Friday, March 16, 2018

Take Courage


This time 6 years ago, I was engulfed in utter despair over the loss of baby Leah. A hole was torn into my heart that awful day and even though there has been healing there is still that same ache that has stuck with me since that day. But on that darkest of days I truly cried out to God for the first time. Yelling, crying, pleading. The pain was so enormous I felt it would swallow me up and not let go. So I did what I do and I stuffed that pain away into it's tiny little box inside that hole and I dove into the next thing. Just days after the loss of Leah I got a match for Sweetie. She was this beautiful, petite 11 year old girl with the prettiest blue eyes and sweet singing voice. Coming from her own journey of loss and trauma, it felt like we were meant for each other. Over the next 6 years I tried everything I could to help Sweetie heal. I spent years putting hope in myself that I could do it, that I could get her the right treatments, that I could be the perfect therapeutic parent, that I could love her enough. But in the end I was not enough, I was never enough and I was never meant to be enough. For years my pride kept me from seeing that. Even now I still battle the feeling that I have failed. I know in my head that she is God's and I am not The Christ. I know in my head I was never capable of healing her broken soul. But getting that message to stick in my heart is difficult. I have been working on this for a little over a year preparing for the time to come when her journey would split from mine. And now we are at that split. Tomorrow Sweetie will turn 18. I had felt so proud of myself a few weeks ago, bragging to a friends that even though Sweetie was unable to live with us, she was still a success. We got her to 18 without having any children, remaining in school, not using drugs and not having a criminal record. A few days later I got the call that she was arrested for assault on 2 people, one of them being a minor. When cleaning out her room they found random pills and she was no longer in school. All of the measures that I used as success markers were smashed with one phone call. She had stopped talking her medications a month before the assault. I made the hardest decision of not bailing her out of jail. Unfortunately, a public defender got a second bond hearing to get her released to someone else that I don't know. (Even though she was a minor).
So at this point she is out there somewhere. She wants nothing to do with us and I have to let her go. 
And again the ache of loss is gnawing at me. It is like she has died but she is around to haunt us. I can't do anything to protect her from others and herself. I have to work on forgiving her for everything that we have been put through. I have to let go of the bitterness from losing our dream of a large family. I need to be grateful for what God has done for us. How he has given is the amazing gift of Spartacus. And how he used our trials with Sweetie to develop skills that I now use to help other kids and families. Tomorrow, I will allow myself space to mourn the loss of my daughter. But after that I will focus again on what God has done for me and what he has planned for me. I will take courage that He will finish all He's begun.