We Remain

When I started thinking of being an adoptive mom I had no idea that I would become a warrior. When one thinks of a mother they usually think of kind, loving, nurturing. Not tough, exhausted and aggressive. Being a mom in general is hard, but being a mom of a child with any special needs requires you to become a soldier. You learn to endure almost anything. You  develop a crazy amount of patience. You learn to fight and I mean really battle to meet the needs of these kids. It may be researching for months, hunting down medications, fighting the schools for a good IEP or battling the insurance companies to get necessary treatment. All while trying to manage the rest of your life and not look like you have completely lost it. It can be exhausting and too often you feel absolutely alone. But you are not alone. There is a whole army of warrior mommas who are in the trenches with you. Although our battles are different and we each have our area of combat specialty, we are all battling everyday for our kids. I have been so unbelievably blessed to personally know many of these beautifully fierce women. They are mom's of kids with attachment issues, severe mental health issues, sensory processing issues, cancer, cerebral palsy, mitochondrial disease, deaf, autistic, HIV, dyslexia, cleft palates, spina bifida, down syndrome, children who had strokes and children born extremely prematurely. There are so many individual and complex issues that each of these beautiful, strong women battle with their children each day.  Even though each child's needs are unique, many of battles warrior moms face are the same. We often go without meeting our own needs, whether that be missing a meal, skipping a shower because you are simply just to tired when you finally get to sit down at 11:00 at night and most are sleep deprived. We have lost "friends" and given up dreams. We know the pain of being criticized behind our backs and also being told to give up to our faces. At times, we can feel as if I can not go on another moment longer. But then, one of our fellow warrior moms comes along side of us and lifts us up and helps carry the load for a while. Sometimes, it can be a kind word, a hug, a meal or a prayer. Other times it is showing up with a bottle of wine, doing your dishes or offering to babysit so you can get a rare date with your husband. We cry together in our dark times, we laugh at crazy things and we celebrate victories. We understand that even the smallest victory is still a Victory! We hold our fellow warrior momma's close to our heart. We feel their pain, we understand. We understand that each of us has sat down at sometime and thought " what did I do?" or "I just can't do this". We have stared defeat straight in the face on more times than any of us care to admit. But we have also experienced a joy that can not be put into words. We have strength that only overcoming obstacles can bring. This evening I have spent a long time reflecting on each of the amazing warrior moms I have come to know. Many in person and I proud to call friends. Some, I know only through social media. I am grateful for each and every single warrior mom. You are amazing and you inspire me each day. I have so much love in my heart for each and everyone of you. No matter what comes our way We Remain.

One Little Word

 

One little word that will impact a whole year. This year instead of making resolutions I know I won't keep, I have joined some of the women from my women's group in listening for a word for the coming year. The idea is to chose one word that represents what you most hope God will do in you and then you focus on that word the entire year. We had one of our women's group meetings at church last week and some of the ladies shared their words from last year. Prior to the meeting we had been sent a list of questions to reflect on in choosing our word. If interested you can find them here: ENROUTE BLOG

As I reflected on 2013, I could mostly recall it being a year of brokenness and pain. As we spent our first full year as Sweetie's parents I have discovered how broken our girl truly is and also how broken I am. The last few weeks have been especially difficult. She refused to see us for Christmas Eve. That was really difficult on me. It was another holiday without a child. Sweetie's level of rejection has reached an all time high. This means she is feeling her most scared. During most interactions with her, she is raging. Her monologues are laced with profanity and her topics jumps around second to second. Time is all jumbled together. She mixes events up that happened anywhere from yesterday to years ago. She has been working on some of her past trauma's in therapy so she has a lot of these memories floating around on the surface of her subconscious. I am sure this has brought her back around to grieving again. Our therapy this session this week was an hour of one long rage.  It really seems as if she is getting worse and pulling further away from us. I mostly feel this is due to the fact that we are only allowed to talk for a few minutes 3 times a week. And most times they don't put our calls through. So, when you have a bad phone call Thursday you can't talk again until Sunday. That is 3 days for her to stew. We never get a chance to build her back up and her shame is becoming greater and greater. Overall I have not been happy with the facility. I am really disappointed in most all of the staff. With the exception of the therapist. For some reason Sweetie has connected with her and has opened up to her.  And for this reason I have kept her at the facility. Today, I received and email from the therapist that she will be leaving. So I have no reason to keep her there. The loss of this therapist is going to be very difficult on Sweetie and I am sure going to create a huge set back. I am really disappointed, but I understand why the therapist is leaving. Which are very much the same reasons why I am not happy with the facility.

So, now I am doing what I do best and advocating for my Sweetie. I will be looking for a new facility for her and transferring her. That will of course be a very involved process.

