Sunday, November 03, 2013

Sometimes you get hurt when you are parenting a warrior

My daughter wears a suit of armor that has protected her the best it could when she was living a life full of danger. She has worn it so long it has become part of her. Over the last year she has removed small pieces. She has taken her helmet off so we could see her beautiful eyes and hear her beautiful voice. She has at times even taken off her gloves so that she could give you a genuine hug now and again. But then she notices how vulnerable she is becoming and puts her armor back on and when she feels extremely vulnerable she pulls her sword and attacks. This week that is what happened.
It rocked her to the core that I would not leave my husband for her when she had made accusations against him.  She began to question my loyalty to her, which ultimately resulted in her interrupting that as rejection of her. Sweetie's disorder centers around her negative self worth and shame. The perceived rejection became unbearable and triggered her biggest rage to date. Since the accusation Sweetie has become more and more unsafe at home. Threatening to blow the house up by sticking metal in the microwave. She started to randomly hit Cris and I, shove us& kick us. She would slam doors repeatedly and bang things on the walls for hours at a time. Even with therapist here. She would be waiting for Cris outside our bedroom door at 3 in the morning when he left for work.
Wednesday I came home from work late because we had our annual work Christmas card photo shoot. (Keep in mind while reading this next part, I was still wearing my costume). As soon as I walked in the door she started verbally abusing me and was being defiant. She grabbed the salt container and poured it out onto our dining room table. I asked he to stop and as always said "no you can't make me". So, I went over and tried to grab it from her hand. That was when she elbowed me in the face. From there she went to the freezer and started grabbing things and then the pantry. When she refused and cussed at me, I just said "That's ok, I guess you don't have to give you your allowance this week". (Natural consequence, right?) That set of a rage that turned into her destroying her room, including the dresser I just redid for her. She than began hitting herself in the face with a full length mirror. When I tried to take the mirror away from her she kicked through it and then attacked me. Cris tried to get her off me and then she attacked him. While she was beating on him, I called the cops. When she saw me again, she charged at me again and started punching me in the face. Landing several blows directly to my nose and mouth. Cris was able to yank her off and we were able to restrain her on the bed. At one point Cris let go of her legs when she seemed to be calm and she kicked me repeatedly in the stomach. After restraining her for a while, she calmed enough that we let her go. She got up and went over and started jumping on the broken mirror. I bent over to try to get it away from her and she punched me in the face again.
I was able to get away and we tried to block her in her room and then she began to throw things. She threw her tv and dvd player, tore pictures off walls and threw her full piggy bank at my head.
Then the cops arrived and she immediately settled. All she could say to me was I deserved it.
She was transported by police to the local mental health emergency room where they admitted her.
We are currently attempting to get her into a new Psychiatric Residential Treatment Facility  that specializes in traumatized children. We are praying that her insurance will approver her for a second stay. That may be a challenge since she already was in for 6 months. Recent behaviors qualify her for admission, but insurance is a whole beast unto itself.

I have spent the last few evenings really digging through her records, trying to find out what happened in late October or Early November that triggers her so much. I could see where she was moved from different foster homes during that time due to behaviors, so I know something happened that is triggering her. We need to find out what that is so she can process it. She understands this. She has put together the same things separately and said the same thing today.

Despite everything we still love her. Despite everything we have more compassion for her. And despite everything WE ARE STILL HERE and STILL HER PARENTS! That will not change. She may not be able to live with us for some time, while we get her treatment, but our goal is to get our daughter back home someday, if she can begin to heal and can be safe.

I have had some say that they feel I air our dirty laundry on this blog. I do not want anyone's pity for our journey. I do not do this for anyone's admiration. My husband and I are flawed individuals too. We are doing the best we can and we are failing. But we are trying. I write mostly for other parents out there, fighting the same battles to know, you are not alone! We are going through this and we are surviving! Our relationship with each other is actually strengthening. My faith in God and his power to heal my daughter has become unwavering. We are better people for adopting our Sweetie.
For that I can be grateful.

My friend Kim put this song on my Facebook page this week before the big blow up. It is a good description of how I imagine her subconscious is feeling. I pray that she can find an outlet to be able to come to terms with the trauma so she does not have to be the warrior anymore and she can allow herself to be loved and love in return.

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