Love Me

It has been a little over 3 years since Sweetie moved in with us. In that time we have been through more trauma than I could have ever imagined. Many times it seemed like we were not going to make it through to the other side of everything. But we have and boy it is pretty amazing. Sweetie's relationship with Spartacus really seems to be the key to her healing. I have watched her bloom over the last month or so. She just adores Her little brother. She is incredibly sweet with him. We were prepared to deal with intense jealousy with the potential for her to lash out at him. But it has been the complete opposite. She is happy around him. And I get to see more moments of pure joy when she is playing with him than I have seen in the last 3 years combined.  It is miraculous the difference we see in her. Where there was once constant rage there is now peace. A kid who was kicking and punching is now hugging and helping around the house without being asked. Instead of being cussed at we are now having conversations. It has become a pleasure to have Sweetie around.

Sweetie has recently taken ownership of her Reactive Attachment Disorder diagnosis. She is learning about how it developed. She is also learning how to cope and  how live with it. She has begun to wholeheartedly work on her trauma history. She recently wrote her biological father a letter and in it she told him how he hurt her and how she feels sorry for him, but right now she cannot forgive him. That she wants to, but he scares her. She also wrote about us in this letter telling him that we are the only people that ever showed her real love. That we have given her anything she could ever want and more than she needs. That we protect her no matter what. Another thing she did was write a rap song.
One of the lyrics went something like" Oh no not another one, I want it to stay just me. But then I looked into his eyes and I could no longer disguise that I love him". Spartacus has been her reason for working through the hard stuff and for really trying to get better. She list him as her motivation when she is working on her goals. She wants him to be proud of her and also doesn't want him to do the behaviors that she had previously done. My heart is so happy to watch this bond grow between them.

Sweetie will be stepping down to an IAFT in less than 3 weeks. If her behaviors continue to improve like they have been, we would like to have her back home for good by the holidays. We will see how it goes. I do not want to pressure her too much or push her too fast. Her progress has been remarkable and I do not want to risk everything because I am pushing. In the IAFT home she will be able to practice the skills she learned in the last year in the PRTF. I am currently praying  that she keeps working and that the healing will continue. She has become so insightful. She is able to express her emotional needs better than most adults I know. She is able to tell me that even though she likes to hear that she is doing a good job and that we are proud of her. But that it also makes her feel scared because she doesn't want to disappoint us. When she told me this I was doing a happy dance in my head. I wanted to shout with joy " She really cares!!! We are finally getting through! We finally matter!!" Over the weekend she has apologized for many of the individual events that have happened over the last 3 years. She apologized for being a giant "B" for most of the time and she thanked me for sticking with her. For loving her through all of it. I am sure we will have more challenging times. She is still a teenager and even children who grew up in happy homes have moments where they make poor choices.

I sit here tonight content. My house is peaceful and quiet. What has stuck with me the most is the fact that all she needed was for me to love her. Truly love her. Love her like God loves us. Unconditional and unwavering love. Even in the darkest of hours. I think we all want that and many of us don't  receive that kind of love. We surely don't love ourselves like that. I can only imagine how all of our lives could  look if we did understand that we are love like this. I mean really believed it in our heart of hearts. Can you imagine the transformation it would create? I know how inspiring it is to watch as it happens to my girl. I feel honored to be chosen to witness it and be part of this kind of love. I am grateful what loving someone like this has helped me grow to being more like Christ.

I know so many who are in the trenches with their kids form hard places. It is a war zone most of the time. It is hard, it is dirty and it is exhausting. But sweet friends there is hope. We are getting through to our kids. Even when we feel we are defeated and want to throw in that towel. They see us there, fighting for them, sacrificing for them. Don't give up! The healing may not be today, tomorrow, next week or even next month. But it will come. Love always wins.

Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You

But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me

And I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
yeah, yeah

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
And Your love makes me forget what I have been

And I need You to love me, yeah
I need You to love me, yeah
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have (2x)

I need You to love me, yeah ..

