Sunday, February 16, 2014

So Lately, Been Wondering

The last few weeks have been rough with Sweetie. Lots of pushing and lots of blow ups. She has been very hurtful and deliberate in her verbal attacks. I am not going to get into details, because it is basically more of the same pushing that has been going on for the last year and a half. I have spent a lot of time contemplating Sweetie's long term prognosis. Could the psychiatrist and therapist be right? Could she really not be able to make it on her own? I just can't allow myself to believe that. I have so much hope for her future. My dreams for my child are not the same as the average parent. I do not have unrealistic dreams of her being a doctor or a lawyer. My dreams for her are simply for her to be ok with being herself. For her to find people in life that will not abuse her. That she can live on her own and that she will find peace in God. We are going to love her no matter what her path in life brings.
We had been having a lot of issues with her PRTF and a few weeks ago I had a big meeting with the clinical director, the now ex-president and several other department heads. I am happy to report that there are beginning to be positive changes. They have stopped medicating Sweetie. They are restructuring her program for her individual needs. I am VERY happy about this. We actually discussed this today in our therapy session with Sweetie. There is now direct correlation between her behaviors at home and her privileges/consequences there. I am really liking her new therapist and the new Medical Director.
Even the staff at the PRTF is noticing the good changes. At this time I am leaving Sweetie where she is an seeing how things continue to go.
 They have been working in therapy on what love really is. During this she decided that she did not love us and did not know if she ever could. Part of me knows this and I have to be ok with her loving us the best that she can. Ultimately, it is not her job to love me anyways. Would it be nice to know she loves me? Absolutely! At this point I would be happy if she could just accept the love I am giving. As much as she was pushing, I knew I was getting into her heart more. Today I got to see a glimmer of hope. On our way back to residential Sweetie said that she always feels prettier when she is home. I asked her if she knew why. She responded it was because she was happy and that she felt she could do anything in life when she was with us. I wanted to jump up and down, screaming "We are getting through!!!".
She also gave me this!

"Wherever You Will Go"

So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone, you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face

If a great wave shall fall
It'd fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own?

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll find out
The way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days

If a great wave shall fall
It'd fall upon us all
Well I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you


Run away with my heart
Run away with my hope
Run away with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time


If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go

I'll go wherever you will go