I Lived

This past week I turned 40.... I remember a time when that seemed old. Every big milestone birthday you can't help but sit back and reflect on your life. Lord knows my life has been a roller coaster but I can definitely say that I have no regrets. Every step, every "mistake" and every loss led me right here to this point in my life. And honestly I can not imagine not being here. I can not imagine a life where Sweetie was not my daughter and I was not about to be the parent to a new baby boy.
I am really happy that last weekend we were able to move our expectant mom, husband and 5 year old son into their permanent home and they were able to get a car. This is a life changer. Having a car means the ability to get a job. I am really hoping this is the beginning of a better life for them.

 It's about time we come up with a nickname for him. My husband loves gladiator movies and shows, so for this blog I will refer to our son as Spartacus. This is a joke in our house and I will get a good chuckle every time I write it, but it works. So we are just 5 more days away from Spartacus joining our family. I will be running around like a crazy woman the next few days. Doing all the laundry and making a months worth of freezer meals. Thursday is our final doctors appointment before delivery day and Friday there is Pre-op testing. So lots of driving around. I spoke to the hospital today to check if I could bring pumped breast milk. They were very accommodating. They are hoping to have a separate room for us. If they can't because of being full, they do have a separate room with a couch and TV off the nursery we can use. I am really excited be able to be in the room when Spartacus is born! I wish I knew the best way to support our expectant mom. I know how incredibly difficult this day and time will be. I know that there will be many times through out her life that she is struck with grief from the effects of this day. In all of the excitement for adoptive parents, most often forget the other parties involved. Adoption has beautiful aspects, but it is also painful. I have been wrestling with this a lot lately. I have grown to love our expectant mother. She is a sweet soul who has had to deal with a lot of loss herself already. I wish there was something I could do to lessen the pain I know she will feel. I wish she did not have to suffer for us to have a dream fulfilled.

Sweetie is ready to be transitioned down from PRTF to the Intensive Alternative Family Treatment. They have been having difficulty locating one. This has been our problem in the past as well. Sweetie's disorder allows her to thrive in an institutional environment, but she falls apart in the home setting. We continue looking and I am hoping something comes through. The insurance company has agreed to continue her approval for PRTF until we can find something. But realistically they can only keep her so long. I am trying to stay hopeful that everything will work out how it should.

A couple of weeks ago I had a beautiful baby shower. I am blessed with so many amazing friends who support us with both of our children. We had a lot of fun, the food was delicious and there were so many little details that made the day very special!

 

So, here I am...40 a mom of a teenager and soon to be mom of a newborn. I can honestly say that I have truly lived my life. I have lived it being lead by my heart and it has lead me to a pretty awesome place. And I feel that I have been incredibly blessed!

Love Never Fails

Love is patient, love is kind. A popular reading at weddings. I even used it at my own wedding. The words are sweet and are a wonderful guide for any marriage. But these words are even more important when parenting a child from tough places. Some aspects are easier than others for me to live out with my relationship with Sweetie. But what I am really struggling with is keeping record of wrongs. The trauma that has occurred to us as a family over the last 3 years has really built up and created a stress response in me. The minute Sweetie begins to raise her voice or get oppositional, I go into defense mode. As much as I know in my mind that this does not help anything to react, but it is a subconscious reaction. I pray that I can overcome this response, so that I can be the parent that Sweetie needs. And even though her healing has many seasons of growth and setbacks, I believe that Love Never Fails and that some day she will find healing. It may not be immediate but I do believe that it will be.

I am looking forward to the new phase of our life. Bringing a baby into our home will bring so much hope and love. I know there will be challenges. But we are up to the challenges. Things are going as good as possibly can with the adoption. The Indian Tribe has given official word that they will not be contesting the adoption. Our baby's birth mom married her high school sweetheart and he has already signed consent for the adoption. At this point the only unknown is the birth father. He is still MIA and that is fine. Most likely he won't show and an ad will have to be run in the news paper to try to locate him. But even if he does show and contest the adoption, he won't be able to get custody because he has not been there during the pregnancy to support the birth mother. We have proof that he is aware of the pregnancy, so our bases are covered there. I have been seeing the birth mom at least once a week. It has been really nice to get to know her and her son.
This past week, she also did preliminary paperwork for the adoption and worked on her birth plan.
She listed the baby's name to be exactly as we are going to name him, including our last name.
Her birth plan includes me being in the OR with her during her C-section and then the baby will be handed to me. The baby will be in a room with Cris and I, while she will be in another room down the hall. At this time she does not want to see the baby at all for a couple months. After that we plan to have communication. I know this will be hard on her, but I believe she has comfort with us as parents.

