Rest

Rest: relief or freedom, especially from anything that wearies, troubles, or disturbs.

Rest, something I am not accustom to. Until this weekend I do not know if I have ever truly experienced true rest. My life until now has been a journey with many rocks in the middle of the path. This past year has felt as if an avalanche of rocks has fallen on top of me. Each time I can get out from under the rocks, more have fallen on top of me. Leaving me broken physically, emotionally, spiritually. Being Sweetie's mom has been beyond anything I could have prepared for. The depths of pain that her little soul has carried for so long has spilled out of her into me for almost a year now. My mothers heart has been forged by all of the of the suffering she faces daily. The more love I pour into her, the more pain that ruptures out of all of the cracks in her defenses. I have collected all of her traumas in my own heart and there it took over filling every corner. I could only think to myself that I can save her. If I can just love her enough and get her the right therapy she will be healed. Oh, the arrogance I have had to even for a moment believe that I alone could fix her, make her whole. The more I have tried, the more my dear child has pushed away, as if it would surely kill her if she were to face her trauma. Trauma beyond anything I can imagine. The things I know of Sweetie's history causes me so much pain. I know that she has only shared a little, only what she can handle without dying from the pain. When it causes me so much pain, how could she possibly face it. So, I have taken on my child's burden as any mother would. I know there is no way that her little scared heart could begin to face the extensive neglect and trauma  by herself. It fills her with shame and that spreads to me. Creating the very situation she is so desperately scared will happen. The harder she pushes me away the safer she feels. This constant rejection has worn a path right through my heart. Leaving me exhausted, hollow and feeling unlovable.
Just as I reach the point where I felt I could bear no more, I came to the Warehouse 242 women's retreat. The theme was Rest. And how I needed this rest. Physically I needed to sleep. I still feel as if I could sleep for days. I went thinking I would relax, read and spend time with friends. That all sounded good.
But the rest I truly needed was the rest that only God can give by taking my burdens. But I struggled with letting them go. They are as much a part of me as my hair or my skin. I have proudly worn them like badges of accomplishments. This has cost me dearly, it has worn me to the point that I am ill most of the time. That my mind is in so many other places that I damaged my car door when I put the car in Reverse instead of Park. I was desperately in need of this rest. This rest took work and at times was uncomfortable. I had to face my own issues with abandonment and unforgiveness of myself.
 I spent hours in solitude and reflecting on my life, my path. Is my vision of my life what God's vision of my life is?. The song  "Spirit Speaks" resonated  most for me.

 

With every breath I breathe 

With every song I sing

I want to shout it out 

Lord I am listening

To every word You speak  

I'll go where You will lead

To love the least of these 

My greatest offering

To love the least of these is painstakingly hard. I still believe that adopting Sweetie is what I was meant to do. I believe we are meant to adopt again. I have prayed a lot on this.
I had received an email this past week about the possibility that Sweetie's 4 month old nephew may be needing to be adopted in the future and they wanted to keep communication open  as we are the closest thing to family that they can consider. I did not know the details  at the time until I looked Sweetie's sister up on Google to find her Facebook page again and I saw that she was missing again since mid March. I have gotten word that she is back again but was gone again.
She has started the cycle of abandonment and neglect all over again. But how could she not? This is all she knows of love...that love hurts, love leaves.

 It would not be easy but we could do raise him and Sweetie. If we do not I fear Sweetie will lose one of her last blood relatives. I see that it may also be healthy for Sweetie to have an young child around to help her by having someone young to play with. She wouldn't have to feel shame for wanting to play with young children toys. This could let her have the childhood she never had.On the other hand Sweetie could be extremely jealous and potentially she could try to hurt her nephew. We would have to have all kinds of safety plans in effect. We have to make some major lifestyle changes. But we could do it. I am leaving it in God's hands. If the baby is meant to be with us than he will be. If not than he won't. We have been advised to update our home study and be certified as foster parents. We are going to prepare ourselves in case the situation does arise, we will be prepared. For now I pray for the path I am meant to be on will show itself.