Where Feet May Fail

 

 

 

 

This Friday Sweetie is being discharged from PRTF and will be coming home. There is part of me that is so happy and there is a bigger part that if I am truly honest with myself, is completely scared. I find myself facing the complete unknown. I have found myself over the last few days having some pretty big anxiety. I lay in bed when I first wake up and my nerves feel as if they are on fire, my heart races and for a moment I feel paralyzed. I take a few breathes and I force myself to face what is ahead of me. I feel awful that I feel like this. I hate that I can't let go of that feeling that she can flip a switch again at anytime. Oh how I love my daughter and how I want her home. She has grown in many ways. This weekend she had someone on Facebook ask her to delete messages and she immediately said she couldn't because I would be mad at her. She is starting to care what I think.

And then there is still so much pushing away going on too. This week she told her therapist (in front of me) that I let her watch porn. I was like really? Porn? Luckily the therapist knew she was lying. The scary part is Sweetie has been subjected to so much bad stuff that she can give enough detail about anything and it could be believed. When she came home this weekend she quickly noticed that we had removed all DVDs from our movie collection that were not rated G. when she asked about it, I nonchalantly said that I didn't want her to mistake a kissing scene in a movie for porn, so we took away anything that might be confusing and we are cancelling even our basic cable.  She immediately admitted that she was lying. I just replied that I know but it really concerned me that she could so easily throw major lies out there. I explained that having a child watch porn is a form of child abuse. Of course she didn't see the issue because she completely lacks cause and effect thinking. I can't help but wonder where the lies will take us. What will they be, who will she tell. Is this going to be her next form or torturing us to push us away?

We are blessed with a community of people who are supporting us. We have had many offers from friends to spend time with her to give us a break. I am so leery of this for two reasons.

First, I have no clue what will come out of her mouth. She told my friend's 14 year old daughter that I was taking her to go on the pill. She tells the same girl that I take her shopping every week. She has told people we abuse her. She lies just to lie. I know why she does it. She feels unworthy of others and she wants to be liked, so she makes up stories to seem cooler or to get sympathy.

Second when ever others give her positive attention we pay, dearly. Sweetie is so pretty and has this cutesy younger kids voice. You can't help but want to love her. But the more attention she gets from others, the more defiant and disrespectful she becomes to us. So, most of the time, it just isn't worth the few hours out. I am hoping to get to a point where I can just let her go to someone's house without me. I want her to be able to have some normal teen experiences. This is a kid who lost her childhood. And now she is losing her teen years. Sadly, she just can't handle these experiences. At 14 I was already working and I could be trusted to go to the mall with friends. My daughter can't even figure out how to plug her Ipod in or how to turn lights off.

So this is where I stand. On the edge of the unknown. I am being forced to trust that we are doing the right things and that she will heal. I have to have faith that she will be ok in life.



Coming Home



Like I have anticipated Sweetie's authorization is expiring at the 6 month mark. Sweetie is doing remarkably better, but she is not ready. She even says that. She is to a point where she wants to work on things, but doesn't know how to. This is where the problem is in the 6 month limitation on a PRTF stay. Just when she is feeling safe enough to do the work, they push her out. So, we are looking at Discharge possibly being May 12th when the authorization runs out. This would not be a good thing. Sweetie is scheduled on May 14th to get her tonsils out. I worry that she won't be able to take her medications because she can't swallow and that will cause her to completely dysregulate. The plan for surgery had been to have her come home for 2 days and then go back for the worst part of the healing. Which is days 3-5. During that time she will be in the most pain and that is also when the scabs form on the back of her throat. If they come off too soon (like they were picked off), she could develop uncontrollable bleeding that would require another surgery. The PRTF has 24 hour nursing and people who can watch her 24/7. I alone could not do this. In addition, I can not take 2 weeks out of work to stay home with her. So, I have asked if we can hold off until May 30th for discharge. That would give her chance to heal before coming home.

Once she is home, I will be cutting my hours at work so I can be home when ever she is. Our plan for when she does come home is to have her go to a Day Treatment Program through the summer, until school starts in the fall. In addition we will start therapy weekly with the therapist she has been working with since February. She is the first person that Sweetie has began to work on her trauma with. I like Mrs. Nicole, she is firm and also not easily manipulated. And most of all she works with us as a whole. We are fortunate that she has left the PRTF and is actually going to work for the same company that runs the Day Treatment program. In addition to that, we are going to go back to see Mrs. Dana, our family attachment therapist. She has cut down her hours significantly, however she is keeping us on as clients.  I am very encouraged by the team I am piecing together.