I am still blown away that our dream of having a baby is becoming a reality. After we had given up all hope of being able to adopt again, God has given us this amazing gift. This has been an amazing whirlwind of events that have brought us to this place and has provided the means for this adoption to happen. We are so grateful for all who have supported us and showered us with love and support. Showing us that Love Never Fails.

Getting There

 

This time last year we had reached the lowest point in our family. We were completely broken. Sweetie was refusing to see us. As I blogged about earlier this year I had picked a word for the year, and that word was Wholeness. Wholeness for our girl, that she could heal enough to accept our love and accept being part of our family. Little did I know what wholeness would look like for our family. Sweetie's journey to wholeness is still in progress. She has had such amazing growth this year. It has been full of ups and downs. And we still do not know if she will ever be able to come home permanently. But we love her and will continue to get her what ever help we can to continue to put the pieces of her heart back together. The last week has been a whirlwind. Sweetie came home for a few days for Christmas. Christmas day was tough but the rest of her visit was pretty good. Better than I thought it would go. She is doing well in her program and is on track for stepping down to a specialized therapeutic home. This home will simulate our family dynamic. It will be interesting to see how she does there.

 

This week we helped set our expecting mother (EM) and her 5 year old son up with a place of their own, allowing them a fresh start. It has been awesome getting to know her. She is super sweet. I am really hoping that she will keep communication with us after the baby is born. Cris and I are getting rather attached to her and her son. The generosity that we have experienced by so many has been amazing. We received enough items to furnish a small home for her. It blows me away how God continues to bless our journey. Just 3 1/2 months ago we thought it would be impossible to expand our family and now in 10 weeks we will be adding a baby. And yesterday, New Years Ever I was able to go with EM to her ultrasound yesterday and I was able to see that baby that will be our in just a  few weeks.

 

and then I got to see that it is a ....

 

 

Our family will become whole. It is amazing how God has taken my word "Wholeness" further than anything I could have dreamed of! We are not completely whole yet, but we are getting there! And we could not have gotten to where we are without all of the love and support of so many.

We have been incredibly blessed with amazing friendship this year.

 For 2015 my word will be Joy. I can not wait to see what this year has in store for us!



 

Hope in Front of Me ( Meeting Baby's Bio Mom)

I should be ecstatic, I met our baby's birth mom! I will call her Ms. J.  She is such a sweet soul and I instantly wanted to take her in and protect her. She like myself has experienced great losses in her life. She like me, is not bitter about them. We were both so nervous to meet each other. I know I was a wreck for days. She is very petite with a cute southern drawl. We met her, her 5 year old son, her mama and her mama's boyfriend. They were all very nice to us and welcomed us into their home. I can't really put into words exactly how I am feeling. Yes, I am so excited to have our dream of having a baby become a reality! That part of me makes my heart want to leap out of my chest. But I now have a profound sadness in my heart. I was able to spend several hours with Ms. J and her son. She is such a good mama and it is so obvious how much love she has for him. She is just not in a place in life where she can take care of him and a baby. That is what weighs so heavily on my heart. This is just a young, sweet girl who is doing what is best for both of her children. It really is such a selfless act. One that I can not imagine facing. That takes such amazing strength. A different strength than I possess. I have such love for this young lady already. Not only for choosing us to be the parents of her baby, but because she is worthy of being loved. She was so sweet when I tried to buy her some maternity clothing. She did not want to insult me and not pick something, but she also did  not want to take advantage of me either. Most people would have tried to take advantage. But she truly did not.
She goes in for her next check up this Wednesday and hopefully they will do an ultrasound! SO I am hoping in 2 days to know if it is a girl or boy.
I have so much hope for this adoption. I hope for how this baby will make our family whole and I have hope that this will be the first chapter in Ms. J's life that will begin to flourish and thrive. Please continue to pray for us. We are about $2500 off on our fundraising still, but we are getting there. Pray for the health of the baby and for the process to continue to go smoothly. Mostly pray for Ms. J and her sweet son during this time. Let them feel that they are loved.
We meet with our social worker this week and next week and then she can submit our home study. This is so much more organized than our last adoption and I am so grateful for that!. I have so much hope for her and for us.