Love Is Christmas

I thought I knew what unconditional love was. But now I know my idea of it was not even close to what it truly is. After having one of successful therapy session we are back to awful. I knew it was coming and tried to prepare for it, but there is no real preparing for getting your heart broken....again.
We intentionally kept our gift giving to a minimum this year, because we knew no matter what we gave her, Sweetie would find a reason to be disappointed. And as expected she was disappointed and this time over shampoo. Weird I know.
First I should tell you I love stockings! Almost more than big gifts. I always thought they were fun and if you ask Sweetie about last Christmas, the first thing she would tell you is she caught me sneaking into her room at 4 am to put her stocking at the foot of her bed. And how she pretended to sleep until I left so she could rummage through it. Which is exactly what I did as a kid. I know this is a good memory for her. I put lots of fun stuff in her stocking. Lip balms, hair bands, nail polish, cute socks and cute gloves. She loves my Pantene conditioner, so this year I put a big bottle of that in there as well, since she doesn't have any at the residential facility. She opened all of her gifts with minimal response at all. She wouldn't even make eye contact today. She just opened her gifts and in a monotone voice made some kind of comment on most of them, mostly negative like "this is too big or it's not from Rue 21". Then she says "Where's the shampoo?' I just said it wouldn't fit in the stocking. She just said " Well I'm done, I'm going to take a nap". I could tell she was getting upset. She has tell tale body signs, like grabbing her ear or moving her chair side to side while staring at the ground and she gets a very sharp tone. We did not want there to be any negative memories for today, so we just let her go. The whole thing took maybe 10 minutes. No smiles, no laughter, just an empty girl, who wasn't pleased with anything we gave her. She has found a new way to reject us. From the outside most wouldn't think anything of this. People often make comments like "she is just a teenager, they are all like that". No, no they are not like her. Her actions are all calculated and manipulative. Each comment is meant to have a direct effect and meant to push us away. But they are also self preserving. In the words of my friend Melissa "Trauma Sucks". There is no other way to put it. It destroys our children's childhood and tries it's best to destroy their future. But I do not accept defeat in this. Yes today, trauma won. But the battle for my Sweetie is far from over. I will be honest, I am not really as strong as I appear. I do rally up my strength, but a good part of the time I am just a mess. I cried for hours today. I battle with wondering why I don't deserve to be happy, why don't I deserve a child who can love me back. I know in my mind that it is not about deserving, but my heart just longs for a family of my own to love and for them to love me. But adopting a child is not about having someone love you back. And in reality, Sweetie may truly love me. I know she does love me the best she can. And I will just have to accept that it is the best she can do. Her defenses will not allow for more. This is when I see what true unconditional love is. I receive nothing in return of my love. I am hurt over and over and I still adore this child. I can only credit God for this. This is not something I was taught or experienced. I am someone that has always tried to be perfect for people to love me. So I have always experienced conditional love. People love that I am funny, kind, a good cook and giving. But how many really love the hurt and dark me?  The one that no one gets to ever see, for fear of being rejected. My dear husband is trying so hard right now. He is the closest to seeing the real me, but I don't even show him the brokenness. He is sweet with his words and he is even humoring me by helping me prepare meals for the homeless. I feel at times like I react to him the way Sweetie is towards me. I know he takes the burden of my sorrow heavily. He wants nothing more than to fix it.

So, now I will get into the part of my weekend where I realize how I must really enjoy being tortured.
Every once in a while I check out the adopt nc kids website. Mostly to check if any of the kids we inquired about while looking for our children have been adopted. I want so much for them all to have loving homes. I wish the system was different and I could adopt several at a time. But it is not. You have to wait a year between adoptions and then the adopted child must be stable for at least 6 months.
Which means each time Sweetie gets hospitalized or spends time in residential our clock gets restarted from her discharge date. Back in September I wrote about the day I picked up Sweetie when she was discharged from her first residential treatment. The staff at the facility made an exception for me to come to chapel that day. Sweetie did not want to be seen with her mom, so I sat in a row towards the back by myself.  Then a group of the younger kids was brought in. And this little girl with big brown eyes sat down right next to me. I can still picture her hair in a ponytail and her banged up, scrapped up legs from playing outside. She was a bundle of energy as they sang their hymns. They showed a video of an interview of the kids at the facility about how they would make the world a better place. Sweetie did not participate in this project, she did not participate in many activities while there. This little girl was in the video and she said she would make the world a better place by using her super hero powers and shot her fist toward the camera. After the video, the pastor was discussing different ways of making others feel good and asked the kids to share a good memory from a birthday that they had. This girl looked at me and said " she never had one". That was the moment I knew I needed to more for these kids. They deserve to have birthdays and holidays. They deserve to be protected and loved. They deserved so much, but were failed, just like my Sweetie. At the time I thought this was finally "My Calling"! I thought I was meant to be a foster parent. Maybe I still am. So, I come back to the website. I was looking at it this weekend and I saw her picture staring back at me. Her bio so much like my Sweetie's. It is very common for kids like her to be available for adoption for years. Sweetie was 9 when she could be adopted and it took 3 years for her to get to us. Could we be this girl's family? Maybe we could show her unconditional love before it is too late for her and she is unable to accept it. I put out an email to Sweetie's therapist from the residential facility and she is going to pass it on to the girl's team. I know this is crazy, I know we (In the words of my mom)" already have a lot on our plate. It may take months or a year for Sweetie to stabilize and for us to add to our family. But I can't lose hope that we will have our large family. I know many will not understand this... why we would want to bring more chaos and potential pain into our lives? But in my heart I cannot find a reason not to. Does God stop loving all of his hurt children? The ones who strike out and try to hurt themselves, others and him. He has not turned his back on any of us. How can I turn my back on those who so desperately need parents. This is what I have found unconditional love to be. Isn't Unconditional love really what Christmas is about? It is not about the presents and the parties. For me, it is about loving one another wholly, unconditionally.

Wherever You Go

I know it has been a few weeks since I last posted. There has been a lot going on. The last 2 weeks have been very busy and also very tough. It started on a high note after Thanksgiving when Sweetie gave me this letter. It is a letter she did in therapy and I saw a big glimpse of Hope for our girl.