This brings me back to my word for 2014. I kept coming back to 2013 being broken. This brought me to think of unbrokenness, except that isn't a real word. In our small group during the women's meeting we were sharing our potential words with our friends to narrow down our word. As we discussed this, my friend Amy suggested whole. I have reflected on this the past few days and I have decided that my word for 2014 will be whole. I want wholeness for myself and more than anything I want wholeness for Sweetie. I want her to be able to accept our love. I want her to feel happiness and peace. I want her to know she is safe and we have unconditional love for her. I want her to know God's love. There is so much that I want for my child. I will spend this year with my one Little Word. I am eager to see where it will lead us.

 

Love Is Christmas

I thought I knew what unconditional love was. But now I know my idea of it was not even close to what it truly is. After having one of successful therapy session we are back to awful. I knew it was coming and tried to prepare for it, but there is no real preparing for getting your heart broken....again.
We intentionally kept our gift giving to a minimum this year, because we knew no matter what we gave her, Sweetie would find a reason to be disappointed. And as expected she was disappointed and this time over shampoo. Weird I know.
First I should tell you I love stockings! Almost more than big gifts. I always thought they were fun and if you ask Sweetie about last Christmas, the first thing she would tell you is she caught me sneaking into her room at 4 am to put her stocking at the foot of her bed. And how she pretended to sleep until I left so she could rummage through it. Which is exactly what I did as a kid. I know this is a good memory for her. I put lots of fun stuff in her stocking. Lip balms, hair bands, nail polish, cute socks and cute gloves. She loves my Pantene conditioner, so this year I put a big bottle of that in there as well, since she doesn't have any at the residential facility. She opened all of her gifts with minimal response at all. She wouldn't even make eye contact today. She just opened her gifts and in a monotone voice made some kind of comment on most of them, mostly negative like "this is too big or it's not from Rue 21". Then she says "Where's the shampoo?' I just said it wouldn't fit in the stocking. She just said " Well I'm done, I'm going to take a nap". I could tell she was getting upset. She has tell tale body signs, like grabbing her ear or moving her chair side to side while staring at the ground and she gets a very sharp tone. We did not want there to be any negative memories for today, so we just let her go. The whole thing took maybe 10 minutes. No smiles, no laughter, just an empty girl, who wasn't pleased with anything we gave her. She has found a new way to reject us. From the outside most wouldn't think anything of this. People often make comments like "she is just a teenager, they are all like that". No, no they are not like her. Her actions are all calculated and manipulative. Each comment is meant to have a direct effect and meant to push us away. But they are also self preserving. In the words of my friend Melissa "Trauma Sucks". There is no other way to put it. It destroys our children's childhood and tries it's best to destroy their future. But I do not accept defeat in this. Yes today, trauma won. But the battle for my Sweetie is far from over. I will be honest, I am not really as strong as I appear. I do rally up my strength, but a good part of the time I am just a mess. I cried for hours today. I battle with wondering why I don't deserve to be happy, why don't I deserve a child who can love me back. I know in my mind that it is not about deserving, but my heart just longs for a family of my own to love and for them to love me. But adopting a child is not about having someone love you back. And in reality, Sweetie may truly love me. I know she does love me the best she can. And I will just have to accept that it is the best she can do. Her defenses will not allow for more. This is when I see what true unconditional love is. I receive nothing in return of my love. I am hurt over and over and I still adore this child. I can only credit God for this. This is not something I was taught or experienced. I am someone that has always tried to be perfect for people to love me. So I have always experienced conditional love. People love that I am funny, kind, a good cook and giving. But how many really love the hurt and dark me?  The one that no one gets to ever see, for fear of being rejected. My dear husband is trying so hard right now. He is the closest to seeing the real me, but I don't even show him the brokenness. He is sweet with his words and he is even humoring me by helping me prepare meals for the homeless. I feel at times like I react to him the way Sweetie is towards me. I know he takes the burden of my sorrow heavily. He wants nothing more than to fix it.

So, now I will get into the part of my weekend where I realize how I must really enjoy being tortured.
Every once in a while I check out the adopt nc kids website. Mostly to check if any of the kids we inquired about while looking for our children have been adopted. I want so much for them all to have loving homes. I wish the system was different and I could adopt several at a time. But it is not. You have to wait a year between adoptions and then the adopted child must be stable for at least 6 months.
Which means each time Sweetie gets hospitalized or spends time in residential our clock gets restarted from her discharge date. Back in September I wrote about the day I picked up Sweetie when she was discharged from her first residential treatment. The staff at the facility made an exception for me to come to chapel that day. Sweetie did not want to be seen with her mom, so I sat in a row towards the back by myself.  Then a group of the younger kids was brought in. And this little girl with big brown eyes sat down right next to me. I can still picture her hair in a ponytail and her banged up, scrapped up legs from playing outside. She was a bundle of energy as they sang their hymns. They showed a video of an interview of the kids at the facility about how they would make the world a better place. Sweetie did not participate in this project, she did not participate in many activities while there. This little girl was in the video and she said she would make the world a better place by using her super hero powers and shot her fist toward the camera. After the video, the pastor was discussing different ways of making others feel good and asked the kids to share a good memory from a birthday that they had. This girl looked at me and said " she never had one". That was the moment I knew I needed to more for these kids. They deserve to have birthdays and holidays. They deserve to be protected and loved. They deserved so much, but were failed, just like my Sweetie. At the time I thought this was finally "My Calling"! I thought I was meant to be a foster parent. Maybe I still am. So, I come back to the website. I was looking at it this weekend and I saw her picture staring back at me. Her bio so much like my Sweetie's. It is very common for kids like her to be available for adoption for years. Sweetie was 9 when she could be adopted and it took 3 years for her to get to us. Could we be this girl's family? Maybe we could show her unconditional love before it is too late for her and she is unable to accept it. I put out an email to Sweetie's therapist from the residential facility and she is going to pass it on to the girl's team. I know this is crazy, I know we (In the words of my mom)" already have a lot on our plate. It may take months or a year for Sweetie to stabilize and for us to add to our family. But I can't lose hope that we will have our large family. I know many will not understand this... why we would want to bring more chaos and potential pain into our lives? But in my heart I cannot find a reason not to. Does God stop loving all of his hurt children? The ones who strike out and try to hurt themselves, others and him. He has not turned his back on any of us. How can I turn my back on those who so desperately need parents. This is what I have found unconditional love to be. Isn't Unconditional love really what Christmas is about? It is not about the presents and the parties. For me, it is about loving one another wholly, unconditionally.