I meet with the  Exception Children's Director for Sweetie's school this Wednesday to discuss transitioning her back in the fall. We are going to have to redo her whole IEP, because things have changed greatly.

I will be honest that I am nervous about having her home. The recommendation has been to transition her to a group home or therapeutic foster care. Neither of these are options for us! The group home would introduce her to even more criminal behaviors from the peers there. And she would be able to manipulate and triangulate majorly in a foster home. If we placed her in either she would feel like we had given up on her and have sent her away. This would destroy the last 2 years worth of bonding.

This road has been tough, but she Has bonded to me. She Does know that I love her. That in itself is huge progress. This is a girl who started off feeling that she was not lovable and that she had to take care of herself. Over the last 2 years I have showed her time and time again that I am here. I am sure I will have to show her over and over again, probably for years before she knows with all her being that I will love her completely and unconditionally. That I will love her like God loves us all.

It was perfect to have her home for a long weekend this Easter weekend. Friday evening we went to the Tenebrae service at our church and then we went to Easter service this morning. Both services are always beautiful and moving. But this year it was especially powerful. My girl was with me to experience this. She was there protected in my hug as we listened to music and spoken word that ushered us through Jesus' last moments. She was there this morning to celebrate that he has risen. I was so glad she could be home with us to experience these services. I hope that they bring her great hope. God was able to take despair and turn it into the greatest source of hope imaginable. A hope that will help my daughter to heal completely. I believe that she can be healed and she is finally beginning to believe that herself.





Grace

The last month has flown by. Filled with high highs and low lows. Pretty much like the rest of the last 2 years. It started with a beautiful 2 page letter telling me how Sweetie appreciated how I have stuck with her through all of the hard times and how she really did love me. It was the most touching thing I have ever received. And I believe it was genuine. It was a huge step for us. Then in typical RAD style she flipped the complete opposite way. She started having tantrums again and started with more frequent inappropriate behaviors. We go back to court tomorrow to see if we get her stay at the PRTF extended another 30 days. A month ago, I thought she was able to come home, but now I am more hesitant. The PRTF is strongly recommending a group home or therapeutic foster care again. And again I am very uneasy about either choice. Either way she will decompensate and will feel completely abandoned by us. We have been able to get her enrolled in a Day Treatment Program or when she is discharged. It is a great program and they run year round, they pick her up in the morning and drop her off in the afternoon. It also gives her the opportunity to catch up on her education.
With her recent decompensating behaviors I am really pushing just to keep her in the PRTF until we can transition her home. Sweetie's  therapist agrees. Unfortunately, Sweetie knows how to do exactly what is needed to get through her program. And she does well as long as things are going her way. But the minute they are not, she loses it. She has began threatening to blow if she doesn't get her way.
As hard as that will be we need to not let her get away with that. It is not that we are afraid of her tantrums, we just get to tired to deal with them at times. Being Sweetie's mom is exhausting.
An average Saturday goes like this... Sweetie gets up before 730  and starts slamming doors to make sure we are awake. There is usually some kind of yelling or arguing by 8:00. By 8:30 or 9:00 she is begging for forgiveness. I make breakfast, which she complains about what ever I make. Then the nonstop nonsense chatter starts and goes for hours. When I try to either shower or go to the bathroom she calls out for me repeatedly and with more urgency until I finally respond ( usually without a shower or getting to go to the bathroom). Then she jumps into my bathroom  ( that she is not allowed to use) and starts another argument. As soon as she is done she begins to tell us what we are doing for the day. If we don't go along with her plan we get another tantrum or argument. Arguments are one sided. She makes nasty comments, yells and storms off. We just bit our tongues, trying not to engage.
If we are lucky she takes a nap. But as soon as she wakes up the routine starts again. She refuses to do anything by herself and also refuses to participate in any activity we plan unless it involves spending money. Games, crafts, drawing, video games, going outside, boxing, walking, hanging out with friends. She rejects everything. Dinner time is more complaining and that is usually when she starts being nasty to Cris. If she pushes hard enough she knows he will isolate himself in his man cave and she can have me all to herself. Usually once he is not around us she is pretty happy. Until it is bed time and then she goes back to the calling me over and over again. Like a young child that doesn't want to go to bed. She goes to the bathroom multiple time, gets water, needs 100 different things. I know many young children do the same thing. The hard thing is this is happening at 10:00 at night and continues until about 11:00. And I still have to clean the kitchen, do laundry and what ever else needs to be done. Do this a few days in a row and you get beaten down and you just start to give in to her just to get a few moments of peace. In addition, it really is nice to see her appear to be happy for a few moments. Even though it is a superficial happiness, it still feels good to witness her happy.
She has suffered so much in her life, I just want to make her feel better. But when we do make her feel better we are the ones to pay because she doesn't feel she deserves good things. It is so hard to see how unworthy she feels. To be honest it is something I personally battle with myself. I find that I feel bad when good things do happen for me. My life has always been a challenge and when things are going well I feel I don't deserve it. I look forward to the day that Sweetie can freely accept that she deserves good things. I also want that for myself and that is something I will continue to work on in myself.
So for now, I continue to pray and continue to hope for Sweetie's complete healing. I pray for her to feel safe enough that she can realize that she doesn't have to play these games in order to control everything. I am also praying that I can show more grace to Sweetie and more to myself. I pray that Sweetie will feel God's grace for her.