And like every other time my girl shows me some major affection, she does something equally awful to sabotage it. She must be really scared right now, because she is pushing us away harder than ever before. She is refusing to see us or talk to us again. But we keep trying. During this weeks family therapy she was something different. She wasn't out of control tantrumming like she normally does. This week she was very calculated, very deliberate and full of disdain.
As we were walking down the hall to the therapy room we could see her walking down another hall and she was laughing and waving to everyone. The minute she saw us, she literally flipped a switch and threw herself back. If you can picture trying to put 2 positive charged magnets, how they repel each other...that is how she responds to us. Her movements are extremely exaggerated. If we step toward her she will run completely around us to the farthest corner while yelling or screaming. is week therapist tried something, by letting Sweetie feel in control of the session. . Giving Sweetie control immediately backfired. She sat in the therapist chair and rhythmically banged the chair right to left hitting the drawers on each side hard enough to have them open and slam shut. She did this on and off the whole therapy session. She verbalizes that we have rejected her and calls us those people. We are no longer mom and dad. She dominated the whole session, cussing and yelling and then singing songs when asked questions. She says that she wants to kill rejection and that we are rejection. Does that mean she wants to kill us? I know that the Reactive Attachment Disorder is in full swing right now. She is getting superficial needs met through peer interactions and have limited contact with us, due to an issues getting through to her on the phone. To be honest she seems to be getting further and further away. She is constantly rejecting us now and in turn she is feeling that we are rejecting her. She has gone back to thinking we are doing things we are not doing or saying things we have not said. Cris and I said very little during the session because she was dysregulated and was saying she was going to blow. But that was last session. Luckily her therapist is open to trying things we know work. And what works is pushing through the uncomfortable and forcing her to deal with me. So this week it will be me and her in an empty room. The therapist will be outside.
I will do what I always do with Sweetie and I am going to be honest and level with her. She is usually receptive to this. I am not afraid of her hitting me, I know I can take her punches. So this time when she fights with words or behaviors I am going to push through with her. I am going to get through to her. She is going to see I am here, I have not gone anywhere, I am not going anywhere. If she wants out, she needs to figure out how to do that legally by getting emancipated, but that will be her choice. We are not giving up. I will tell her she is our family, we want her to be our family. If she wants to be part of the family, she does have to try to work to be part of it. I do not expect perfection. Lord knows I am far from perfect. But we do expect effort. IF she does not want to be part of our family than she does not get the privileges of this family. Which means no gifts, no trips, no fancy hair coloring/cut.
We are a good family, we are good parents and deep down she is a good girl. She is just scared to death of us rejecting her. She is trying to control that rejection. While in therapy and she was making a bunch of noise I asked the therapist several times, so that Sweetie could hear me "I wonder how long a scared girl can push and push until she realizes that these parents aren't going anywhere?"
This was an exhausting and heart breaking visit. It crushed both Cris and I.
I am pretty sure she heard me. Because the next day, she did call us.

She did not apologize but we did have a pretty insightful discussion.

I asked what she wanted from us besides buying her things? She said she didn't know. 

I asked what she was so upset about yesterday, that she was saying some really hurtful things and she said because we weren't buying her anything for Christmas. I asked her if I ever said that and she said no but you will buy me crappy stuff. I asked did I buy you crappy stuff last year? He said no. I asked did we buy you crappy school clothes and she said no. So I asked why would you think that now? She said she didn't know and that made her feel better.

I asked her what she needed us to do to make her feel loved and not rejected? She said she didn't know. I told her that is something to think about, because we have tried to buy her anything she ever wanted, we tried affection, we tried fun experiences. We are trying to just figure out how to show her we are here. But if she doesn't want to accept it, it is all pointless. 

She said she wanted to be with friends more and less therapy. I said when we can act like a normal family we can stop therapy. She said that we are not normal. I said you are right, I am not normal, Papi is not normal and neither are you and that is ok. We are not normal together. She asked me what I thought a normal family was. I said ones that are respectful, caring, forgiving, they don't yell at each other and they don't hit. They do still have disagreements but they talk them out and work on them. Unfortunately that was when her time was up for her call. We only get 10 minutes 3 times a week, and the first 5 minutes are usually her being distracted or asking me for things and me ticking her off by saying no.

It is so hard for me to say no. I love to buy things for people I love, that is my love language. Especially at Christmas. I see so many things I want to buy her. But this year it is 2 outfits, a winter jacket that she needs and a pair of pjs. As I finished up some last minute shopping today I saw so many things I wanted for her. When I envisioned being a mom I pictured all the things we could do, I loved the thought of having a girlie girl that loved hair and clothes and shoes. So did Cris. We would have given Sweetie anything. But sadly, she can not handle receiving good things. She sabotages them. So, this Christmas we are pretty much dealing with a tantrum either way. If she get's what she wants she doesn't feel she deserves it and sabotages. If she doesn't receive what she wants she gets triggered and feels we are rejecting her. We saw this last year, we got most of what she asked for. So much of it was never used and we gave it away. She had awful behavior for a week after the holiday.

This year, I have saved money and we will see how it goes. She is already saying it isn't fair. She is right it isn't fair. It is not fair that all this happened to her and that she has to live with the symptoms of RAD. IT's not fair  that we don't get to do things with our daughter and that she can't accept our love. The whole situation is not fair.

