Wednesday, April 08, 2015

If You Fall

The last few weeks have been amazing with baby Spartacus. He has the sweetest soul. And such an easy baby. He rarely cries. Only when he is hungry or naked. He is changing so much every day. Becoming more alert and interactive with us. He is just amazing. We only have 7 more days for his biological father to contest. It has already been 3 weeks and he has not responded to being served, so he most likely won't! That is our last hurdle. The rest is just waiting the remainder 60 of 90 days before our adoption can be filed for finalization. We should finalize in June sometime. It still blows my mind that just 7 months ago, we decided to adopt again. And now we hold this perfect little life in our hands. When I hold him, I feel as if he was always mine. I want to protect him from everything. I know I won't be able to. He will fall...many times. But I will be there for him, to pick him up, brush him off and set him on his way again. I have kept touch with his birth mom. We are trying to plan a get together for her family to meet lil Spartacus. Things have been going well for her, her husband and 5 year old. I am so happy about this. God has really made something beautiful by bringing Spartacus and them into our lives.
I continue to hope for our Sweetie's healing. There are many days that it seems hopeless and I want to run as far as I can away. But, something keeps me here. She is my daughter I can not abandon her, like everyone else has. I wish more than anything that she could truly know that I am here with her. She continues to push us away more and more. And now we are back here AGAIN, for the 3rd time... It's time for discharge for Sweetie from PRTF. And again they are unable to find a placement for her to step down into. Everyone on her treatment team knows if they can't find a placement and she comes home prematurely again, she will be set up for failure and will quickly end up needing to be hospitalized. There is a huge gap in treatment, between the higher level of treatment and lower. They really need a long term place for kids like Sweetie, who can't live in a home with family, but have family that is there for them, loving them, not giving upon them. Not a place where kids would be abandoned, but a place for kids with Severe RAD to live, while they work on feeling safe with their families. Who knows, maybe someday I will be able to do something like this. For now, I continue to pour love into our girl. No matter how much my heart is beaten I am still here. It is really all I can do.

So, our life is full of complete joy and such pain all at the same time. I don't know what God has planned for our little family. I only know our journey is that of redemption and unconditional love.

"If you fall, I fall with you
If you hurt I feel it too
Even if my heart turns black and blue
I will love you"