Sunday, May 19, 2013

Farther Along


 Farther along we'll know all about it
 Farther along we'll understand why
 So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine 
 We'll understand this, all by and by

Last year sometime my friend and wonderful neighbor Amy made a mixed cd for me. Yes, I have friends who make mixed cd's and so do I! I actually think it is one of the nicest gifts you can give someone. One puts a lot of time and thought into making a playlist. I didn't realize how hard it was until I started making them myself, for other people. I remember thinking " It's just music right?". But it is so much more. Music can  cheer someone up or help them grieve. It is amazing how through our journey with all of the twists and turns that there has been the perfect song there for everything. Let me get back to my original thought... the cd.  I believe the second song on the cd was Josh Garrel's version of Farther Along.  It soon became a favorite of mine. How I look forward to that time when I will understand why. There have been many times in my life and particularly in our  journey that I needed to concentrate on these words to get us through. The losses of my early childhood have prepared me to be Sweetie's mother. The friendships that I have lost have made room for truly incredible friendships with people who love me unconditionally. Everything I have done in my life has led me to right here. A new mom to a special teen daughter with the potential of being the mom to a baby as well. I am torn about the situation surrounding the potential adoptive placement of  a baby boy.
I hurt for Sweetie's young sister whohas delivered this baby and has no concept of love or on how to be in a family or be a mom. I hate that her soul is so wounded that she takes more comfort in living on the streets than living with a foster family. My heart grieves for her lost innocence and the loss of the loving  family that she never got to experience. I pray that God will heal her heart and help her find her way to safety. But I also want her baby to be safe. I want the cycle of abuse and neglect to be stopped. Sweetie's sister does not know anything but abuse and neglect. She has never had a role model to help her begin to understand unconditional love, so how could she know what it is or how to give the same kind of love. Love is just a word to my Sweetie. It is an empty word, something that she believes is expected to be said, so she says it.. The longer Sweetie is with us I can see she has no idea how to accept real love or how to love someone else.
I can't bear to think about the baby living in the same scenario that Sweetie and her sister  lived through.
We are at a hard place right now and I am unsure of what to do. It can take around 90 days to get our home study completed and approved. It is costly and will be a ton of work...again!
Sweetie is wishy washy about the potential of the baby coming to live with us. She worries that we will pay attention to the baby and ignore her. But she worries about him living with foster families. No matter what it will be difficult. I have been trying not to get too excited about this. I don't feel my heart can take another kick. I may be a strong woman, but everyone has their limits.
But I have to believe there is a reason for every thing that has happened in my life. The good, the bad and the ugly. So for now I have to just pray that God has me on the correct path.
It has amazed me how some paths have crossed with mine multiple times. Last year around this time I had inqured about 3 kids, 2 boys and a girl. All tween/teens. At that time they were already recently matched and were not available any more. Then today out of nowhere, one of the woman from our MAPP training class sent me a picture of her with the same 3 beautiful children.I was so excited  first because they are a great home for these kids. And secondly I am excited because I may have the opportunity to meet the kids! 
I am just grateful to be where we are at right now. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks ya'll!

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