 

I am not sure what the next few weeks will hold, but I will be grateful when this holiday season is over. We should be in a trigger free zone for a while. Hoping then we can have some real progression with our girl. Sadly because of her behavior towards us she has not earned permission to come home during the holidays. And this makes me sad.

 

This has been one of my favorite songs for a while. I think of my girl when I am singing it.

 

There's a train leaving your heart tonight.
There's a silence inside your head and you're running you're running from it.
Down the tracks on a midnight line.
There's a red moon in the sky and you're running you're running from it.

But I'm coming for you, coming for you, wherever you go.
I'm coming for you, I'm coming for you wherever you go.

Wrestling angels till dawn breaks through
There's a blessing in the wound and you're running you're running from it.
When all your demons are at your door
it's a soldier they're looking and you're running you're running from it.

But I'm coming for you, coming for you, wherever you go.
I'm coming for you, I'm coming for you wherever you go.

I'm coming for you, I'm coming for you wherever you go
I'm coming for you, I'm coming for you wherever you go

Across the sea, the space between everything you think you know,
the things you keep and bury deep underneath the melting snow -
I'll follow.

Fathers & mothers don't always come through,
but I'm never gonna stop following you

Prophets and lovers don't always hold true,
but I'm never gonna stop falling for you

So, when your wine's all gone and your well runs dry,
Open your hands and look into my eyes; all that you see here,
you'll soon leave behind, so open your hands and look into my eyes

'cause I'm coming for you, coming for you wherever you go

I'm coming for you, I'm coming for you wherever you go [5x]

Yeah, I'm coming for you, coming for you wherever you go [2x]

I'm coming for you, coming for you wherever you go [2x]

Fathers & mothers don't always come through,
but I'm never gonna stop following you
Prophets and lovers don't always hold true,
but I'm never gonna stop falling for you 

Walls Come Tumbling Down

 But if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

Nothing changed at all?

And if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

You've been here before?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

 Pompeii~ Bastille

It is Thanksgiving and honestly I have been in a pretty bad funk. In preparation to adopt an older child, we have prepared ourselves in a lot of ways. I can't even count how many books I have read or cds I have listened to about all kinds of adoption issues. I know more about Reactive Attachment Disorder than most of the mental health workers we encounter. I know the more our daughter loves us the scarier it becomes for her and this causes her to push us away. I have written on this topic many times. Even though my head knows how Sweetie will respond to certain situations, my heart still gets hurt when she does respond in a negative way. Sweetie seems to be wanting to make changes in herself to heal. She has been participating in therapy, she says she believes we are good parents and doing everything we can. She says she needs to take this time to work on herself. I believe her. What is hard is when we try to visit her and she can only deal with being around us for 2 minutes without reacting in a negative way. I am not sure if it a control issue or if it is a shame issue. She can hardly look at us when we see her. I know she feels bad for accusing Cris falsely and for attacking me. She verbalizes this to her therapist and understands it is those actions that are why she is in the program. It is a good thing she is able to verbalize these things. 6 months ago Sweetie could not have done that. So, even though her behavior has been it's absolute worst, she is now beginning to experience some healing. She can recognize that she is doing these things to test us to see if we will really will stay and if we really unconditionally love her. She can admit that she is scared that she will chase us away. But she hasn't chased us away. Honestly it hurts awfully when she does this. It is hard not to take it personally. On days like today, I find myself relating to this song. When I close my eyes it feels like nothing has changed at all. When I close my eyes I feel like I have been here before. And I ask; how I am gonna be an optimist about this? If it wasn't for the faith I have that God has brought Sweetie to us because he could use us to help her heal, I would not be optimistic. Even with the true hope that I have, there are days that I have my doubts. But, I look back on where Sweetie has come from and what she has survived. My sweet girl is strong, she is smart, she is resilient and most of all she is loved. Her walls are beginning to come tumbling down, exposing the hurt child inside. When I was talking to her therapist yesterday she said something that no one has said to me before. She said that Sweetie is one of the few kids she has worked with that if it was not for her trauma, she would not have any mental health issues. That most of the other children she works with have biological mental illness. She believes if Sweetie had not gone through her early childhood trauma, she would have been able to have a life with absolutely no limits.

At first this made me profoundly sad and angry. I am having to really work hard on forgiving her others for hurting her so much that they have broken her spirit. They have shattered her soul. They have left a hole in her soul that nothing can ever fill. I pray that God's love can heal that wound.

I will be grateful for when the holidays are over, so we can get past all of the triggers for a while and Sweetie can get to a place of peace.

Surviving the Monster

 Fire only needs 3 things: An ignition, oxygen and fuel.

