When I last wrote I was so torn about what was the best way to have Sweetie's needs met. I was feeling a huge amount of guilt over even considering placing Sweetie into a residential program. I prayed about it and placed it in God's hands. That same day that I released myself from having to decide, Sweetie made it easy to see what I needed to do to help her. The amazing amount of pain and fear that she feels constantly has become completely overwhelming for her and she can no longer contain it. This past week Sweetie had her largest and worst rage fit to date. It involved throwing tools at me, smashing our large steam cleaner, throwing glasses at Cris and kicking through her bedroom door. This was the first time she escalated this much with someone other than my husband or myself there. This time she did it in front of one of my best friends, who has been watching her. It scared her to death. It took hours to get Sweetie to settle down from this tantrum. We had started the process of admitting her to a PRTF (Psychiatric Residential Treatment Facility) back when she placed Darling over the fence and the neighbors dog mauled Darlings paw. All of the evaluations came back that they recommend residential. The program who evaluated will not accept her into their program because off her needs. The recommended me to one that specializes in Reactive Attachment Disorder. This was not the first time I received this recommendation. The Psychiatric Hospital recommended it in September and our Attachment Therapist has been discussing it since before Sweetie ever came to live with us from her history. We wanted to give her the opportunity to try to work on her issues at home with us. However her awesome defense mechanisms won't allow her to. She is getting sicker and sicker and taking is down with her. If she was a child with Cancer there would be no question of what to do. I would have her in the hospital being treated with chemo and radiation today. Although I know how sick she would be from the treatment, I would do it and I would be at the hospital every day to be with her. Just because we have decided to have Sweetie admitted to a PRTF does not mean that we are washing our hands of her or giving up on her. I will be going to be with her every chance they allow. The programs that I have narrowed down are both Attachment focused programs. This will require us being extremely involved. We will be going through family therapies with her. The programs are designed to help Sweetie attach to us, our participation is crucial. So, my life has become much more complicated. It will consist of getting off work and driving to the other safe of town daily to work with Sweetie on healing.our lives will revolve around her treatment. It will all be worth it if she can find healing. This is the best chance she has at getting to a place that we can begin to work on truly healing her heart.My hopes are that she will be able to see that we are still here to love her and to help her heal. I pray that she can learn to lower her wall in her heart and mind, allowing me to come in and help her face the pain and trauma that she has not been able to access. I hope she can come to a place where she can accept that bad stuff happened and know that it does not define her. That she is still a beautiful soul and she is so very loved. This will be one of the most unselfish things I have ever done. I feel as if I will miss out on so much while she is there. But it will all be worth it if she can find herself under all that anger and fear. I believe this is what we need to do. I have 2 programs I have been looking at. One is here in Charlotte and one is 2 hours away. I am trusting God to help direct us to the right one. It will take a few weeks to get through the admissions process.So for now I am just holding on.
There is nothing harder that a mother will ever have to do than let go of her little one and trust God to heal what we cannot. We may never understand why we, as mothers, weren't enough but if the healing so desperately needed is the result, then that in and of itself will be enough.
In our weakness, He is strong. When we cannot, He can and He will.
As much as it hurts; as much as it tears our hearts out and rips them to shreds, we have hope in Him who gives us strength, who gives us hope when we are hopeless and who heals the broken-hearted.
I'm here for you. You know I am, and you know I understand.
01/06/2011- Submitted Application to CHS 02/19/2011- First Meeting with Social Worker- filled out initial paperwork 03/26/2011- Finger Printing 04/01/2011- 05/014/2011- MAPP Training 04/09/2011- Assigned 2nd Social Worker 04/23/2011- Background Checks Cleared 04/26/2011- Home Visit 05/02/2011- Fire Inspection 05/03/2011- Had to get Manual Finger Prints because electronic ones I was advised to get done are only good for 30 days 05/08/2011- Our Profiles Turned in to Social Worker 05/23/2011- References Done 06/06/2011- Per Social Worker CHS is processing all our paperwork (can take up to 50 days for approval) 06/07/2011- Marriage Certificate and Divorce Decrees mailed to Greensboro 06/08/2011- Discipline Agreement Signed and Mailed in 06/16/2011- Photo Profiles mailed to Greensboro 06/24.2011- Mailed in Diplomas to Greensboro 07/08/2011- Home Visit from social worker- requesting I see therapist 07/19/2011- Start therapy 08/02/2011- Assigned 3rd Social Worker 08/09/2011- physicals/tb test 08/13/2011- met new Social Worker - another Home Visit for Foster Home Application 08/29/2011- psychological testing, couples therapy and released from therapy (therapist saying she can not find anything wrong) 09/16/2011- psychological reports mailed in. 10/05/2011- 12 Skills worksheet filled out and turned in 10/06/2011- Vet Records submitted 10/8/2011- received a call telling us they have children that they think we will be perfect parents for ( but 3 boys). 