Friday, January 10, 2014

One Little Word

One little word that will impact a whole year. This year instead of making resolutions I know I won't keep, I have joined some of the women from my women's group in listening for a word for the coming year. The idea is to chose one word that represents what you most hope God will do in you and then you focus on that word the entire year. We had one of our women's group meetings at church last week and some of the ladies shared their words from last year. Prior to the meeting we had been sent a list of questions to reflect on in choosing our word. If interested you can find them here: ENROUTE BLOG
As I reflected on 2013, I could mostly recall it being a year of brokenness and pain. As we spent our first full year as Sweetie's parents I have discovered how broken our girl truly is and also how broken I am. The last few weeks have been especially difficult. She refused to see us for Christmas Eve. That was really difficult on me. It was another holiday without a child. Sweetie's level of rejection has reached an all time high. This means she is feeling her most scared. During most interactions with her, she is raging. Her monologues are laced with profanity and her topics jumps around second to second. Time is all jumbled together. She mixes events up that happened anywhere from yesterday to years ago. She has been working on some of her past trauma's in therapy so she has a lot of these memories floating around on the surface of her subconscious. I am sure this has brought her back around to grieving again. Our therapy this session this week was an hour of one long rage.  It really seems as if she is getting worse and pulling further away from us. I mostly feel this is due to the fact that we are only allowed to talk for a few minutes 3 times a week. And most times they don't put our calls through. So, when you have a bad phone call Thursday you can't talk again until Sunday. That is 3 days for her to stew. We never get a chance to build her back up and her shame is becoming greater and greater. Overall I have not been happy with the facility. I am really disappointed in most all of the staff. With the exception of the therapist. For some reason Sweetie has connected with her and has opened up to her.  And for this reason I have kept her at the facility. Today, I received and email from the therapist that she will be leaving. So I have no reason to keep her there. The loss of this therapist is going to be very difficult on Sweetie and I am sure going to create a huge set back. I am really disappointed, but I understand why the therapist is leaving. Which are very much the same reasons why I am not happy with the facility.
So, now I am doing what I do best and advocating for my Sweetie. I will be looking for a new facility for her and transferring her. That will of course be a very involved process.
This brings me back to my word for 2014. I kept coming back to 2013 being broken. This brought me to think of unbrokenness, except that isn't a real word. In our small group during the women's meeting we were sharing our potential words with our friends to narrow down our word. As we discussed this, my friend Amy suggested whole. I have reflected on this the past few days and I have decided that my word for 2014 will be whole. I want wholeness for myself and more than anything I want wholeness for Sweetie. I want her to be able to accept our love. I want her to feel happiness and peace. I want her to know she is safe and we have unconditional love for her. I want her to know God's love. There is so much that I want for my child. I will spend this year with my one Little Word. I am eager to see where it will lead us.

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