For about 10 years I was a volunteer firefighter in upstate New York. Most of the time I managed to get through things pretty unscathed. Then their were times that like when I managed to miss tucking a patch of hair inside my Kevlar hood and burned of a huge chunk of hair. Over that time I was able to learn a lot about fire and what a monster it can become. I came to view fire as a living breathing thing. It was born, it ate, it grew and eventually died. When tended to carefully fire can be a wonderful thing, providing warmth and light. But when abused or neglected it becomes uncontrollable and takes the form of a monster devouring everything in it's path. Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder are in some ways like a forest fire. They can start from careless mistakes of selfish people. Imagine young campers having a good time creating a campfire. For a while they tend to the fire, it is fun, it is a source of entertainment. But eventually time goes by and they get tired, bored, go to sleep and eventually leave. When the fire isn't being provided with fuel, it can spread to surrounding areas to feed. If there is no one there to care for the fire it becomes more and more destructive until it either runs out of fuel or someone steps in and smothers it. For our children with difficult past, no one was there to tend to their needs. The fire from their fear became anger and it grows to become an out of control rage. And like a fire that has smoldered for a long time just barely alive, they can blow when oxygen is reintroduced. In our journey with Sweetie love is oxygen and the things we have bought for Sweetie is the fuel that has fed her fire. For a child who has been deprived for so long of basic needs and love, the flood of love and gifts creates a scenario very similar to a backdraft. Unleashing an uncontrollable monster. This is what happened to my Sweetie. And now we are left with the aftermath. We are a family that is a pile of debris and ashes.

However there is still hope. Soon after the largest of forest fires, new life rises from the ashes.

Our family is already starting to see sprouts of new growth already in Sweetie.

I have already shared how hard it was to place Sweetie back into a PRTF( Psychiatric Residential Therapy Facility).and how this one is way more structured and is just a tougher program. We were to have our first family therapy session today, but were unable to because I caught the flu. Even in this misery, God has made good of it. When we could not go, it allowed Sweetie to do an individual therapy session that was monumental in her journey. After the session her therapist wrote to me the following:

It went fantastic, actually. Really pleased with how she responded. She said that she felt like she had never really had much individual therapy before and that she needs it. I had some discussion with her about RAD and what that means and why it isn't her fault that she's had some difficulties forming attachments. It made sense to her and she was able to recognize that RAD is why she tends to form very quick attachments with peers and becomes emotional when those attachments dissolve quickly. She also recognized that with each foster placement she has had, it has gotten more and more difficult for her to trust caregivers. We also discussed that she has trouble trusting men and worries that they will sexually abuse her. She identified that a big goal of hers is to learn how to trust and to learn what love really is when it's healthy. She believes that she needs more 'help' than you guys do and believes that you are good parents. I think she really can be successful here if we can continue down this line of thinking. 

This is the first time that Sweetie has taken ownership for her behavior or treatment. It has always been someone else's fault or someone else had to do something to fix what was happening.

Even though I can hardly breathe and severe muscle and joint aches, my heart is happy and excited.

This is so huge for her and us. I was able to speak with her and she is sad and low. My heart hurts for her in that sense. This is the first time she is allowing herself to actually feel sad. Until now, she has always converted sad and fear to angry. She is being very insightful and in tuned to what is going on.

Unfortunately,she has stated that she does not want to see us for Thanksgiving because she does not feel safe around us. She said she loves us but just can't handle seeing us right now while she is in a bad place. I told her I was so proud of her for telling us how she felt, that I respected her for being able to voice that. I told her we support her in her decision and we are here when she is ready. She was the saddest I ever heard her and I believe this interaction to be genuine.

I am continuing to pray for radical transformation for my girl. I will continue to show her God's love through me. 

I am hoping to hear back from one of our pastors. He took a picture of this amazingly beautiful thistle and gave a wonderful talk on flourishing, not just surviving. I am so happy to be able to share Kurt's amazing photo. This is what I want for our Sweetie. I want a life for her where she does not merely survive. I believe that God has a beautiful path laid out for Sweetie. I believe in her ability to take a stand against the monster inside of her, find redemption and flourish.

Broken Girl

I will never share Sweetie's full story with anyone for 2 reasons. First I don't know most of it. I have only gotten bits and pieces that come out in rare moments and then they are retracted and denied. But more importantly because this is Sweetie's story to tell. She may never tell anyone everything. Most of the time I believe she can't even bring herself to face most of it. All that I know is the severe abuse and neglect left my child shattered and completely broken. I can not even tell you how many tears I have shed over her lost childhood and innocence. No child should face what she has. IT is not fair that she is the one who is paying now for what others did to her. I can never wrap my brain around the fact that they could not get past themselves to care for their children. But part of me has pity for them. They could not do it because they did not know how. They were never shown. They were broken children themselves.

Bringing Sweetie back to a PRTF (Psychiatric Residential Treatment Facility) was not any easier the second time around. Now that she is a teenager the program she is in is a bit more hard core. This has meant no contact so far. We will have our first family therapy this coming Wednesday. We are faced with an empty house again. It is so quiet now and sad. For every stressful time we had with Sweetie we also had moments that were fun. I miss her laughter. I miss her singing and most of all I miss her hugs. Even with all of her attachment issues, Sweetie loves to be hugged and cuddled. Granted it needs to always be on her terms, but she is willing to accept affection. This is one of the things that gives me great hope for Sweetie.

While Sweetie was in the hospital the past couple weeks, she had to work on written processing of her recent behaviors and goal setting. Even though she could not face us to apologize she could write that she felt horrible for how she assaulted me and how she accused Cris falsely. She wrote that she knows she needs help and that she wants to learn to control her anger. This too gives me hope.
It must be hard to face those you have hurt so badly. Especially when you already have such a core of shame and pain. That would be difficult for any adult. I can't imagine how difficult it is for her.