Wherever You Go

I know it has been a few weeks since I last posted. There has been a lot going on. The last 2 weeks have been very busy and also very tough. It started on a high note after Thanksgiving when Sweetie gave me this letter. It is a letter she did in therapy and I saw a big glimpse of Hope for our girl.

And like every other time my girl shows me some major affection, she does something equally awful to sabotage it. She must be really scared right now, because she is pushing us away harder than ever before. She is refusing to see us or talk to us again. But we keep trying. During this weeks family therapy she was something different. She wasn't out of control tantrumming like she normally does. This week she was very calculated, very deliberate and full of disdain.
As we were walking down the hall to the therapy room we could see her walking down another hall and she was laughing and waving to everyone. The minute she saw us, she literally flipped a switch and threw herself back. If you can picture trying to put 2 positive charged magnets, how they repel each other...that is how she responds to us. Her movements are extremely exaggerated. If we step toward her she will run completely around us to the farthest corner while yelling or screaming. is week therapist tried something, by letting Sweetie feel in control of the session. . Giving Sweetie control immediately backfired. She sat in the therapist chair and rhythmically banged the chair right to left hitting the drawers on each side hard enough to have them open and slam shut. She did this on and off the whole therapy session. She verbalizes that we have rejected her and calls us those people. We are no longer mom and dad. She dominated the whole session, cussing and yelling and then singing songs when asked questions. She says that she wants to kill rejection and that we are rejection. Does that mean she wants to kill us? I know that the Reactive Attachment Disorder is in full swing right now. She is getting superficial needs met through peer interactions and have limited contact with us, due to an issues getting through to her on the phone. To be honest she seems to be getting further and further away. She is constantly rejecting us now and in turn she is feeling that we are rejecting her. She has gone back to thinking we are doing things we are not doing or saying things we have not said. Cris and I said very little during the session because she was dysregulated and was saying she was going to blow. But that was last session. Luckily her therapist is open to trying things we know work. And what works is pushing through the uncomfortable and forcing her to deal with me. So this week it will be me and her in an empty room. The therapist will be outside.
I will do what I always do with Sweetie and I am going to be honest and level with her. She is usually receptive to this. I am not afraid of her hitting me, I know I can take her punches. So this time when she fights with words or behaviors I am going to push through with her. I am going to get through to her. She is going to see I am here, I have not gone anywhere, I am not going anywhere. If she wants out, she needs to figure out how to do that legally by getting emancipated, but that will be her choice. We are not giving up. I will tell her she is our family, we want her to be our family. If she wants to be part of the family, she does have to try to work to be part of it. I do not expect perfection. Lord knows I am far from perfect. But we do expect effort. IF she does not want to be part of our family than she does not get the privileges of this family. Which means no gifts, no trips, no fancy hair coloring/cut.
We are a good family, we are good parents and deep down she is a good girl. She is just scared to death of us rejecting her. She is trying to control that rejection. While in therapy and she was making a bunch of noise I asked the therapist several times, so that Sweetie could hear me "I wonder how long a scared girl can push and push until she realizes that these parents aren't going anywhere?"
This was an exhausting and heart breaking visit. It crushed both Cris and I.
I am pretty sure she heard me. Because the next day, she did call us.

She did not apologize but we did have a pretty insightful discussion.

I asked what she wanted from us besides buying her things? She said she didn't know. 

I asked what she was so upset about yesterday, that she was saying some really hurtful things and she said because we weren't buying her anything for Christmas. I asked her if I ever said that and she said no but you will buy me crappy stuff. I asked did I buy you crappy stuff last year? He said no. I asked did we buy you crappy school clothes and she said no. So I asked why would you think that now? She said she didn't know and that made her feel better.

