tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10121476328669383122024-03-19T07:44:47.186-04:00MAKING OUR FAMILYSometimes it's the family you're born into and sometimes it's the one you make for yourself.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger189125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1012147632866938312.post-74108980245413847662018-03-16T22:56:00.000-04:002019-05-31T10:41:06.873-04:00Take Courage<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This time 6 years ago, I was engulfed in utter despair over the loss of baby Leah. A hole was torn into my heart that awful day and even though there has been healing there is still that same ache that has stuck with me since that day. But on that darkest of days I truly cried out to God for the first time. Yelling, crying, pleading. The pain was so enormous I felt it would swallow me up and not let go. So I did what I do and I stuffed that pain away into it's tiny little box inside that hole and I dove into the next thing. Just days after the loss of Leah I got a match for Sweetie. She was this beautiful, petite 11 year old girl with the prettiest blue eyes and sweet singing voice. Coming from her own journey of loss and trauma, it felt like we were meant for each other. Over the next 6 years I tried everything I could to help Sweetie heal. I spent years putting hope in myself that I could do it, that I could get her the right treatments, that I could be the perfect therapeutic parent, that I could love her enough. But in the end I was not enough, I was never enough and I was never meant to be enough. For years my pride kept me from seeing that. Even now I still battle the feeling that I have failed. I know in my head that she is God's and I am not The Christ. I know in my head I was never capable of healing her broken soul. But getting that message to stick in my heart is difficult. I have been working on this for a little over a year preparing for the time to come when her journey would split from mine. And now we are at that split. Tomorrow Sweetie will turn 18. </div>
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So at this point she is out there somewhere. She wants nothing to do with us and I have to let her go. </div>
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And again the ache of loss is gnawing at me. It is like she has died but she is around to haunt us. I can't do anything to protect her from others and herself. I have to work on forgiving her for everything that we have been put through. I have to let go of the bitterness from losing our dream of a large family. I need to be grateful for what God has done for us. How he has given is the amazing gift of Spartacus. And how he used our trials with Sweetie to develop skills that I now use to help other kids and families. Tomorrow, I will allow myself space to mourn the loss of my daughter. But after that I will focus again on what God has done for me and what he has planned for me. I will take courage that He will finish all He's begun. </div>
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<iframe allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/xwvkLYJkOkk" width="560"></iframe><br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1012147632866938312.post-1083656189775468752017-09-23T01:26:00.001-04:002019-05-31T10:45:58.303-04:00Human<div style="text-align: center;">
Just 'cause I predicted this<br />
Doesn't make it any easier to live with<br />
And what's the point of knowin' it<br />
If you can't change it?<br />
You can't change, can't change it</div>
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140 days until Sweetie turns 18. One Hundred and Forty Days and I will no longer be able to advocate for her. This month, like every month before this over the last several years, I attended our monthly meeting. Driving there I felt the familiar nausea and anxiety that I have experienced every month.<br />
I flash back to the beginning of our journey when the social worker told me not to adopt this child, that she was unadoptable. That we would end up relinquishing her if we did adopt her. I remember how angry I was. But also how naïve and prideful I was to believe I could fix her . Would I do it all over again? Insanely, I would have to say yes. She may not have allowed me to be her mom , but I did become one heck of an advocate. This journey also weeded out people in my life and replaced them with amazing , strong, real friends that get hard things and love me (hot mess and all). I have come to rely on God so completely, because I simply am incapable of doing it alone. Incapable of loving her unconditionally without God's grace for her and for myself.<br />
So, I have no clue what will happen over the next 4 1/2 months. I don't even know what will happen tomorrow. And as hard as that once was, I am becoming more comfortable in that space of not knowing.<br />
Friends, please do be praying for our girl- for something to click and for God to continue protecting her. And for Cris and I as we face the grief of losing our daughter (even though she will be walking the earth). Thank you all for being along on this journey.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1012147632866938312.post-51909835530255720322017-07-25T23:09:00.000-04:002018-02-09T17:48:35.941-05:00Derailed<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I want to preface this entry by saying I still love adoption. I think it is one of God's designs to correct some of the brokenness of the world. I have adopted 2 children. One is a story of how I imagine God designed it. It is a story of miracles and joy. My other child's story is one of soul wrenching pain. </div>
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Both are stories of redemption and both I would do again in a heart beat. And with all my heart I believe that both children were brought to me by God.</div>
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Today I am struggling with my eldest. 5 1/2 years go we were matched with a cute, spunky 12 year old girl. We had just come off the hardness of losing Baby Leah and we just felt that this child was meant to be ours. We received her profile and I was just heartbroken with the situations in which this child had survived. We knew she had issues but we were naïve in our thinking that enough love, therapy and prayer could fix her. I knew I could fix her. I studied every book I could get my hands on about Reactive Attachment Disorder. I attended conferences, listened to Cd's and podcast. I even started to see an attachment specialist before we even made our first communication. I knew everything there was no know. We set up safety plans for our house, put chimes on doors, cameras in shared areas of the house. I was ready, I should rephrase that, I thought I was ready. </div>
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Since that day I have had to come face to face with my "Savior Complex". In all honesty I thought I could fix this child. Over the last 5 years we experienced so many insanely difficult times. And I kept pushing, trying to find yet another kind of therapy that might work, a new medication a new program anything to help me fix her. But this past year it hit me like a slap to the face, it is NOT my job to fix her. It never was. I am not Christ. I still have to choke those words out. I am not the Christ. That statement was one of the first I remember our pastor saying when he first came to our church</div>
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When I heard them, I was like ok , I get it, we are not Christ... yeah, yeah, yeah... let's get onto the music already. I have to say my church has some pretty awesome music. So I packed that message away with the hundreds of messages I have heard through out my life, not realizing now a year or so later it would be a statement I make almost daily. I am not going to rehash the details of our trials over the last few years. Basically a ton of crazy behaviors to push us away because accepting love was too scary for her brain to allow. some of it documented in this blog but most not.</div>
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But everything came to a head this year when Sweetie started communicating with her biological father. The same man whose rights were terminated. Once that communication started her behavior towards us got worse again. We sat in family therapy session were she threatened us that if we did not disrupt our adoption to her, that she would make DSS reports and have the remove her from us. We told her we would not dissolve our adoption. And she stuck to her word and the accusations started again. We have been on this ride before and knew what to expect. This time it was scarier because we have Spartacus and DSS could remove him as well as her. </div>
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So month after month me we keep showing up and jumping through what ever hoops are placed in front of us. But the closer to 18 she gets the worst she gets. Her behaviors are still challenging and she is on her 3rd placement in the last year. She is on her last home that will accept her now and the foster mom is already ready to give up. When this happens all hell will break lose for our family. The agency will try to force her home. The only words she says to us are rude comments and cutting us off. She does not want to come back and honestly we aren't willing to with how unstable she is. She is at times dangerous and we will not put our 2 year old in danger of being hurt. Bringing her home would be neglectful toward him. When we reject her coming home we will be brought up on charges from DSS for Neglect and Abandonment. We will be punished because there is nowhere for her to go. So we will end up in front of a judge and he will determine her fate. </div>
The agency she is with now has been trying to relinquish her so she can be in foster care until 21. Giving her a chance to work on herself. That makes sense, but if we do that we will automatically be charged and the judge will be harsher on us. If we wait for the agency to run out of placements because of her behaviors we still face DSS and charges, but we have a better chance of the judge waiving charges, So, things are a complete mess. I have to give it to God every day! I have to remember he is bigger than this and that Sweetie is still capable of being healed. So, for now we wait. I strangely am at peace of what ever happens. In my heart I want to foster and adopt several children. But God may have different plans for me. Friends I ask that you keep us in your thoughts and prayers. The rejection can be so unbearably hurtful at times. And I am struggling with secondary PTSD from the years of trauma inflicted on us. The system shouldn't be this complicated. But it is almost impossible to navigate. Please join me in praying for 2 things. First for healing for Sweetie, that she will feel God's presence in her life, Secondly pray for a very direct pathway for her to transition into adulthood. There is so much more, but my brain hurts from the 3 hour meeting today. <br />
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Thank you for supporting our little family. I don't know what we would do without all of our friends that love us and our girl so unconditionally. </div>
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/lBg8qXkkOxE" width="560"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1012147632866938312.post-71409069006742039182017-01-10T22:45:00.000-05:002017-01-10T23:32:10.521-05:00She's Gone, But You're Here<br />
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The day I left the hospital with Spartacus 9 months ago I was contacted by a mom I know in the adoption community asking me to provide respite care for a couple weeks for their adoptive daughter while they waited for a bed to open in a group home.</div>
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After spending almost a month in the hospital with lil man, it was the last thing I wanted to do. But I know from Sweetie how hard it is to have an unsafe child in the home while you wait for an opening in a higher level of placement so I agreed. So per the mother's request I drove over an hour away to pick her up and brought her into my home. For privacy sake I will call this child Sparkle. Because that is what she has done. Sparkle came from a hard beginning of life, but in much different ways than kids in our system. Sparkle was born in Africa and lost both of her parents at a young age and was then adopted into the US by one family, who then rehomed her to another family. In my opinion Re-homing is a form of human trafficking. This is a short video about that.</div>
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The family she was rehomed into a very large family made up primarily of "adopted" kids, most from rehoming situations. That is a big part of her story and why the next 9 months became so complicated.</div>
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Assuming what Sparkle's family had told we was the truth, I was expecting a manipulative, lying and abusive child. My husband and I, as well as our home are prepared for children like this. We have camera's and alarms on doors. We have lived a therapeutic parents for so long now, it is part of who we are as people. I expected Sparkle to honeymoon for a while and thought we might get lucky and it would last the couple weeks until she got into a group home. I assumed her family had already taken necessary steps like a psych eval and that the group home was recommended by a licensed professional. When Sparkle first came to me, she wanted to emancipate from her family. She didn't want to tell me why. I talked to her about how difficult the process was and was able to talk her out of trying to emancipate.</div>
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So, I did what I should do, I worked with Sparkle on accepting that going to the group home was in her best interest. I talked to her about the homes I have seen and been to. I talked about how their programs worked and how she would be in a safe place to work through all the things she went through in her childhood. After some discussion she agreed that it would be a good thing to do. </div>
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She was still a bit nervous so I suggested we visit the place and meet the team who worked there. The day we went to visit this "group home" was awful, the place had so many reflags that I immediately begged her family not to send her. I did some research and found the home wasn't even a licensed home and practiced very non therapeutic practices. I begged and pleaded with the family. I prayed for God to open their eyes. But they wanted her locked away in this place until she was 18. They told me many times that they didn't want her. I even offered to take guardianship instead of sending her to this place. They did not listen to my pleads. Everything in my being screamed that we needed to help this girl. I consulted with some mentors and prayed about it quite a bit and then my husband and decided we would try to help her emancipate. At this point they had not communicated with their child at all and sent minimal support. Once the emancipation was filed they stopped any support. Over time more and more information came to light that just proved she needed help desperately and I promised I would do all I could to help her. About 4 weeks before her emancipation hearing, her family picked her up to take her to the "group home". At the first hearing the judge removed her from the group home and we became her legal placement. We went back and forth to court multiple times. Unfortunately, she could not be emancipated because she couldn't get a job. She was unable to get a job because her parents would not release her social security card. In the 9 months she was here, they would not support her schooling. So she was left without an education. One of her friend's mother homeschooled, so she put together a curriculum for her so that she could work on her schooling. Her education had been previously serious lacking. Months passed and I never saw any of the behaviors the parents reported. </div>