10/25/2011- another Home Visit. Signed our foster home application. Told our paperwork should be sent up to the committee in about a week. Gave her copies of reference letters that had previously been sent to old social worker 11/05/2011 Received an email that we need another Home Visit to finalize paperwork. 11/10/2011 Home Study sent from our social worker to her supervisor for approval (it then comes to us for approval then the review committee) 11/20/2011 Contact with family about adopting Baby L :) . Email to Social Worker about expediting our foster license 11/22/2011 Second Fire Inspection (first one expired) 11/23/2011 told needed to replace marriage license and divorce decrees ( ordered from NY State and awaiting delivery) Mike sent me his original and I ordered a copy for him, and we had one last original of marriage certificate. 12/06/2011- Should receive final divorce decree today. 12/23/2012- CHS Approved Home Studdy (PPA) 02/24/2012- Inquiry sent to Children Awaiting Parents about Sweetie & her Sister in Florida 02/28/2012- Foster License Arrived 03/06/2012- Paperwork filled out Florida paperwork to proceed with matching 03/19/13- Match Staffing Scheduled and we were approved to be a match for Sweetie 04/08/2012- First Phone Call 05/11/2012- 05/13/2012- First Meeting In Florida 06/08/2012- 06/17/2012 Trip to Disney and First visit to NC for Sweetie 07/14/2012- Sweetie Moved In! 07/26/2012- Sweetie mailed in her consent to be adopted 09/14-09/26/2012- Sweetie hospitalized 10/06/2012- ADOPTION FINALIZED!! Sweetie is legally our daughter 12/24/2012- Sweetie’s Birth Certificate with us listed as parents arrived 02/22/2013- Sweetie admitted to PRTF 08/22/2013-Sweetie discharged from PRTF 10/30/2013- Sweetie Hospitalized 2nd time 11/11/2013- Sweetie admitted to different PRTF 05/30/2014- Sweetie discharged from 2nd PRTF & started Day Treatment 07/3/14 -07/18/14-Sweetie Hospitalized for 3rd time 07/18/14-08/10/2014 - Sweetie in temporary group home 08/10/2014-Sweetie admitted to 3rd PRTF 10/05/2014- Child #2 -Matched with birth mom- she is 4 months pregnant. 10/05/2014 fundraising started, lawyer and home study agencies secured. 10/22/2014- first fundraising goal of $2000 raised by doing envelope fundraiser and selling my watercolor paintings 10/22/2014- first meeting with adoption lawyer- retainer paid 10/24/14- Background checks completed 10/25/2014- physicals complete 11/07/2014- home study paperwork mailed to Triangle Adoption Services. (Home study paid 11/14/14 Homestudy paperwork sent in to agency 11/19/14 First call with Birth Mom :) 11/25/15- Social Worker interviewed Sweetie 12/03/14- First email communication with Birth Mom 12/06/14- Met Birth Mom and her family 12/11/2014- Home Study Visit 12/17/14- 2nd Home Study Visit & visit with baby's mom 12/31/14- Ultrasound to find out it is a BOY! Baby Spartacus! 01/21/15- Birth mom signs initial legal paperwork, legal father signs consent form for adoption 01/22/15- Home Study Approved 01/26/15- Cherokee Indian Tribe consented to adoption 03/09/15- Baby Spartacus is born 03/10/15- Bio mom relinquished rights 03/16/15- Bio father served to request relinquishment. 04/21/15- Bio father contest adoption 6/12/15- Spartacus meets his birth brother on mom's side. :) 06/17/15- Court hearing for necessity of birth father's consent. 07/03/15- Motion Granted that father's consent not required. 07/21/15- Home Study Agency sent Court Report in so adoption can be finalized. 08/04/15- Spartacus' adoption finalized!!!!! 08/21/15- Sweetie transitioned to IAFT 06/08/16- Sweetie transitioned to TFC- she changes her plan to reunification with birth family when 18 (1.5 years from now)09/30/16- Sweetie transferred to another placement due to behavioral issues. It is decided, there will be no reunification with our family. Her plan is to stay in TFC as long as possible and then transition into living. 04/19/2017- Sweetie transferred to another placement due to behavioral issues. Wrap Around Services Started 06/21/2017- Sweetie started with Youth Villages Life Set Program 08/14/2017- Youth Villages Life Set Program terminated due to Sweetie refusing to work the program 09/20/2017- Wrap Around Services Terminated due to Sweetie refusing to work the program. 03/17/2018 Sweetie turns 18.
There is nothing harder that a mother will ever have to do than let go of her little one and trust God to heal what we cannot. We may never understand why we, as mothers, weren't enough but if the healing so desperately needed is the result, then that in and of itself will be enough.
ReplyDeleteIn our weakness, He is strong. When we cannot, He can and He will.
As much as it hurts; as much as it tears our hearts out and rips them to shreds, we have hope in Him who gives us strength, who gives us hope when we are hopeless and who heals the broken-hearted.
I'm here for you. You know I am, and you know I understand.
Love and prayers,
Erica