Thursday, March 07, 2013

I Want You Here

  The last 12 days have pretty much been a blur. I have been trying to stay busy, so that I can't sit long enough to really process that Sweetie is not here right now. Having my birthday without her here really made it so real for me. Then Cris left for Ecuador for 12 days. Leaving me home alone, which is the last thing I want to be. I don't really know what I was expecting it to be like when Sweetie wasn't home anymore. But,I do miss her so much. I still know that she is right were she needs to be. Knowing that does not make me feel any better. She is starting to come out of her "honeymoon" phase already at PRTF. She is starting to be very rejecting toward me. I visit about 3 times a week. This week she has started her control things again. Yesterday I went for a long visit. For over 2 hours she refused to interact with me. I tried to get her to go for a walk with me, she jumped on her bike and rode 200 feet in front of me, not looking back. I did this for a while and then turned around and started walking back alone. Eventually she looked back and I was far away from her so she caught up and wanted to go back to her cottage. From there I tried to get her to do different activities with me and she refused. She wanted to watch a movie so I agreed. She would not sit near me and she piled up pillows between us on the couch. If I tried to touch her she would quickly move away. Her therapist came in just to ask basic questions and she refused to answer her and kept saying to ask me. They were questions about what she felt were her favorite things about herself, her strengths, what she likes to do, what she would like to accomplish during her time there. The therapist also told Sweetie that she had to spend quality time with me when I am there. She said she didn't have to. Eventually I left because she was having a hard time staying regulated. When I left she went back to being sweet. Within 10 minutes of leaving she called me to apologize. Then today on the phone she was back to refusing to talk and then she hung up on me. She called an hour later and asked if I was mad at her, I said I was not mad, just hurt. I asked if she had anything else she wanted to talk about and she asked what I wanted to talk about, I told her I didn't really feel like talking after being hung up on. She just said goodbye and hung up again. The therapist had told me she is starting to show her attitude and is having a harder time keeping herself together. I am sure that it will not be long before she has one of her major tantrums. I know in my head that she will get worse before she can begin to work on healing, It is one thing to know it will happen and another to actually experience it. With my husband being in Ecuador I have been home alone a lot. I am trying to stay busy. I have made meals for people, painted the bathroom, painted the hall, read books; but I can't get away from this sad feeling. I have always been such a strong person. I never really thought much about it. As my mom recently said "through all those life experiences you pulled yourself up by your boot straps and kept on going". This year has by far been the most challenging of my life. Losing Leah was probably the single toughest event of my life. I know that legally she never became mine, but in my heart she was my daughter. I can truly understand how girls years ago felt when they were forced to give up their children for adoption. To know your child is out there being raised by someone else. Always wondering where she is, if she is safe, if she is being taken care of. There is not a single day that passes that I do not think about her. And now with Sweetie not living at home I feel as if I have lost both of my girls.I have gotten so good at just keep going on. Then again there really isn't an alternative. I continue to believe there is a reason for all of this and that there is hope. There just has to be. I just downloaded the latest Plumb CD and this song really captures how I have been feeling lately.


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