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A psych eval was scheduled and that found that she is a normal teenage girl. In order to keep her from having to return home, they turned the case into a DJJ case for running away. In which she never did, but it was the only thing that would keep her from going back and being sent right back to the "group home". It has been a horrible mess of legal issues and torment on this poor girl. Too much to even begin to write about. Meanwhile her family never contacted her. Instead of attempting to work on relationship with her, they put their efforts into trying to destroy the reputation of anyone who tried to support her. It has been so incredibly on the 3 families who have been supporting Sparkle during this. One even being chased out of her church. As part of the DJJ case she is now under the care of DSS and their model is reunification, even if that is not what the plan of the judge is. The family has spread so many lies and manipulated so much that Sparkle was ordered to go to a bordering school for 2 weeks and we are to have absolutely no communication with her. The family has convinced DSS that the I have manipulated Sparkle into doing all of this to rip their family apart. That she is doing all of this because I want her to. Her plan was not even to end up here. I have always been the one who would sit down with her and do pros and cons bout any decisions. I even told her as an adult I would pick the boarding school because it really is a good program and that she will get free college after that. But I understood that she wanted to be with her friends and close to her siblings. I trust God has a special plan for this child. She is strong and smart. She has represented herself against a lawyer and her family in several court appearances. I am so proud of her. She goes back to court in 2 weeks and the judge will talk to her about how she feels the school is and at that point make a final decision on her placement there. I am not upset about the school, it truly is a wonderful opportunity. But my heart hurts as I got to be a part of her being torn away from us today sobbing. For 9 months she has been part of our family. She has been listened to, she has seen how I live out living like Jesus. She has come to know God in her own terms, not in an adults. My heart truly grieves for her tonight because the last thing she said to me is "There can not be a God, he wouldn't let this happen". I am working on a Beth Moore Study called " A Woman's Heart" and something she said in it sticks with me... This is God's plan A for us. He already knows our path. He has already been there and he is there in it with her now as he is here with me know. Anytime you open your home and your heart to a child that is not yours, there is a very high chance you will have your heart broken. But as Ann Voskamp states in her book The Broken Way it takes breaking of anything for anything to grow... that even the mightiest of oaks was once a cracked tiny seed. Even our beings are made of broke cells that divide over and over again, creating us. My paraphrasing may be slightly off there, but you get the point. God does break us to make room for him. He breaks our hearts so that it can be capable of expanding to hold more love. He lends me these children for a bit of time so that I may water broken seeds and fertilize. And they often get repotted to thrive. They are ultimately his children and that brings me peace. So tonight I sit here staring at a beautiful painting Sparkle bought me for Christmas with her own earned money. I am grateful for my time with her. She has helped me grow in Christ and made me more accountable as a Christian. There is nothing like a teenager to make sure you are practicing what you preach. I am not the biggest on the preaching part, but she made me better at the practicing part anyways. I really care that she sees Christ love in me. I know I may not get to talk to her for 15 months until she turns 18. If that is God's plan, I will be ok with it. I can't wait to see what this little seedling grows into with the proper care in this boarding school. I imagine she will be a mighty oak, strong, able to withstand the most fierce of storms. For now I sit here, she is gone, but God, well my friends he is here. </div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/uma52yCJqrk?list=RDuma52yCJqrk" width="560"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1012147632866938312.post-79175108688232780532017-01-06T21:22:00.002-05:002017-01-07T10:34:26.857-05:00Changes Come<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Changes come, turn my word around. </div>
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After a year sabbatical, I am returning to blogging. I should begin with sharing why I stopped. <br />
Sweetie has always known about my blog. She has read it at times. Last December she used it as a form of triangulation between her therapist and myself. Even though there is no identifying information she tried saying the reason she can't trust me is my blog. I knew it was a manipulation so she didn't have to work on her issues during her session but I still decided to take it out of the equation and just stopped. I originally planned on taking a few month break and then life hit warp speed. I will do my best to wrap it all up in as few words as possible while still giving proper attention to key events of the year. I want to put a disclaimer. 2016 was awful, really agonizingly awful. But in the complete mess that was 2016, God was ever present. <br />
The first 3 months were pretty status quo. Driving often to Winston Salem for meetings and visits with Sweetie while she was in her IAFT placement. She did fairly well while there. But visits home were always a challenge. Spartacus had his first birthday and we celebrated with a Hungry Caterpillar birthday party. It was a lot of fun with many people packed into our small home.<br />
Then April happened... My husband headed to his hometown of Portoviejo Ecuador for a 2 week visit. Spartacus started with a high fever of 102.9. I took him to the doctor but they couldn't find anything and ruled it viral. During the week the fever persisted and I called multiple times but there were no other symptoms, so they said just keep him comfortable with Motrin and Tylenol. Then Spartacus' jaw swelled up on one side, we headed back to the pediatrician and she thought it could be the mumps or an infection of the parotid gland. She put him on antibiotics.<br />
Within a day, his jaw swelled up even larger and he spiked a fever that was over 104, so I headed to the emergency room. After bloodwork and an ultrasound, he was admitted and they found he had a growth in his neck that might be infected. They started him on steroids and antibiotics. <br />
The next day when I ran home to check on my pups and shower quickly, I walked in to find my schnauzer Boobah collapsed lying in his own urine. He had a stroke sometime during the night. A couple of friends immediately came over to help me get him to the emergency vet and I had to say goodbye to my most beloved dog. I lost a piece of my heart that day. As challenging as my life had been to that point, that was the worst moment of my life. I immediately had to head back to the hospital. We were in the tiniest little room that didn't even have a real window. The nurses were so sweet and managed to arrange to get me a hospital bed instead of the crib. That way I could sleep in the bed with Spartacus. I brought in my oil diffuser, my favorite quilt and music. That night I laid in that hospital bed in the little room with lights out with only the glow from the diffuser. The air smelled of lavender, roman chamomile and blue tansy. Soft music played, I had a playlist I had made for a friend whose daughter had brain surgery still stored, so it was the perfect music for the moment. In that little closet of a room, it felt like there was only Spartacus, myself and God in the whole world and I was truly at peace. I am so grateful for that little room and those hours of being held by God.<br />
Meanwhile, my husband was still working on trying to get back home. It was a several hour drive to the nearest airport and then he was on standby for a flight home. Once he arrived he was in such a complete state of depression and anger that I had to kick him out of the hospital because he was yelling at people. And then 2 days later on April 16th a 7.8 earthquake hit Ecuador and his home city of Portoviejo was devastated. The building Cris was staying in and should have still been staying in was destroyed. If he was there he would have died. Immediately, I connected the fact that had Spartacus not been hospitalized, I would have lost Cris. Over the next 3 weeks we were in and out of the hospital 2 more times with Spartacus and this growth that became infected with MRSA. We sent 26 days total in the local children's hospital and Spartacus underwent 1 minor surgery to try and drain the infection and then a major one. A pediatric neck specialist was brought in to remove the growth that was now the sized of a baseball, his lymph nodes in his neck, part of his parotid gland and clean out the MRSA infection. Spartacus was a trooper through all of it. Every single day we were surrounded by people who loved us. We were brought meals, toys and coloring books for me. Friends who worked in the hospital came at all hours to check on us and or pray for us. I can not tell you of another time in my life, that I ever felt so well loved. While we were in the hospital with Spartacus, Cris lost his job for taking too much time off. He was told if he didn't come in for work the day of Spartacus' surgery that he didn't have a job. A few days later the truck team he normally drove with flipped on the highway and seriously injured the man who was in the seat where Cris would have been sitting. Again, God used something really horrible to save Cris. Sweetie's reaction to everything we had gone through was extremely hurtful. She stated that we deserved all of it. And then she went back to non-communication with us. Pulling further and further away from us.<br />
The day we were getting discharged from the hospital I received an email asking if I would provide respite care for a teen for 2 weeks. Being me, I said yes. This has turned into a long term placement and a crazy legal battle for this teen, which has resulted in her being placed with us as her court appointed placement. Cris losing his job lead to Cris and I started our own business and it has been doing well. Normal ebbs and flows, but doing well for a new business.<br />
In the middle of all this we moved to be closer to our support system and I was hospitalized twice with MRSA on my face. And then a couple weeks later our church community lost one of it's most beloved members in a motorcycle accident. He was the father of two of the young men I have worked with in our church youth for years. This rocked our church community. Again, I watched as our community surround his family and love them the same way that their family and the rest of the community surrounded us in the hospital. We are just so blessed to receive and share love like this. <br />
Sweetie happened to be scheduled for a home visit during the funeral of my friend. And like every other visit we ad issues. The week after the visit in a therapy appointment she requested that we relinquish her to DSS custody. She shared that she had been in contact with he biological family and wanted to go back to them. We tried to explain that this was not a possibility because their rights were terminated for abuse/neglect and we would be charged with abandonment if we relinquished. <br />
She did not care and threatened to start making false accusations against my husband again. Thankfully she did this in front of her therapist, because we did not relinquish and she stuck to her word. She reported us both for abuse of all kinds. At one point she was freaking out that there was gonorrhea all over her (perfectly clear) face. Stating that my husband raped her and gave it to her. This went on for days.. She went and was test 3 times for VD and all time came back negative. AT the same time her bio family was on their way up from Florida to get her because she told them we were all abusing her and that she was being raped. Due to all this and explosive behaviors in the home, Sweetie was taken back to the local mental hospital again. I was called to be a part of admitting her. While we were there and I was being interviewed by a nurse in an office, Sweetie called DSS and reported that I abandoned her at the hospital.(While I was in the room across the hall from her). Multiple calls and reports were made to DSS by her that week and luckily, none were investigated. Last time we were investigated for false allegations that we almost divorced. This time was scarier becasue we feared that they could remove Spartacus from our home. Sweetie was than moved to a new foster home. This one seems to be good for her and she seems semi-stable. The most stable she has been in the last 4 1/2 years she came to live with us. Her plan is now to reunify with her family when she turns 18 next year and I finally reached the point where I accept that I really can not fix her, I am not The Christ. I had said that so many times before, but now my heart believed it. I have moved my relationship with her to that of an advocate. With all that is going on,I started battle symptoms of what was narrowed down by doctors to be Fibromyalgia. The constant stress from the last several years were taking a toll on my body, I started working with a therapist for treatment of secondary PTSD and deep tissue work a couple times a month on effected joints. Life began to fall into a rhythm. My cousin moved down here from NY and comes to spend time with Spartacus 3 times a week. He is a normal rambunctious toddler, getting into everything and has the sweetest personality, He absolutely loves the young lady living with us and harassing our 3 pups.<br />
