Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Mom Jeans

2 days and I am a mom! I can't believe it is finally here. 18 months, 15,000 views on my blog and more paperwork than I ever imagined we are finally here! So, I have one I now I have to start wearing mom jeans? haha
Seriously though, I have been a nervous wreck...I hate to open my email or look at my phone for fear that I might get a call or email that says "oops...we made a mistake, it's not going to happen". 

What an amazingly insane journey. As many times as I wish that things would move quicker, I know in all my heart that things happened as they should. If one thing happened sooner we would not be here with Sweetie.

I know the next few weeks...more likely months will be complete chaos as we try to adjust to having a tween in the house. I have never been so scared in my life as I am now... seriously, I have run into burning buildings and jumped into cars that have been wrecked while they extricated patients... and that all seems easy compared to what we are facing. We are going to have to become "therapeutic parents". Which is what I have been educating myself on for the last 18 months.
Sweetie has some special needs and will need a special form of parenting. Here is one of my favorite videos to show the style of parenting I am going to be using. I have been using it with her and it has worked :)
This is something I would like those of you who will be an active part of our lives to watch, in hopes that you may understand why I do something that may seem weird with Sweetie. Due to the trauma that Sweetie experienced during the first 12 years of her life she has developed what they call Reactive Attachment Disorder.
Here are some facts about children with RAD
  • RAD children, those having attachment problems, simply do not trust you to keep them feeling safe. Even though you give them a safe place in which to live, they still expect something “bad” to happen to them like it did when they were younger. Or,unconsciously, they don't really believe you're going to keep them and not send them away.
  • A parent’s angry voice reminds them of earlier times when an angry voice sometimes meant they would be physically hurt, and/or neglected.
  • When children having attachment problems become upset, they lose their ability to think rationally because they unconsciously and immediately regress emotionally to a younger age somewhere between the ages of one to three. They're not able to understand anything you say because they're not feeling safe. Have you ever tried to reason with a two year old who’s upset and/or angry?
  • Because of earlier life experiences, many of these children decided they could only count on themselves for survival. They became their own inner parent. If this is so, why should they count on you?
  • Because they need to feel they’re in control in order to feel safe, they play lots of unconscious mind games with unsuspecting parents so they can feel bigger and stronger. These games can be very subtle to the untrained eyes and ears.
  • They have an over all unconscious belief about themselves that says they are not worth loving and they are not important. They therefore unknowingly, create situations which can be extremely annoying and frustrating to parents, thus proving this belief about themselves is true.
  • When they’re sent to their rooms for a time-out, it can often be a relief. Or, they become angry at you for abandoning them instead of looking at what they did to be sent to their room in the first place. Hence, they don’t learn anything from the experience and will repeat the negative behavior again and again and again…. 

I am hoping knowing these things may give you some insight into the difficulties that Sweetie will be battling with...most of it on a subconscious level. Unfortunately her trauma is still going on. Yes, she now has a "Forever Family", and we are ecstatic that she will finally be here with us. But my heart hurts for her that she will be suffering another loss this Saturday. She will have to say good bye to yet another family and move 8 hours away from everything she knows to live with a family that she has only spent 13 days with. No matter how many times we tell her we are her family, time is the only thing that will prove it to her. And sadly she may never truly believe that we won't abandon her.

This brings me to another topic that is touchy for her. She doesn't want anyone to know she is adopted.
Now, you and I know that people are going to notice that we all of a sudden have a 12 year old. But I would ask that those of you who know us respect her wishes and not bring up the fact that she is being adopted. No comments about how lucky she is that we picked her or anything like that. For so many years she has been the "Foster Kid" which comes with a lot of prejudice. She just wants to be a normal kid and doesn't want to be different anymore.

I appreciate you respecting her wishes and I am so grateful for all the support you all have shown us over that last year and a half. Love to you all!


  1. OMG! That woman is FABULOUS! I so want to go watch all her videos! Thanks for sharing that!

  2. If you rise each morning resolving to be an ideal parent but break your best intentions by noon, forced to acknowledge your humanness and humbly press on—then you have truly become a parent. Pray, hope and then try not to worry. Anxiety doesn't help at all but the love, support and understanding of those around you who "get it" makes a huge difference and I'm so proud of you for your very honest blog entry!