Tuesday, September 03, 2013

The Road Less Traveled

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Taking the road less travelled is windy and bumpy.
So when you get to a clearing you can appreciate the beauty that is in front of you.
Life with our Sweetie has definitely been a road less travelled. There have been great moments of sadness and hurt on this path. But the road has also brought me to such beautiful places with my dear girl. Sweetie's first week home was rough. She is really testing us right now. Trying to figure out the new structure in our home. She is looking for the smallest crack so that she can reinforce the belief that we will fail her. I will be honest and say that it is hard to be rejected most of the time, when you pour everything into one person. But then there are glorious beautiful moments like when I picked Sweetie up from school Friday. I should back up a bit...Thursday evening was really rough. It was one of those nights where she had a blow up that lasted a long time and included cussing us out and throwing things. The last thing she screamed at me was she hated me and that I will burn in hell. She would not come out of her room after that. The next morning she woke up as if nothing happened the night before. But I couldn't pretend it was all ok. I still gave her affection, even though I REALLY didn't want to! That afternoon I picked her up from school and I was just quiet. She asked me if I was mad at her. I told her no but I was sad that  she hated me and thought that I should burn in hell.
She started to whine that it is all because of you and at that moment I  snapped back that it has nothing to do with me. She started crying and said "no, I am crying because I hurt you". This was the first time that I saw genuine empathy towards me in my girl. I told her I forgave her for the harsh words and that I still love her. That I will always love her. In good moments and bad she will always be my daughter. She has been doing well since that happened. It is still difficult having to get through normal house routine with her, but it is a glimpse of hope for my girl. If she can have genuine empathy for me than that can develop into empathy for all mankind. This was a huge moment in our time together. Maybe the most important moment to date. I am proud of her for how far she is pushing herself. I know it is difficult to control the anger inside. Anger is easy and soothing to a soul that has always been surrounded with turmoil. Peace feels unsettling. She so wants to be loving and be happy. It is just so hard to be those things when you feel so awful about yourself and your past.
I know there will be many more blow ups to come, but I know in my heart that Sweetie is beginning to believe that we love her and care for her well being. And I know she is doing the best that she can right now with the tools that she has. Another positive is she has willingly been going to Jr. High small group at church. I know it is mostly because she likes a boy there, but she is excited to go each week. It makes me happy to have her there. I love my Jr. High kids and I am so happy to be able to share that with Sweetie.

We are on week 2  of Intensive In Home therapy. So far they are still working on building a relationship with her before they start pushing her a bit harder. It is difficult to have people in our house so much,3 times this week, 4 times next week... and it will be rotating like that for 6 months. It sure does make me tired.

I have taken the road less travelled for sure and it has made all the difference, for her and for me.

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