We took him on a Disney cruise with his best buddy and their family. It was a sweet break before the storm that was to come. On October 24th one of my best friends has twins at 26 weeks gestation after being in the hospital in labor for 7 days. Both girls were born under 2 pounds. Despite all odds the girls are doing well today and are almost ready to be discharged home. After spending a lot of time in the hospital, I started back to my normal busy life. I spent a good portion of the fall knitting, sewing and painting to make items for a fundraiser for a good friend's adoption from China. There seemed to always be someone having a baby or being in the hospital, so I do what I do to love on people...I cooked. I joined a team going on a mission trip to the Dominican Republic. I have always wanted to go on a mission trip and the last 2 years I couldn't because of the timing. Myself and 2 other young ladies became the fundraising team leaders. We were so excited about our bake sales and other events we had planned. On November 3rd One of these young ladies passed away at the age of 29. A young woman so full of life and love for God that just poured out of her onto everyone she came in contact with. Another huge blow to my church community. And again we did what we do, we began loving on that family. The Sunday before she posted this on Facebook. It hit me, She really got it! This is how life should be lived. On a single sheet of paper she summed up what it meant to live for Jesus. And I wanted this. So this picture is saved on my phone and I look at it every day. I am committed to living this.<br />
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2 weeks to the day later was an absolutely horrendous day. That is the day that one of my sweet boys from my youth group committed suicide. A young man so full of joy, from one of the sweetest families you could ever meet. Nothing could have prepared our community for this loss that has left us all still in a fog. I can still feel the pound of my heart as I walk down the street to tell our closest friends who were very close to the teen. Being the person to break the news was excruciating. I did not want to be the one to do it, but I didn't want them to get it through a phone tree. My heart hurts everyday with the loss of this young man and the loss that our community has experienced as a whole. I miss my young friend and the carefree relationship I had with his sisters. I miss the innocence of our young adults in the youth and that they are all now not so shiny and bright. That has been replaced with deep connections and real hard conversations. There is guilt and doubt. It has drastically changed the landscape of our community forever.</div>
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As if there was not enough pain, a few weeks later another friend and member of our church lost her mother. 3 deaths in less than 7 weeks. In the 15 years prior there had been very few deaths. All 4 deaths in the last 6 months involved major lovers of Jesus and I know they are rejoicing in heaven. But those of us who are left behind are now completely changed. We were a hip, fun church and now we are weary and worn. I imagine the feeling being like that of the Israelites wandering in the wilderness for 40 years thinking "Where are you God??? How can we have to face so much pain, layered on top of more pain?". The holidays were quiet this year. Concentrating on reflection and being in the moment with Spartacus. Finding joy in the little moments. That is really all I could bring myself to do.</div>
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Oh and I forgot, as if life wasn't crazy enough, we got another puppy. When I took our court appointed teen up to see a friend, I got to spend time with her friend's mom and the puppies that she breeds. She had a puppy that looked just like Boobah! I had to bring him home! And he is just like Boobah... I forgot how much of a chewer he was. Ugh! </div>
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So, that was the Cliff Note's version of the last year. In 2016 changes did come and turned our world around....But while my year has been flipped upside down, I have never been more sure that God is here among us making beauty out of the mess.</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/FR6NmIWJJ2U" width="560"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1012147632866938312.post-31230816876165066432015-12-28T22:19:00.000-05:002015-12-28T22:19:32.453-05:00When It Don't Come Easy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It's been another 2 months since I updated. Time keeps moving from a crawl to a run. There are times it seems like a complete blur. Sweetie was doing really well in the IAFT and it appeared she was ready to come home. Her treatment team talked to me about the potential of it being in February. </div>
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We had 3 good weekend visits over the span of 2 months, which I don't think has ever happened. She was doing great in her therapeutic home and school. Communication with us has been limited by her choice. We talked maybe once or twice a week. This is what she seems to need to stay in a good place. For Christmas we had a 5 day visit scheduled. This is the longest span of time she has been home in over a year. And sadly it was too much. No matter how I try to keep myself removed and in the "coach" and "case manager" roll, I still love her and I still want her to do well. I find myself wrapped back into the hope that she is healing and can love us. Then I get snapped back to our reality. The hard reality that loving her "don't come easy", it probably never will be easy and it will never look like what we ever expected. I still wrestle with that loss, especially at the holidays. Dreams of decorating together while drinking cocoa, wrapping gifts together and singing carols with my daughter are dreams I have to let go of. I have to accept these are things that are beyond what she can handle with me. The same with most anything a mother and daughter would do together. </div>
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I know this all in my head, but my heart really struggles with these things. And I Still try, oh how I try. I keep asking God to show me what she needs. I guess her behaviors are getting her what she needs. It takes the decision out of my hands. I am hit again with the reality that she may never come back home permanently. So, now we have gone backwards again 6 months in treatment and she is refusing to talk to me again. I have no idea what to do for her to truly get that she is loved. I don't know if there is anything. I am really having to give this to God, because I have truly exhausted every ounce of what I have. </div>
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Even though I am so very tired, I am still trying to relish in the Joy of Spartacus. He truly is God's gift of respite for my weary soul. His head has healed up well and we a just watching the bills roll in. That is what it is and we will figure it out. That is why hospitals do payment plans. So, I am not worrying about that. He is growing in leaps. He is super active, he loves to crawl and climb. I mean LOVES to climb!!! He scoots along furniture and has a tooth that has come through. He is babbling like crazy. It is a fun and exhausting time. Like most moms of toddlers I walk around in a fog and I normally have some dried fluid on my clothes. No matter how tired or emotionally spent I am, it just takes one of his smiles and everything is ok, even if for just that moment.</div>
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1012147632866938312.post-80351302686582541712015-10-26T00:59:00.003-04:002015-10-26T01:27:52.842-04:00In My Arms<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Today was a really rough day for Spartacus. On Thursday he fell out of his stroller while at a friend's house. He just had a couple minor scrapes. He had no signs of any other issues. He was fine Friday. Then yesterday he started to develop some swelling. I called the Dr and they said to hot compress it and keep an eye on it. This am when we woke up the swelling covered his entire forehead and went all the way up to where his curls start under his hair. It was the kind of swelling you can push on and leave an indent.</div>
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I immediately called back to the Dr. They had us come in to see him. As soon as the doctor walked in and looked at him for a few seconds she told me she was going to call over to the ER. She left and came back and sent us directly to a local children's emergency room, she was worried that there was a fracture in his skull. They were waiting for us when we got there and took us right back. They had to take him in for a CT Scan or his skull. They did not let us go with him for this because they have to strap him down and said it is very rough on the parents to see. Once results were read they found that there was not a fracture! However there was a bleeding between his skull and the next layer of tissue.</div>
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The bleeding will continue until enough pressure builds up in the space to stop the bleeding. </div>
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The ER pediatrician consulted with the neurosurgeon and came back to talk with us.</div>
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Because of the large amount of blood loss they needed to test his blood levels. That was another awful procedure for him. They said is his hemoglobin was down we would have to stay and he would need a blood transfusion, but if it levels were ok we could go home and follow up tomorrow with our doctor. The neurosurgeon did not feel that this was a neurological issue at all. So, we will follow up tomorrow. I am so grateful for the many prayers and text today. I am grateful for my friend Melissa who came to the hospital to be with us. Thanking God tonight for protecting my little man and for the sense of peace that I have had through out the day. </div>
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I took a couple months off from blogging. Part because it was just more of the same thing. I get tired about writing about being rejected all the time and I am sure people don't really want to read about it any more. I have been trying to concentrate on living in the moment with Spartacus and working on improving myself. I am getting to a point in my journey with Sweetie that I am finally accepting it is not my responsibility to fix her and there is a good chance that she will never love me as her mom. I am coming to believe that at best she may view me as a coach, She has to want to heal herself, no one can do it for her. There is a sadness and a freedom in accepting this. I am sad because I feel I have failed as her mom. I feel I have let her down, I wasn't enough. The freedom is that it is ok that I was not enough, I was never meant to be enough. As much as we want to wrap our children up in our arms and protect them from every hurt, we can't always. Sometimes, things just happen. Both physically and emotionally. </div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/_vUawsXi6C4" width="560"></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1012147632866938312.post-59392782007614706402015-08-15T00:06:00.001-04:002015-08-15T22:10:02.268-04:00Broken Places<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<strong>Kintsukuroi</strong> “to repair with gold”; the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken. <br />
For years I have admired pottery that has been repaired by this technique. Little did I know that this would be a way of life for my family. <br />
Reactive Attachment Disorder is destructive beyond anything you can imagine. In an attempt to protect itself from further hurt, the mind of a child from tough beginnings would rather break everything to pieces than to allow itself to be vulnerable again. Transitions create great amounts of vulnerability for someone living with R.A.D. <br />
I should have seen this coming, but sadly I didn't. Sweetie had been doing so well. The last couple of visits had been extremely successful. Enough to renew my hope that she can really heal from the trauma of her early childhood. We have just one week until she transitions to her IAFT home and she has continued to do well in her program and on the phone with us. And then we heard the words that no parent of a 15 year old wants to hear, "I'm late, like I think I am pregnant". All I could say was how? She has been in the PRTF or in our home only. And our house has alarms on all the doors as well as cameras. She said she snuck out and met some random guy on the street and they had sex. But it just didn't make sense. There had to be more to it.<br />
Like most RAD kids, Sweetie can cry on command and be so convincing. For a brief moment I actually thought it could have happened. But I still did not respond in haste. I Just responded that we love her and we would get through anything as a family. Meanwhile, I am screaming inside that I can't be a mom of a newborn at 40 and a grandparent at 41. <br />
We received this news on Wednesday evening during one of our 10 minute calls that we have only 3 times a week. We would not get a chance to talk again until today when we picked her up for a weekend pass. So again, like so many times before a bomb was dropped and we were left to try to pull the broken pieces back together. I immediately spoke to my mentor who immediately knew what this was. Sweetie was beginning to feel anxious about her transition and she was also angry because I went to NY with the baby and not her. Unfortunately, I did not get another chance to talk to Sweetie until I saw her this evening. As soon as she saw me she began to sob and apologize for lying. <br />
She went on for a long time asking how we could ever love her when all that she does is hurt us. She talked a lot about not feeling worthy of our love or the things we buy her. Tomorrow we have her scheduled to get her hair done and have plans to take her school shopping. She deep down does not feel she deserves good things. All I could do was grab her face and repeatedly tell her that she is loved, that she is worth it and that we already forgave her. I just poured loved into her. By the time she was all cried out she was melted into my arms. Just like she would after I would hold her through a rage back when she was smaller and I could physically do so. These moments after we get through all the fear and anger is when I can see the real girl inside. This is when our repairs happen. This is when I get to work fill those cracks with love. This is how our daughter becomes a beautiful work of art.<br />
When this all happened, she was expecting an immediate consequence. She thought we would cancel our weekend plans to take her school shopping. But instead, I just said I would pray about it.<br />
Before she told us the truth her consequence was going to be she had to call the boy she has been trying to date for 2 years and tell him that she snuck out, had sex and might be pregnant. But once she told us the truth and we could process with her I felt that she needed to have an opportunity to gain our trust again. We ultimately decided that one day a month for 6 months, Sweetie and I will volunteer with a nonprofit. I have to get it all worked out but I am leaning towards Habitat for Humanity or with Florencd Crittenton volunteering with unwed young mothers and at risk youth.<br />
