Sunday, January 20, 2013

Holding On by Letting Go... Why We Choose PRTF for our Daughter.

When I last wrote I was so torn about what was the best way to have Sweetie's needs met. I was feeling a huge amount of guilt over even considering placing Sweetie into a residential program. I prayed about it and placed it in God's hands. That same day that I released myself from having to decide, Sweetie made it easy to see what I needed to do to help her. The amazing amount of pain and fear that she feels constantly has become completely overwhelming for her and she can no longer contain it. This past week Sweetie had her largest and worst rage fit to date. It involved throwing tools at me, smashing our large steam cleaner, throwing glasses at Cris and kicking through her bedroom door. This was the first time she escalated this much with someone other than my husband or myself there. This time she did it in front of one of my best friends, who has been watching her. It scared her to death. It took hours to get Sweetie to settle down from this tantrum. We had started the process of admitting her to a PRTF (Psychiatric Residential Treatment Facility) back when she placed Darling over the fence and the neighbors dog mauled Darlings paw. All of the evaluations came back that they recommend residential. The program who evaluated will not accept her into their program because off her needs. The recommended me to one that specializes in Reactive Attachment Disorder. This was not the first time I received this recommendation. The Psychiatric Hospital recommended it in September and our Attachment Therapist has been discussing it since before Sweetie ever came to live with us from her history. We wanted to give her the opportunity to try to work on her issues at home with us. However her awesome defense mechanisms won't allow her to. She is getting sicker and sicker and taking is down with her. If she was a child with Cancer there would be no question of what to do. I would have her in the hospital being treated with chemo and radiation today. Although I know how sick she would be from the treatment, I would do it and I would be at the hospital every day to be with her. Just because we have decided to have Sweetie admitted to a PRTF does not mean that we are washing our hands of her or giving up on her. I will be going to be with her every chance they allow. The programs that I have narrowed down are both Attachment focused programs. This will require us being extremely involved. We will be going through family therapies with her. The programs are designed to help Sweetie attach to us, our participation is crucial. So, my life has become much more complicated. It will consist of getting off work and driving to the other safe of town daily to work with Sweetie on healing.our lives will revolve around her treatment. It will all be worth it if she can find healing. This is the best chance she has at getting to a place that we can begin to work on truly healing her heart.My hopes are that she will be able to see that we are still here to love her and to help her heal. I pray that she can learn to lower her wall in her heart and mind, allowing me to come in and help her face the pain and trauma that she has not been able to access. I hope she can come to a place where she can accept that bad stuff happened and know that it does not define her. That she is still a beautiful soul and she is so very loved. This will be one of the most unselfish things I have ever done. I feel as if I will miss out on so much while she is there. But it will all be worth it if she can find herself under all that anger and fear. I believe this is what we need to do. I have 2 programs I have been looking at. One is here in Charlotte and one is 2 hours away. I am trusting God to help direct us to the right one. It will take a few weeks to get through the admissions process.So for now I am just holding on.

1 comment:

  1. There is nothing harder that a mother will ever have to do than let go of her little one and trust God to heal what we cannot. We may never understand why we, as mothers, weren't enough but if the healing so desperately needed is the result, then that in and of itself will be enough.

    In our weakness, He is strong. When we cannot, He can and He will.

    As much as it hurts; as much as it tears our hearts out and rips them to shreds, we have hope in Him who gives us strength, who gives us hope when we are hopeless and who heals the broken-hearted.

    I'm here for you. You know I am, and you know I understand.

    Love and prayers,