525600 minutes

I can not believe I missed our anniversary of Sweetie moving in with us and becoming part of the V Family! It was last week. I have been so busy in life that I didn't even think about it. One of the biggest days of my life and I forgot to acknowledge it! I am feeling pretty rotten about that. I will have to make it up to Sweetie.

Every once in a while I dive in and reread Sweetie's records. Trying to truly understand her. It helps me to keep her actions in perspective. It reminds me of where she came from and why she does not know how to receive or give true unconditional love.

Tonight I find myself so humbled. Like rereading an intense mystery novel, I discover details that I hadn't really noticed previously. Each time I reread, I get a little more insight into what my daughter has survived.

 How strong my beautiful daughter must be to have survived for so long in such awful situations. My heart breaks for her. But I also have so much hope... As I read of past behaviors I think of how she isn't doing many of them anymore... How far my little one has come. When I look back over the last year, I see many low moments and many amazing moments. As an adoptive mom of an older child I get to experience many things biological families never get to experience. Even though times can be rough, I have found an enormous amount of love in my heart and have experienced the most amazing grace by being Sweetie's mom. My favorite moments have been the small quiet ones. Sometimes it was when she would allow me to rock her and read to her, other times it was just getting to be silly.

I mean real silly. Like wearing a mustache and driving through one of the roughest neighborhoods, waving to people and having them wave back. My absolute favorite moments are the nights she will let me tuck her in. Each time, I give her a hug and then snort and pretend I am eating her hair. She always squeals with delight and this makes my heart happy. Those are the moments of pure joy, with no agenda and they are moments when she lets her guard down, even if only for a brief moment.Those evenings are starting to spread out because she is a "teenager". But, boy will I grab that time anytime she will let me!

For the first time while reading her evaluations I did not feel dread. I felt hope When I read about lots of inappropriate behaviors that were happening on a daily basis and then I think about where Sweetie is now, my heart becomes happy! The defiant temper tantrums are so much better now. I am feeling that she is genuinely starting to care for us and beginning to let herself believe that we are the real deal and that we are here for her unconditionally.

So another 525600 minutes has passed in our lives and I find myself in in aww of everything we have survived together. Our little family has been plagued with trails, but we continue to pass through them. We find ourselves stronger on the other side of these battles. But the year was not only about trials. It was full of some amazing moments of friendship and love. God has not only blessed me with this amazing child, but he has provided me with amazing friends and amazing opportunities for her education. There have been mountains moved this past year to help Sweetie become the best Sweetie that she can be. We are loved and supported by so many wonderful people. This is something that blows me away. There are so many amazing souls in the Charlotte area.

Calm

We have been having a good few weeks with Sweetie. She has really been making great improvements. She still has her moments of snippiness. But what teen doesn't. Overall she is really fun to have around. This weekend was a pretty busy one. Friday night we went o a baseball game with our Friends Matt & Megan. Sweetie really enjoyed that! Saturday we spent the day with Shelli and her nieces. We hit the pool, watched a movie and grilled out. Sweetie helped bake a cake and she decorated it. I wasn't really up to par this weekend, I have an awful ear infection and sinus infection. Sweetie seemed to be a bit more empathetic and even  let me sleep in both days. I am so grateful to all of our friends who have supported us and prayed for us during our journey. I believe it is God who is healing Sweetie's heart. There is no other explanation for the sudden switch last month. She has never been able to keep herself together this long. I am so proud of her. She is really trying to be better. My only concern now is her and my husband's relationship. They are so much alike. They are both waiting for the other to be the first to make a move. It gets really tiring being the buffer between them. I am not sure if this is something we will ever get worked out. This is something I have no control over, I can not change either of their feelings or behaviors.
I am feeling more confident about bringing her straight home now that she has stabilized. We are trying to get hooked up with intensive in home therapy for when she comes home. Intensive In Home Therapy is when 3 clinicians come into our home and work with us 3 times a week. They become my support if Sweetie starts to destabilize again. I am praying she doesn't
 destabilize. She is really looking forward to starting school. I can't believe how quickly this year has went. It seems like yesterday that we were school shopping for 6th grade. Where does time go?
Over all things are much calmer, I am happy and I hope it stays this way for a little while.