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In the middle of all the emotions of the last few days, we received Spartacus' Adoption Decree. As of August 4th, 2015 we are now officially a family of 4. We also made trip up to New York to see my family. It was a great, but tiring trip. Everyone loved Spartacus. He handled the travelling fairly well. Better than I expected. He is such a good natured child. For this I am thankful. I am also grateful for all of the family and friends who have and continue to support us on our journey. We love you all. <br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/y5nHHo-rQKo" width="560"></iframe><br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1012147632866938312.post-53418399278416855002015-08-01T23:26:00.001-04:002015-08-02T15:37:56.612-04:00Love Me<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It has been a little over 3 years since Sweetie moved in with us. In that time we have been through more trauma than I could have ever imagined. Many times it seemed like we were not going to make it through to the other side of everything. But we have and boy it is pretty amazing. Sweetie's relationship with Spartacus really seems to be the key to her healing. I have watched her bloom over the last month or so. She just adores Her little brother. She is incredibly sweet with him. We were prepared to deal with intense jealousy with the potential for her to lash out at him. But it has been the complete opposite. She is happy around him. And I get to see more moments of pure joy when she is playing with him than I have seen in the last 3 years combined. It is miraculous the difference we see in her. Where there was once constant rage there is now peace. A kid who was kicking and punching is now hugging and helping around the house without being asked. Instead of being cussed at we are now having conversations. It has become a pleasure to have Sweetie around.<br />
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Sweetie has recently taken ownership of her Reactive Attachment Disorder diagnosis. She is learning about how it developed. She is also learning how to cope and how live with it. She has begun to wholeheartedly work on her trauma history. She recently wrote her biological father a letter and in it she told him how he hurt her and how she feels sorry for him, but right now she cannot forgive him. That she wants to, but he scares her. She also wrote about us in this letter telling him that we are the only people that ever showed her real love. That we have given her anything she could ever want and more than she needs. That we protect her no matter what. Another thing she did was write a rap song.<br />
One of the lyrics went something like" Oh no not another one, I want it to stay just me. But then I looked into his eyes and I could no longer disguise that I love him". Spartacus has been her reason for working through the hard stuff and for really trying to get better. She list him as her motivation when she is working on her goals. She wants him to be proud of her and also doesn't want him to do the behaviors that she had previously done. My heart is so happy to watch this bond grow between them.<br />
<br />
Sweetie will be stepping down to an IAFT in less than 3 weeks. If her behaviors continue to improve like they have been, we would like to have her back home for good by the holidays. We will see how it goes. I do not want to pressure her too much or push her too fast. Her progress has been remarkable and I do not want to risk everything because I am pushing. In the IAFT home she will be able to practice the skills she learned in the last year in the PRTF. I am currently praying that she keeps working and that the healing will continue. She has become so insightful. She is able to express her emotional needs better than most adults I know. She is able to tell me that even though she likes to hear that she is doing a good job and that we are proud of her. But that it also makes her feel scared because she doesn't want to disappoint us. When she told me this I was doing a happy dance in my head. I wanted to shout with joy " She really cares!!! We are finally getting through! We finally matter!!" Over the weekend she has apologized for many of the individual events that have happened over the last 3 years. She apologized for being a giant "B" for most of the time and she thanked me for sticking with her. For loving her through all of it. I am sure we will have more challenging times. She is still a teenager and even children who grew up in happy homes have moments where they make poor choices.<br />
<br />
I sit here tonight content. My house is peaceful and quiet. What has stuck with me the most is the fact that all she needed was for me to love her. Truly love her. Love her like God loves us. Unconditional and unwavering love. Even in the darkest of hours. I think we all want that and many of us don't receive that kind of love. We surely don't love ourselves like that. I can only imagine how all of our lives could look if we did understand that we are love like this. I mean really believed it in our heart of hearts. Can you imagine the transformation it would create? I know how inspiring it is to watch as it happens to my girl. I feel honored to be chosen to witness it and be part of this kind of love. I am grateful what loving someone like this has helped me grow to being more like Christ.<br />
<br />
I know so many who are in the trenches with their kids form hard places. It is a war zone most of the time. It is hard, it is dirty and it is exhausting. But sweet friends there is hope. We are getting through to our kids. Even when we feel we are defeated and want to throw in that towel. They see us there, fighting for them, sacrificing for them. Don't give up! The healing may not be today, tomorrow, next week or even next month. But it will come. Love always wins.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/KOyNOzCGZ1c" width="420"></iframe>
<br />
<div style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; padding-bottom: 10px;">
Why, why are You still here with me<br />
Didn't You see what I've done?<br />
In my shame I want to run and hide myself<br />
But it's here I see the truth<br />
I don't deserve You</div>
<div style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; padding-bottom: 10px;">
But I need You to love me, and I<br />
I won't keep my heart from You this time<br />
And I'll stop this pretending that I can<br />
Somehow deserve what I already have<br />
I need You to love me</div>
<div style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; padding-bottom: 10px;">
I, I have wasted so much time<br />
Pushing You away from me<br />
I just never saw how You could cherish me<br />
'Cause You're a God who has all things<br />
And still You want me</div>
<div style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; padding-bottom: 10px;">
And I need You to love me, and I<br />
I won't keep my heart from You this time<br />
And I'll stop this pretending that I can<br />
Somehow deserve what I already have<br />
yeah, yeah</div>
<div style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; padding-bottom: 10px;">
Your love makes me forget what I have been<br />
Your love makes me see who I really am<br />
And Your love makes me forget what I have been</div>
<div style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; padding-bottom: 10px;">
And I need You to love me, yeah<br />
I need You to love me, yeah<br />
And I'll stop this pretending that I can<br />
Somehow deserve what I already have (2x)</div>
<div style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #707070; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; padding-bottom: 10px;">
I need You to love me, yeah ..</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1012147632866938312.post-14494049877625202532015-06-20T22:50:00.002-04:002015-06-20T22:50:14.749-04:00It is Well<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<br />
Deep Breath... the last month has been full. We had Sweetie's home visit. Which sadly did not go well at all. It was so frustrating, that we put a lot of effort into creating a fun weekend for her and she spent the entire weekend trying to sabotage it. That is probably the saddest part of her disorder, she doesn't feel worthy of good things or good times. She doesn't allow herself to have fun or enjoy herself. I hate that for her. And while it is frustrating, it breaks my heart. However, ever since she has been doing much better both at her PRTF and in communication with us.<br />
We have been having really positive phone calls with Sweetie and she is really looking forward to coming home for the 4th of July. She has even been requesting more calls with us. It has been 3 weeks without being cussed at or having a phone slammed. Now calls end with I love yous.<br />
I also received an email last week that they may have found a step down placement for Sweetie. I am hoping to hear something soon. It has been 6 months of trying to find a spot for her. Then during her Monthly CFT Meeting we discovered there may be an opening in a home just 45 minutes from here.<br />
We are praying for that one. If this doesn't work we have what they call a Care Review Meeting set up this Friday. This meeting will have the insurance company and a representative of all the major providers to try to come up with a plan.<br />
<br />
Things at home with Spartacus are going great. He is sleeping through most of the night. Which is great. He is getting so interactive. He is a pure joy. He truly has a special spirit of Peace and Calm.<br />
We have so much fun with him already, as he learns to giggle and coo. The pups are just in love with him and he is just the cutest thing ever! I took him up to see his tummy mommy, her husband and Spartacus' brother. We went out to dinner together and it was a really nice visit. I am so grateful that we can have this open relationship. His brother was so excited to see him. I am looking forward to continuing to see them and continuing to work on growing our relationship. <br />
<br />
So, Wednesday was suppose to be the big day. This was the court hearing that determines whether the biological father has a right to consent. Since this is such a rare situation the judge did not make a decision and told my lawyer she would get back to her sometime this coming week. My lawyer feels the judge is just taking time to make sure everything is done correctly. Which is good. I will feel confident that there is no way the biological father can try to come back after the fact and try to over turn the adoption because we missed some small detail. <br />
<br />
I am still at peace with everything. We are surrounded by a phenomenal group of friends and family that have been supporting us in this journey. We are beyond grateful for this support. The Lord is doing some big work on my husband's heart through this and is healing old wounds. It is beautiful to watch him open himself to accept love and friendship from others. My husband is a grown up RAD kid and until me, never let anyone in. Now, I see him allowing others in and I am seeing how he is beginning to believe that God has this all covered. When we lost Leah 3 years ago, my husband was done with God. Then this Wednesday, when we didn't get the answer we were waiting for from the judge, he didn't get angry and seclude himself like he has done so many times before. But instead he came to me and asked to pray together. And instead of being demolished by yet another set back, we have found peace. I have always been high strung and as I have grown older that manifested into some pretty intense anxiety. I am happy to say the anxiety has been so much better than I would have expected. Maybe it is because I have finally handed it all over to God. There is simply too much for me to handle on my own. I have finally accepted that I have no control at all over the biggest aspects of my life. That was a pretty big pill to swallow from this grade A control freak. But there has been such freedom in that. It is allowing me to just be present in each moment, instead of worrying about what will or won't happen. I know my God is Bigger than mental illness that attacks my daughter. I know He is Bigger than the legal delays. Ultimately, I know he has a plan for my entire family. And It Is Well In My Soul.<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/YNqo4Un2uZI" width="560"></iframe><br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1012147632866938312.post-55954973039802046722015-05-08T23:19:00.002-04:002015-05-09T22:01:42.857-04:00Rise Again<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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When I last wrote we were only 7 days from being in the clear to adopt Spartacus. The 7 days came and went and we thought we were in the clear. For the first time in months I could breathe. And then we got notice that the biological father had contested the adoption. The worst thing is in his letter "contesting" the adoption he demands repeatedly a paternity test and than states if "it" is his, he wants to give "it" to his mother. It infuriates me that he refers to our son as "it". Now that he has contested, he has to go to court to prove he has the right to contest. This is the statute that he has to meet in order for his contesting to effect the adoption.<br />
<a href="http://www.ncga.state.nc.us/EnactedLegislation/Statutes/HTML/BySection/Chapter_48/GS_48-3-601.html">http://www.ncga.state.nc.us/EnactedLegislation/Statutes/HTML/BySection/Chapter_48/GS_48-3-601.html</a>. <br />
In summary, he has to acknowledge he is the father of the child and financially support the bio mom during and after the pregnancy, or he attempted to marry the mother. Since he sent the letter to the court demanding a paternity test, he is not acknowledging Spartacus as even being his biological child. In addition he never attempted to financially support her. As far as his mother getting Spartacus, that isn't even an option legally. The court hearing will be in a few weeks and he won't even be able to go, because he is in jail with bond set at $50500. I doubt he will make bond to be able to attend the hearing and an immediate decision will be made that his consent is not required. If he manages to make bond (which he hasn't been able to do since February when arrested) and goes to court he will have to be able to prove that he met the statute in order to have a right to officially contest. Since he hasn't met the criteria, his consent will not be required and we can move forward with the adoption. So, ultimately all his letter has done is cost us more money. But God will provide. I found a grant to apply for and the cut off date was May 15th. So we just made it. I am praying we get it and that should help cover a big chunk of the expense. I am hoping that this hearing doesn't push off our adoption too far. It would be great if they could just finalize it right after the hearing as Spartacus will be with us over the 90 days by the time this happens. <br />
<br />
