Friday, November 08, 2013

This is Not Your Legacy

"No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you"
I refuse to give up on Sweetie. She can kick, shove and punch to push me away, but I will not leave. And that rocks her to the core. Her brain can not even begin to comprehend why. How can we love her when she was made to feel for so long that no one could? Oh how I wish she could just see that she really is loved and safe. How I pray for her to begin to trust that we will not hurt her. I want more than anything to see that she does not have to be where she came from. It is her choice where she goes. She has us, she has many tools to help her heal and she ultimately has God's love to help her heal.
This past week has been a roller coaster with trying to get her the help she needs. She has been in the behavioral health hospital for 10 days. And as of yesterday afternoon the hospital wanted to discharge her, but the psychiatric residential facility did not have a bed or the proper paperwork to even accept her as a patient. I started this process on October 28th and there were multiple beds available. At 1:00 yesterday afternoon I was informed that she would not be able to get into the PRTF until the last week of November and that she would be getting discharged. We could not locate a therapeutic foster home willing to take her with her violence and false accusations. Just the day before the hospital psychiatrist and psychologist sat down in a meeting and told us she was not safe to be in the community or even have us transport her to the PRTF and then we were faced with a real possibility of having to bring her back home until she could get into the facility in 3 weeks. I spent hours calling, emailing and texting anybody and everybody I could think of. It finally came to a head and I told the hospital& our therapist that I refuse to pick her up. I was informed if I did not that DSS would be called and we could have charges pressed against us and a DSS investigation would be open. My response was that I would rather have charges pressed against me than be dead. And within 3 hours all paperwork was sent to the facility that was needed. I immediately got on the phone again at 8 am. But 10:00 she was accepted into the program. I made a call into her representative with her insurance and he advocated on our behalf. By 2:00 her insurance who had 72 business hours to make the decision approved her. By 4:00the hospital agreed to keep her until Monday and arranged transport to the PRTF on Monday. Everything is in place for Sweetie to be admitted at 1:00 on Monday.
This program is completely different from her last. And I am grateful for this. The last program reinforced some really bad defense mechanisms. They taught her she didn't have to talk about her feelings, that she could just walk away anytime she got upset. Yes, if you are truly going to have a blow up you should walk away. But Sweetie lives stuck in an angry state. She does not know how to feel any other way. Being happy is scary and vulnerable. They are a lot more restrictive and structured. The program is structured for teens with severe trauma and sexual abuse histories. I feel really good about the program. I am praying this is where she can begin to really dig into confronting the demons that haunt her. Facing them is the only way she can move past them. She is really at a pivotal point in her journey. Her healing is in her own hands. I ask God to speak into her heart and let her understand the love that she has in us and him. I ask that she can see what a wonderful soul she has. She can have a life full of acceptance and unconditional love. She need only want that for herself.
This will be a long journey. But I know with all of my being that she can heal. She deserves to know true love. She deserves to have peace and she deserves to be happy.

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