The new program is a lot tougher and more structured as it is a program for teenagers and her behaviors have been so severe. I am happy about the structure. It will push her. And I really believe she needs to be pushed hard while in a controlled environment. She needs to be pushed to deal with her trauma, not run away from it. If she keeps running, it will always follow her and she will continue to have a life of turmoil and drama. If she chooses to embrace the treatment and work through the trauma she can heal and she can lead an amazing life. We have provided her with unconditional love, support and all the tools to accomplish this healing. It is now her choice. She can work hard and eventually come back home or she can not and she can be placed out of the house. Either way she will still be our daughter and either way we will love her. I prefer her to be home but I will not live in a home where I will be abused.

I continue to put faith in God that she is where she needs to be to find healing. This will be a long few months. It will be hard with her not being home for the holidays. She will not be allowed to come home for Thanksgiving. We are choosing not to celebrate Thanksgiving this year. Cris and I are going to go to the beach and stay at a friends house. I know it will be cold, but I love the ocean and need some time to clear my head and start to work on healing myself.

This is Not Your Legacy

"No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you"

I refuse to give up on Sweetie. She can kick, shove and punch to push me away, but I will not leave. And that rocks her to the core. Her brain can not even begin to comprehend why. How can we love her when she was made to feel for so long that no one could? Oh how I wish she could just see that she really is loved and safe. How I pray for her to begin to trust that we will not hurt her. I want more than anything to see that she does not have to be where she came from. It is her choice where she goes. She has us, she has many tools to help her heal and she ultimately has God's love to help her heal.

This past week has been a roller coaster with trying to get her the help she needs. She has been in the behavioral health hospital for 10 days. And as of yesterday afternoon the hospital wanted to discharge her, but the psychiatric residential facility did not have a bed or the proper paperwork to even accept her as a patient. I started this process on October 28th and there were multiple beds available. At 1:00 yesterday afternoon I was informed that she would not be able to get into the PRTF until the last week of November and that she would be getting discharged. We could not locate a therapeutic foster home willing to take her with her violence and false accusations. Just the day before the hospital psychiatrist and psychologist sat down in a meeting and told us she was not safe to be in the community or even have us transport her to the PRTF and then we were faced with a real possibility of having to bring her back home until she could get into the facility in 3 weeks. I spent hours calling, emailing and texting anybody and everybody I could think of. It finally came to a head and I told the hospital& our therapist that I refuse to pick her up. I was informed if I did not that DSS would be called and we could have charges pressed against us and a DSS investigation would be open. My response was that I would rather have charges pressed against me than be dead. And within 3 hours all paperwork was sent to the facility that was needed. I immediately got on the phone again at 8 am. But 10:00 she was accepted into the program. I made a call into her representative with her insurance and he advocated on our behalf. By 2:00 her insurance who had 72 business hours to make the decision approved her. By 4:00the hospital agreed to keep her until Monday and arranged transport to the PRTF on Monday. Everything is in place for Sweetie to be admitted at 1:00 on Monday.

This program is completely different from her last. And I am grateful for this. The last program reinforced some really bad defense mechanisms. They taught her she didn't have to talk about her feelings, that she could just walk away anytime she got upset. Yes, if you are truly going to have a blow up you should walk away. But Sweetie lives stuck in an angry state. She does not know how to feel any other way. Being happy is scary and vulnerable. They are a lot more restrictive and structured. The program is structured for teens with severe trauma and sexual abuse histories. I feel really good about the program. I am praying this is where she can begin to really dig into confronting the demons that haunt her. Facing them is the only way she can move past them. She is really at a pivotal point in her journey. Her healing is in her own hands. I ask God to speak into her heart and let her understand the love that she has in us and him. I ask that she can see what a wonderful soul she has. She can have a life full of acceptance and unconditional love. She need only want that for herself.

This will be a long journey. But I know with all of my being that she can heal. She deserves to know true love. She deserves to have peace and she deserves to be happy.

Sometimes you get hurt when you are parenting a warrior

My daughter wears a suit of armor that has protected her the best it could when she was living a life full of danger. She has worn it so long it has become part of her. Over the last year she has removed small pieces. She has taken her helmet off so we could see her beautiful eyes and hear her beautiful voice. She has at times even taken off her gloves so that she could give you a genuine hug now and again. But then she notices how vulnerable she is becoming and puts her armor back on and when she feels extremely vulnerable she pulls her sword and attacks. This week that is what happened.

It rocked her to the core that I would not leave my husband for her when she had made accusations against him.  She began to question my loyalty to her, which ultimately resulted in her interrupting that as rejection of her. Sweetie's disorder centers around her negative self worth and shame. The perceived rejection became unbearable and triggered her biggest rage to date. Since the accusation Sweetie has become more and more unsafe at home. Threatening to blow the house up by sticking metal in the microwave. She started to randomly hit Cris and I, shove us& kick us. She would slam doors repeatedly and bang things on the walls for hours at a time. Even with therapist here. She would be waiting for Cris outside our bedroom door at 3 in the morning when he left for work.