I asked her what she needed us to do to make her feel loved and not rejected? She said she didn't know. I told her that is something to think about, because we have tried to buy her anything she ever wanted, we tried affection, we tried fun experiences. We are trying to just figure out how to show her we are here. But if she doesn't want to accept it, it is all pointless. 

She said she wanted to be with friends more and less therapy. I said when we can act like a normal family we can stop therapy. She said that we are not normal. I said you are right, I am not normal, Papi is not normal and neither are you and that is ok. We are not normal together. She asked me what I thought a normal family was. I said ones that are respectful, caring, forgiving, they don't yell at each other and they don't hit. They do still have disagreements but they talk them out and work on them. Unfortunately that was when her time was up for her call. We only get 10 minutes 3 times a week, and the first 5 minutes are usually her being distracted or asking me for things and me ticking her off by saying no.

It is so hard for me to say no. I love to buy things for people I love, that is my love language. Especially at Christmas. I see so many things I want to buy her. But this year it is 2 outfits, a winter jacket that she needs and a pair of pjs. As I finished up some last minute shopping today I saw so many things I wanted for her. When I envisioned being a mom I pictured all the things we could do, I loved the thought of having a girlie girl that loved hair and clothes and shoes. So did Cris. We would have given Sweetie anything. But sadly, she can not handle receiving good things. She sabotages them. So, this Christmas we are pretty much dealing with a tantrum either way. If she get's what she wants she doesn't feel she deserves it and sabotages. If she doesn't receive what she wants she gets triggered and feels we are rejecting her. We saw this last year, we got most of what she asked for. So much of it was never used and we gave it away. She had awful behavior for a week after the holiday.

This year, I have saved money and we will see how it goes. She is already saying it isn't fair. She is right it isn't fair. It is not fair that all this happened to her and that she has to live with the symptoms of RAD. IT's not fair  that we don't get to do things with our daughter and that she can't accept our love. The whole situation is not fair.

 

I am not sure what the next few weeks will hold, but I will be grateful when this holiday season is over. We should be in a trigger free zone for a while. Hoping then we can have some real progression with our girl. Sadly because of her behavior towards us she has not earned permission to come home during the holidays. And this makes me sad.

 

This has been one of my favorite songs for a while. I think of my girl when I am singing it.

 

There's a train leaving your heart tonight.
There's a silence inside your head and you're running you're running from it.
Down the tracks on a midnight line.
There's a red moon in the sky and you're running you're running from it.

But I'm coming for you, coming for you, wherever you go.
I'm coming for you, I'm coming for you wherever you go.

Wrestling angels till dawn breaks through
There's a blessing in the wound and you're running you're running from it.
When all your demons are at your door
it's a soldier they're looking and you're running you're running from it.

But I'm coming for you, coming for you, wherever you go.
I'm coming for you, I'm coming for you wherever you go.

I'm coming for you, I'm coming for you wherever you go
I'm coming for you, I'm coming for you wherever you go

Across the sea, the space between everything you think you know,
the things you keep and bury deep underneath the melting snow -
I'll follow.

Fathers & mothers don't always come through,
but I'm never gonna stop following you

Prophets and lovers don't always hold true,
but I'm never gonna stop falling for you

So, when your wine's all gone and your well runs dry,
Open your hands and look into my eyes; all that you see here,
you'll soon leave behind, so open your hands and look into my eyes

'cause I'm coming for you, coming for you wherever you go

I'm coming for you, I'm coming for you wherever you go [5x]

Yeah, I'm coming for you, coming for you wherever you go [2x]

I'm coming for you, coming for you wherever you go [2x]

Fathers & mothers don't always come through,
but I'm never gonna stop following you
Prophets and lovers don't always hold true,
but I'm never gonna stop falling for you 

Walls Come Tumbling Down

 But if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

Nothing changed at all?