No Fear In Love

What an incredible time of uncertainty that we are facing right now. Life as I now know it is on the verge of being flipped upside down again. Where there were many speed bumps on our journey to bringing Sweetie home, there are few on this journey. Our only bump was finding out that the mom is part Cherokee. At first I thought we were done. Due to Indian Children Welfare Act, the tribe gets to determine where the baby goes. Before a child could be adopted by a non Indian family they would have to attempt to find a Cherokee family to adopt the child, if a Cherokee family wasn't availible than any Native American Indian family. finally if a family could not be located than the child could be adopted. Luckily the family checked with the tribe and they do not want to claim this child. So we only need our lawyer to send a letter to the tribe getting that statement in writing and that part will be over.
Fundraising is going well. We have raised over $3000 so far. We had written a letter to the babies birth mom and are waiting to hear back. She is nervous about what to write back. I can't blame her for that. I too am nervous of our communications. What If I don't ask the right questions, what if I am too pushy? What if??? There are a million what ifs! My natural tendency is to be sucked into the spiral of what ifs. But this time I am not going there. In every part of my being I know that this child is to be in our family. I do not know the reasons why or why now. I just know it to be and I am ok with that. There is so much to do. Our biggest challenge us fundraising. Several of my uber talented friends have been donating their time and resources to provide various homemade items to be sold at a holiday Sip n Shop. I have also received amazing items and services to be auctioned off this Thanksgiving weekend! I have been blown away by the generosity of so many! I can not wait to showcase all of these beautiful items made with such love in order to bring our baby home!

I started the blog entry a couple nights ago and didn't finish. Then tonight I received our first call from the babies birth mother. I was so nervous and I think she was too. She was very sweet. We are hoping to meet her in a couple of weeks. I was able to find out that the due date of the baby is March 14th. She is not sure of the sex yet, but will at the next doctors visit. She thinks it is a girl.

Things with Sweetie have really taken a good turn over the last month. We have been completely honest with her about the adoption. She wasn't too excited at first. She worried that we would not love her any more and she was more worried that we would be able to afford to buy her as much clothing as before.  Now she talks about being a good big sister and how she is good as long as we don;t expect her to baby sit!  Ever since we told her about the adoption there has been a major change in her. She is working on healing and I mean really working! She is working on her trauma history with a therapist for the first time ever! I have the therapist all of Sweetie's records to begin working through with her.They began going through the many DSS abuse reports. I know this is painful for her to read, but it really seems to be connecting the dots for her. She has also been making great strides in her relationship building with not only me, but with Cris. We have had weeks of good communication, good therapy visits and good visits. Even when we discuss hard topics she is able to maintain her composure and talk. I am so proud of our girl! We are really looking forward to bringing Sweetie home for a 5 day visit next week.

As the year is starting to draw near to the end I have been reflecting on my word for the year Whole.
My prayer in January was for me to work on my wholeness and for Sweetie to begin to her journey to wholeness. I had no idea what God had planned for our shattered family. But now I see how he mending our girls heart and making our family whole in a way that is so much greater than anything we could have imagined.