Removed

Trauma work is hard work. For kids like my Sweetie, there are years and years of neglect and trauma that has built up huge walls. This video is the story of kids just like Sweetie. The video was incredibly hard for me to watch, but it is a story that needs to be shared. These scenarios are more common than you can imagine.
We have progressed to overnight visits with Sweetie. It is hard for her to transition back home. She is doing well in the program and with me one on one most of the time. However,  she is awful to Cris. Most of the time she ignores him and when she does talk to him, she is hostile. It is really hard on him. She has found in the past if she pushed hard enough that parents will leave. That she would pack up her garbage bags again and move onto the next home. But we are not giving up on her. But there will never be moving with garbage bags again. I believe she is starting to have hope that I am not going anywhere.
I often receive compliments for sticking with Sweetie. I know most people see her actions and just think of her as a damaged girl. But she is strong and she is resilient. She is capable of learning to receive and give love.
This past week in therapy she really started discussing some of her trauma. Things I had never heard before. During the session she did surprisingly well. Almost too well. And then when the session ended and I had to leave she had a breakdown. She was upset for hours. I so wish I could have been there to comfort her. That would have been a good time to bond. That is one of the downfalls of her being in a program. So, as I mentioned earlier, Sweetie is doing well in the program. If she continues to do so she will be getting discharged in early May. I am concerned with finding someone to watch Sweetie this summer and after school again. I was considering asking my employer to go part time or  find a part time job so that I can be available to watch her myself after school. I was trying to line something up, so I could talk to my employer and if they couldn't work with me, I would have a back up plan. One of the places I forwarded my resume to contacted my current employer. My employer than confronted me about it. Now I will have to wait to see if they let me go. Many employers get rid of employees that are "Looking" for other employment. Which is why I was looking for a backup plan. I know asking to do part time leaves me vulnerable to being fired. But now by trying to protect myself, I may be losing my job. It doesn't make sense to work full time, when it cost more an hour for a care giver for Sweetie than I bring home. I have been and will continue to pray for God to show my path. To reveal the path that is best for Sweetie's healing. The next few years are so critical in her healing. The wrong decision on my part could hurt her and I don't want to fail her. I know God has a plan and I am choosing to trust his plan.
The quote below is from the video and how I truly wished my girl could truly feel this way. This is the healing I want for her. This is the healing I am trusting God for.

 "This is my past, my history, my story. It is not my fault. It's not because of me.

 It doesn't have to be what defines my future."

So Lately, Been Wondering

The last few weeks have been rough with Sweetie. Lots of pushing and lots of blow ups. She has been very hurtful and deliberate in her verbal attacks. I am not going to get into details, because it is basically more of the same pushing that has been going on for the last year and a half. I have spent a lot of time contemplating Sweetie's long term prognosis. Could the psychiatrist and therapist be right? Could she really not be able to make it on her own? I just can't allow myself to believe that. I have so much hope for her future. My dreams for my child are not the same as the average parent. I do not have unrealistic dreams of her being a doctor or a lawyer. My dreams for her are simply for her to be ok with being herself. For her to find people in life that will not abuse her. That she can live on her own and that she will find peace in God. We are going to love her no matter what her path in life brings.
We had been having a lot of issues with her PRTF and a few weeks ago I had a big meeting with the clinical director, the now ex-president and several other department heads. I am happy to report that there are beginning to be positive changes. They have stopped medicating Sweetie. They are restructuring her program for her individual needs. I am VERY happy about this. We actually discussed this today in our therapy session with Sweetie. There is now direct correlation between her behaviors at home and her privileges/consequences there. I am really liking her new therapist and the new Medical Director.

