Monday, October 26, 2015

In My Arms

Today was a really rough day for Spartacus. On Thursday he fell out of his stroller while at a friend's house. He just had a couple minor scrapes. He had no signs of any other issues. He was fine Friday. Then yesterday he started to develop some swelling. I called the Dr and they said to hot compress it and keep an eye on it. This am when we woke up the swelling covered his entire forehead and went all the way up to where his curls start under his hair. It was the kind of swelling you can push on and leave an indent.
I immediately called back to the Dr. They had us come in to see him. As soon as the doctor walked in and looked at him for a few seconds she told me she was going to call over to the ER. She left and came back and sent us directly to a local children's emergency room, she was worried that there was a fracture in his skull. They were waiting for us when we got there and took us right back. They had to take him in for a CT Scan or his skull. They did not let us go with him for this because they have to strap him down and said it is very rough on the parents to see. Once results were read they found that there was not a fracture! However there was a bleeding between his skull and the next layer of tissue.

The bleeding will continue until enough pressure builds up in the space to stop the bleeding. 
The ER pediatrician consulted with the neurosurgeon and came back to talk with us.
Because of the large amount of blood loss they needed to test his blood levels. That was another awful procedure for him. They said is his hemoglobin was down we would have to stay and he would need a blood transfusion, but if it levels were ok we could go home and follow up tomorrow with our doctor. The neurosurgeon did not feel that this was a neurological issue at all. So, we will follow up tomorrow.  I am so grateful for the many prayers and text today. I am grateful for my friend Melissa who came to the hospital to be with us. Thanking God tonight for protecting my little man and for the sense of peace that I have had through out the day. 

I took a couple months off from blogging. Part because it was just more of the same thing. I get tired about writing about being rejected all the time and I am sure people don't really want to read about it any more. I have been trying to concentrate on living in the moment with Spartacus and working on improving myself. I am getting to a point in my journey with Sweetie that I am finally accepting it is not my responsibility to fix her and there is a good chance that she will never love me as her mom. I am coming to believe that at best she may view me as a coach, She has to want to heal herself, no one can do it for her. There is a sadness and a freedom in accepting this. I am sad because I feel I have failed as her mom. I feel I have let her down, I wasn't enough. The freedom is that it is ok that I was not enough, I was never meant to be enough. As much as we want to wrap our children up in our arms and protect them from every hurt, we can't always. Sometimes, things just happen. Both physically and emotionally.