Growing Our Family

Dear Family &  Friends,

            We are so grateful for all of you who have been there for us on our journey with our girl. God has truly blessed us with an amazing support system. It has been on our hearts for some time to adopt again. We finally decided that we were going to trust God and move forward with adopting. Last time it took a year to get our home study approved and another year to bring Sweetie home. So we figured we could get money together in that time. I posted on Face Book “ Really feeling my heart being pulled hard into adopting again. Praying for God to show us the path to do this”.  Within minutes I was contacted by a friend that she knew someone that was looking for a family. To make a long story short, the mom said YES choosing us adopt her baby!  The baby is due this spring, which puts us in a huge time crunch for getting money together. But we have faith that if God wants us to have this child, he will provide the means to bring him/her home. We need to raise about $10,000-$15,000 to cover homestudy, legal fees and post adoption placement visits. This is a minimal amount. Our most immediate need is raise $2000 by November 1st and then an additional $5500 by Dec 1st. The remainder will be needed closer to the due date.

            We are asking that everyone joins us in prayer for the Ms. J(birth mom), the baby and for God to provide us with the Financing we need.  We are also asking that you consider financially supporting us bring this child home.

 I have been praying on how to best raise this money. We are going to do 3 things.

1. Many of my massively talented artist friends are donating fantastic items that we will be doing an online during November. (just in time for Christmas! )

2. On November 23rd  I will be selling scarves, homemade heating pads and art by a few of my friends and myself at a Sip and Shop in my neighborhood.

3. 200 Envelopes of Faith

What to do:

1) Pick an envelope (or two if the amount you want is no longer available) and post in the comments here or on the comments of this post in FaceBook, which ever one you chose.
I will update the envelopes that have been selected.

2) Donate. Click on the Go Fund Me link. You can also donate directly to us by check. Just private message me for our address.

3) Share your donation on your FB page or email a link to this page to your friends. Lots of people feel spiritually and personally moved to help others adopt, but they themselves are not in a position to adopt. Let’s spread the word!

4) Want to get a group together to fund an envelope? That is a great way to knock out the bigger numbers.

No matter what, please keep us in your prayers.

Also, if you are going through infertility or adoption, we want you to skip helping us in this way because those are big expenses. We know! Just pray and share. We want to support you too!

Thank you for the love and care and support. We couldn’t do it without you!

With Love and Faith,

Jenny & Cris

Steady Heart, Steady Faith

It has been a while since I have updated the blog. Part because we have been busy and part because I feel like it I would be writing more of the same things as I have for the last few years.
Sweetie is settling into her residential program. I love the program. They really understand her diagnosis and they approach things much differently than she is accustom to. This is good because she can't manipulate when she doesn't know what to expect. Equine therapy has been very helpful. They let the horses pick the student they will work with. The funny thing is the horse that picked Sweetie is the most difficult, stubborn horse they have... I had to laugh at that! Sweetie has been getting a good taste of her own medicine. We went up to Asheville again this past Wednesday. It makes me sad, she continues to pull away from us. She still tries to control everything. But, I can see improvements in her behavior. In the past most therapy sessions involved hours of tantrums. Now she can get through a session and instead of destroying property or slamming doors, she cries. She is now able to get herself regulated in a few minutes and then she can move on. So there is progress! Sessions are still tough because she has such a hard time talking about anything that she thinks may reflect on her in a negative way. It is emotionally hard because it is so obvious how uncomfortable she is in her own skin. Her self confidence is so low she still feels like we don't want her and don't love her. In her core she feels unworthy of love. This breaks my heart for her. She has found an activity that she actually enjoys out  there. Building model train modules! She is really good at it too. I hope it  will help to build her self esteem up. She is beginning to understand her own disorder and starting to learn how to live with it. I will always worry about her, She is my child. I can only pray for God to continue to heal her heart and hope for her path in life to be easier than the beginning.