Even the staff at the PRTF is noticing the good changes. At this time I am leaving Sweetie where she is an seeing how things continue to go.

 They have been working in therapy on what love really is. During this she decided that she did not love us and did not know if she ever could. Part of me knows this and I have to be ok with her loving us the best that she can. Ultimately, it is not her job to love me anyways. Would it be nice to know she loves me? Absolutely! At this point I would be happy if she could just accept the love I am giving. As much as she was pushing, I knew I was getting into her heart more. Today I got to see a glimmer of hope. On our way back to residential Sweetie said that she always feels prettier when she is home. I asked her if she knew why. She responded it was because she was happy and that she felt she could do anything in life when she was with us. I wanted to jump up and down, screaming "We are getting through!!!".

 

She also gave me this!

 

 

"Wherever You Will Go"

So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone, you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face

If a great wave shall fall
It'd fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own?

[Chorus:]
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll find out
The way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days

If a great wave shall fall
It'd fall upon us all
Well I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you

[Chorus]

Run away with my heart
Run away with my hope
Run away with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time

[Chorus]

If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go

I'll go wherever you will go

We Remain

When I started thinking of being an adoptive mom I had no idea that I would become a warrior. When one thinks of a mother they usually think of kind, loving, nurturing. Not tough, exhausted and aggressive. Being a mom in general is hard, but being a mom of a child with any special needs requires you to become a soldier. You learn to endure almost anything. You  develop a crazy amount of patience. You learn to fight and I mean really battle to meet the needs of these kids. It may be researching for months, hunting down medications, fighting the schools for a good IEP or battling the insurance companies to get necessary treatment. All while trying to manage the rest of your life and not look like you have completely lost it. It can be exhausting and too often you feel absolutely alone. But you are not alone. There is a whole army of warrior mommas who are in the trenches with you. Although our battles are different and we each have our area of combat specialty, we are all battling everyday for our kids. I have been so unbelievably blessed to personally know many of these beautifully fierce women. They are mom's of kids with attachment issues, severe mental health issues, sensory processing issues, cancer, cerebral palsy, mitochondrial disease, deaf, autistic, HIV, dyslexia, cleft palates, spina bifida, down syndrome, children who had strokes and children born extremely prematurely. There are so many individual and complex issues that each of these beautiful, strong women battle with their children each day.  Even though each child's needs are unique, many of battles warrior moms face are the same. We often go without meeting our own needs, whether that be missing a meal, skipping a shower because you are simply just to tired when you finally get to sit down at 11:00 at night and most are sleep deprived. We have lost "friends" and given up dreams. We know the pain of being criticized behind our backs and also being told to give up to our faces. At times, we can feel as if I can not go on another moment longer. But then, one of our fellow warrior moms comes along side of us and lifts us up and helps carry the load for a while. Sometimes, it can be a kind word, a hug, a meal or a prayer. Other times it is showing up with a bottle of wine, doing your dishes or offering to babysit so you can get a rare date with your husband. We cry together in our dark times, we laugh at crazy things and we celebrate victories. We understand that even the smallest victory is still a Victory! We hold our fellow warrior momma's close to our heart. We feel their pain, we understand. We understand that each of us has sat down at sometime and thought " what did I do?" or "I just can't do this". We have stared defeat straight in the face on more times than any of us care to admit. But we have also experienced a joy that can not be put into words. We have strength that only overcoming obstacles can bring. This evening I have spent a long time reflecting on each of the amazing warrior moms I have come to know. Many in person and I proud to call friends. Some, I know only through social media. I am grateful for each and every single warrior mom. You are amazing and you inspire me each day. I have so much love in my heart for each and everyone of you. No matter what comes our way We Remain.

One Little Word

 

One little word that will impact a whole year. This year instead of making resolutions I know I won't keep, I have joined some of the women from my women's group in listening for a word for the coming year. The idea is to chose one word that represents what you most hope God will do in you and then you focus on that word the entire year. We had one of our women's group meetings at church last week and some of the ladies shared their words from last year. Prior to the meeting we had been sent a list of questions to reflect on in choosing our word. If interested you can find them here: ENROUTE BLOG

