Breakthrough

The last few weeks have been rough, really rough. So much so that I began to doubt that Sweetie could find healing. It has been weeks of 2 minute phone calls where she hangs up or is rude, yelling at me that she doesn't have to care about me and that she doesn't want me as a mom. I know with my head that this just the Reactive Attachment Disorder, but it still hurts my heart. Therapies have been painfully awful, full of hateful words from her and tantrums, while I sit there trying to be supportive and loving. Wednesday's therapy was particularly awful when she spent and hour throwing things and beating on this giant polar bear toy screaming and yelling that the bear needed to die as she beat the crap out of it. She was back to the point where everything I do or don't do is scrutinized. It was unbearable.
So, last night like every day at 5:00, I called her while driving home. And like every day for the last few weeks we had the same exact conversation. Me asking her open ended questions trying to get her to talk and her just giving 1 word answers or not answering at all. Then she will ask me to buy her several things, when I say no she gets angry and hangs up. Last night during my call Sweetie did her same not talk and then hang up. She talked to Cris at 7 and asked me to call. When I called back she said she was sorry but she knows I don't believe her. I answered that it hard to believe she is sorry when she keeps doing the same thing she says sorry for. she then started with arguing. I asked why she thought she felt so angry. She finally yelled out because I left her there. I told her she is right to feel that way. I would feel that way. I asked her if she thought being mean and hanging up made her feel any better. She didn't answer. I then asked what she thought she would accomplish by doing it. She said that we would send her to a foster home like one of her friends there. I immediately said That is not an option! She asked why not and I just repeated over and over again that it is not an option. I then said that the harder she pushes the more we are going to try, that she can not and will not push us away. She started crying and apologizing. Saying she doesn't know why she is like this. I told her that is what we are working on. She said she is doing great in the cottage just not with me. I told her that she needs to work with me on our relationship to come home. She said no that it is only her behavior in the cottage. I said honey this is not like foster care, other people aren't in charge of your life. If Papi and I saw you were working towards coming home we could bring you home, but if your working against us we can't see doing that. She said why don't you bring me home if you can. I said you are not ready yet. You have made good progress in your skills and learning to control your big tantrums and I am proud of that. But it is hard to see bringing you back home when you act like you hate us. It wouldn't feel safe. I asked her if she would like to start over? That we will forgive this last couple weeks that I hear her that she is angry about being there and I respect that and understand that. I told her that I love her more than anything and I will keep working and hoped she could too. She said she would try. We shall see. I thought this was pretty big. I would be interested to see how she processes this.
For now I will celebrate this small breakthrough. I know ity must be exhausting to live in her world. To be stuck in this fear, anger and unable to relax and just be loved. It must be awful to be caught in the grey.