Saturday, January 25, 2014

We Remain

When I started thinking of being an adoptive mom I had no idea that I would become a warrior. When one thinks of a mother they usually think of kind, loving, nurturing. Not tough, exhausted and aggressive. Being a mom in general is hard, but being a mom of a child with any special needs requires you to become a soldier. You learn to endure almost anything. You  develop a crazy amount of patience. You learn to fight and I mean really battle to meet the needs of these kids. It may be researching for months, hunting down medications, fighting the schools for a good IEP or battling the insurance companies to get necessary treatment. All while trying to manage the rest of your life and not look like you have completely lost it. It can be exhausting and too often you feel absolutely alone. But you are not alone. There is a whole army of warrior mommas who are in the trenches with you. Although our battles are different and we each have our area of combat specialty, we are all battling everyday for our kids. I have been so unbelievably blessed to personally know many of these beautifully fierce women. They are mom's of kids with attachment issues, severe mental health issues, sensory processing issues, cancer, cerebral palsy, mitochondrial disease, deaf, autistic, HIV, dyslexia, cleft palates, spina bifida, down syndrome, children who had strokes and children born extremely prematurely. There are so many individual and complex issues that each of these beautiful, strong women battle with their children each day.  Even though each child's needs are unique, many of battles warrior moms face are the same. We often go without meeting our own needs, whether that be missing a meal, skipping a shower because you are simply just to tired when you finally get to sit down at 11:00 at night and most are sleep deprived. We have lost "friends" and given up dreams. We know the pain of being criticized behind our backs and also being told to give up to our faces. At times, we can feel as if I can not go on another moment longer. But then, one of our fellow warrior moms comes along side of us and lifts us up and helps carry the load for a while. Sometimes, it can be a kind word, a hug, a meal or a prayer. Other times it is showing up with a bottle of wine, doing your dishes or offering to babysit so you can get a rare date with your husband. We cry together in our dark times, we laugh at crazy things and we celebrate victories. We understand that even the smallest victory is still a Victory! We hold our fellow warrior momma's close to our heart. We feel their pain, we understand. We understand that each of us has sat down at sometime and thought " what did I do?" or "I just can't do this". We have stared defeat straight in the face on more times than any of us care to admit. But we have also experienced a joy that can not be put into words. We have strength that only overcoming obstacles can bring. This evening I have spent a long time reflecting on each of the amazing warrior moms I have come to know. Many in person and I proud to call friends. Some, I know only through social media. I am grateful for each and every single warrior mom. You are amazing and you inspire me each day. I have so much love in my heart for each and everyone of you. No matter what comes our way We Remain.

Friday, January 10, 2014

One Little Word

One little word that will impact a whole year. This year instead of making resolutions I know I won't keep, I have joined some of the women from my women's group in listening for a word for the coming year. The idea is to chose one word that represents what you most hope God will do in you and then you focus on that word the entire year. We had one of our women's group meetings at church last week and some of the ladies shared their words from last year. Prior to the meeting we had been sent a list of questions to reflect on in choosing our word. If interested you can find them here: ENROUTE BLOG
As I reflected on 2013, I could mostly recall it being a year of brokenness and pain. As we spent our first full year as Sweetie's parents I have discovered how broken our girl truly is and also how broken I am. The last few weeks have been especially difficult. She refused to see us for Christmas Eve. That was really difficult on me. It was another holiday without a child. Sweetie's level of rejection has reached an all time high. This means she is feeling her most scared. During most interactions with her, she is raging. Her monologues are laced with profanity and her topics jumps around second to second. Time is all jumbled together. She mixes events up that happened anywhere from yesterday to years ago. She has been working on some of her past trauma's in therapy so she has a lot of these memories floating around on the surface of her subconscious. I am sure this has brought her back around to grieving again. Our therapy this session this week was an hour of one long rage.  It really seems as if she is getting worse and pulling further away from us. I mostly feel this is due to the fact that we are only allowed to talk for a few minutes 3 times a week. And most times they don't put our calls through. So, when you have a bad phone call Thursday you can't talk again until Sunday. That is 3 days for her to stew. We never get a chance to build her back up and her shame is becoming greater and greater. Overall I have not been happy with the facility. I am really disappointed in most all of the staff. With the exception of the therapist. For some reason Sweetie has connected with her and has opened up to her.  And for this reason I have kept her at the facility. Today, I received and email from the therapist that she will be leaving. So I have no reason to keep her there. The loss of this therapist is going to be very difficult on Sweetie and I am sure going to create a huge set back. I am really disappointed, but I understand why the therapist is leaving. Which are very much the same reasons why I am not happy with the facility.
So, now I am doing what I do best and advocating for my Sweetie. I will be looking for a new facility for her and transferring her. That will of course be a very involved process.
This brings me back to my word for 2014. I kept coming back to 2013 being broken. This brought me to think of unbrokenness, except that isn't a real word. In our small group during the women's meeting we were sharing our potential words with our friends to narrow down our word. As we discussed this, my friend Amy suggested whole. I have reflected on this the past few days and I have decided that my word for 2014 will be whole. I want wholeness for myself and more than anything I want wholeness for Sweetie. I want her to be able to accept our love. I want her to feel happiness and peace. I want her to know she is safe and we have unconditional love for her. I want her to know God's love. There is so much that I want for my child. I will spend this year with my one Little Word. I am eager to see where it will lead us.