As I reflected on 2013, I could mostly recall it being a year of brokenness and pain. As we spent our first full year as Sweetie's parents I have discovered how broken our girl truly is and also how broken I am. The last few weeks have been especially difficult. She refused to see us for Christmas Eve. That was really difficult on me. It was another holiday without a child. Sweetie's level of rejection has reached an all time high. This means she is feeling her most scared. During most interactions with her, she is raging. Her monologues are laced with profanity and her topics jumps around second to second. Time is all jumbled together. She mixes events up that happened anywhere from yesterday to years ago. She has been working on some of her past trauma's in therapy so she has a lot of these memories floating around on the surface of her subconscious. I am sure this has brought her back around to grieving again. Our therapy this session this week was an hour of one long rage.  It really seems as if she is getting worse and pulling further away from us. I mostly feel this is due to the fact that we are only allowed to talk for a few minutes 3 times a week. And most times they don't put our calls through. So, when you have a bad phone call Thursday you can't talk again until Sunday. That is 3 days for her to stew. We never get a chance to build her back up and her shame is becoming greater and greater. Overall I have not been happy with the facility. I am really disappointed in most all of the staff. With the exception of the therapist. For some reason Sweetie has connected with her and has opened up to her.  And for this reason I have kept her at the facility. Today, I received and email from the therapist that she will be leaving. So I have no reason to keep her there. The loss of this therapist is going to be very difficult on Sweetie and I am sure going to create a huge set back. I am really disappointed, but I understand why the therapist is leaving. Which are very much the same reasons why I am not happy with the facility.

So, now I am doing what I do best and advocating for my Sweetie. I will be looking for a new facility for her and transferring her. That will of course be a very involved process.

This brings me back to my word for 2014. I kept coming back to 2013 being broken. This brought me to think of unbrokenness, except that isn't a real word. In our small group during the women's meeting we were sharing our potential words with our friends to narrow down our word. As we discussed this, my friend Amy suggested whole. I have reflected on this the past few days and I have decided that my word for 2014 will be whole. I want wholeness for myself and more than anything I want wholeness for Sweetie. I want her to be able to accept our love. I want her to feel happiness and peace. I want her to know she is safe and we have unconditional love for her. I want her to know God's love. There is so much that I want for my child. I will spend this year with my one Little Word. I am eager to see where it will lead us.

 

Love Is Christmas

I thought I knew what unconditional love was. But now I know my idea of it was not even close to what it truly is. After having one of successful therapy session we are back to awful. I knew it was coming and tried to prepare for it, but there is no real preparing for getting your heart broken....again.
We intentionally kept our gift giving to a minimum this year, because we knew no matter what we gave her, Sweetie would find a reason to be disappointed. And as expected she was disappointed and this time over shampoo. Weird I know.
First I should tell you I love stockings! Almost more than big gifts. I always thought they were fun and if you ask Sweetie about last Christmas, the first thing she would tell you is she caught me sneaking into her room at 4 am to put her stocking at the foot of her bed. And how she pretended to sleep until I left so she could rummage through it. Which is exactly what I did as a kid. I know this is a good memory for her. I put lots of fun stuff in her stocking. Lip balms, hair bands, nail polish, cute socks and cute gloves. She loves my Pantene conditioner, so this year I put a big bottle of that in there as well, since she doesn't have any at the residential facility. She opened all of her gifts with minimal response at all. She wouldn't even make eye contact today. She just opened her gifts and in a monotone voice made some kind of comment on most of them, mostly negative like "this is too big or it's not from Rue 21". Then she says "Where's the shampoo?' I just said it wouldn't fit in the stocking. She just said " Well I'm done, I'm going to take a nap". I could tell she was getting upset. She has tell tale body signs, like grabbing her ear or moving her chair side to side while staring at the ground and she gets a very sharp tone. We did not want there to be any negative memories for today, so we just let her go. The whole thing took maybe 10 minutes. No smiles, no laughter, just an empty girl, who wasn't pleased with anything we gave her. She has found a new way to reject us. From the outside most wouldn't think anything of this. People often make comments like "she is just a teenager, they are all like that". No, no they are not like her. Her actions are all calculated and manipulative. Each comment is meant to have a direct effect and meant to push us away. But they are also self preserving. In the words of my friend Melissa "Trauma Sucks". There is no other way to put it. It destroys our children's childhood and tries it's best to destroy their future. But I do not accept defeat in this. Yes today, trauma won. But the battle for my Sweetie is far from over. I will be honest, I am not really as strong as I appear. I do rally up my strength, but a good part of the time I am just a mess. I cried for hours today. I battle with wondering why I don't deserve to be happy, why don't I deserve a child who can love me back. I know in my mind that it is not about deserving, but my heart just longs for a family of my own to love and for them to love me. But adopting a child is not about having someone love you back. And in reality, Sweetie may truly love me. I know she does love me the best she can. And I will just have to accept that it is the best she can do. Her defenses will not allow for more. This is when I see what true unconditional love is. I receive nothing in return of my love. I am hurt over and over and I still adore this child. I can only credit God for this. This is not something I was taught or experienced. I am someone that has always tried to be perfect for people to love me. So I have always experienced conditional love. People love that I am funny, kind, a good cook and giving. But how many really love the hurt and dark me?  The one that no one gets to ever see, for fear of being rejected. My dear husband is trying so hard right now. He is the closest to seeing the real me, but I don't even show him the brokenness. He is sweet with his words and he is even humoring me by helping me prepare meals for the homeless. I feel at times like I react to him the way Sweetie is towards me. I know he takes the burden of my sorrow heavily. He wants nothing more than to fix it.

