are picked as a potential family. And for several of the sibling groups we have put in for, over 60 families applied for the same kids...so the chances of getting picked are not great. Not as bad as hitting the lottery, but still 1 in 60 are still pretty crappy odds. :(
What I wonder about is there are thousands of children available for adoption, but less than 200 listed online. How do you get matched with others? There is no one out there looking to help with this process, and being proactive and sending your own PPA out is frowned upon. I am a doer and I am having a hard time leaving the fate of my family in the hands of a social worker that has too many families to get approved and find children for.
So, the sad reality is I don't see our family coming together any time soon. It is very sad. I look at the kid's rooms, that have been sitting there ready for children to be in there. I am sorry I am a downer, but I swore I would be true to the experience...the good's and the bad's. Unfortunately, we are just in the bad spot right now.
For now, I read as much as I can on adoption issues such as attachment and spend time around people I care about. I am so grateful for my fabulous family and friends. Without them, I don't believe we would make it through this process. For now I just pray and have faith that everything is happening how it should.
Special Thanks to Amy for the cd she made with this fabulous song.
So, we met with our social worker and her supervisor last evening to talk about moving forward. We discussed a lot of different things. The movement in is now Finding Families for Children not Finding Children for Families. With that being said they also shared that not everyone will get to adopt. They gave an example of a 5 & 3 year old sibling group that we inquired about...there were over 60 families who wanted to be considered. 65!! That is so crazy, but it is reality!
As disappointed as I may be in recent events with Tiny, I have a peace that it is ok and Tiny is where she needs to be. Maybe her bio-mom will do what she needs to do and she will get her back. I can pray for that for her. I really feel like my purpose was to get her through her medical needs. For those who do not know, Tiny had some pretty bad respiratory issues while with us and we spent many hours doing nebulizer treatments and had many Dr visits in a short amount of time. Her crisis period has subsided and she is in a theraputic foster home that can monitor and continue to treat her respiratory issues.
As for us, we are hitting the pavement hard with looking for our future children. We are registered with Adoptuskids and NCKids. We were sent a couple of potential matches. There was a sibling group here in NC that was sent to me as a potential match. A boy 13 and a girl 9. No emotional problems, both excel in school, like animals, being active and most importantly affectionate and wanting to be adopted. The more research I have done, the more I have seen how many kids don't want to be adopted. They have an idealized vision that they will go back to biofamily and everything will be fine. I did an inquiry on the children and was asked to submit my home study to see if we could be a match. I was told that if we looked like a potential match that they would forward our home study to the children;s social worker. And I was told to check back sometime next week. Within 20 minutes I had an email that we looked like a potential match and that she was forward us on.
So We are pretty excited. Keep us in your prayers and thoughts.
Devastate: : to reduce to chaos, disorder, or helplessness. This would be the perfect definition of the results of the day.
As I thought it would, last weeks family planning meeting set off a chain of events that brought our whole process to a complete stop and then reverse. The comments that were made during that meeting in hopes of supporting kinship care being transferred to me backfired in a major way. During the meeting Grandma said that she could not take care of the 2 girls together, that is why she wants me to take care of Tiny. That is what started the path to Tiny being transferred to a kinship home back in the county she came from. We got news yesterday that DSS was coming today to get her to move her back there. That is when we started on a legal wild goose chase. Ultimately we ended up in a lawyers office and Grandma had an approval from a judge on an emergency temporary custody. 30 minutes later we get a call that the judge spoke to DSS and that he tore up the signed custody order. Tiny is now on her way back to the county she came from and Cris & I are left with nothing, but a house full of reminders that she was here.
I am telling myself that there is a reason this happened. Maybe Tiny was here just to get healthy. I am not sure why, but there is a reason it did not work out. I come back to a sermon that Pastor Bruce gave, and I know I have mentioned it before. Sometimes you just don't get what you want. I still trust that God has a plan for us and adoption is how we are going to build our family. We might be knocked down, but we are not knocked out.
