Grace

The last month has flown by. Filled with high highs and low lows. Pretty much like the rest of the last 2 years. It started with a beautiful 2 page letter telling me how Sweetie appreciated how I have stuck with her through all of the hard times and how she really did love me. It was the most touching thing I have ever received. And I believe it was genuine. It was a huge step for us. Then in typical RAD style she flipped the complete opposite way. She started having tantrums again and started with more frequent inappropriate behaviors. We go back to court tomorrow to see if we get her stay at the PRTF extended another 30 days. A month ago, I thought she was able to come home, but now I am more hesitant. The PRTF is strongly recommending a group home or therapeutic foster care again. And again I am very uneasy about either choice. Either way she will decompensate and will feel completely abandoned by us. We have been able to get her enrolled in a Day Treatment Program or when she is discharged. It is a great program and they run year round, they pick her up in the morning and drop her off in the afternoon. It also gives her the opportunity to catch up on her education.
With her recent decompensating behaviors I am really pushing just to keep her in the PRTF until we can transition her home. Sweetie's  therapist agrees. Unfortunately, Sweetie knows how to do exactly what is needed to get through her program. And she does well as long as things are going her way. But the minute they are not, she loses it. She has began threatening to blow if she doesn't get her way.
As hard as that will be we need to not let her get away with that. It is not that we are afraid of her tantrums, we just get to tired to deal with them at times. Being Sweetie's mom is exhausting.
An average Saturday goes like this... Sweetie gets up before 730  and starts slamming doors to make sure we are awake. There is usually some kind of yelling or arguing by 8:00. By 8:30 or 9:00 she is begging for forgiveness. I make breakfast, which she complains about what ever I make. Then the nonstop nonsense chatter starts and goes for hours. When I try to either shower or go to the bathroom she calls out for me repeatedly and with more urgency until I finally respond ( usually without a shower or getting to go to the bathroom). Then she jumps into my bathroom  ( that she is not allowed to use) and starts another argument. As soon as she is done she begins to tell us what we are doing for the day. If we don't go along with her plan we get another tantrum or argument. Arguments are one sided. She makes nasty comments, yells and storms off. We just bit our tongues, trying not to engage.
If we are lucky she takes a nap. But as soon as she wakes up the routine starts again. She refuses to do anything by herself and also refuses to participate in any activity we plan unless it involves spending money. Games, crafts, drawing, video games, going outside, boxing, walking, hanging out with friends. She rejects everything. Dinner time is more complaining and that is usually when she starts being nasty to Cris. If she pushes hard enough she knows he will isolate himself in his man cave and she can have me all to herself. Usually once he is not around us she is pretty happy. Until it is bed time and then she goes back to the calling me over and over again. Like a young child that doesn't want to go to bed. She goes to the bathroom multiple time, gets water, needs 100 different things. I know many young children do the same thing. The hard thing is this is happening at 10:00 at night and continues until about 11:00. And I still have to clean the kitchen, do laundry and what ever else needs to be done. Do this a few days in a row and you get beaten down and you just start to give in to her just to get a few moments of peace. In addition, it really is nice to see her appear to be happy for a few moments. Even though it is a superficial happiness, it still feels good to witness her happy.
She has suffered so much in her life, I just want to make her feel better. But when we do make her feel better we are the ones to pay because she doesn't feel she deserves good things. It is so hard to see how unworthy she feels. To be honest it is something I personally battle with myself. I find that I feel bad when good things do happen for me. My life has always been a challenge and when things are going well I feel I don't deserve it. I look forward to the day that Sweetie can freely accept that she deserves good things. I also want that for myself and that is something I will continue to work on in myself.
So for now, I continue to pray and continue to hope for Sweetie's complete healing. I pray for her to feel safe enough that she can realize that she doesn't have to play these games in order to control everything. I am also praying that I can show more grace to Sweetie and more to myself. I pray that Sweetie will feel God's grace for her.