So, now I will get into the part of my weekend where I realize how I must really enjoy being tortured.
Every once in a while I check out the adopt nc kids website. Mostly to check if any of the kids we inquired about while looking for our children have been adopted. I want so much for them all to have loving homes. I wish the system was different and I could adopt several at a time. But it is not. You have to wait a year between adoptions and then the adopted child must be stable for at least 6 months.
Which means each time Sweetie gets hospitalized or spends time in residential our clock gets restarted from her discharge date. Back in September I wrote about the day I picked up Sweetie when she was discharged from her first residential treatment. The staff at the facility made an exception for me to come to chapel that day. Sweetie did not want to be seen with her mom, so I sat in a row towards the back by myself.  Then a group of the younger kids was brought in. And this little girl with big brown eyes sat down right next to me. I can still picture her hair in a ponytail and her banged up, scrapped up legs from playing outside. She was a bundle of energy as they sang their hymns. They showed a video of an interview of the kids at the facility about how they would make the world a better place. Sweetie did not participate in this project, she did not participate in many activities while there. This little girl was in the video and she said she would make the world a better place by using her super hero powers and shot her fist toward the camera. After the video, the pastor was discussing different ways of making others feel good and asked the kids to share a good memory from a birthday that they had. This girl looked at me and said " she never had one". That was the moment I knew I needed to more for these kids. They deserve to have birthdays and holidays. They deserve to be protected and loved. They deserved so much, but were failed, just like my Sweetie. At the time I thought this was finally "My Calling"! I thought I was meant to be a foster parent. Maybe I still am. So, I come back to the website. I was looking at it this weekend and I saw her picture staring back at me. Her bio so much like my Sweetie's. It is very common for kids like her to be available for adoption for years. Sweetie was 9 when she could be adopted and it took 3 years for her to get to us. Could we be this girl's family? Maybe we could show her unconditional love before it is too late for her and she is unable to accept it. I put out an email to Sweetie's therapist from the residential facility and she is going to pass it on to the girl's team. I know this is crazy, I know we (In the words of my mom)" already have a lot on our plate. It may take months or a year for Sweetie to stabilize and for us to add to our family. But I can't lose hope that we will have our large family. I know many will not understand this... why we would want to bring more chaos and potential pain into our lives? But in my heart I cannot find a reason not to. Does God stop loving all of his hurt children? The ones who strike out and try to hurt themselves, others and him. He has not turned his back on any of us. How can I turn my back on those who so desperately need parents. This is what I have found unconditional love to be. Isn't Unconditional love really what Christmas is about? It is not about the presents and the parties. For me, it is about loving one another wholly, unconditionally.

Wherever You Go

I know it has been a few weeks since I last posted. There has been a lot going on. The last 2 weeks have been very busy and also very tough. It started on a high note after Thanksgiving when Sweetie gave me this letter. It is a letter she did in therapy and I saw a big glimpse of Hope for our girl.

