Saturday, September 23, 2017

Human

Just 'cause I predicted this
Doesn't make it any easier to live with
And what's the point of knowin' it
If you can't change it?
You can't change, can't change it


140 days until Sweetie turns 18. One Hundred and Forty Days and I will no longer be able to advocate for her. This month, like every month before this over the last several years, I attended our monthly meeting. Driving there I felt the familiar nausea and anxiety that I have experienced every month.
 This meeting she showed up late, stayed in the hall for 10 minutes talking on the phone and then once she did come in she continued texting. Never even acknowledging my presence. The whole purpose of our meetings are to help her. 7 adults sat around this table, all in disbelief as she ignored us. She didn't want to hear what was going on. Eventually her case worker asked that she put her phone up because she was wasting all our time. She had her normal nasty attitude, arguing with everyone in the room about pointless things, in attempts to not face the conversation that needed to happen.... Again! Over the last year every meeting we have been trying to prepare her for discharge from the program on her 18th birthday. Last month, I was so excited that I found a great solution... the Job Corps. They would provide housing, job training, education, provide health insurance and assist with job placement. Sweetie shot that down and refused to even entertain the idea. She also stopped working with her wrap around services, so they are terminating their services. The Wrap Around Services helped her with life skills, job skills, educational goals, bring her to Medicaid to extend her coverage and find housing. She will no longer have help with that, which means these things will most likely not be accomplished. Her behaviors are really flaring up and the treatment parent is done with dealing with her. She is going to try to stick it out for us. But she really doesn't think she will make it. I am doing my best to not panic about the path that this would throw us down with the courts. I have no control over how this will play out. I can only pray that Sweetie can hold it together and begin to work on a plan for when she turns 18.
Sweetie has completely sabotaged every form of help for the last 6 years and continues to do so. She has no plan of what she will do on her 18th birthday and she refuses to realistically discuss any options. And it makes me sick to think that she will most likely end up homeless. Every homeless person or prostitute that I pass while driving sends a shock of panic and sadness through me. As every day passes I find myself facing more guilt and doubt. Over analyzing every step and wondering if I really gave enough. My head knows that I did, but my heart is struggling. I have sat here for quite a while trying to find a positive spin. But her future appears so very grim. Sweeties diagnosis are difficult ones, the worst being Borderline Personality Disorder. Statistics show that approximately 70% of people diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder attempt suicide and out of those approximately 10 % succeed at their attempt. Just rereading that makes my heart ache for her. She did not ask to be neglected and  abused. She didn't ask to be passed around foster care. She didn't even ask to be adopted by us. She didn't ask to develop severe mental illness. However, she has been given 6 years of being offered every form of treatment that has been known to help treat her disorders. She only needed to want to get better. And sadly, I wanted that for her more than she wanted it for herself.
And no matter how hard I tried all the love, therapy and prayer hasn’t change her outcome.
I may have slowed the progression and I did keep her safe, but now when she turns 18 she is in the same situation as her sister who ran away before we could adopt her.
I flash back to the beginning of our journey when the social worker told me not to adopt this child, that she was unadoptable. That we would end up relinquishing her if we did adopt her. I remember how angry I was. But also how naïve and prideful I was to believe I could fix her . Would I do it all over again? Insanely, I would have to say yes. She may not have allowed me to be her mom , but I did become one heck of an advocate. This journey also weeded out people in my life and replaced them with amazing , strong, real friends that get hard things anc love me (hot mess and all). I have come to rely on God so completely, because I simply am incapable of doing it alone. Incapable of loving her unconditionally without God's grace for her and for myself.
So, I have no clue what will happen over the next 4 1/2 months. I don't even know what will happen tomorrow. And as hard as that once was, I am becoming more comfortable in that space of not knowing.
Friends, please do be praying for our girl- for something to click and for God to continue protecting her. And for Cris and I as we face the grief of losing our daughter (even though she will be walking the earth). Thank you all for being along on this journey.