Updates and Holidays

This past week Aunt & Uncle went to a meeting with the social workers involved in Tiny Bit's case. Bio Mom has a lot that she needs to accomplish in order to be able to get Tiny back. That is the hard part of  legal risk....there is a chance that Tiny could go back to her mom. For now she has been placed under what they call Kinship Care which gives Aunt & Uncle guardianship over her. This actually works out to our advantage. We can babysit including overnights because AUnt & Uncle feel safe with us doing so. It is my understanding from reading that I have done is if they had declared them Foster Parents we would have had our Foster License to have her stay overnight. For this I am grateful:)

We are going to meet bio mom in the new year sometime. I would like to think that if she meets us and likes us, that maybe,just maybe, when her list of task that need to be accomplished seems to difficult that she will justsign her rights to Tiny over to us. ( Obviously this is in my perfect world where unicorns fart rainbows). When she meets us we will not be discussing our intent to adopt Tiny. For now she just knows that we will be assisting in Tiny's care when Uncle travels with work. She has seen pictures of us.
The reality is we will most likely have a bumpy road with the bio moms rights being terminated (TPR's) and the risk of completely losing her to her bio mom will be there until  she relinquishes her rights or they are TPR'd. Which can take a year. Legal Risk is difficult, but it is really the only chance Cris and I have at adopting a baby. Since we financially can not afford private adoption.

We have been able to spend a lot of time with Tiny and her sister Little. We just adore both girls. We had them for about 7 hours today. A good chunk of that Cris was not home for. I got a run for my money :) They girls are sweet though and I loved every second of it!! I am going to miss them when they are gone this week!

We got our letter from CHS that our license has been sent to the state for approval which means they gave us their stamp of approval. And I have my PPA (even though I have not gotten an official word that it has been approved). I am going to start sending that out for an older child :) We should receive our foster license by the end of February beginning of March. It takes 50 days.

We are 2 days away from Christmas and it is bittersweet. I am happy that we have grown our family with Aunt, Uncle, Tiny and Little Bit...as well as my friend Kim and her family. I am sad that Aunt, Uncle and the babies will be out of town for the holiday, but they will be here to ring in the New Year! Kim and Family are coming Christmas morning for Breakfast! I am really looking forward to this. I am hoping this is our last Christmas without children in our house. I thought the same thing last Christmas. That is the hard part.
I have other friends also going through this process right now and I know they are having these same feelings. My heart hurts for them too. The holidays are hard for anyone who is trying to expand their family either by infertility treatments or adoption. I hope that my friends find comfort that we are at least in the process of getting what our heart longs for. And I want to remind them that it is not if we are going to get children, but it is When we get them!!

80th Post...Things can change in the blink of an eye.

This is my 80th Post and my blog has had 7040 views..Who would I thoiught I could be that interesting? When I started this blog back in February, our journey was so different. Really, I thought by summer I would have a tween girl lounging around our house having those hormonal moments that pre teen girls do. Here we are now, right before Christmas, with no child, but with so much more. We have a chance at adding a baby girl to our family.... we have added to our family 2 sisters, a brother and 2 nieces. We have quickly formed bonds with Tiny's, Aunt & Uncle and with my fabulous friend Kim, her husband and her daughter ( who I absolutely adore) Uncle nicknamed the girls Tiny (baby L) and her sister Little... so I think for the blog I will use those.

Since Wednesday when Tiny can "home" to live with her Aunt & Uncle I have been able to see L 4 times. I also got to see her big sister (Little). We just love spending time with them. It is amazing how the simplest of things can bring such joy. To people who have not had any issues having a baby, I am sure that the things I am so enjoying are everyday, boring events. But to me they are the most precious of moments. To see a baby a sleep in my husbands arms, when I thought there was absolutely no chance of us ever having a baby is absolutely breathtaking. I am enjoying the high of this, but in the back of my head there is the constant voice reminding me that this may not work out. Everything looks promising, but I have to stay grounded. It is hard to not get attached to her or to her sister. They are both so sweet and cute. To look into their eyes and see their smiles will just melt your heart... well, it melts mine. And I am pretty sure that Tiny has Cris wrapped around her finger already.

Tiny is so strong for her age. I can hold her hands and she will stand and bounce up and down. I swear she will walk soon.  We met Uncle at the mall today, he had taken the girls for a picture with Santa. He gave me one of the pictures. I love the picture! The girls were wearing the matching outfits I got them yesterday. It is going to be so easy to spoil these two :) I have already been told that Aunt & I are NOT allowed to go shopping together! She is enjoying buying for 2 as well!!

Wednesday is a big day, that is when the Aunt & Uncle have a meeting with DSS to see what is going on and come up with a plan. We are hoping that we can get permission to babysit L. That will be good for us to be able to bond and also to give Aunt & Uncle a break. Which is great for all involved :)

Aunt, Uncle and the girls will be going on a trip from Christmas Eve am for a week. I will miss them. We will have to have our celebration when they get back to kick off the New Year. It is going to be a big year. One of big ups and downs and hopefully ending next December with us being able to adopt Tiny.