And like every other time my girl shows me some major affection, she does something equally awful to sabotage it. She must be really scared right now, because she is pushing us away harder than ever before. She is refusing to see us or talk to us again. But we keep trying. During this weeks family therapy she was something different. She wasn't out of control tantrumming like she normally does. This week she was very calculated, very deliberate and full of disdain.
As we were walking down the hall to the therapy room we could see her walking down another hall and she was laughing and waving to everyone. The minute she saw us, she literally flipped a switch and threw herself back. If you can picture trying to put 2 positive charged magnets, how they repel each other...that is how she responds to us. Her movements are extremely exaggerated. If we step toward her she will run completely around us to the farthest corner while yelling or screaming. is week therapist tried something, by letting Sweetie feel in control of the session. . Giving Sweetie control immediately backfired. She sat in the therapist chair and rhythmically banged the chair right to left hitting the drawers on each side hard enough to have them open and slam shut. She did this on and off the whole therapy session. She verbalizes that we have rejected her and calls us those people. We are no longer mom and dad. She dominated the whole session, cussing and yelling and then singing songs when asked questions. She says that she wants to kill rejection and that we are rejection. Does that mean she wants to kill us? I know that the Reactive Attachment Disorder is in full swing right now. She is getting superficial needs met through peer interactions and have limited contact with us, due to an issues getting through to her on the phone. To be honest she seems to be getting further and further away. She is constantly rejecting us now and in turn she is feeling that we are rejecting her. She has gone back to thinking we are doing things we are not doing or saying things we have not said. Cris and I said very little during the session because she was dysregulated and was saying she was going to blow. But that was last session. Luckily her therapist is open to trying things we know work. And what works is pushing through the uncomfortable and forcing her to deal with me. So this week it will be me and her in an empty room. The therapist will be outside.
I will do what I always do with Sweetie and I am going to be honest and level with her. She is usually receptive to this. I am not afraid of her hitting me, I know I can take her punches. So this time when she fights with words or behaviors I am going to push through with her. I am going to get through to her. She is going to see I am here, I have not gone anywhere, I am not going anywhere. If she wants out, she needs to figure out how to do that legally by getting emancipated, but that will be her choice. We are not giving up. I will tell her she is our family, we want her to be our family. If she wants to be part of the family, she does have to try to work to be part of it. I do not expect perfection. Lord knows I am far from perfect. But we do expect effort. IF she does not want to be part of our family than she does not get the privileges of this family. Which means no gifts, no trips, no fancy hair coloring/cut.
We are a good family, we are good parents and deep down she is a good girl. She is just scared to death of us rejecting her. She is trying to control that rejection. While in therapy and she was making a bunch of noise I asked the therapist several times, so that Sweetie could hear me "I wonder how long a scared girl can push and push until she realizes that these parents aren't going anywhere?"
This was an exhausting and heart breaking visit. It crushed both Cris and I.
I am pretty sure she heard me. Because the next day, she did call us.

She did not apologize but we did have a pretty insightful discussion.

I asked what she wanted from us besides buying her things? She said she didn't know. 

I asked what she was so upset about yesterday, that she was saying some really hurtful things and she said because we weren't buying her anything for Christmas. I asked her if I ever said that and she said no but you will buy me crappy stuff. I asked did I buy you crappy stuff last year? He said no. I asked did we buy you crappy school clothes and she said no. So I asked why would you think that now? She said she didn't know and that made her feel better.

I asked her what she needed us to do to make her feel loved and not rejected? She said she didn't know. I told her that is something to think about, because we have tried to buy her anything she ever wanted, we tried affection, we tried fun experiences. We are trying to just figure out how to show her we are here. But if she doesn't want to accept it, it is all pointless. 

She said she wanted to be with friends more and less therapy. I said when we can act like a normal family we can stop therapy. She said that we are not normal. I said you are right, I am not normal, Papi is not normal and neither are you and that is ok. We are not normal together. She asked me what I thought a normal family was. I said ones that are respectful, caring, forgiving, they don't yell at each other and they don't hit. They do still have disagreements but they talk them out and work on them. Unfortunately that was when her time was up for her call. We only get 10 minutes 3 times a week, and the first 5 minutes are usually her being distracted or asking me for things and me ticking her off by saying no.

It is so hard for me to say no. I love to buy things for people I love, that is my love language. Especially at Christmas. I see so many things I want to buy her. But this year it is 2 outfits, a winter jacket that she needs and a pair of pjs. As I finished up some last minute shopping today I saw so many things I wanted for her. When I envisioned being a mom I pictured all the things we could do, I loved the thought of having a girlie girl that loved hair and clothes and shoes. So did Cris. We would have given Sweetie anything. But sadly, she can not handle receiving good things. She sabotages them. So, this Christmas we are pretty much dealing with a tantrum either way. If she get's what she wants she doesn't feel she deserves it and sabotages. If she doesn't receive what she wants she gets triggered and feels we are rejecting her. We saw this last year, we got most of what she asked for. So much of it was never used and we gave it away. She had awful behavior for a week after the holiday.

This year, I have saved money and we will see how it goes. She is already saying it isn't fair. She is right it isn't fair. It is not fair that all this happened to her and that she has to live with the symptoms of RAD. IT's not fair  that we don't get to do things with our daughter and that she can't accept our love. The whole situation is not fair.