Outside of all this legal crap we are dealing with lots of issues with Sweetie's treatment. Things have been rough. Behaviors are the same, just now she is adding statements constantly that she doesn't have to do what we say because we aren't her parents. Yes, I know all adopted kids say that and I know all kids say I wish you weren't my parents. The difference is Sweetie follows it up with actions. She refuses to follow anything we say. In our CFT meeting last week she was yelling at me because I always side with my husband. I agreed that yes I do and I always will, we are one. She looked at him and said I don't know why you kiss his ass all the time, he won't be here long". I asked her what she meant by that and she started yelling that I was accusing her of threatening to murder him. We are going month by month on authorization at the PRTF because they have been unsuccessful finding a placement that will accept her at a step down home anywhere in the state. They are trying to force us to bring her home. I am refusing to do this for the 3rd time. The attachment therapist that we have continued working with while Sweetie has been in treatment has recommended having Sweetie tested by a forensic psychologist. There are 2 top ranked ones right here in Charlotte. With their recommendations we can have the courts force the insurance to pay for longer care and possibly help us get her into a long term facility. Which I don't know of any, but I do know they exist. I have requested in writing to both the PRTF and Sweetie's Insurance that she be tested before we will even consider her coming home. After this I will contact the Council for Children's Rights to represent us. <br />
<br />
Sweetie is coming home this weekend and for the first time we are letting her have a friend come stay for the weekend. One of my good friend's daughter is Sweetie's only friend. She has been writing to her at the PRTF and she get's what Sweetie has been through. I am glad she has her. Maybe that will be a friendship that will make a difference in her life long term. I am glad to have the distraction of a friend here for the weekend, as mother's day is normally a trigger holiday for her. I am praying that all goes smoothly and there are no major issues. <br />
<br />
So, lots going on here. Amazing I have not been spazing out. We keep getting knocked down, but we are survivors and we continue to rise again. With all that is going on we are still completely blessed and happier than we have ever been.Spartacus brings so much joy to each day. He will be 2 months old tomorrow. He is such a happy baby. It is so easy to be present in each moment with him. He truly is a miracle. And I know without a doubt that everything will work out and he will be legally our son.<br />
<br />
<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/0VVyo2mfpd0" width="560"></iframe><br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1012147632866938312.post-9507489308724953992015-04-08T23:19:00.001-04:002015-04-08T23:19:30.531-04:00If You Fall<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
The last few weeks have been amazing with baby Spartacus. He has the sweetest soul. And such an easy baby. He rarely cries. Only when he is hungry or naked. He is changing so much every day. Becoming more alert and interactive with us. He is just amazing. We only have 7 more days for his biological father to contest. It has already been 3 weeks and he has not responded to being served, so he most likely won't! That is our last hurdle. The rest is just waiting the remainder 60 of 90 days before our adoption can be filed for finalization. We should finalize in June sometime. It still blows my mind that just 7 months ago, we decided to adopt again. And now we hold this perfect little life in our hands. When I hold him, I feel as if he was always mine. I want to protect him from everything. I know I won't be able to. He will fall...many times. But I will be there for him, to pick him up, brush him off and set him on his way again. I have kept touch with his birth mom. We are trying to plan a get together for her family to meet lil Spartacus. Things have been going well for her, her husband and 5 year old. I am so happy about this. God has really made something beautiful by bringing Spartacus and them into our lives. <br />
I continue to hope for our Sweetie's healing. There are many days that it seems hopeless and I want to run as far as I can away. But, something keeps me here. She is my daughter I can not abandon her, like everyone else has. I wish more than anything that she could truly know that I am here with her. She continues to push us away more and more. And now we are back here AGAIN, for the 3rd time... It's time for discharge for Sweetie from PRTF. And again they are unable to find a placement for her to step down into. Everyone on her treatment team knows if they can't find a placement and she comes home prematurely again, she will be set up for failure and will quickly end up needing to be hospitalized. There is a huge gap in treatment, between the higher level of treatment and lower. They really need a long term place for kids like Sweetie, who can't live in a home with family, but have family that is there for them, loving them, not giving upon them. Not a place where kids would be abandoned, but a place for kids with Severe RAD to live, while they work on feeling safe with their families. Who knows, maybe someday I will be able to do something like this. For now, I continue to pour love into our girl. No matter how much my heart is beaten I am still here. It is really all I can do. <br />
<br />
So, our life is full of complete joy and such pain all at the same time. I don't know what God has planned for our little family. I only know our journey is that of redemption and unconditional love. <br />
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<br />
"If you fall, I fall with you<br />
If you hurt I feel it too<br /> Even if my heart turns black and blue<br /> I will love you"<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/ztBPBsbkvFQ" width="560"></iframe><br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1012147632866938312.post-6069089046127965512015-03-15T01:07:00.000-04:002015-03-15T01:26:10.666-04:00Multiplied... Our Birth Story<br />
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<br />
I sit here tonight typing this with 5 pounds of the most adorableness I have ever seen strapped to my chest. I still can't fully believe that he is really here, that he is mine. I honestly could not have asked for his birth to be more perfect. For weeks, I kept talking to our birth mom about her birth plan. Throughout each conversation she was adament that she did not want to see the baby. This made my heart sad. But, I understood and I wanted to protect her from hurt. I have truly grown to love our birth mom and I really worried about her well being during the birth and after.<br />
<br />
So 6 months after we decided to adopt again we walked into the hospital at 5:45 in the morning with our birth mom and her husband for our scheduled c-section. We had our birth plan, but I have heard so many times to expect that to be thrown out the window. But it wasn't. Immediately, bio mom signed forms listing us as power of attorney for the baby. We checked her in and the team of nurses quickly got her ready for the procedure. While they did this, I spoke with the anesthesiologist about giving her Versed after the baby was removed to help her and for her to not remember that part of the procedure. He agreed. They gave me a gown, shoe covers and hair cover. While I put them on they whisked her away to start her epidural. There was a window to the or so I could see them do this. They laid her back and started to wipe her abdomen down and then I could here her asking for me. I was already at the door by the time the nurse could get there. I went to our birth mom's head. She was so scared about the procedure, tears were running down her face. The nurse gave me a stool so I could be face to face with her. she grabbed my left hand and with my right I rubbed her head and softly repeated over and over again "it's ok, you are not alone and you are so loved". I was so worried about her that I was not paying attention to what was happening on the other side of the blue drape. She suddenly looked up at me and said "Stand up, you need to watch!" It didn't click so she said it again. I stood up just in time to watch them put the suction cup device on his head and slide him out. He started crying immediately and the nurses took him to the heating unit to clean him up. I looked at the anesthesiologist and said can you give her the meds now! He started pushing the Versed. I stayed with her until I could tell the medication kicked in, which was the same time that it was to take the baby to the nursery. I was met there by my husband and our best friends were outside the nursery window. There were no other babies in the nursery, so it felt as if we were the only people in the whole hospital. The nurses were wonderful. We were there for him to get weighed and measured, he was 5 pounds, 15 ounces and only 18 inches long. He was so tiny. He got his Vit K shot, some ointment in his eyes and Hepatitis vaccine. Once his body temperature was good, I was able to take him into a room for some skin to skin contact and then to feed him. After that I got to give him a bath and then get him dressed. After that we went to our room. <br />
I checked in on our birth mom several times. Her husband and a few family members came down to see the baby and I let each of them hold him and took pictures. Everyone was so happy that he was able to be our son. We fell into a routine quickly in the hospital... he ate, slept, pooped. The first 24 hours his blood sugar had to be checked every 3 hours because of his low birth weight, but everything came back great. All of his test came back great and his drug test came back negative. This was the happiest I think I have been in my life, yet there was still a piece of my heart that was sad for our birth mom. I just knew in my heart that she had to see Spartacus. But I did not push, I respected her doing what she needed to do to protect her heart. The next afternoon, she was discharged. She called me to ask if she could see me to say good bye. When she knocked on the door, I went to the door without the baby and I asked her one last time Are you sure you don't want to see him?" and she admitted she wanted to. I invited her in and we spent the sweetest 20 minutes or so with her holding the baby. She looked so happy and talked about the features that were similar to his brother. I was so happy that she came to see him. I was able to capture that moment in a photo, that I will frame and put in his room. At the end of that time she handed him to me and told me how happy she was that she could do this for us. We hugged and she left. <br />
<br />
Earlier that day she had signed the relinquishment papers. From that time she has 7 days to change her mind. But I know she will not. We still text each other daily . She still thanks us for being his parents and tells me how glad she is that he is in such a great home. So, in 2 more days the 7 days will be up. <br />
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As all of this winds down we have been trying to locate the birth father. His family has not been cooperating, so we were thinking we would have to do a publication in the newspaper for 3 months trying to get him to respond. We didn't have to because he got himself into some pretty big legal troubles and made it into the news himself. So we are now able to have him served on Monday with papers to relinquish his parental rights. There are 3 scenarios with this. 1. He just signs and all is great. 2. He just ignores the papers. In that case after 30 days his rights are terminated for abandonment. 3. He contest. This is highly unlikely because he won't be able to afford a lawyer to fight this in court with his current legal issues. even if he did try, he would lose because he has not financially supported our birth mom while pregnant. No matter the scenario, he can't get Spartacus. it will just make a difference on when we can finalize our adoption and how much more it will cost.. I am not worried, I know God's plan is being worked out and I am trusting in that.<br />
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Now we settle into our new rhythm of life. Sweetie has been excited to do Skype sessions where she can see her little brother and ends each call now with "tell my brother I love him". <br />
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My heart is overflowing with love and with hope. <br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/fGF-MGGLpB0" width="560"></iframe><br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1012147632866938312.post-81891191608451909402015-03-04T00:04:00.000-05:002015-03-04T00:12:20.157-05:00I Lived<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This past week I turned 40.... I remember a time when that seemed old. Every big milestone birthday you can't help but sit back and reflect on your life. Lord knows my life has been a roller coaster but I can definitely say that I have no regrets. Every step, every "mistake" and every loss led me right here to this point in my life. And honestly I can not imagine not being here. I can not imagine a life where Sweetie was not my daughter and I was not about to be the parent to a new baby boy.<br />
I am really happy that last weekend we were able to move our expectant mom, husband and 5 year old son into their permanent home and they were able to get a car. This is a life changer. Having a car means the ability to get a job. I am really hoping this is the beginning of a better life for them. <br />
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It's about time we come up with a nickname for him. My husband loves gladiator movies and shows, so for this blog I will refer to our son as Spartacus. This is a joke in our house and I will get a good chuckle every time I write it, but it works. So we are just 5 more days away from Spartacus joining our family. I will be running around like a crazy woman the next few days. Doing all the laundry and making a months worth of freezer meals. Thursday is our final doctors appointment before delivery day and Friday there is Pre-op testing. So lots of driving around. I spoke to the hospital today to check if I could bring pumped breast milk. They were very accommodating. They are hoping to have a separate room for us. If they can't because of being full, they do have a separate room with a couch and TV off the nursery we can use. I am really excited be able to be in the room when Spartacus is born! I wish I knew the best way to support our expectant mom. I know how incredibly difficult this day and time will be. I know that there will be many times through out her life that she is struck with grief from the effects of this day. In all of the excitement for adoptive parents, most often forget the other parties involved. Adoption has beautiful aspects, but it is also painful. I have been wrestling with this a lot lately. I have grown to love our expectant mother. She is a sweet soul who has had to deal with a lot of loss herself already. I wish there was something I could do to lessen the pain I know she will feel. I wish she did not have to suffer for us to have a dream fulfilled. <br />
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Sweetie is ready to be transitioned down from PRTF to the Intensive Alternative Family Treatment. They have been having difficulty locating one. This has been our problem in the past as well. Sweetie's disorder allows her to thrive in an institutional environment, but she falls apart in the home setting. We continue looking and I am hoping something comes through. The insurance company has agreed to continue her approval for PRTF until we can find something. But realistically they can only keep her so long. I am trying to stay hopeful that everything will work out how it should. <br />