Over the last few months the longing to have more children has been increasing. I had given up hope that we would be able to add to our family. We can't adopt from foster care again until Sweetie is out of the home and we just knew there was no way we could ever afford to adopt domestically or internationally. The loss of Leah going back to her bio mom 3 years ago still very present on my heart.  A couple of weeks ago I was at an adoptive mom's retreat and I listened to story after story of these women and how God provided the money for their adoptions through fundraising. I know many times I have given towards various adoptions, but I had never thought about doing it for myself. My pride stood in the way. The following weekend  Cris and I had a lot of discussion on moving forward with trying to adopt. We agreed we would take a leap of faith and trust God will provide us with a child and provide us with a way to adopt the child. Sunday of last week I posted on FaceBook that we felt we were being called to adopt again. Within 30 seconds I had a private message of a young woman who was in need of a family for her unborn child. We are in the process of getting information to her to see if she would pick us to be this family. If chosen we have about 6 months to raise the money needed to adopt. We have received so much support from friends. My first fundraiser is going to be an online auction. Several of my very gifted friends are donating awesome items. I will have paintings, scarves, a handmade quilt, hand knit cable knit blanket, metal artwork, a 90 minute massage, Oakley Sunglasses, a designer watch. And we are in the beginning stages of collecting. I am going to start the auction in November, so that people can get these items as gifts for Christmas. I have another friend from church who is hosting a Noonday Collections trunk show November 15th to benefit our adoption. We are praying that this baby with be our child. We have longed for a baby for years. I have faith that if this is not our child that God will bring a child to us that is meant to be in our home. I do not know God's plan is or his timing. But, I know with all my being that we are meant to have more children. Please keep us in your prayers and if you are lead to, we ask that you help support us in our journey to adding to our family.

It's Always Darkest Before the Dawn

The last 2 times Sweetie was discharged from PRTF's I knew in all my being that a group home was NOT right for her. And we found out I was 100% right. They are not equipped to deal with a child who is gifted with the defense mechanism of manipulation. Immediately they were wrapped up with her sweet smile and childish voice. They voiced many times over the month that they didn't understand why she was there and she didn't need to be in a PRTF. The issue must be me.
In that month she managed to talk staff into buying her 6 inch heels, several inappropriate and a bikini. First, my daughter is 14 and should not be wearing any of those things. Second, my daughter already has everything she needs and most of what she wants ( except for the above items).
In the time was she was there she became more disrespectful and convinced herself that she wanted to live in a group home and did not want a family. She became very vocal about this. She could not understand that it is not an option. Sweetie is still of the mentality that we are just a place where she is passing by.
I am glad she only had to stay there a month. Last Sunday we drove her to he new PRTF in Asheville.
I absolutely loved the facility. It is beautiful and peaceful. As we were driving past the horse barn to her cottage Sweetie said I think I will like living here. We spent about 3 hours with the admission team. I left feeling this was the place where she really could begin to truly heal. I loved her Case Worker. She understands Reactive Attachment Disorder. At one point in the process she looks at Sweetie and said " I am really sorry honey, but you have one really difficult diagnosis, you are going to have to work really hard if you want to get better". Their whole program is different than anything we have worked with before. Instead of the cookie cut out levels system, they have 5 Elements (Water, Fire, Earth, Wind & Spirit),that they work on and the students pick which element to work on. With the exception of Spirit; that has to be last. To my surprise Sweetie picked Fire; which represents anger control and is the most difficult element for her to work on. Sweetie is honeymooning there right now. Which is mostly because everything is unlike anything she has ever dealt with. She has called us every chance she could this week and each time she actually talked to me. She was excited to tell me about the model train building class and her horse Red.
She already likes her therapist and I have agreed to give her therapist Sweeties records, which includes all of the DSS reports that detail a lot of the trauma Sweetie endured. She has blocked so much out of her mind in order to survive. Sweetie has been wanting to see them. I am hoping that she can finally process some of this and finally begin to move forward with her life.
I am feeling at peace about this placement. I am looking forward to seeing how Sweetie begins to grow.