Wednesday I came home from work late because we had our annual work Christmas card photo shoot. (Keep in mind while reading this next part, I was still wearing my costume). As soon as I walked in the door she started verbally abusing me and was being defiant. She grabbed the salt container and poured it out onto our dining room table. I asked he to stop and as always said "no you can't make me". So, I went over and tried to grab it from her hand. That was when she elbowed me in the face. From there she went to the freezer and started grabbing things and then the pantry. When she refused and cussed at me, I just said "That's ok, I guess you don't have to give you your allowance this week". (Natural consequence, right?) That set of a rage that turned into her destroying her room, including the dresser I just redid for her. She than began hitting herself in the face with a full length mirror. When I tried to take the mirror away from her she kicked through it and then attacked me. Cris tried to get her off me and then she attacked him. While she was beating on him, I called the cops. When she saw me again, she charged at me again and started punching me in the face. Landing several blows directly to my nose and mouth. Cris was able to yank her off and we were able to restrain her on the bed. At one point Cris let go of her legs when she seemed to be calm and she kicked me repeatedly in the stomach. After restraining her for a while, she calmed enough that we let her go. She got up and went over and started jumping on the broken mirror. I bent over to try to get it away from her and she punched me in the face again.

I was able to get away and we tried to block her in her room and then she began to throw things. She threw her tv and dvd player, tore pictures off walls and threw her full piggy bank at my head.

Then the cops arrived and she immediately settled. All she could say to me was I deserved it.

She was transported by police to the local mental health emergency room where they admitted her.

We are currently attempting to get her into a new Psychiatric Residential Treatment Facility  that specializes in traumatized children. We are praying that her insurance will approver her for a second stay. That may be a challenge since she already was in for 6 months. Recent behaviors qualify her for admission, but insurance is a whole beast unto itself.

I have spent the last few evenings really digging through her records, trying to find out what happened in late October or Early November that triggers her so much. I could see where she was moved from different foster homes during that time due to behaviors, so I know something happened that is triggering her. We need to find out what that is so she can process it. She understands this. She has put together the same things separately and said the same thing today.

Despite everything we still love her. Despite everything we have more compassion for her. And despite everything WE ARE STILL HERE and STILL HER PARENTS! That will not change. She may not be able to live with us for some time, while we get her treatment, but our goal is to get our daughter back home someday, if she can begin to heal and can be safe.

I have had some say that they feel I air our dirty laundry on this blog. I do not want anyone's pity for our journey. I do not do this for anyone's admiration. My husband and I are flawed individuals too. We are doing the best we can and we are failing. But we are trying. I write mostly for other parents out there, fighting the same battles to know, you are not alone! We are going through this and we are surviving! Our relationship with each other is actually strengthening. My faith in God and his power to heal my daughter has become unwavering. We are better people for adopting our Sweetie.
For that I can be grateful.



My friend Kim put this song on my Facebook page this week before the big blow up. It is a good description of how I imagine her subconscious is feeling. I pray that she can find an outlet to be able to come to terms with the trauma so she does not have to be the warrior anymore and she can allow herself to be loved and love in return.

The New Normal

I wish I could say that life after bringing Sweetie home has been great and everything I dreamed it would be. It is not what I dreamed, but it is mostly what I expected. My child lives in a world of constant hurt and fear. She mask this fear and hurt with rage.The years of abuse and neglect have taken such a toll on her little soul. Her body is stuck in the constant state of hypervigelence, where she is always waiting for the next attack. She doesn't yet know that the attack isn't going to come. She lives in a world where EVERY adult has hurt her or left her...until now. So why would she expect us to be any different?  Sweetie has been here a little over a month and we have had some pretty intense times. The longer she is with me, the more I see the Reactive Attachment Disorder (R.A.D.) and the more I realize that she has some pretty major sensory processing issues, that have never been addressed. So many of Sweetie's needs have not been met. She has been diagnosed with needing 2 root canals on adult teeth and needing several fillings. There is absolutely no excuse for this!!! Her dental care has been 100% covered for her. We now need to pay for an anesthesiologist to come into the pediatric dentist to do IV sedation because she will be unable to handle having the dental work done. A huge THANK YOU goes out to Kim for taking Sweetie to the dentist for her cleaning. I know it was not easy!!! All of Sweetie's visits to doctors/dentist have been awful.Like it is when you take a toddler to get shots, only my toddler is 12. Her control issues create a world in which she is confrontational & defensive constantly. There is so little joy in her. But there are moments. I try to create as many moments as I can. This past week, I drove home wearing a faux mustache beeping the horn and waving at people. She was laughing so hard she almost pee'd. These moments are so far and few. But they are awesome when they do happen.

When I started this journey to become a mom it was all about filling my needs. Now my needs are non-existent. I truly see this as a life or death situation for Sweetie. If she was not matched with us I truly believe she would fall into a life that would surely end her life at a young age. I know that there are going to be many bad days until we can help Sweetie heal.

Today was one of those really really bad days....