And if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

You've been here before?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

 Pompeii~ Bastille

It is Thanksgiving and honestly I have been in a pretty bad funk. In preparation to adopt an older child, we have prepared ourselves in a lot of ways. I can't even count how many books I have read or cds I have listened to about all kinds of adoption issues. I know more about Reactive Attachment Disorder than most of the mental health workers we encounter. I know the more our daughter loves us the scarier it becomes for her and this causes her to push us away. I have written on this topic many times. Even though my head knows how Sweetie will respond to certain situations, my heart still gets hurt when she does respond in a negative way. Sweetie seems to be wanting to make changes in herself to heal. She has been participating in therapy, she says she believes we are good parents and doing everything we can. She says she needs to take this time to work on herself. I believe her. What is hard is when we try to visit her and she can only deal with being around us for 2 minutes without reacting in a negative way. I am not sure if it a control issue or if it is a shame issue. She can hardly look at us when we see her. I know she feels bad for accusing Cris falsely and for attacking me. She verbalizes this to her therapist and understands it is those actions that are why she is in the program. It is a good thing she is able to verbalize these things. 6 months ago Sweetie could not have done that. So, even though her behavior has been it's absolute worst, she is now beginning to experience some healing. She can recognize that she is doing these things to test us to see if we will really will stay and if we really unconditionally love her. She can admit that she is scared that she will chase us away. But she hasn't chased us away. Honestly it hurts awfully when she does this. It is hard not to take it personally. On days like today, I find myself relating to this song. When I close my eyes it feels like nothing has changed at all. When I close my eyes I feel like I have been here before. And I ask; how I am gonna be an optimist about this? If it wasn't for the faith I have that God has brought Sweetie to us because he could use us to help her heal, I would not be optimistic. Even with the true hope that I have, there are days that I have my doubts. But, I look back on where Sweetie has come from and what she has survived. My sweet girl is strong, she is smart, she is resilient and most of all she is loved. Her walls are beginning to come tumbling down, exposing the hurt child inside. When I was talking to her therapist yesterday she said something that no one has said to me before. She said that Sweetie is one of the few kids she has worked with that if it was not for her trauma, she would not have any mental health issues. That most of the other children she works with have biological mental illness. She believes if Sweetie had not gone through her early childhood trauma, she would have been able to have a life with absolutely no limits.

At first this made me profoundly sad and angry. I am having to really work hard on forgiving her others for hurting her so much that they have broken her spirit. They have shattered her soul. They have left a hole in her soul that nothing can ever fill. I pray that God's love can heal that wound.

I will be grateful for when the holidays are over, so we can get past all of the triggers for a while and Sweetie can get to a place of peace.

Surviving the Monster

 Fire only needs 3 things: An ignition, oxygen and fuel.

For about 10 years I was a volunteer firefighter in upstate New York. Most of the time I managed to get through things pretty unscathed. Then their were times that like when I managed to miss tucking a patch of hair inside my Kevlar hood and burned of a huge chunk of hair. Over that time I was able to learn a lot about fire and what a monster it can become. I came to view fire as a living breathing thing. It was born, it ate, it grew and eventually died. When tended to carefully fire can be a wonderful thing, providing warmth and light. But when abused or neglected it becomes uncontrollable and takes the form of a monster devouring everything in it's path. Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder are in some ways like a forest fire. They can start from careless mistakes of selfish people. Imagine young campers having a good time creating a campfire. For a while they tend to the fire, it is fun, it is a source of entertainment. But eventually time goes by and they get tired, bored, go to sleep and eventually leave. When the fire isn't being provided with fuel, it can spread to surrounding areas to feed. If there is no one there to care for the fire it becomes more and more destructive until it either runs out of fuel or someone steps in and smothers it. For our children with difficult past, no one was there to tend to their needs. The fire from their fear became anger and it grows to become an out of control rage. And like a fire that has smoldered for a long time just barely alive, they can blow when oxygen is reintroduced. In our journey with Sweetie love is oxygen and the things we have bought for Sweetie is the fuel that has fed her fire. For a child who has been deprived for so long of basic needs and love, the flood of love and gifts creates a scenario very similar to a backdraft. Unleashing an uncontrollable monster. This is what happened to my Sweetie. And now we are left with the aftermath. We are a family that is a pile of debris and ashes.

However there is still hope. Soon after the largest of forest fires, new life rises from the ashes.

Our family is already starting to see sprouts of new growth already in Sweetie.

I have already shared how hard it was to place Sweetie back into a PRTF( Psychiatric Residential Therapy Facility).and how this one is way more structured and is just a tougher program. We were to have our first family therapy session today, but were unable to because I caught the flu. Even in this misery, God has made good of it. When we could not go, it allowed Sweetie to do an individual therapy session that was monumental in her journey. After the session her therapist wrote to me the following:

It went fantastic, actually. Really pleased with how she responded. She said that she felt like she had never really had much individual therapy before and that she needs it. I had some discussion with her about RAD and what that means and why it isn't her fault that she's had some difficulties forming attachments. It made sense to her and she was able to recognize that RAD is why she tends to form very quick attachments with peers and becomes emotional when those attachments dissolve quickly. She also recognized that with each foster placement she has had, it has gotten more and more difficult for her to trust caregivers. We also discussed that she has trouble trusting men and worries that they will sexually abuse her. She identified that a big goal of hers is to learn how to trust and to learn what love really is when it's healthy. She believes that she needs more 'help' than you guys do and believes that you are good parents. I think she really can be successful here if we can continue down this line of thinking. 

This is the first time that Sweetie has taken ownership for her behavior or treatment. It has always been someone else's fault or someone else had to do something to fix what was happening.

Even though I can hardly breathe and severe muscle and joint aches, my heart is happy and excited.

This is so huge for her and us. I was able to speak with her and she is sad and low. My heart hurts for her in that sense. This is the first time she is allowing herself to actually feel sad. Until now, she has always converted sad and fear to angry. She is being very insightful and in tuned to what is going on.

