Trauma work is hard work. For kids like my Sweetie, there are years and years of neglect and trauma that has built up huge walls. This video is the story of kids just like Sweetie. The video was incredibly hard for me to watch, but it is a story that needs to be shared. These scenarios are more common than you can imagine.
We have progressed to overnight visits with Sweetie. It is hard for her to transition back home. She is doing well in the program and with me one on one most of the time. However, she is awful to Cris. Most of the time she ignores him and when she does talk to him, she is hostile. It is really hard on him. She has found in the past if she pushed hard enough that parents will leave. That she would pack up her garbage bags again and move onto the next home. But we are not giving up on her. But there will never be moving with garbage bags again. I believe she is starting to have hope that I am not going anywhere.
I often receive compliments for sticking with Sweetie. I know most people see her actions and just think of her as a damaged girl. But she is strong and she is resilient. She is capable of learning to receive and give love.
This past week in therapy she really started discussing some of her trauma. Things I had never heard before. During the session she did surprisingly well. Almost too well. And then when the session ended and I had to leave she had a breakdown. She was upset for hours. I so wish I could have been there to comfort her. That would have been a good time to bond. That is one of the downfalls of her being in a program. So, as I mentioned earlier, Sweetie is doing well in the program. If she continues to do so she will be getting discharged in early May. I am concerned with finding someone to watch Sweetie this summer and after school again. I was considering asking my employer to go part time or find a part time job so that I can be available to watch her myself after school. I was trying to line something up, so I could talk to my employer and if they couldn't work with me, I would have a back up plan. One of the places I forwarded my resume to contacted my current employer. My employer than confronted me about it. Now I will have to wait to see if they let me go. Many employers get rid of employees that are "Looking" for other employment. Which is why I was looking for a backup plan. I know asking to do part time leaves me vulnerable to being fired. But now by trying to protect myself, I may be losing my job. It doesn't make sense to work full time, when it cost more an hour for a care giver for Sweetie than I bring home. I have been and will continue to pray for God to show my path. To reveal the path that is best for Sweetie's healing. The next few years are so critical in her healing. The wrong decision on my part could hurt her and I don't want to fail her. I know God has a plan and I am choosing to trust his plan.
The quote below is from the video and how I truly wished my girl could truly feel this way. This is the healing I want for her. This is the healing I am trusting God for.
"This is my past, my history, my story. It is not my fault. It's not because of me.
It doesn't have to be what defines my future."
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