Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Derailed





I want to preface this entry by saying I still love adoption. I think it is one of God's designs to correct some of the brokenness of the world. I have adopted 2 children. One is a story of how I imagine God designed it. It is a story of miracles and joy. My other child's story is one of soul wrenching pain.
Both are stories of redemption and both I would do again in a heart beat. And with all my heart I believe that both children were brought to me by God.

Today I am struggling with my eldest. 5 1/2 years go we were matched with a cute, spunky 12 year old girl. We had just come off the hardness of losing Baby Leah and we just felt that this child was meant to be ours. We received her profile and I was just heartbroken with the situations in which this child had survived. We knew she had issues but we were na├»ve in our thinking that enough love, therapy and prayer could fix her. I knew I could fix her. I studied every book I could get my hands on about Reactive Attachment Disorder. I attended conferences, listened to Cd's and podcast. I even started to see an attachment specialist before we even made our first communication. I knew everything there was no know. We set up safety plans for our house, put chimes on doors, cameras in shared areas of the house. I was ready, I should rephrase that, I thought I was ready.
Since that day I have had to come face to face with my "Savior Complex". In all honesty I thought I could fix this child. Over the last 5 years we experienced so many insanely difficult times. And I kept pushing, trying to find yet another kind of therapy that might work, a new medication a new program anything to help me fix her. But this past year it hit me like a slap to the face, it is NOT my job to fix her. It never was. I am not Christ. I still have to choke those words out. I am not the Christ. That statement was one of the first I remember our pastor saying when he first came to our church
When I heard them, I was like ok , I get it, we are not Christ... yeah, yeah, yeah... let's get onto the music already. I have to say my church has some pretty awesome music. So I packed that message away with the hundreds of messages I have heard through out my life, not realizing now a year or so later it would be a statement I make almost daily. I am not going to rehash the details of our trials over the last few years. Basically a ton of crazy behaviors to push us away because accepting love was too scary for her brain to allow. some of it documented in this blog but most not.
But everything came to a head this year when Sweetie started communicating with her biological father. The same man whose rights were terminated. Once that communication started her behavior towards us got worse again. We sat in family therapy session were she threatened us that if we did not disrupt our adoption to her, that she would make DSS reports and have the remove her from us. We told her we would not dissolve our adoption. And she stuck to her word and the accusations started again. We have been on this ride before and knew what to expect. This time it was scarier because we have Spartacus and DSS could remove him as well as her.
So month after month me we keep showing up and jumping through what ever hoops are placed in front of us. But the closer to 18 she gets the worst she gets. Her behaviors are still challenging and she is on her 3rd placement in the last year. She is on her last home that will accept her now and the foster mom is already ready to give up. When this happens all hell will break lose for our family. The agency will try to force her home. The only words she says to us are rude comments and cutting us off. She does not want to come back and honestly we aren't willing to with how unstable she is. She is at times dangerous and we will not put our 2 year old in danger of being hurt. Bringing her home would be neglectful toward him. When we reject her coming home we will be brought up on charges from DSS for Neglect and Abandonment. We will be punished because there is nowhere for her to go. So we will end up in front of a judge and he will determine her fate.
The agency she is with now has been trying to relinquish her so she can be in foster care until 21. Giving her a chance to work on herself.  That makes sense, but if we do that we will automatically be charged and the judge will be harsher on us. If we wait for the agency to run out of placements because of her behaviors we still face DSS and charges, but we have a better chance of the judge waiving charges, So, things are a complete mess. I have to give it to God every day! I have to remember he is bigger than this and that Sweetie is still capable of being healed. So, for now we wait. I strangely am at peace of what ever happens. In my heart I want to foster and adopt several children. But God may have different plans for me. Friends I ask that you keep us in your thoughts and prayers. The rejection can be so unbearably hurtful at times. And I am struggling with secondary PTSD from the years of trauma inflicted on us. The system shouldn't be this complicated. But it is almost impossible to navigate.  Please join me in praying for 2 things. First for healing for Savannah, that she will feel God's presence in her life, Secondly pray for a very direct pathway for her to transition into adulthood. There is so much more, but my brain hurts from the 3 hour meeting today.
Thank you for supporting our little family.  I don't know what we would do without all of our friends that love us and our girl so unconditionally.