Wednesday, April 10, 2013


You would think that the hardest parts of being the mom to a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder would be the major melt downs. But it is not. It is so much harder to deal with the constant rejection.She is completely rejecting me right now. No hugs when she sees me, phone calls are very brief and distracted.  It really does seem that the more love you pour into the child with reactive attachment disorder the more rocks they throw back at you. I know being a parent in general is a thankless job. I don't expect or want Sweetie to thank me for being her mom. In a perfect world I wouldn't have to be because her bio mom would have been a good mom. But this is not a perfect world and I am paying for her bio mom and all the "moms" that failed her over the last 9 years of her life. Why should she believe that I love her? What is love to her anyway? I imagine love means hurt and loss. How many people have said they loved her to just turn their backs. Maybe it is not "I love you" that I should be saying. My friends Megan and Matt have a little thing they say to each other instead of I love you... it is "YOU MATTER". Perhaps that is a better thing to say, because she does matter. Even though others have failed to see it, I see that she matters. I wonder how she would respond to that. I had my second lesson on Theraplay today. While this is usually a treatment used for younger children, we are experimenting with Sweetie, because she is emotionally still just a toddler. Since her basic needs as an infant and toddler were never met, she is stuck their emotionally. The hopes are that a few things will happen during these sessions that I will be facilitating at home. First is for her to be able to develop a feeling of safety and trust. Second is to learn to play and build self esteem. Third is to learn to identify with different emotions. Our sessions can look like may things. I created a box of all kinds of toys and art supplies. I have paint and craft supplies, dolls, bubbles, games, cotton balls, baby lotion... all kinds of things. Once a week for 30 minutes we have to do uninterrupted, completely engaged play time. That will be harder than it sounds. We need to block out all other distractions and she has to do it. AT first it will not be an issue. She will be excited to go through all her new stuff. But once she sees that it is the same stuff every week, she will begin to get bored with it and begin to reject that as well. I am hopeful that this may help. We have nothing to lose if it doesn't work, so I am going to try. I feel like all I do is try and I get shot down constantly. Every detail of  things I do or don't do is scrutinized. What I say or even don't say gets twisted into something that she can fight about. This will be a challenge during our play therapy times because I need to avoid power struggles at all cost during this 30 minutes. She is completely in control during this time, except if she is in danger or getting ready to cause harm to herself or others. It will be interesting to see how she transitions back to not being in charge.
We are going to try a day visit Saturday and take her to the zoo with my Aunt Sandy. I am hoping for a good day. One that we can build good memories on. For now, I will continue to take akk the rejection she can dish out. That is about the only way I can prove that I am here no matter what. For now I have to be as strong as titanium.


  1. Oh, Jenny, my heart breaks when I read your post. Love isn't easy, but this is all so hard. You are a wonderful mom and I believe that someday Sweetie will recipriocate. Life is long, parenthood isn't a short game :-) Hugs. Cat M

  2. Someday Sweetie will know that most women can be mothers, even if they don't want to be. But the day she realizes that some women choose to be 'Mom's' just because they truly, and unconditionally love someone they have never met, is the day she will look at you and know you were meant to be mother and daughter for all the right reasons; simply because you loved her before you ever met. Its the hardest job you'll ever love. Keep up the good work! Amy