 

I am not sure what the next few weeks will hold, but I will be grateful when this holiday season is over. We should be in a trigger free zone for a while. Hoping then we can have some real progression with our girl. Sadly because of her behavior towards us she has not earned permission to come home during the holidays. And this makes me sad.

 

This has been one of my favorite songs for a while. I think of my girl when I am singing it.

 

There's a train leaving your heart tonight.
There's a silence inside your head and you're running you're running from it.
Down the tracks on a midnight line.
There's a red moon in the sky and you're running you're running from it.

But I'm coming for you, coming for you, wherever you go.
I'm coming for you, I'm coming for you wherever you go.

Wrestling angels till dawn breaks through
There's a blessing in the wound and you're running you're running from it.
When all your demons are at your door
it's a soldier they're looking and you're running you're running from it.

But I'm coming for you, coming for you, wherever you go.
I'm coming for you, I'm coming for you wherever you go.

I'm coming for you, I'm coming for you wherever you go
I'm coming for you, I'm coming for you wherever you go

Across the sea, the space between everything you think you know,
the things you keep and bury deep underneath the melting snow -
I'll follow.

Fathers & mothers don't always come through,
but I'm never gonna stop following you

Prophets and lovers don't always hold true,
but I'm never gonna stop falling for you

So, when your wine's all gone and your well runs dry,
Open your hands and look into my eyes; all that you see here,
you'll soon leave behind, so open your hands and look into my eyes

'cause I'm coming for you, coming for you wherever you go

I'm coming for you, I'm coming for you wherever you go [5x]

Yeah, I'm coming for you, coming for you wherever you go [2x]

I'm coming for you, coming for you wherever you go [2x]

Fathers & mothers don't always come through,
but I'm never gonna stop following you
Prophets and lovers don't always hold true,
but I'm never gonna stop falling for you 

Walls Come Tumbling Down

 But if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

Nothing changed at all?

And if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

You've been here before?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

 Pompeii~ Bastille

It is Thanksgiving and honestly I have been in a pretty bad funk. In preparation to adopt an older child, we have prepared ourselves in a lot of ways. I can't even count how many books I have read or cds I have listened to about all kinds of adoption issues. I know more about Reactive Attachment Disorder than most of the mental health workers we encounter. I know the more our daughter loves us the scarier it becomes for her and this causes her to push us away. I have written on this topic many times. Even though my head knows how Sweetie will respond to certain situations, my heart still gets hurt when she does respond in a negative way. Sweetie seems to be wanting to make changes in herself to heal. She has been participating in therapy, she says she believes we are good parents and doing everything we can. She says she needs to take this time to work on herself. I believe her. What is hard is when we try to visit her and she can only deal with being around us for 2 minutes without reacting in a negative way. I am not sure if it a control issue or if it is a shame issue. She can hardly look at us when we see her. I know she feels bad for accusing Cris falsely and for attacking me. She verbalizes this to her therapist and understands it is those actions that are why she is in the program. It is a good thing she is able to verbalize these things. 6 months ago Sweetie could not have done that. So, even though her behavior has been it's absolute worst, she is now beginning to experience some healing. She can recognize that she is doing these things to test us to see if we will really will stay and if we really unconditionally love her. She can admit that she is scared that she will chase us away. But she hasn't chased us away. Honestly it hurts awfully when she does this. It is hard not to take it personally. On days like today, I find myself relating to this song. When I close my eyes it feels like nothing has changed at all. When I close my eyes I feel like I have been here before. And I ask; how I am gonna be an optimist about this? If it wasn't for the faith I have that God has brought Sweetie to us because he could use us to help her heal, I would not be optimistic. Even with the true hope that I have, there are days that I have my doubts. But, I look back on where Sweetie has come from and what she has survived. My sweet girl is strong, she is smart, she is resilient and most of all she is loved. Her walls are beginning to come tumbling down, exposing the hurt child inside. When I was talking to her therapist yesterday she said something that no one has said to me before. She said that Sweetie is one of the few kids she has worked with that if it was not for her trauma, she would not have any mental health issues. That most of the other children she works with have biological mental illness. She believes if Sweetie had not gone through her early childhood trauma, she would have been able to have a life with absolutely no limits.

At first this made me profoundly sad and angry. I am having to really work hard on forgiving her others for hurting her so much that they have broken her spirit. They have shattered her soul. They have left a hole in her soul that nothing can ever fill. I pray that God's love can heal that wound.

I will be grateful for when the holidays are over, so we can get past all of the triggers for a while and Sweetie can get to a place of peace.