Christmas will be pretty low key this year, Cris & I will visit with my friend Kim and her family and then go to the movies like we tradionally do. This will hopefully be the last year that we do that.

I have had so many people supporting us through our journey. The ups and the downs. I appreciate the encouraging words in our bad times and the cheers at our good times. I am really a blessed person to have so many people care for us the way they do. Our child whether it is Tiny or anyone else is also going to be blessed by having all of you in her corner. Love to you all!

Surprise

I had made a dental appointment for Baby L's grandmother for today a week or so ago. About an hour and a half before her appointment she called me at work...and i was thinking "oh, she must be cancelling-bummer".
Well she was very excited and told me that her husband was on the way up to pick up baby L; that DSS had removed her from her bio mom. This is what I thought was going to take forever to do and it has only been a few weeks. The nicest part is he drove straight from picking her up to bring her to my work, so I could see her and so we could all have lunch together. They then came over again tonight so Cris could meet her.
We are so beyond the moon happy. We are happy she is safe, we are happy for the family that we are building in the grandmother and grandfather ( who from this moment on will be called Aunt & Uncle). Our dear mutual friend, her husband and daughter came for the visit. This will become our family. None of us have family here and we have all just clicked, which is fabulous!

So, for now Baby L will live with her Aunt & Uncle until our paper work has cleared...which can take up to 50 days. Hopefully the babies social worker can help get us approved sooner.
In the meantime we are going to visit with them and spend as much time as we can with them.
The Aunt & Uncle had previously adopted Baby L's sister who is 11 months older than her. She was here today as well. Cris & her have a great bond... it is awesome. She just loves him.

My heart is so happy, it is ready to burst out of my chest!!! How will I ever fall asleep tonight?

Sometimes you just need to have a temper tantrum...

It is amazing the response I have gotten since I told CHS I was going to transfer our case to another agency.
Our social worker made a trip over to my house at 6:30 in the morning in the rain to pick up the marriage certificate and divorce decree.
I received an email from the Program Director that once my certificate and license are received by them it should be about a week. And just now I received an email from my social worker that they are working to get us put on the agenda for the committee to approve next week.
Yay!

Sometimes you need a change in directions

We have decided to start looking into transferring our case to a different adoption agency. It just should not be this difficult. Throughout my life I have always pushed through whatever obstacles got in my way and got the result I was looking for. No matter what the challenge. I have been thinking of this a lot and than Sunday during church, Pastor Bruce was sharing a story about his son. He said that he shared with his son one of the most profound thing he may ever hear and that is, sometimes you just lose. That you are not meant to always win. Now losing is not something I am particularly fond of, but who ever is? Now, I do not believe anywhere in my heart that we are meant to completely quit our journey. But maybe we are meant to take a different path to get to our destination.
I have contacted Lutheran Family Services of the Carolinas (LHS) about transferring our case. I am grateful to a great friend who has given us the information on this agency. I have to respect that my friend's social worker adopted her own child through LHS. We will see what they say about transferring our case to them. It is my understanding that the agency that completes the home study is the one who gets paid for it from the state.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers that the right path is going to open up for us. Thanks!

So, this is what it feels like to be bi-polar

As high as my spirits were at the news of a possibility of adopting a baby; they have become equally low. Last week I was informed that somehow CHS only has photo copies of my marriage certificate/divorce papers and that they need originals or certified copies. The problem is I had sent them the originals (keeping photocopies for my records)... which means they lost the originals. Legally for the state they are required, so no originals or certified copies = no approved home study. I was told to order certified copies of everything. Which was another $120 and it will take up to 2 more weeks to get... and of course they could not send the home study to committee without them.
So I am thinking I get these papers and send them in that I am good, right?
Now this evening I get an email that the social worker will have to talk to their legal department to see if they will accept what I ordered. For real?? WTF???? Why did I pay for these if there is a chance they won't be accepted? I emailed her back stating if they don't accept them, we don't have anything else it is the end of our journey and I will be completely devastated... Seriously, I will probably need to be sedated or something. If this doesn't work, we have no chance of having a family at all. So, I am very frustrated and more so, I am extremely sad. We are just a few weeks away from Christmas, which for the first time in my life I am kind of dreading. The thought of that day coming and we are no closer to having our own children and that there may be no hope of us having one ever is just unbearable to think of right now. I try to stay upbeat and hopeful on the outside...but inside I feel like someone has tore a piece of my heart out. Cris is just getting angry and who can blame him? We have been playing this game for almost a year. We have jumped when told to jump. We have done everything requested, had every aspect of our life inspected. I really have to question what is the purpose of all of this. Why are we having so many issues with this? I know not one thing in my life has ever come easy, but really this too? Can't we get a break in just this one thing?

Ducks in a Row

It is amazing how well this seems to be flowing now. Our social worker is submitting our home study tomorrow. Yeah!!! That has only taken almost 11 months! She said they will do what they can to get that approved and then the baby's social worker will have to get the state to expedite the foster care certification. Once that is done we just wait.

We are continuing to per sue adopting an older child. But this just seems to be right. So we will see. I am looking forward to meeting the baby's grand parents on Wednesday. I wonder what they will want to be called. I guess we will work out all those details as we go.