Try Try Try...Try again

As most things that involve Sweetie, we have hit lots of hurdles getting her into PRTF in Asheville, NC. The good thing is I have become an expert hurdle jumper. She was hospitalized 15 days this time. The mental health system is severely flawed. There is a complete shortage of facilities for teenage girls. Even though we started the process of getting Sweetie placed into the PRTF before she was hospitalized, they will not have a spot available in the cottage that is appropriate for her until August 5th. This past Wednesday the hospital called me and said they were discharging Sweetie. They agreed with me that she shouldn't come home because she would not be safe here, but she couldn't stay there. I refused to bring her home and they threatened to contact DSS. I called their bluff and I was able to get Sweetie's stay extended while we looked for an interim placement. This resulted with me ending up in a court hearing Friday am. We had found a group home, but the insurance company could take up to authorize the placement. Unfortunately, the judge was unable to legally find any reason to keep her but what he did do is call the insurance and told them they had to process the approval by the end of the day. Even though he could not court order and approval the call worked and we finally got the approval at 4:50pm on Friday afternoon. Nothing like cutting it close, they closed at 5:00 for the weekend. So at 9:00 pm we were dropping her off at the group home.
I had never seen a group home before. I am not sure what I was thinking, But I was shocked when I pulled up to this beaten little ranch house about an hour away from my house. We brought her inside and we were quickly directed to her room. She gets a room all to herself. I had a good chuckle because the room had large patched parts to the walls. They were not even painted. I just said "Hey baby, look, whoever was in this room had the same issues as you". I was told that she would not be able to contact us for 30 days. But then I received 2 calls within 3 days asking for me to buy her things and also asking if she could sell her stuff. I am so glad she will only be there 2 weeks. They love her there and view her as a stable sweet girl. They do not know the first thing about RAD. They do not know that she is a master manipulator and thrives on situations where she can triangulate.
Sweetie's therapist has been Amazing! She has worked so hard to make everything happen. Many nights working from home during her personal time. She took time off to come to court to speak on our behalf. She is one of the very few people in the mental health field that truly cares! There need to be more people like her. So as of right now. Authorization goes in for the PRTF tomorrow am. We could not send it earlier because it has to be done within 14 days of the admission. If the authorization went through quickly, it would expire before she was admitted. But now we are back to the same potential 14 days to approve. It is such a crazy system.
In the middle of all of this chaos, I received communication from a root canal specialist I interviewed with last year and he offered me a job. The hours are significantly less, which is awesome. I accepted.
There have been so many changes going on lately. It is time to start a new journey. I am hoping that this will be a fresh start for me and also for Sweetie.
We are still working towards getting Sweetie into the special program in Missouri.
I continue to try get her the help she needs.

Hope Will Lead Us On

Sweetie has only been home 4 weeks and she had to be admitted back to the psychiatric behavioral health center on Thursday evening. She sat in the ER observation until late last night when they finally admitted her to the unit. They can keep her there 7-10 days while we try to get her into a new PRTF (psychiatric residential treatment center). The problem is her insurance can take up to 14 days to approve her. I am getting an attorney involved in order to help push things along. 
I should back up a bit... last I wrote it was before her tonsil surgery. She had the surgery and did well for the procedure. As expected it was the recovery period that would be the problem. Sweetie became more violent both verbally and physically after the procedure. She tried to set Cris up for another false accusation by moving the camera in his man cave and then grabbing his hands and putting them on her chest. He immediately pushed her away and she slapped him and punched him in the stomach.
Luckily the camera still caught everything.  She had several temper tantrums that involved screaming and throwing things that week. Even after being told by the doctor no yelling and after I reminded her constantly not to scream or she could dislodge the clot in her throat from the surgery.
Thursday evening she started another of her rages because I asked her to go to bed. This escalated to her throwing a glass of water in my face, kicking at me and raising her fist to punch me. She then punched a window instead. She couldn't get under control so we had to call the police in yet again.
Once we called them she went in the bathroom and started to do her hair and put on makeup.
Our kiddo is so messed up, that looking good to go to the mental hospital is her priority.
Once the police arrived we were able to get her into our car to transport her.
She loved her time in the ER, she was the happiest I have seen her in months. Where most kids would be scared and crying, she is happy and excited. Her brain is hardwired so differently than the average child.
There have been lots of changes with Sweetie's insurance. Some bad, but one major good thing is they now work with a facility I wanted to get Sweetie into 2 years ago when she went into her first PRTF. This program has equine therapy and many other great programs. We should hear either tomorrow or Monday if she is accepted. Then we fight the insurance company for authorization.
We are getting a lawyer involved in this aspect.
After she is there we are going to try to get her into a longer program in Missouri that specializes in RAD.  This will be our biggest challenge yet. But I am faithful that God will provide the path for Sweetie to get in and for the funding. I am clinging onto hope now for her healing. Hope is all I have left.