Unfortunately,she has stated that she does not want to see us for Thanksgiving because she does not feel safe around us. She said she loves us but just can't handle seeing us right now while she is in a bad place. I told her I was so proud of her for telling us how she felt, that I respected her for being able to voice that. I told her we support her in her decision and we are here when she is ready. She was the saddest I ever heard her and I believe this interaction to be genuine.

I am continuing to pray for radical transformation for my girl. I will continue to show her God's love through me. 

I am hoping to hear back from one of our pastors. He took a picture of this amazingly beautiful thistle and gave a wonderful talk on flourishing, not just surviving. I am so happy to be able to share Kurt's amazing photo. This is what I want for our Sweetie. I want a life for her where she does not merely survive. I believe that God has a beautiful path laid out for Sweetie. I believe in her ability to take a stand against the monster inside of her, find redemption and flourish.

Broken Girl

I will never share Sweetie's full story with anyone for 2 reasons. First I don't know most of it. I have only gotten bits and pieces that come out in rare moments and then they are retracted and denied. But more importantly because this is Sweetie's story to tell. She may never tell anyone everything. Most of the time I believe she can't even bring herself to face most of it. All that I know is the severe abuse and neglect left my child shattered and completely broken. I can not even tell you how many tears I have shed over her lost childhood and innocence. No child should face what she has. IT is not fair that she is the one who is paying now for what others did to her. I can never wrap my brain around the fact that they could not get past themselves to care for their children. But part of me has pity for them. They could not do it because they did not know how. They were never shown. They were broken children themselves.

Bringing Sweetie back to a PRTF (Psychiatric Residential Treatment Facility) was not any easier the second time around. Now that she is a teenager the program she is in is a bit more hard core. This has meant no contact so far. We will have our first family therapy this coming Wednesday. We are faced with an empty house again. It is so quiet now and sad. For every stressful time we had with Sweetie we also had moments that were fun. I miss her laughter. I miss her singing and most of all I miss her hugs. Even with all of her attachment issues, Sweetie loves to be hugged and cuddled. Granted it needs to always be on her terms, but she is willing to accept affection. This is one of the things that gives me great hope for Sweetie.

While Sweetie was in the hospital the past couple weeks, she had to work on written processing of her recent behaviors and goal setting. Even though she could not face us to apologize she could write that she felt horrible for how she assaulted me and how she accused Cris falsely. She wrote that she knows she needs help and that she wants to learn to control her anger. This too gives me hope.
It must be hard to face those you have hurt so badly. Especially when you already have such a core of shame and pain. That would be difficult for any adult. I can't imagine how difficult it is for her.

The new program is a lot tougher and more structured as it is a program for teenagers and her behaviors have been so severe. I am happy about the structure. It will push her. And I really believe she needs to be pushed hard while in a controlled environment. She needs to be pushed to deal with her trauma, not run away from it. If she keeps running, it will always follow her and she will continue to have a life of turmoil and drama. If she chooses to embrace the treatment and work through the trauma she can heal and she can lead an amazing life. We have provided her with unconditional love, support and all the tools to accomplish this healing. It is now her choice. She can work hard and eventually come back home or she can not and she can be placed out of the house. Either way she will still be our daughter and either way we will love her. I prefer her to be home but I will not live in a home where I will be abused.

I continue to put faith in God that she is where she needs to be to find healing. This will be a long few months. It will be hard with her not being home for the holidays. She will not be allowed to come home for Thanksgiving. We are choosing not to celebrate Thanksgiving this year. Cris and I are going to go to the beach and stay at a friends house. I know it will be cold, but I love the ocean and need some time to clear my head and start to work on healing myself.

This is Not Your Legacy

"No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you"

I refuse to give up on Sweetie. She can kick, shove and punch to push me away, but I will not leave. And that rocks her to the core. Her brain can not even begin to comprehend why. How can we love her when she was made to feel for so long that no one could? Oh how I wish she could just see that she really is loved and safe. How I pray for her to begin to trust that we will not hurt her. I want more than anything to see that she does not have to be where she came from. It is her choice where she goes. She has us, she has many tools to help her heal and she ultimately has God's love to help her heal.

This past week has been a roller coaster with trying to get her the help she needs. She has been in the behavioral health hospital for 10 days. And as of yesterday afternoon the hospital wanted to discharge her, but the psychiatric residential facility did not have a bed or the proper paperwork to even accept her as a patient. I started this process on October 28th and there were multiple beds available. At 1:00 yesterday afternoon I was informed that she would not be able to get into the PRTF until the last week of November and that she would be getting discharged. We could not locate a therapeutic foster home willing to take her with her violence and false accusations. Just the day before the hospital psychiatrist and psychologist sat down in a meeting and told us she was not safe to be in the community or even have us transport her to the PRTF and then we were faced with a real possibility of having to bring her back home until she could get into the facility in 3 weeks. I spent hours calling, emailing and texting anybody and everybody I could think of. It finally came to a head and I told the hospital& our therapist that I refuse to pick her up. I was informed if I did not that DSS would be called and we could have charges pressed against us and a DSS investigation would be open. My response was that I would rather have charges pressed against me than be dead. And within 3 hours all paperwork was sent to the facility that was needed. I immediately got on the phone again at 8 am. But 10:00 she was accepted into the program. I made a call into her representative with her insurance and he advocated on our behalf. By 2:00 her insurance who had 72 business hours to make the decision approved her. By 4:00the hospital agreed to keep her until Monday and arranged transport to the PRTF on Monday. Everything is in place for Sweetie to be admitted at 1:00 on Monday.

