What a weekend. I just got home from the Created For Care Adoptive Moms Retreat. It was a fabulous weekend. It was busy but good. There were 5 of us moms from the area who met up there. It was so nice to have time for bonding and just being silly. One of the Keynote speakers
Carissa Woodwyck was amazing. She is a grown up adoptee. Her intense honesty was so heartfelt that you could not help but be moved by her. As she shared about her feeling of wanting to be heard, not just her words or actions, but her heart. To have her unspoken words be heard. To be there, to be present. I believe that was the biggest thing I was meant to hear this weekend.
This weekend was scattered with many moments of encounters that were meant to happen.
Some were fun and inspirational like the times I spent bonding with my friends (Kim,Linda, Karen & Cat). And then some were uncomfortable and pushed me to be the better person. One such moment was in a breakout session on adopted older children.
The session itself was a bit behind where we are in our journey, but the encounter I feel was meant to happen was right before the class. There were just a handful of us that arrived 30 minutes early (guess we didn't pay too close attention to our agenda). Kim and I are talking to the women present when the woman next to us ask if we had a plan B if it didn't work out. First I was kind of taken aback, thinking you can't give back a bio kid, why would you consider giving back an adopted child? And I shared that we do have a plan B, but it did not involve giving up our child. Our plan B was using an outside facility to help her heal, because we can not do it on our own. As I was speaking I noticed how frazzled she was and it hit me, she is most likely dealing with a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder. I asked if she had been working with an attachment therapist. She had no idea what I was talking about.
I was able to pull up an attachment therapist in her area on my Ipad and shared it.
I hope it is enough to get her the help she needs and that it may save a family.
After that, I spent a lot of time praying about whether sending Sweetie to a PRTF (Psychiatric Residential Therapeutic Facility) is the right thing to do. I still feel that is what we need to do.
This past week I went to see the facilities at a local PRTF that specializes is children with Reactive Attachment Disorder. I was encouraged to see how the staff seemed genuine in their caring about the children. They made me feel at peace that there is nothing that Sweetie can do that would surprise them. I felt at peace in their chapel which was draped in prayer chains made from all of the children who have stayed there over the years. Again, I believe God has his hands in getting her the help she needs. Sweetie is right on the cusp of being too old for the program, however they made an exception and accepted her even though she turns 13 in March. They have a discharge on the 31st and should be able to get Sweetie in the following week. I have all her paperwork handed in already. I am hoping to get a date for admission in the next day or so. I want to be able to prepare ourselves for her leaving our house for a while. The sooner we get started with treatment the sooner we can get her to begin healing. It will be sad in our house for a long time. Even though there are many bad times in our home there are also fun times. Times of laughter and silliness. Those are the times I will miss. But those times will hopefully return.
Today when I got home she says that she wishes she was going to residential. I wonder whether she says this to try to hurt me or as a defense mechanism? After this weekend away, I was able to look at things more clearly, without the fresh emotion involved. I know now more than ever that this is her best chance at healing. I pray she will see that I am not giving up on her. That I will be there each and every time I am allowed to be there. It may take time for her see that I am still here and I am not going away. But she will see... I am here, I do hear her. I hear her spoken word, I hear the meaning behind the behaviors, I hear her when she is quiet and saying nothing at all. I know what she feels in her heart, I know the pain and I am not scared. I am here. I AM PRESENT.
How I am loved I love my daughter...
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