01/06/2011- Submitted Application to CHS 02/19/2011- First Meeting with Social Worker- filled out initial paperwork 03/26/2011- Finger Printing 04/01/2011- 05/014/2011- MAPP Training 04/09/2011- Assigned 2nd Social Worker 04/23/2011- Background Checks Cleared 04/26/2011- Home Visit 05/02/2011- Fire Inspection 05/03/2011- Had to get Manual Finger Prints because electronic ones I was advised to get done are only good for 30 days 05/08/2011- Our Profiles Turned in to Social Worker 05/23/2011- References Done 06/06/2011- Per Social Worker CHS is processing all our paperwork (can take up to 50 days for approval) 06/07/2011- Marriage Certificate and Divorce Decrees mailed to Greensboro 06/08/2011- Discipline Agreement Signed and Mailed in 06/16/2011- Photo Profiles mailed to Greensboro 06/24.2011- Mailed in Diplomas to Greensboro 07/08/2011- Home Visit from social worker- requesting I see therapist 07/19/2011- Start therapy 08/02/2011- Assigned 3rd Social Worker 08/09/2011- physicals/tb test 08/13/2011- met new Social Worker - another Home Visit for Foster Home Application 08/29/2011- psychological testing, couples therapy and released from therapy (therapist saying she can not find anything wrong) 09/16/2011- psychological reports mailed in. 10/05/2011- 12 Skills worksheet filled out and turned in 10/06/2011- Vet Records submitted 10/8/2011- received a call telling us they have children that they think we will be perfect parents for ( but 3 boys). 10/25/2011- another Home Visit. Signed our foster home application. Told our paperwork should be sent up to the committee in about a week. Gave her copies of reference letters that had previously been sent to old social worker 11/05/2011 Received an email that we need another Home Visit to finalize paperwork. 11/10/2011 Home Study sent from our social worker to her supervisor for approval (it then comes to us for approval then the review committee) 11/20/2011 Contact with family about adopting Baby L :) . Email to Social Worker about expediting our foster license 11/22/2011 Second Fire Inspection (first one expired) 11/23/2011 told needed to replace marriage license and divorce decrees ( ordered from NY State and awaiting delivery) Mike sent me his original and I ordered a copy for him, and we had one last original of marriage certificate. 12/06/2011- Should receive final divorce decree today. 12/23/2012- CHS Approved Home Studdy (PPA) 02/24/2012- Inquiry sent to Children Awaiting Parents about Sweetie & her Sister in Florida 02/28/2012- Foster License Arrived 03/06/2012- Paperwork filled out Florida paperwork to proceed with matching 03/19/13- Match Staffing Scheduled and we were approved to be a match for Sweetie 04/08/2012- First Phone Call 05/11/2012- 05/13/2012- First Meeting In Florida 06/08/2012- 06/17/2012 Trip to Disney and First visit to NC for Sweetie 07/14/2012- Sweetie Moved In! 07/26/2012- Sweetie mailed in her consent to be adopted 09/14-09/26/2012- Sweetie hospitalized 10/06/2012- ADOPTION FINALIZED!! Sweetie is legally our daughter 12/24/2012- Sweetie’s Birth Certificate with us listed as parents arrived 02/22/2013- Sweetie admitted to PRTF 08/22/2013-Sweetie discharged from PRTF 10/30/2013- Sweetie Hospitalized 2nd time 11/11/2013- Sweetie admitted to different PRTF 05/30/2014- Sweetie discharged from 2nd PRTF & started Day Treatment 07/3/14 -07/18/14-Sweetie Hospitalized for 3rd time 07/18/14-08/10/2014 - Sweetie in temporary group home 08/10/2014-Sweetie admitted to 3rd PRTF 10/05/2014- Child #2 -Matched with birth mom- she is 4 months pregnant. 10/05/2014 fundraising started, lawyer and home study agencies secured. 10/22/2014- first fundraising goal of $2000 raised by doing envelope fundraiser and selling my watercolor paintings 10/22/2014- first meeting with adoption lawyer- retainer paid 10/24/14- Background checks completed 10/25/2014- physicals complete 11/07/2014- home study paperwork mailed to Triangle Adoption Services. (Home study paid 11/14/14 Homestudy paperwork sent in to agency 11/19/14 First call with Birth Mom :) 11/25/15- Social Worker interviewed Sweetie 12/03/14- First email communication with Birth Mom 12/06/14- Met Birth Mom and her family 12/11/2014- Home Study Visit 12/17/14- 2nd Home Study Visit & visit with baby's mom 12/31/14- Ultrasound to find out it is a BOY! Baby Spartacus! 01/21/15- Birth mom signs initial legal paperwork, legal father signs consent form for adoption 01/22/15- Home Study Approved 01/26/15- Cherokee Indian Tribe consented to adoption 03/09/15- Baby Spartacus is born 03/10/15- Bio mom relinquished rights 03/16/15- Bio father served to request relinquishment. 04/21/15- Bio father contest adoption 6/12/15- Spartacus meets his birth brother on mom's side. :) 06/17/15- Court hearing for necessity of birth father's consent. 07/03/15- Motion Granted that father's consent not required. 07/21/15- Home Study Agency sent Court Report in so adoption can be finalized. 08/04/15- Spartacus' adoption finalized!!!!! 08/21/15- Sweetie transitioned to IAFT 06/08/16- Sweetie transitioned to TFC- she changes her plan to reunification with birth family when 18 (1.5 years from now)09/30/16- Sweetie transferred to another placement due to behavioral issues. It is decided, there will be no reunification with our family. Her plan is to stay in TFC as long as possible and then transition into living. 04/19/2017- Sweetie transferred to another placement due to behavioral issues. Wrap Around Services Started 06/21/2017- Sweetie started with Youth Villages Life Set Program 08/14/2017- Youth Villages Life Set Program terminated due to Sweetie refusing to work the program 09/20/2017- Wrap Around Services Terminated due to Sweetie refusing to work the program. 03/17/2018 Sweetie turns 18.