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A couple of weeks ago I had a beautiful baby shower. I am blessed with so many amazing friends who support us with both of our children. We had a lot of fun, the food was delicious and there were so many little details that made the day very special! <br />
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So, here I am...40 a mom of a teenager and soon to be mom of a newborn. I can honestly say that I have truly lived my life. I have lived it being lead by my heart and it has lead me to a pretty awesome place. And I feel that I have been incredibly blessed!<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/77Dc8_lt4JY" width="560"></iframe><br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1012147632866938312.post-1612298585743791502015-01-29T21:46:00.000-05:002015-01-30T21:27:31.395-05:00Love Never Fails<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Love is patient, love is kind. A popular reading at weddings. I even used it at my own wedding. The words are sweet and are a wonderful guide for any marriage. But these words are even more important when parenting a child from tough places. Some aspects are easier than others for me to live out with my relationship with Sweetie. But what I am really struggling with is keeping record of wrongs. The trauma that has occurred to us as a family over the last 3 years has really built up and created a stress response in me. The minute Sweetie begins to raise her voice or get oppositional, I go into defense mode. As much as I know in my mind that this does not help anything to react, but it is a subconscious reaction. I pray that I can overcome this response, so that I can be the parent that Sweetie needs. And even though her healing has many seasons of growth and setbacks, I believe that Love Never Fails and that some day she will find healing. It may not be immediate but I do believe that it will be. <br />
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I am looking forward to the new phase of our life. Bringing a baby into our home will bring so much hope and love. I know there will be challenges. But we are up to the challenges. Things are going as good as possibly can with the adoption. The Indian Tribe has given official word that they will not be contesting the adoption. Our baby's birth mom married her high school sweetheart and he has already signed consent for the adoption. At this point the only unknown is the birth father. He is still MIA and that is fine. Most likely he won't show and an ad will have to be run in the news paper to try to locate him. But even if he does show and contest the adoption, he won't be able to get custody because he has not been there during the pregnancy to support the birth mother. We have proof that he is aware of the pregnancy, so our bases are covered there. I have been seeing the birth mom at least once a week. It has been really nice to get to know her and her son. <br />
This past week, she also did preliminary paperwork for the adoption and worked on her birth plan. <br />
She listed the baby's name to be exactly as we are going to name him, including our last name.<br />
Her birth plan includes me being in the OR with her during her C-section and then the baby will be handed to me. The baby will be in a room with Cris and I, while she will be in another room down the hall. At this time she does not want to see the baby at all for a couple months. After that we plan to have communication. I know this will be hard on her, but I believe she has comfort with us as parents.<br />
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I am still blown away that our dream of having a baby is becoming a reality. After we had given up all hope of being able to adopt again, God has given us this amazing gift. This has been an amazing whirlwind of events that have brought us to this place and has provided the means for this adoption to happen. We are so grateful for all who have supported us and showered us with love and support. Showing us that Love Never Fails.<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/AJ4Hdu3snmU" width="560"></iframe><br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1012147632866938312.post-29092233357817987452015-01-01T22:26:00.001-05:002015-01-01T22:37:57.075-05:00Getting There<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This time last year we had reached the lowest point in our family. We were completely broken. Sweetie was refusing to see us. As I blogged about earlier this year I had picked a word for the year, and that word was Wholeness. Wholeness for our girl, that she could heal enough to accept our love and accept being part of our family. Little did I know what wholeness would look like for our family. Sweetie's journey to wholeness is still in progress. She has had such amazing growth this year. It has been full of ups and downs. And we still do not know if she will ever be able to come home permanently. But we love her and will continue to get her what ever help we can to continue to put the pieces of her heart back together. The last week has been a whirlwind. Sweetie came home for a few days for Christmas. Christmas day was tough but the rest of her visit was pretty good. Better than I thought it would go. She is doing well in her program and is on track for stepping down to a specialized therapeutic home. This home will simulate our family dynamic. It will be interesting to see how she does there.</div>
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This week we helped set our expecting mother (EM) and her 5 year old son up with a place of their own, allowing them a fresh start. It has been awesome getting to know her. She is super sweet. I am really hoping that she will keep communication with us after the baby is born. Cris and I are getting rather attached to her and her son. The generosity that we have experienced by so many has been amazing. We received enough items to furnish a small home for her. It blows me away how God continues to bless our journey. Just 3 1/2 months ago we thought it would be impossible to expand our family and now in 10 weeks we will be adding a baby. And yesterday, New Years Ever I was able to go with EM to her ultrasound yesterday and I was able to see that baby that will be our in just a few weeks. </div>
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and then I got to see that it is a .... </div>
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Our family will become whole. It is amazing how God has taken my word "Wholeness" further than anything I could have dreamed of! We are not completely whole yet, but we are getting there! And we could not have gotten to where we are without all of the love and support of so many. </div>
We have been incredibly blessed with amazing friendship this year. <br />
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For 2015 my word will be Joy. I can not wait to see what this year has in store for us! </div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1012147632866938312.post-84913489998818092072014-12-07T21:19:00.000-05:002014-12-08T22:27:12.189-05:00Hope in Front of Me ( Meeting Baby's Bio Mom)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I should be ecstatic, I met our baby's birth mom! I will call her Ms. J. She is such a sweet soul and I instantly wanted to take her in and protect her. She like myself has experienced great losses in her life. She like me, is not bitter about them. We were both so nervous to meet each other. I know I was a wreck for days. She is very petite with a cute southern drawl. We met her, her 5 year old son, her mama and her mama's boyfriend. They were all very nice to us and welcomed us into their home. I can't really put into words exactly how I am feeling. Yes, I am so excited to have our dream of having a baby become a reality! That part of me makes my heart want to leap out of my chest. But I now have a profound sadness in my heart. I was able to spend several hours with Ms. J and her son. She is such a good mama and it is so obvious how much love she has for him. She is just not in a place in life where she can take care of him and a baby. That is what weighs so heavily on my heart. This is just a young, sweet girl who is doing what is best for both of her children. It really is such a selfless act. One that I can not imagine facing. That takes such amazing strength. A different strength than I possess. I have such love for this young lady already. Not only for choosing us to be the parents of her baby, but because she is worthy of being loved. She was so sweet when I tried to buy her some maternity clothing. She did not want to insult me and not pick something, but she also did not want to take advantage of me either. Most people would have tried to take advantage. But she truly did not. <br />
She goes in for her next check up this Wednesday and hopefully they will do an ultrasound! SO I am hoping in 2 days to know if it is a girl or boy. <br />
I have so much hope for this adoption. I hope for how this baby will make our family whole and I have hope that this will be the first chapter in Ms. J's life that will begin to flourish and thrive. Please continue to pray for us. We are about $2500 off on our fundraising still, but we are getting there. Pray for the health of the baby and for the process to continue to go smoothly. Mostly pray for Ms. J and her sweet son during this time. Let them feel that they are loved.<br />
We meet with our social worker this week and next week and then she can submit our home study. This is so much more organized than our last adoption and I am so grateful for that!. I have so much hope for her and for us. <br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/O5GFiDdGGGM" width="560"></iframe><br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1012147632866938312.post-19416220168180147842014-11-19T22:35:00.003-05:002014-11-19T22:40:15.836-05:00No Fear In Love<div style="text-align: center;">
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What an incredible time of uncertainty that we are facing right now. Life as I now know it is on the verge of being flipped upside down again. Where there were many speed bumps on our journey to bringing Sweetie home, there are few on this journey. Our only bump was finding out that the mom is part Cherokee. At first I thought we were done. Due to Indian Children Welfare Act, the tribe gets to determine where the baby goes. Before a child could be adopted by a non Indian family they would have to attempt to find a Cherokee family to adopt the child, if a Cherokee family wasn't availible than any Native American Indian family. finally if a family could not be located than the child could be adopted. Luckily the family checked with the tribe and they do not want to claim this child. So we only need our lawyer to send a letter to the tribe getting that statement in writing and that part will be over.<br />
Fundraising is going well. We have raised over $3000 so far. We had written a letter to the babies birth mom and are waiting to hear back. She is nervous about what to write back. I can't blame her for that. I too am nervous of our communications. What If I don't ask the right questions, what if I am too pushy? What if??? There are a million what ifs! My natural tendency is to be sucked into the spiral of what ifs. But this time I am not going there. In every part of my being I know that this child is to be in our family. I do not know the reasons why or why now. I just know it to be and I am ok with that. There is so much to do. Our biggest challenge us fundraising. Several of my uber talented friends have been donating their time and resources to provide various homemade items to be sold at a holiday Sip n Shop. I have also received amazing items and services to be auctioned off this Thanksgiving weekend! I have been blown away by the generosity of so many! I can not wait to showcase all of these beautiful items made with such love in order to bring our baby home!<br />
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I started the blog entry a couple nights ago and didn't finish. Then tonight I received our first call from the babies birth mother. I was so nervous and I think she was too. She was very sweet. We are hoping to meet her in a couple of weeks. I was able to find out that the due date of the baby is March 14th. She is not sure of the sex yet, but will at the next doctors visit. She thinks it is a girl.<br />
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Things with Sweetie have really taken a good turn over the last month. We have been completely honest with her about the adoption. She wasn't too excited at first. She worried that we would not love her any more and she was more worried that we would be able to afford to buy her as much clothing as before. Now she talks about being a good big sister and how she is good as long as we don;t expect her to baby sit! Ever since we told her about the adoption there has been a major change in her. She is working on healing and I mean really working! She is working on her trauma history with a therapist for the first time ever! I have the therapist all of Sweetie's records to begin working through with her.They began going through the many DSS abuse reports. I know this is painful for her to read, but it really seems to be connecting the dots for her. She has also been making great strides in her relationship building with not only me, but with Cris. We have had weeks of good communication, good therapy visits and good visits. Even when we discuss hard topics she is able to maintain her composure and talk. I am so proud of our girl! We are really looking forward to bringing Sweetie home for a 5 day visit next week.<br />
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As the year is starting to draw near to the end I have been reflecting on my word for the year Whole.<br />
My prayer in January was for me to work on my wholeness and for Sweetie to begin to her journey to wholeness. I had no idea what God had planned for our shattered family. But now I see how he mending our girls heart and making our family whole in a way that is so much greater than anything we could have imagined.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/WjT61SrGYGI" width="560"></iframe><span id="goog_1987457778"></span><br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1012147632866938312.post-23806222861712708712014-10-09T21:39:00.000-04:002018-02-09T17:48:04.312-05:00Growing Our Family<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Dear Family & <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Friends, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 11pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>We
are so grateful for all of you who have been there for us on our journey with
our girl. God has truly blessed us with an amazing support system. It has been
on our hearts for some time to adopt again. We finally decided that we were
going to trust God and move forward with adopting. Last time it took a year to
get our home study approved and another year to bring Sweetie home. So we
figured we could get money together in that time. I posted on Face Book “ Really feeling my heart being pulled hard into adopting
again. Praying for God to show us the path to do this”. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Within minutes I was contacted by a friend
that she knew someone that was looking for a family. To make a long story short,
