Steady My Heart

Wish it could be easy 

Why is life so messy 

Why is pain a part of us 

There are days I feel like 

 Nothing ever goes right 

Sometimes it just hurts so much

Steady My Heart~ Keri Jobe

 I can not believe it has been a year since I last saw baby Leah. There are times I just weep for her and for the journey that we were never able to complete with her. What kind of personality would she have if she was still with us? What would her favorite toy be? What would her favorite book or song be? These are things that sadly I will never know. I wonder if this loss will ever become lighter or if I will always carry it with me? Do I even want it to go away? If it does will I forget about her as if she never was? A year later and I can still remember exactly how she felt when I would have her cradled in my arms for her breathing treatments, how she would laugh in the bath tub when she splashed in the water, the mischievous smile she had when she would tug on Oakley's hair. I am so blessed to have the millions of happy memories of her. I hope I never lose them.

And now a year later I am waiting on another loss with Sweetie leaving for treatment soon. I know with all of my mind, heart and soul that we are doing the right thing by admitting her into PRTF, but it still hurts. I feel like we will lose so much more time with her. We already missed out on 12 years of her life. I am happy we were able to experience Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas with her. But we will miss out on celebrating her first birthday with us. By the time she comes home she will most likely be 14. But I know if we continued trying to work at home with her each of these big events would be big explosions. We have been on the verge of one of her blow ups all week. You can just feel her tension in the air. She has been holding it together (mostly) because there is a dance at school she wants to go to and she knows that I will not allow her to go if she has a blow up. So instead she is being constantly defiant. She wakes up angry, literally kicking. Every interaction is negatively charged. We walk on eggshells just to keep a major blow up from happening. We are basically prisoners in our house. If Cris and I talk she buts in, if we try to hug she puts herself between us. Every movement is met with a counter move by her. We play this game of crazy chess every day. Just when we are about to win the chess board is thrown across the room into a wall
breaking all the chess pieces. I know it is time pick up the pieces now.

Monday I had a planning meeting for Sweetie's admission to the PRTF. We discussed our initial goals for her treatment, they were so basic. To accept no without a tantrum, to just listen, to trust that we will provide for her and she does not have to control everything. Things that most 3 year old children learn. But no one took the time to teach her. As she evolves in treatment our goals for her will evolve. My number one goal was for her to be able to truly accept love, to let it in, to let it embrace her and become part of her. To truly become our family. In my heart she is our family. I just want that to happen for her, in her heart. For her to deep down know without a shadow of a doubt that I love her unconditionally. I wish for her to just relax and trust that we will meet her needs and she can just be a kid. These are the things we are hoping she can develop in residential. I pray for her heart to begin to heal so that she can accept love.
 Last I heard they are expecting to admit Sweetie mid-month, which is next week. But I have not received an admission date. Which in itself drives me nuts. I am a deadline person. The whole process of adopting and now working the mental health system does not work on deadlines at all. I have to work hard to keep my ocd in check. I try to remain cool and calm, but I am really just a hot mess. But then again, I think we all are.