Human

Just 'cause I predicted this
Doesn't make it any easier to live with
And what's the point of knowin' it
If you can't change it?
You can't change, can't change it

140 days until Sweetie turns 18. One Hundred and Forty Days and I will no longer be able to advocate for her. This month, like every month before this over the last several years, I attended our monthly meeting. Driving there I felt the familiar nausea and anxiety that I have experienced every month.
I flash back to the beginning of our journey when the social worker told me not to adopt this child, that she was unadoptable. That we would end up relinquishing her if we did adopt her. I remember how angry I was. But also how naïve and prideful I was to believe I could fix her . Would I do it all over again? Insanely, I would have to say yes. She may not have allowed me to be her mom , but I did become one heck of an advocate. This journey also weeded out people in my life and replaced them with amazing , strong, real friends that get hard things and love me (hot mess and all). I have come to rely on God so completely, because I simply am incapable of doing it alone. Incapable of loving her unconditionally without God's grace for her and for myself.
So, I have no clue what will happen over the next 4 1/2 months. I don't even know what will happen tomorrow. And as hard as that once was, I am becoming more comfortable in that space of not knowing.
Friends, please do be praying for our girl- for something to click and for God to continue protecting her. And for Cris and I as we face the grief of losing our daughter (even though she will be walking the earth). Thank you all for being along on this journey.