Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Save You

Almost a year ago Sweetie had her first rage with me, the following 7 months were probably the hardest of my life. I can't believe it has been 6 months since Sweetie went into PRTF.  What a crazy 6 months this has been. In less than 15 hours Sweetie will be returning home. I am excited and frankly, I am scared to death. Sweetie has learned so good skills to help her control her anger, but she has also learned some new behaviors that are difficult, like saying " I don't have to do that, you can't make me". Boy is that a trigger for me... I immediately think "What do you mean, I can't make you??? ". This will probably always be difficult for me to deal with. Both of us have the subconscious need to control things and have the last word. There is so much of my personality in my daughter. No wonder we clash so much. I have no doubt that if we had a biological child she would be just as headstrong, determined and stubborn.
Yes, the last 7 months has be so terribly trying, but I would not trade it for anything. Of course, I have moments when I asked myself "how did I allow myself to get in this mess", but there are many moments when I feel so much pride for how far my girl has come. I have had moments of doubt and regret. I have felt as if I have turned my back on my daughter when I admitted her to residential treatment. I felt like I abandoned her again. I know that it is what she needed, but there is still a huge quilt that I have carried. I pray that she sees we never left her, we were here the whole time. We have not given up on her. I want her to see how truly special she is and for her to know that she deserves to be loved. She deserves our love. I wish I could fix everything for her. I wish I could save her. But I alone can not. I do not know what we have lying ahead of us. I can hope for times of great growth for our girl and for us. I know we will have set backs and we will work through them.
For now life will be full of therapy and structure. 4 days of therapy a week, 3 are in home working with her on behaviors, Saturdays will be our trauma work days with Ms. Dana. I am excited to start working with Ms. Dana again. I have worked with many mental health workers in the last year and she is the only one who really understand Reactive Attachment Disorder. Our time working with her was the only time Sweetie was addressing any of her trauma history, which she so desperately needs to do in order to really begin to heal. I am excited that the Intensive In Home Therapy team is going to follow Dana's recommendations. I couldn't ask for anything better when it comes to treatment for Sweetie. Between the therapeutic team, her amazing school (that saved her spot for her to come back this year.)and Ms. Carmen (Sweetie's after school caretaker) we have our resources lined up. I really believe this is Sweetie's best chance at healing.

As always I am blown away at how blessed I am with amazing friendships during my journey with Sweetie. Friends who have been so supportive and so understanding. Friends who don't judge my Sweetie's behavior. There are not enough words to express my gratitude to everyone who has supported us and have prayed for our family. Without the support of each and every one of you  I could not be the mom I need to be for Sweetie. I have so much love for you all!

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