the mom said YES choosing us adopt her baby!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The baby is due this spring, which puts us in a huge time crunch for
getting money together. But we have faith that if God wants us to have this
child, he will provide the means to bring him/her home. We need to raise about
$10,000-$15,000 to cover homestudy, legal fees and post adoption placement visits. This is a minimal amount. Our most immediate need is raise $2000 by November 1st and then an additional $5500 by Dec 1st. The remainder will be needed closer to the due date. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>We are asking that everyone
joins us in prayer for the Ms. J(birth mom), the baby and for God to provide us
with the Financing we need. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are also
asking that you consider financially supporting us bring this child home.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> I have been praying on how to best raise this money. We are going to do 3 things. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">1. Many of my massively talented artist friends are donating fantastic items that we will be doing an online during November. (just in time for Christmas! ) </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">2. On November 23rd I will be selling scarves, homemade heating pads and art by a few of my friends and myself at a Sip and Shop in my neighborhood. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">3. 200 Envelopes of Faith</span></span></div>
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<a href="http://www.gofundme.com/makingourfamily" target="_blank"><span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img alt="http://www.gofundme.com/makingourfamily" border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheworxUwJBDQKpUOkIpGj4FMJ5aLfYFjCp97XU_R-aRTUNSc54YP1qlDfq6b8M4o8HkvXGQT1rJqrmrcvEtqFBPxvMr1kxxUvZ_LgZsasX4-4mNdw7pWZlOi51cVyhbRr63KVjpiD7LAk2/s1600/Fundraiser+Pic.jpg" width="404" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">What to do:</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">1) Pick an envelope (or two if the amount you want is no longer available) and post in the comments here or on the comments of this post in FaceBook, which ever one you chose. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I will update the envelopes that have been selected.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 11pt;">2) Donate. Click on the<a href="http://www.gofundme.com/makingourfamily" target="_blank"> Go Fund Me link</a>. You can also donate directly to us by check. Just private message me for our address.</span></div>
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3) Share your donation on your FB page or email a link to this page to your friends. Lots of people feel spiritually and personally moved to help others adopt, but they themselves are not in a position to adopt. Let’s spread the word!</div>
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4) Want to get a group together to fund an envelope? That is a great way to knock out the bigger numbers.</div>
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No matter what, please keep us in your prayers.</div>
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Also, if you are going through infertility or adoption, we want you to skip helping us in this way because those are big expenses. We know! Just pray and share. We want to support you too!</div>
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<strong><em>Thank you for the love and care and support. We couldn’t do it without you!</em></strong></div>
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<strong><em>With Love and Faith, </em></strong></div>
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<strong><em>Jenny & Cris</em></strong></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1012147632866938312.post-15287596612603811462014-10-04T23:01:00.001-04:002018-02-09T17:47:10.716-05:00Steady Heart, Steady Faith<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It has been a while since I have updated the blog. Part because we have been busy and part because I feel like it I would be writing more of the same things as I have for the last few years. <br />
Sweetie is settling into her residential program. I love the program. They really understand her diagnosis and they approach things much differently than she is accustom to. This is good because she can't manipulate when she doesn't know what to expect. Equine therapy has been very helpful. They let the horses pick the student they will work with. The funny thing is the horse that picked Sweetie is the most difficult, stubborn horse they have... I had to laugh at that! Sweetie has been getting a good taste of her own medicine. We went up to Asheville again this past Wednesday. It makes me sad, she continues to pull away from us. She still tries to control everything. But, I can see improvements in her behavior. In the past most therapy sessions involved hours of tantrums. Now she can get through a session and instead of destroying property or slamming doors, she cries. She is now able to get herself regulated in a few minutes and then she can move on. So there is progress! Sessions are still tough because she has such a hard time talking about anything that she thinks may reflect on her in a negative way. It is emotionally hard because it is so obvious how uncomfortable she is in her own skin. Her self confidence is so low she still feels like we don't want her and don't love her. In her core she feels unworthy of love. This breaks my heart for her. She has found an activity that she actually enjoys out there. Building model train modules! She is really good at it too. I hope it will help to build her self esteem up. She is beginning to understand her own disorder and starting to learn how to live with it. I will always worry about her, She is my child. I can only pray for God to continue to heal her heart and hope for her path in life to be easier than the beginning.<br />
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Over the last few months the longing to have more children has been increasing. I had given up hope that we would be able to add to our family. We can't adopt from foster care again until Sweetie is out of the home and we just knew there was no way we could ever afford to adopt domestically or internationally. The loss of Leah going back to her bio mom 3 years ago still very present on my heart. A couple of weeks ago I was at an adoptive mom's retreat and I listened to story after story of these women and how God provided the money for their adoptions through fundraising. I know many times I have given towards various adoptions, but I had never thought about doing it for myself. My pride stood in the way. The following weekend Cris and I had a lot of discussion on moving forward with trying to adopt. We agreed we would take a leap of faith and trust God will provide us with a child and provide us with a way to adopt the child. Sunday of last week I posted on FaceBook that we felt we were being called to adopt again. Within 30 seconds I had a private message of a young woman who was in need of a family for her unborn child. We are in the process of getting information to her to see if she would pick us to be this family. If chosen we have about 6 months to raise the money needed to adopt. We have received so much support from friends. My first fundraiser is going to be an online auction. Several of my very gifted friends are donating awesome items. I will have paintings, scarves, a handmade quilt, hand knit cable knit blanket, metal artwork, a 90 minute massage, Oakley Sunglasses, a designer watch. And we are in the beginning stages of collecting. I am going to start the auction in November, so that people can get these items as gifts for Christmas. I have another friend from church who is hosting a Noonday Collections trunk show November 15th to benefit our adoption. We are praying that this baby with be our child. We have longed for a baby for years. I have faith that if this is not our child that God will bring a child to us that is meant to be in our home. I do not know God's plan is or his timing. But, I know with all my being that we are meant to have more children. Please keep us in your prayers and if you are lead to, we ask that you help support us in our journey to adding to our family. <br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/hfh_x5rFuWc" width="560"></iframe><br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1012147632866938312.post-29038040242870691102014-08-17T20:28:00.002-04:002015-08-20T04:54:14.454-04:00It's Always Darkest Before the Dawn<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The last 2 times Sweetie was discharged from PRTF's I knew in all my being that a group home was NOT right for her. And we found out I was 100% right. They are not equipped to deal with a child who is gifted with the defense mechanism of manipulation. Immediately they were wrapped up with her sweet smile and childish voice. They voiced many times over the month that they didn't understand why she was there and she didn't need to be in a PRTF. The issue must be me. <br />
In that month she managed to talk staff into buying her 6 inch heels, several inappropriate and a bikini. First, my daughter is 14 and should not be wearing any of those things. Second, my daughter already has everything she needs and most of what she wants ( except for the above items). <br />
In the time was she was there she became more disrespectful and convinced herself that she wanted to live in a group home and did not want a family. She became very vocal about this. She could not understand that it is not an option. Sweetie is still of the mentality that we are just a place where she is passing by. <br />
I am glad she only had to stay there a month. Last Sunday we drove her to he new PRTF in Asheville.<br />
I absolutely loved the facility. It is beautiful and peaceful. As we were driving past the horse barn to her cottage Sweetie said I think I will like living here. We spent about 3 hours with the admission team. I left feeling this was the place where she really could begin to truly heal. I loved her Case Worker. She understands Reactive Attachment Disorder. At one point in the process she looks at Sweetie and said " I am really sorry honey, but you have one really difficult diagnosis, you are going to have to work really hard if you want to get better". Their whole program is different than anything we have worked with before. Instead of the cookie cut out levels system, they have 5 Elements (Water, Fire, Earth, Wind & Spirit),that they work on and the students pick which element to work on. With the exception of Spirit; that has to be last. To my surprise Sweetie picked Fire; which represents anger control and is the most difficult element for her to work on. Sweetie is honeymooning there right now. Which is mostly because everything is unlike anything she has ever dealt with. She has called us every chance she could this week and each time she actually talked to me. She was excited to tell me about the model train building class and her horse Red. <br />
She already likes her therapist and I have agreed to give her therapist Sweeties records, which includes all of the DSS reports that detail a lot of the trauma Sweetie endured. She has blocked so much out of her mind in order to survive. Sweetie has been wanting to see them. I am hoping that she can finally process some of this and finally begin to move forward with her life. <br />
I am feeling at peace about this placement. I am looking forward to seeing how Sweetie begins to grow. <br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/WbN0nX61rIs" width="560"></iframe><br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1012147632866938312.post-13906699518210009032014-07-22T22:35:00.001-04:002014-07-22T22:35:35.437-04:00Try Try Try...Try again<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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As most things that involve Sweetie, we have hit lots of hurdles getting her into PRTF in Asheville, NC. The good thing is I have become an expert hurdle jumper. She was hospitalized 15 days this time. The mental health system is severely flawed. There is a complete shortage of facilities for teenage girls. Even though we started the process of getting Sweetie placed into the PRTF before she was hospitalized, they will not have a spot available in the cottage that is appropriate for her until August 5th. This past Wednesday the hospital called me and said they were discharging Sweetie. They agreed with me that she shouldn't come home because she would not be safe here, but she couldn't stay there. I refused to bring her home and they threatened to contact DSS. I called their bluff and I was able to get Sweetie's stay extended while we looked for an interim placement. This resulted with me ending up in a court hearing Friday am. We had found a group home, but the insurance company could take up to authorize the placement. Unfortunately, the judge was unable to legally find any reason to keep her but what he did do is call the insurance and told them they had to process the approval by the end of the day. Even though he could not court order and approval the call worked and we finally got the approval at 4:50pm on Friday afternoon. Nothing like cutting it close, they closed at 5:00 for the weekend. So at 9:00 pm we were dropping her off at the group home. <br />
I had never seen a group home before. I am not sure what I was thinking, But I was shocked when I pulled up to this beaten little ranch house about an hour away from my house. We brought her inside and we were quickly directed to her room. She gets a room all to herself. I had a good chuckle because the room had large patched parts to the walls. They were not even painted. I just said "Hey baby, look, whoever was in this room had the same issues as you". I was told that she would not be able to contact us for 30 days. But then I received 2 calls within 3 days asking for me to buy her things and also asking if she could sell her stuff. I am so glad she will only be there 2 weeks. They love her there and view her as a stable sweet girl. They do not know the first thing about RAD. They do not know that she is a master manipulator and thrives on situations where she can triangulate. <br />
Sweetie's therapist has been Amazing! She has worked so hard to make everything happen. Many nights working from home during her personal time. She took time off to come to court to speak on our behalf. She is one of the very few people in the mental health field that truly cares! There need to be more people like her. So as of right now. Authorization goes in for the PRTF tomorrow am. We could not send it earlier because it has to be done within 14 days of the admission. If the authorization went through quickly, it would expire before she was admitted. But now we are back to the same potential 14 days to approve. It is such a crazy system. <br />
In the middle of all of this chaos, I received communication from a root canal specialist I interviewed with last year and he offered me a job. The hours are significantly less, which is awesome. I accepted.<br />
There have been so many changes going on lately. It is time to start a new journey. I am hoping that this will be a fresh start for me and also for Sweetie.<br />