This program is completely different from her last. And I am grateful for this. The last program reinforced some really bad defense mechanisms. They taught her she didn't have to talk about her feelings, that she could just walk away anytime she got upset. Yes, if you are truly going to have a blow up you should walk away. But Sweetie lives stuck in an angry state. She does not know how to feel any other way. Being happy is scary and vulnerable. They are a lot more restrictive and structured. The program is structured for teens with severe trauma and sexual abuse histories. I feel really good about the program. I am praying this is where she can begin to really dig into confronting the demons that haunt her. Facing them is the only way she can move past them. She is really at a pivotal point in her journey. Her healing is in her own hands. I ask God to speak into her heart and let her understand the love that she has in us and him. I ask that she can see what a wonderful soul she has. She can have a life full of acceptance and unconditional love. She need only want that for herself.

This will be a long journey. But I know with all of my being that she can heal. She deserves to know true love. She deserves to have peace and she deserves to be happy.

Sometimes you get hurt when you are parenting a warrior

My daughter wears a suit of armor that has protected her the best it could when she was living a life full of danger. She has worn it so long it has become part of her. Over the last year she has removed small pieces. She has taken her helmet off so we could see her beautiful eyes and hear her beautiful voice. She has at times even taken off her gloves so that she could give you a genuine hug now and again. But then she notices how vulnerable she is becoming and puts her armor back on and when she feels extremely vulnerable she pulls her sword and attacks. This week that is what happened.

It rocked her to the core that I would not leave my husband for her when she had made accusations against him.  She began to question my loyalty to her, which ultimately resulted in her interrupting that as rejection of her. Sweetie's disorder centers around her negative self worth and shame. The perceived rejection became unbearable and triggered her biggest rage to date. Since the accusation Sweetie has become more and more unsafe at home. Threatening to blow the house up by sticking metal in the microwave. She started to randomly hit Cris and I, shove us& kick us. She would slam doors repeatedly and bang things on the walls for hours at a time. Even with therapist here. She would be waiting for Cris outside our bedroom door at 3 in the morning when he left for work.

Wednesday I came home from work late because we had our annual work Christmas card photo shoot. (Keep in mind while reading this next part, I was still wearing my costume). As soon as I walked in the door she started verbally abusing me and was being defiant. She grabbed the salt container and poured it out onto our dining room table. I asked he to stop and as always said "no you can't make me". So, I went over and tried to grab it from her hand. That was when she elbowed me in the face. From there she went to the freezer and started grabbing things and then the pantry. When she refused and cussed at me, I just said "That's ok, I guess you don't have to give you your allowance this week". (Natural consequence, right?) That set of a rage that turned into her destroying her room, including the dresser I just redid for her. She than began hitting herself in the face with a full length mirror. When I tried to take the mirror away from her she kicked through it and then attacked me. Cris tried to get her off me and then she attacked him. While she was beating on him, I called the cops. When she saw me again, she charged at me again and started punching me in the face. Landing several blows directly to my nose and mouth. Cris was able to yank her off and we were able to restrain her on the bed. At one point Cris let go of her legs when she seemed to be calm and she kicked me repeatedly in the stomach. After restraining her for a while, she calmed enough that we let her go. She got up and went over and started jumping on the broken mirror. I bent over to try to get it away from her and she punched me in the face again.

I was able to get away and we tried to block her in her room and then she began to throw things. She threw her tv and dvd player, tore pictures off walls and threw her full piggy bank at my head.

Then the cops arrived and she immediately settled. All she could say to me was I deserved it.

She was transported by police to the local mental health emergency room where they admitted her.

We are currently attempting to get her into a new Psychiatric Residential Treatment Facility  that specializes in traumatized children. We are praying that her insurance will approver her for a second stay. That may be a challenge since she already was in for 6 months. Recent behaviors qualify her for admission, but insurance is a whole beast unto itself.

I have spent the last few evenings really digging through her records, trying to find out what happened in late October or Early November that triggers her so much. I could see where she was moved from different foster homes during that time due to behaviors, so I know something happened that is triggering her. We need to find out what that is so she can process it. She understands this. She has put together the same things separately and said the same thing today.

Despite everything we still love her. Despite everything we have more compassion for her. And despite everything WE ARE STILL HERE and STILL HER PARENTS! That will not change. She may not be able to live with us for some time, while we get her treatment, but our goal is to get our daughter back home someday, if she can begin to heal and can be safe.