We had attachment therapy scheduled, like we do every week. I prepared her like I always do. This morning I tried to make it extra special by having her help me make sugared donuts. She seemed to enjoy this activity, but then refused to eat. Like I do for every time we need to leave the house I give her the 30 minute, 15 minute and 5 minute announcement. At the 5 minute mark she announces that she is not coming. So, I take a breath and pull out some "Love and Logic" parenting and state you have 2 choices, you can either get dressed and walk to the car or I can carry you. I waited 5 minutes and she did not move and repeated that she was not going. I then grabbed a blanket and proceeded to attempt to pick her up. I am glad to say in the last month Sweetie went from weighing 69 pounds to 78. But sadly that 9 pounds had made her more difficult to pick up. When I attempted to pick her up it started a rage that kicked through her bedroom door , put a hole in the wall and broke her phone. The thing I came to realize during today's rage is that when she is in one she is reliving the past traumas of her life as if they are happening right now. An example of this is while she is on the ground thrashing around she is screaming bloody murder for me to stop kicking her, even though I was several feet away from her. Eventually we were able to get her into the car where she continued to verbally lash out, calling me every name in the book, telling me that I am never meant to be a mother and that is why I could not have children, she called me a child abuser and that I was going to hell for what I am doing to her. It took her several hours to get completely regulated after this. I was glad in therapy that our therapist agreed that I did the right thing by attempting to pick her up. 

I know that the closer she gets to feeling loved the more her defenses go into overdrive. This is the stuff they do not prepare you for in MAPP classes. They don't show you the real pain behind the children's cute faces. 

But after it all there is still HOPE! God, is really showing me that in my journey with Sweetie. It is in the small things but HOPE is still there. It is when tonight she sat on the bed with Cris & I and with tears in her eyes said that she wishes we could see how sad she feels for what she has done today. That she knows that saying sorry does not fix things. But she wants to fix it. This is my HOPE!!! Many children with RAD have no remorse at all. They do not care if they broke something or hurt someone. Sweetie does!!! For that I am grateful. I am also grateful that she learned her lesson from this that I do follow through on what I say. While we were sitting on the bed, I asked so next time I give you a choice to walk or be carried what do you think you will do. She responded that she was absolutely going to walk. 

Sweetie will be working hard to earn the money to repair the door and the wall. She feels the need to fix the damage. Before we even had a chance to discuss with her our plan to pay for the door, she brought it to us that she knows she needs to repair the damage and was asking about what we thought it would cost. 

The day was exhausting as most are now a days, but in the end we had growth. That is what matters right?

Here is a video for Kelly Clarkson's newest Dark Side. Music is a big part of how I get through to Sweetie. I have very intentionally picked music playing most of the time. I love when I hear her singing part of the songs. I know the messages are sinking in. 

Week 3

You know what is amazing? That I can not remember my life before Sweetie right now. All of those moments that I was freaking out over something that wasn't going how I expected during the approval process seem almost as if they may have been a dream. I can't even remember what specific things had me upset. Every moment of everyday is now about meeting her needs. This hole of needs that will most likely never be filled. But I will keep trying. This week was a trying one at times, but fun at others. Adjusting to being the mom of a special needs teen is most definitely a difficult one. But this warrior mom is in for the long haul and we will get through this. We are taking it minute by minute around here.They do not tell you of these things in your adoption training classes. But than again if they did, how many of those people would have still done this?
The good news is no violent tantrums this past week. So we are better than the week before!
Her needs are becoming more and more evident every day. And every day my heart breaks a little more.
My daughter is so wounded that she is in a constant place of mad and sad. I have probably only seen her really laugh 3 times in 3 weeks.
As I have mentioned in previous post my daughter has been diagnosed with RAD. From our initial contact, I thought it was a misdiagnosis. But the longer she is hear, the more I see she is textbook. Unfortunately for RAD kids (sometimes called RADishes) have the need to have control of everything around them or they feel as if they will perish. It is such a primal response and extremely unconscious to them. If they are in control, they feel they can't be hurt. We had a lot going on this week with her constant battle for control against anybody or thing. To be honest it is exhausting. But with God's grace we make it to the end of each day.
I sat in church this am listening to the music as I rubbed Sweetie's back and it just hit me, how much hurt she feels constantly. It was a bit overwhelming to even just think about. I can not imagine how she can even function, with the constant feeling of not being safe, always feeling like I am going to hurt her or send her back. I can try to reassure her all I want, but it doesn't change the fact that many times people have said exactly what I say and they sent her away. During therapy yesterday this came up. How everyone sent her on to the next family because she was a bad kid. It is so sad that she really believes that she is bad and she perceives everything as being an attack against her. This makes parenting a challenge. I have to be so deliberate in every word I say and every action because it is being watched and she is just looking for me to fail her, just like everyone else has.
We head to NY Friday to visit family. I am excited and scared all at the same time. I worry about the airport being overwhelming, I worry that she may not be able to handle meeting a bunch of new family, I am am afraid she will be jealous of other people and have a huge tantrum at my parents 25th Anniversary party this weekend. But I can not live in fear. I have to face it and overcome any challenges that arise.
I hope this does not come across as a rant. I knew what I was getting into and I am still here. And I wll remain here.
As always I am grateful for my wonderful support system. I am especially grateful to friends who have been helping with child care and for the wonderful meals that Warehouse ladies have been bringing us!

Great song that they performed in service today.