Monday, May 26, 2014

Where Feet May Fail

This Friday Sweetie is being discharged from PRTF and will be coming home. There is part of me that is so happy and there is a bigger part that if I am truly honest with myself, is completely scared. I find myself facing the complete unknown. I have found myself over the last few days having some pretty big anxiety. I lay in bed when I first wake up and my nerves feel as if they are on fire, my heart races and for a moment I feel paralyzed. I take a few breathes and I force myself to face what is ahead of me. I feel awful that I feel like this. I hate that I can't let go of that feeling that she can flip a switch again at anytime. Oh how I love my daughter and how I want her home. She has grown in many ways. This weekend she had someone on Facebook ask her to delete messages and she immediately said she couldn't because I would be mad at her. She is starting to care what I think.
And then there is still so much pushing away going on too. This week she told her therapist (in front of me) that I let her watch porn. I was like really? Porn? Luckily the therapist knew she was lying. The scary part is Sweetie has been subjected to so much bad stuff that she can give enough detail about anything and it could be believed. When she came home this weekend she quickly noticed that we had removed all DVDs from our movie collection that were not rated G. when she asked about it, I nonchalantly said that I didn't want her to mistake a kissing scene in a movie for porn, so we took away anything that might be confusing and we are cancelling even our basic cable.  She immediately admitted that she was lying. I just replied that I know but it really concerned me that she could so easily throw major lies out there. I explained that having a child watch porn is a form of child abuse. Of course she didn't see the issue because she completely lacks cause and effect thinking. I can't help but wonder where the lies will take us. What will they be, who will she tell. Is this going to be her next form or torturing us to push us away?
We are blessed with a community of people who are supporting us. We have had many offers from friends to spend time with her to give us a break. I am so leery of this for two reasons.
First, I have no clue what will come out of her mouth. She told my friend's 14 year old daughter that I was taking her to go on the pill. She tells the same girl that I take her shopping every week. She has told people we abuse her. She lies just to lie. I know why she does it. She feels unworthy of others and she wants to be liked, so she makes up stories to seem cooler or to get sympathy.
Second when ever others give her positive attention we pay, dearly. Sweetie is so pretty and has this cutesy younger kids voice. You can't help but want to love her. But the more attention she gets from others, the more defiant and disrespectful she becomes to us. So, most of the time, it just isn't worth the few hours out. I am hoping to get to a point where I can just let her go to someone's house without me. I want her to be able to have some normal teen experiences. This is a kid who lost her childhood. And now she is losing her teen years. Sadly, she just can't handle these experiences. At 14 I was already working and I could be trusted to go to the mall with friends. My daughter can't even figure out how to plug her Ipod in or how to turn lights off.
So this is where I stand. On the edge of the unknown. I am being forced to trust that we are doing the right things and that she will heal. I have to have faith that she will be ok in life.