All of Me

I received the call Thursday afternoon that Sweetie would be getting admitted to PRTF the next day. My friend Megan put it the best that it seemed so far away, yet now it seems too soon. For the last month every time there was a blow up or she was being defiant I would think just another week. But then when I got the call it was like someone hit me with a board. Less than 24 hours and I had to bring her in. Are you ever ready to let your child go? I sit here tonight completely broken, worn down and heart broken. I know we can not go on the way we have been, just barely surviving for the last 7 months. My sweet child's heart is so protected that she has only allowed herself to cry for less than a minute about leaving. Other than that, there has been absolutely no emotion about leaving . I ask her if she is scared, she states she is not. I believe her, with all this little solider has faced in her short lifetime moving again is nothing to her. I worry so much for my daughter. I hope that we are not too late to intervene positively in her life.When I brought her in for admission she was her normal chatty self with the room of complete strangers. The average child would be scared to death to sit at a table with psychiatrist, therapist, nurses, counselors and social workers. But not my kiddo, she tried to command attention. She was asking a million nonsense questions and yelling out in excitement over things she would notice in the room. After the couple hours of paperwork, it was time to unpack her things in her room. The room is large with a twin bed and a desk in it. The girls clothing and toiletries are kept in another room. Here is a picture of her bed, with her own bedding and some of her belongings. She also has her own bathroom. Over all it is comfortable surroundings. They have a tv and wii in the common area. They are allowed to have stereos in their rooms for music and posters for their walls.

They keep the kids busy most of the time and things are very regimented. In the home each child is assigned a mentor who works with her. Each mentor only has 2 children. They are required to do their own laundry and do chores daily. For now she is holding herself together and controlling her anger. She says she has been agitated but does not know them yet so she is keeping it together. I guess that is part of the thing that is hardest to accept as a parent of a RAD kid, they will behave better for any stranger than they ever will for the parents. I know some people say that is true of all kids. But our kids take it to a whole new level. 

Sweetie is withdrawn during our 15 minute phone calls each day. Each time, she is doing something else like watching a movie. Conversation is very superficial. She only wants to talk about what I can bring her or what we will be doing when she comes to visit "my house". She refers to our house as being mine, not hers. Tonight she did not ask about my husband at all. She was more agitated and was trying to argue about what we are getting her for her birthday. She wants a guitar. When we asked about the guitar to the therapist she did not think it was a good idea. I told Sweetie that I thought it would be best to hold off on that, but she wants what she wants. When I said I didn't think we would be getting that until after she got home, she got upset and said she had to go. I wonder when it will be when she refuses to talk to me all together. I know that is coming. Eventually she will become angry at me for admitting her. Even knowing that this will happen, it will still be difficult. 

As for me, I am kind of feeling lost. For over 2 years I have been on this adoption journey. You kind of end up on a constant adrenaline high from all the twist and turns of the adoption process and then the transitioning to being a family. Friday everything came to a crashing halt. Everything is now completely out of my hands. Strangers are taking care of my daughter. Strangers are making all decisions for her. Strangers will be the ones comforting her when she starts to face her demons. Strangers will be the ones bonding with her. I have to remind myself that to Sweetie we are also strangers. So this is nothing new for her. They are just new caretakers. I am committed to doing what ever I need to do to help Sweetie's heart heal. I have a peace that this is the right path for her. I am currently reading a book called "Detached Surviving Reactive Attachment Disorder" by Jessie Hogsett. It is written from a grown up RAD kid about his journey. I am to the part where he is entering a PRTF at the age of 12. The beauty of this story is, I have the pleasure of being part of a group with the author of this book. I know that his story is full of hope. I know that he is capable of love and has a beautiful family of his own. I know that he now pours his heart into supporting families of children with RAD. 
He is my constant reminder that there is hope for healing. 

I am amazed at the favor that God has for Sweetie. There have been so many opportunities that have been available to Sweetie that should not have happened. The program she was accepted to works with girls until they turn 13. Normally they would not have even accepted her, but they made an exception to rules for her. The same thing had happened with her school this past year. During times of trouble it is so easy to turn away from God. I can understand that people would question "why would God allow this to happen?".
But I do not question it. God did not do this, he allows free will and man did this. God has provided a path to healing and that healing starts with me. And I am prepared to give all of me to help her heal. 

This is one of my favorite songs.