Sunday, September 16, 2012

Not more than we can handle, just we need help

I am angry! I am angry at the system for failing her. For so called therapeutic foster care homes that just compounded her problems. I am angry at a therapist who taught her that she didn't have to talk if she didn't want to.
For foster parents who ignored her pain and her dental/ medical needs.
I was angry at her bio family for hurting her in ways that are unimaginable.

I do not want pity for what I am to share. I do not need pity. We chose this road. We were aware of Sweetie's issues before she came to live with us. We did not know the severity, but we did know the potential of her becoming unstable. This is why we prepared. I can not stress how much this has helped. This and prayer have helped me to be able to calmly handle the events of this week.

Over the last few weeks, Sweetie has become more and more agitated with me. Like constantly verbally abusive towards me. But the more abusive she becomes the calmer I become. I know she is trying to push me away with all her might. I am getting through! Does it hurt when she is cussing me out,telling me I am the worst mother in the world and she would rather be back living with her bio family being raped? Absolutely! Does it hurt when she throws things at me or destroys my stuff? Yes! But what hurts more is knowing that my daughter deep down in her core does not feel worthy of my love. That she feels so awful when I do nice things for her that she has to sabotage them. That she is always afraid that she will not have food to eat, even though she has a box of food stocked in her room at all times. It hurts that she is waiting for me to fail her like everyone else.

Cris has been in Ecuador for his annual trip. I just knew that him being gone would not be good. Sweetie has experienced so much change in the last 8 weeks. She moved here, she started 6th grade and then Cris left. In addition we found out that Sweetie's 14 year old sister who has been living on the streets of Florida was arrested and 5 months pregnant. Her sister wanted to talk to Sweetie and Sweetie wants to talk to her. The social workers thought it would be good for me to tell her because her sister would tell her and she has glamorized poor behavior in the past to Sweetie(like gang and drug actively).
All of this was simply too much for her to handle. So Thursday we went to therapy like we always do. When we got there she seemed to be in a fairly ok place. So Ms. D (our attachment therapist) took me in like she always does first for 20 mins) Sweetie hates this. That 20 minutes was enough to put her into a rage that lasted until 2 in the morning and than started up again at 5 in the morning. She then ran away. She had never before, but with her sister's history that scared me.
I found her about 1/2 mile down the road from my house carrying her fuzzy blanket, fuzzy pillow, book bag and eating a pop tart while walking in the dark. I had to resort to threatening to call the police to get her in the car. It was hard but I made the decision to bring her to the hospital Friday am. We are still here and she will be admitted to an inpatient facility for 1-2 weeks to start. While in here they took her off her ADHD meds and she has been significantly better. I have been feeling that her anger is much more intense when she takes her medication.
It will be tough tomorrow to transport her to the inpatient facility. They have a police officer take her. She is going to freak out. But she needs this. My hope is they can help her get on whatever medication she needs.

So here is my plug again to educate yourself!!! If you are adopting... Even a baby.. Educate yourself on attachment issues! It makes all the difference. You can get free resources from the Utah Adoption Exchange Lensing Library.
They have an amazing selection of books, CDs and DVD's.
Check out Christine Moer's videos on You tube. Sign up for some of Heather Forbes webinars. These will help you.
There are thousands of children out there just like Sweetie who deserve a chance. But we need to be prepared to help them heal or we are just part of their problem.

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