Sunday, June 09, 2013

When It Pleases You

                                                               You love me when it pleases you
You want me when it's easy to do 

You hold me when you don't want anybody else to
You love me when it pleases you

We had a good visit with Sweetie the other day. It was the first one in many weeks. It was only for a couple hours, but I will take it as a small victory. I am grateful for the time with her that was not loaded with anger. This was short lived. As soon as we did not give her what she wanted she started to dysregulate. I know it comes from her deep seeded fear of rejection. Sweetie has never been with one family longer than a year and we have been her family now for over a year. She is waiting for the rejection, she is waiting for us to give up on her. She is pushing her hardest to make us leave her to prove that what she knows to be true, that we will not be there for her. So, again we are being pushed out and she will not talk to us. 

It makes me think that we do the same thing to God. When we don't get what we want we feel that God has turned his back on us, given up on us or is not there at all. We refuse to listen for him and then expect his favor when we have been pushing him away with all our might. Like dysregulated children we tantrum because life is not going how we feel it should. We look to God when we want something from him. But we are not always willing to listen to his direction for our life. 

There is such a correlation between a parent and child with attachment disorder and  man's relationship with God. I had never viewed it this way until I was driving home today playing this song. When I first heard it I could feel myself singing it about Sweetie, but as the song went on I felt the song was about me. I think it is how many of us have relationships with one another. Until I took the leap and adopted Sweetie, I had taken the easy route with relationships. If things were hard I could just walk away. I hadn't really invested much anyways, so it was easy to do. But now, I have invested in people and they have invested in me. Not just the fun Jen, but the broken one. The one who does not have anything in life together anymore. I have invested in the life of this child who may never be capable of loving me back. This is scary. This leaves me vulnerable and open to rejection.
 I had the opportunity to meet with another adoptive mom this week for a couple hours of peace before my visit with Sweetie Wednesday. It is so nice to have a community of people who get it, who you can say, yeah this sucks and they truly understand and can say yeah it does. During our conversation she was talking about how when she was first adopting her son that she thought everyone should do this and now she knows that this is a calling. 

Every adoptive parent has their unique challenges. But all of us live with that same vulnerability. We all have that fear that our child will reject us. Even if we were capable of doing everything 100% right, we could be and most likely will be rejected by our children. I have to think how heartbreaking that must be to God, with so many of his children rejecting him, refusing to talk to him or see him... just like my Sweetie rejects me.

On the baby front, Dad's rights will be terminated soon and Mom is still on the run. It has been about a month since she took off, abandoning him. If she stays on the run for over 60 days the state can start the termination process. I am still not sure what will happen with this situation and I am not sure how I feel about the situation. I am leaving it in God's hands.

1 comment:

  1. Such a beautiful post, spoken from the heart. Faith will see you through my friend.