We are still working towards getting Sweetie into the special program in Missouri.<br />
I continue to try get her the help she needs. <br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/wYwF-IXpbNk" width="560"></iframe><br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1012147632866938312.post-60657937073230147812014-07-09T22:39:00.001-04:002014-07-09T22:47:13.424-04:00Hope Will Lead Us On<br />
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Sweetie has only been home 4 weeks and she had to be admitted back to the psychiatric behavioral health center on Thursday evening. She sat in the ER observation until late last night when they finally admitted her to the unit. They can keep her there 7-10 days while we try to get her into a new PRTF (psychiatric residential treatment center). The problem is her insurance can take up to 14 days to approve her. I am getting an attorney involved in order to help push things along. <br />
I should back up a bit... last I wrote it was before her tonsil surgery. She had the surgery and did well for the procedure. As expected it was the recovery period that would be the problem. Sweetie became more violent both verbally and physically after the procedure. She tried to set Cris up for another false accusation by moving the camera in his man cave and then grabbing his hands and putting them on her chest. He immediately pushed her away and she slapped him and punched him in the stomach. <br />
Luckily the camera still caught everything. She had several temper tantrums that involved screaming and throwing things that week. Even after being told by the doctor no yelling and after I reminded her constantly not to scream or she could dislodge the clot in her throat from the surgery. <br />
Thursday evening she started another of her rages because I asked her to go to bed. This escalated to her throwing a glass of water in my face, kicking at me and raising her fist to punch me. She then punched a window instead. She couldn't get under control so we had to call the police in yet again. <br />
Once we called them she went in the bathroom and started to do her hair and put on makeup. <br />
Our kiddo is so messed up, that looking good to go to the mental hospital is her priority. <br />
Once the police arrived we were able to get her into our car to transport her. <br />
She loved her time in the ER, she was the happiest I have seen her in months. Where most kids would be scared and crying, she is happy and excited. Her brain is hardwired so differently than the average child. <br />
There have been lots of changes with Sweetie's insurance. Some bad, but one major good thing is they now work with a facility I wanted to get Sweetie into 2 years ago when she went into her first PRTF. This program has equine therapy and many other great programs. We should hear either tomorrow or Monday if she is accepted. Then we fight the insurance company for authorization. <br />
We are getting a lawyer involved in this aspect. <br />
After she is there we are going to try to get her into a longer program in Missouri that specializes in RAD. This will be our biggest challenge yet. But I am faithful that God will provide the path for Sweetie to get in and for the funding. I am clinging onto hope now for her healing. Hope is all I have left.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1012147632866938312.post-34004621230210191252014-06-20T22:02:00.001-04:002015-07-23T22:09:01.098-04:00Middle of the Storm<br />
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It has been just 3 weeks since Sweetie came home from PRTF and it is 100% obvious that she is not ready. I feel as if we have been stuck inside this violent thunderstorm. It is relentless and we are being beaten down with hail and blown over with winds. There is a constant tension on the air, like electricity. I have heard that your hair stands on end before you are struck by lightening. I feel like mine is stuck like that. The constant booming of thunder keeps you vigilant for the next lightening strike.</div>
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Sweetie's transition home has been pretty rough. That is putting it nicely. She does not want to be part of our family. We are constantly rejected by her. Sweetie has an awful sense of entitlement. This is common with children from hard places. It is almost as if she wants us to make retribution for the things that other families did. If we are not purchasing her something, she simply has no use for us. We got tired of being her giant walking wallets, so we made a decision that we would not purchase her anything unless behaviors were significantly better. But they have only gotten worse. She cares not for consequences or rewards. Praise doesn't work, redirection doesn't work, prize boxes no longer work and consequences don't work. Giving her what she wants doesn't work. Firm structure causes tantrums but if she gets what she wants she is happy for a moment, but tantrums even bigger later. The only thing that seems to keep the peace is if we completely ignore her and to find outside ways of controlling the environment indirectly. Example: If we say you can watch tv for 1 hour. After the hour she will refuse to shut the tv off and argue. Now if turn the wifi off so the Netflix doesn't work she doesn't think anything of that and she just turns it off. That will only work for so long before she catches on. And this just keeps her from blowing. It does not help her or us. We just walk on eggshells trying not to set off a time bomb. Name calling, property destruction, lying, manipulating and general aggression have picked back up and I am honestly to the point of burn out. I am stuck in a constant state of being in defense mode. My body can't turn it off. Behaviors have been so rough for so long that even in the moments where negative behaviors are not present, I find myself anticipating when the next ones will occur. It is so hard because you never never know what the trigger will be or how far the tantrum will go. I find myself trying to avoid Sweetie. My husband lives with his headphones on just blocks out everything.</div>
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For those on the outside, they see this sweet beautiful girl. But at home and also with her therapist she shows her intense rage and hatred. Rage which once starts quickly blows out of her control. We are working with so many different mental health professionals and they all become less and less optimistic about her future. </div>
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My husband started seeing a local therapist who specializes in Reactive Attachment Disorder. This has been helpful for my husband to be able to talk things out and he seems to actually be understanding what I have been trying to teach him for 2 years. Unfortunately she is also believes Sweetie would be best out of the home. Every mental health care professional we have dealt with in the last year says the same thing that Sweetie may never be able to successfully live in our home. I mourn this. All we ever wanted was to be parents. We never had and still do not have expectations for a child to be perfect. We expected challenges and hard times. But we also expected some times of joy. And we never expected to be physically and verbally abused in our own home. I have been working so hard on forgiveness. It is so difficult when the injuries continue to be inflicted. She finds joy in inflicting pain on us. Earlier this week I cried for the first time in front of her. Out of pure exhaustion and frustration. Her response was to laugh at me and mock me. And for the first time in 2 years I yelled at her. All I yelled is " I am f***ing crying, cant you for one moment just give me a break!". She laughed more and told me what an awful mother I am. That is nothing new, I am often told that and called many other flowery names. I had to leave the house or I was going to say many things that would have been very damaging. For the first time I felt like I can't do this. I feel like a failure. If I can't do this, who can? I have been doing everything that anyone could do and she seems to only get worse. </div>
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We are strongly considering following recommendations and placing her into a therapeutic foster home or group home. It is against everything I have been working toward, but we also need to be safe. And right now, I do not feel safe. She can handle living in an environment where there is no expectations of emotional involvement. Ultimately she will probably be happier that way. As exhausted as we are, I can only imagine how much worse it must feel inside her body. She is the one living with the demons of her past. We only get glimpses of what slips out. My heart breaks for her and my heart breaks for us. It is a lose lose situation. If she stays we are prisoners in our home. If she goes we lose our daughter. Or at least the idea of a daughter. </div>
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I have often said I can be Sweetie's mom where ever she lives. But, if I am being honest with myself and all of you, that is not true. In theory yes she will be my daughter, but the longer she is out of our home the further away she will grow from us. </div>
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In addition, while in this place of limbo, we can not adopt any more children. This is another devastating blow. We want lots of children. Now we are facing having none in the home. </div>
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To add another layer to our stress, we have some legal stuff involving Sweetie being contacted inappropriately online by an older man. Luckily I caught it as it was happening, but this has become a case that the police and child protective services are involved. I can not discuss the details because of the investigation. </div>
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Now add on the fact that Sweetie is scheduled for her tonsils to be removed Wednesday. </div>
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All of this together has created a situation that is well beyond my ability to cope effectively. </div>
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All I have left is my belief that God will see us through this. I still hold on to hope for Sweetie to heal. I am grasping at that, but the hope is still there. He is the only one who can open her up to wanting to accept healing. At her age she has to want to heal in order to be healed. It can not be forced. I can not make her want something she does not want for herself. I have nothing else in my bag of tricks to help her heal. I just have me, my love and my prayers. I pray we are making the right choices. I have nothing else I can do but just Hold On</div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I am holding on to you.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I am holding onto you.<br />In the middle of the storm O am holding on to you. </span></div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/JEJ8C77yy70" width="560"></iframe><br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1012147632866938312.post-88273291589702411802014-05-26T21:08:00.002-04:002014-05-26T21:14:11.334-04:00Where Feet May Fail<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This Friday Sweetie is being discharged from PRTF and will be coming home. There is part of me that is so happy and there is a bigger part that if I am truly honest with myself, is completely scared. I find myself facing the complete unknown. I have found myself over the last few days having some pretty big anxiety. I lay in bed when I first wake up and my nerves feel as if they are on fire, my heart races and for a moment I feel paralyzed. I take a few breathes and I force myself to face what is ahead of me. I feel awful that I feel like this. I hate that I can't let go of that feeling that she can flip a switch again at anytime. Oh how I love my daughter and how I want her home. She has grown in many ways. This weekend she had someone on Facebook ask her to delete messages and she immediately said she couldn't because I would be mad at her. She is starting to care what I think. </div>
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And then there is still so much pushing away going on too. This week she told her therapist (in front of me) that I let her watch porn. I was like really? Porn? Luckily the therapist knew she was lying. The scary part is Sweetie has been subjected to so much bad stuff that she can give enough detail about anything and it could be believed. When she came home this weekend she quickly noticed that we had removed all DVDs from our movie collection that were not rated G. when she asked about it, I nonchalantly said that I didn't want her to mistake a kissing scene in a movie for porn, so we took away anything that might be confusing and we are cancelling even our basic cable. She immediately admitted that she was lying. I just replied that I know but it really concerned me that she could so easily throw major lies out there. I explained that having a child watch porn is a form of child abuse. Of course she didn't see the issue because she completely lacks cause and effect thinking. I can't help but wonder where the lies will take us. What will they be, who will she tell. Is this going to be her next form or torturing us to push us away?</div>
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We are blessed with a community of people who are supporting us. We have had many offers from friends to spend time with her to give us a break. I am so leery of this for two reasons. </div>
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First, I have no clue what will come out of her mouth. She told my friend's 14 year old daughter that I was taking her to go on the pill. She tells the same girl that I take her shopping every week. She has told people we abuse her. She lies just to lie. I know why she does it. She feels unworthy of others and she wants to be liked, so she makes up stories to seem cooler or to get sympathy. </div>
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Second when ever others give her positive attention we pay, dearly. Sweetie is so pretty and has this cutesy younger kids voice. You can't help but want to love her. But the more attention she gets from others, the more defiant and disrespectful she becomes to us. So, most of the time, it just isn't worth the few hours out. I am hoping to get to a point where I can just let her go to someone's house without me. I want her to be able to have some normal teen experiences. This is a kid who lost her childhood. And now she is losing her teen years. Sadly, she just can't handle these experiences. At 14 I was already working and I could be trusted to go to the mall with friends. My daughter can't even figure out how to plug her Ipod in or how to turn lights off.</div>
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So this is where I stand. On the edge of the unknown. I am being forced to trust that we are doing the right things and that she will heal. I have to have faith that she will be ok in life.</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/1m_sWJQm2fs" width="560"></iframe><br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0