I have had some say that they feel I air our dirty laundry on this blog. I do not want anyone's pity for our journey. I do not do this for anyone's admiration. My husband and I are flawed individuals too. We are doing the best we can and we are failing. But we are trying. I write mostly for other parents out there, fighting the same battles to know, you are not alone! We are going through this and we are surviving! Our relationship with each other is actually strengthening. My faith in God and his power to heal my daughter has become unwavering. We are better people for adopting our Sweetie.
For that I can be grateful.



My friend Kim put this song on my Facebook page this week before the big blow up. It is a good description of how I imagine her subconscious is feeling. I pray that she can find an outlet to be able to come to terms with the trauma so she does not have to be the warrior anymore and she can allow herself to be loved and love in return.

Falsely Accused

  I don't even know where to begin. This is by far the most difficult thing to write about and it was surely the most difficult events of my life to go though.

I should back up a bit and talk a bit about Cris' sleep apnea. Per a sleep study, Cris stops breathing about 85% of the time each night. The sleep apnea has caused him to snore so loudly that we could not sleep in the same room. He was able to get a CPAP machine which allowed him to stop snoring, which means for the first time in years we can sleep in the same bed last week. I know that probably seems random... but it plays a big part in the events of the past week.

Follow that up with me going away for a weekend for a women's retreat and add our first family photo shoot together. This was the recipe for the prefect storm for my daughter. The Aftermath of the storm has been completely devastated. But I get ahead of myself.

Wednesday, Sweetie had a rough day at school. For some reason she got up in the middle of class and cut one of her classmate's hair. Sweetie has such a negative self image that she can not handle anything negative being addressed with her. It reinforces that she is bad and no worthless. This makes it difficult to help her change the behaviors when addressing them causes a melt down. Cris picked her up from school that day, so he was the one that had to talk to the Dean of Students about the event. When they were driving to our first family photo shoot, Sweetie told Cris if he told me about cutting the boys hair that she would ruin his life. Of course Cris told me and we found out that Sweetie did indeed plan on ruining Cris' life. She started accusing him of sexually abusing her.

She tried her best to convince me and even went to the point of accusing him to his face. But her story kept changing. My husband immediately recommended contacting authorities. I contacted both of our therapist and everyone agreed it would be best if we contacted DSS ourselves. So we did. They did what they would do for any accusation and we were interrogated. Cris was forced to leave the house and was warned if he was with Sweetie alone that he would be arrested. Cris was devastated. The whole time I just knew in my heart and mind that she was lying. She descried in great detail what happened. But while telling me she would refer to herself as a baby. Looking back on it I can see that she was describing things that someone else did to her. The hurt that she has experienced is beyond anything I can imagine. She kept this story up for 2 days and finally broke as we were driving for her to be questioned a second time by the police, with a therapist and social worker. They were also planning to do a physical including an internal exam. As I drove to the meeting I told Sweetie she need only tell the truth. If you she was lying, we would find a way to forgive her. If she wasn't lying and Cris had done such a thing, I would still stay with him, but we would have to get him help. This infuriated her. She was so upset that I would not leave him. Then I told her if she went through with the accusation and the exam and it shows that nothing happened that I would have no choice but to admit her back into the mental hospital. She immediately started to say "I don't want to go to the hospital!". I explained that it was up to her all she had to do was tell the truth. She admitted she lied, she admitted she was jealous of Cris' love for me. That he loved me more than her. These were the same reasons she gave last year when she hurt Darling. It was this time last year that she hurt her. It was this time 2 years ago when she made a false accusation against her previous foster parents. I believe something awful happened this time of year. Sweetie did go in and admit her lie to the police.

Unfortunately once she did that she felt she should be let off the hook, like it is not a big deal,

My husband has truly incredible. Instead of coming back home full of anger and hurt. He came back full of grace and compassion. He came back and asked if he has disappointed either of us. He asked for forgiveness for his shortcomings. Something that should have driven us apart actually drew us closer together.

Here we are a few days after the most traumatic days of my life. One would think that Sweetie would try to reconcile and at least attempt to be on better behavior. Not my daughter. The event has reinforced her belief that she is bad and evil. She has become increasingly agitated, argumentative, verbally and physically abusive to both acris and I. We are at a loss of what to do now. If we send her to therapuetic foster care or a group home will she get even worse. Will she feel completely rejected and follow the path of her sister? If we keep her home, how much more will she escalate her behaviors? We are heartbroken and truly do not know which way to turn. No one would blame us for giving up. We don't want to give up. But we know she needs greater treatment than we can provide on an outpatient basis. Tuesday I meet with both therapist to discuss our options and recommendations. The last 5 days has been hell on earth for Cris and I. We are exhausted. I am praying for some relief and for some clarity on where to go from here. 

Unfortunately, with everything going on we are no longer allowed to be foster parents. This really saddens me. I know for Sweetie right now it is the best thing. But I am so disappointed. This was the first time in my 38 years that. I actually really felt I knew what. God's plan was for me. But, I guess I was wrong. I am struggling as to what to do next with my life. There has to be a purpose for all of this. I may never know what it is, but something good has to come from it all. It just has to.