So many people have been supportive of us on our journey. I can't help but feel so touched by this.

Hopefully I have more to update real soon!

More Than My Heart Could Have Wished For.

If you ever talk to anyone who has adopted, they will tell you how much of a roller coaster ride it is. It takes you to the lowest of lows to the highest of highs. This weekend was one of those highs!
Through a good friend of mine we were connected with a family that is looking for a family for their granddaughter. We have exchanged emails and a phone calls. We are going to meet them Wednesday in person. It would be a partially open adoption. With no ties to the birth mother but there would be contact with the grand parents and the baby's sister.
This is very exciting. The most exciting part is the baby girl is not quite 6 months old yet.
I know this what not what we had planned...but it just might be what is meant to be! I cannot share the details, but this may move along quite quickly so we have a lot to get together pretty quickly!
We are very excited to build a relationship with the baby's grandparents and sister. My heart is so happy I could just explode. I imagine this is what a woman feels like when she finds out she is pregnant. Without the morning sickness.
Maybe, just maybe all of the waiting and issues with our paperwork have been for a reason and this baby girl could be it.
I cannot share details just yet, just know Cris and I could not be more elated than we are. We are finally a step closer to having a family!

Just What I Needed To Hear

I know I have been super inpatient lately, but those who know me well can tell you that is how I have always been. I get an idea in my head and I have to make it happen. That is not a good trait to have when being on the adoption journey. But I am dealing with it. Lord knows, I have my bad days. But most of the time I am keeping my head above water and keeping busy. I have joined a group called SPAFA (Southern Piedmont Adoptive Families Association and I have signed up to do some volunteering for Children's Home Society.

Cris and I went to a meeting for SPAFA today. My friend Kim is on the board and she has been encouraging me to come for a while. So today we went and I am so glad we did. It was a mixed group of people who have adopted in the past, those in the process and those just starting. The thing that came out of this was when one of the dads was talking about their journey and was talking about how he has never met anyone who has started this process that has not ended up adopting a child. So it is not a matter of If  but When it will happen.  The moment he said that it clicked. 

When I got home I had another email from my social worker stating she wanted to set another home visit to go over our final paper work after it has been reviewed by her supervisor.

I know in the past I have talked about wanting to volunteer with CHS and I have gotten through the paperwork and have signed up for my first two things. The first is easy and it is collecting non-perishable item, frozen turkeys and grocery gift cards to give to 25 families that are participating in CHS's Family Support and Self Sufficiency program .  The second is working a holiday event for the same program.
Children's Home Society has many programs, not just adoption.

I have been working on an adoption soundtrack on my Itunes and it has evolved into a nice little collection.
I have been listening to it non stop in my car for a couple weeks. I made a couple of copies for some adoptive parents that I am friends with. So far it has been a hit. Here is the play list...

 1. So Far to Find You- Casting Crowns
2. When Love Takes You In- Steven Curtis Chapman
3. Smile-Chris Rice
4. You'll Be In My Heart- Phil Collins
5. This Is Home- Switchfoot
6. Little Wonders- Rob Thomas
7. Until- Sting
 8. The Promise- Tracy Chapman
9. The Red Thread- Lucy Laplansky
10. Give Yourself to Love- Kate Wolf
11. Somewhere- Glee Cast
12. Perfect Peace- Laura Story
13. Make You Feel My Love-Adele
 14. You Found Me- Kelly Clarkson
15.Hope Now- Addison Road
16. Fix You- Coldplay
17. Good Life- One Republic

It represents all different stages of adoption from the waiting to the meeting to the becoming a family.

I sit here this afternoon and I feel blessed to have a family and friends to support us in this journey. I also very grateful to everyone that has been there for us. I can not imagine this journey with out you all.

1 week follow up

It's November 1st...the beginning of National Adoption Awareness Month. Today was the day that my friend Amy became a forever family to Hope. Their Adoption was made formal at 2:00pm today.
Our hope for the month is to just be approved to adopt.

It's been a week since our social worker was here. It has been an emotional one for me. I was glad to have Halloween to distract me. We had a fabulous Halloween party and then Halloween around here is spectacular. I think we had about 150 kids trick-or-treating. It was bitter sweet. I loved all the kids coming in the costumes and them really enjoying all of our decorations. But it made me sad that it was yet another Halloween without kids. Bummer!

I followed up with my social worker today, since I had not heard from her or from her supervisor.
She emailed back that she is waiting to get our educational information from the office in Raleigh and some other info  ( Lord only knows what that is). Her supervisor got my email and said if I wanted to meet we could. My response was I don;t need another meeting, I just want to know that everything that needs to be done is getting done.
My social worker ( bless her) stated that several of the families she is working with are all frustrated and she is doing her best to try to help us all. I feel for her, but I am also feel for me.

Cris and I have made a pretty serious decision. We are giving it until Christmas to get approved. If we are not than we know this is not meant for us. And we have to look at alternative plans. That gives us 2 more months. All we need is to be approved, I know placement will not be possible. We just need to have some sense of moving forward. Our life has been on hold for almost 10 months. So, it is in Gods hands. If this is what we are meant to do, it will work out.