Anything is Possible...Anything Can Be

During our journey to becoming a family I have found that indeed anything is possible. I have found my heart is more capable of loving than I ever imagined. I have found that I am stronger than I ever believed I could be. But more than I anything I have found that amongst the chaos and pain I have found an incredible grace and peace. Loving my Sweetie is difficult many times, but I find that I can still love her. Even when she doesn't believe she is lovable, I find her more deserving of my love. I have yet to meet anyone, including many professionals that has been able to say "yes I could do that". Most are quite the opposite saying that they couldn't do it and don't know how I do. I will let you in on a secret, I don't know how I do it, all I can say is that I am not the one doing it. I can only give credit to God for getting us all through each day. Most days I feel like the biggest failure of a mom, but I keep on trying.

Sweetie is still doing better. It is still very difficult, but she is not having the major tantrums right now. 

She was home for the last 4 days. Her longest stay since she went to PRTF in February. It was exhausting. She wakes up at 6 am and the minute she is up she will make sure everyone else is up. She does this by slamming doors. Thursday am when I couldn't take it anymore at 6:30am, I came out of my room and just said "that is so not cool" Sweetie proceeds to try to argue with me and tell me I am hearing things and lying. Then she starts crying. This was the kick off to my 4th of July. She had 2 more what I call mini tantrums before 8:15 am. They are much shorter in duration,which is progress. 

Over all the 4th went fairly well, but mostly because I just let Sweetie do what ever she wanted to do, just to keep the peace. The nonsense questions and chatter has really become nonstop. Most of it about shopping. She is obsessed with asking for us to purchase her things. It is the only thing she will talk about. And I am serious about it being the only thing. My uncle came from NY and she asked before he got here if she could ask him to take her shopping. I begged her not to ask him for anything and then she badgered him for 2 days asking for money. She asked me today to take her shopping with the money he gave her and I told her that I didn't agree with how she got the money, so I would not support her in spending it. Her response was "what the heck am I suppose to do with it?". I just responded "I don't know". I feel so mean being like that, but I can't condone it either. It is not like she doesn't already have us buying her things often. The picture above is of the new bedding she just got this week, In addition to new shoes and accessories. She is like a typical teen with her always wanting things and is already looking at the next purchase before the first is even cashed out.  Her sense of entitlement is insane. She believes and vocalizes that she should have better things than me, that she deserves it. I laugh at her when she says stuff like that and say ok, but it is scary to me. I fear for her as an adult, looking to fill the hole in her heart with items will lead nowhere. I am trying my best to show her real love and God's love is the only things that can fill that void. I try to show her how giving to others is more fulfilling than purchasing material things. This is hard for any early teen to comprehend, let alone one who has suffered as she has. I want to give her everything she wants, but I can't because it will only fuel the sickness. I am working on fulfilling her needs. The needs she can not even see. 

I am trying to create memories with her. Usually as things are happening she appears very unhappy, usually complaining. But later when telling someone else about them she brags how awesome it was. I guess it is good that her memories of these events are good even if she is not experiencing joy in the moments. Uncle Bill took us to a very nice restaurant.  Sweetie was able to get all dressed up, which she loved! She really enjoys wearing semi formal dresses. She beams when she does, you can see that she feels beautiful. I love that about her. Overall she did well there. We still have to work on her manners still, but she tried hard. I think this was a good experience for her to see what Cris and I are talking about, when we discuss using utensils. I have to remind myself this is the kid who was eating with her hands a few months ago. So, I give her credit for attempting to use her knife.  I am grateful for these small victories! 

On the baby front: 

I received an email from the baby's social worker that the foster family love him and want to peruse adopting him. That they will do what ever they have to in order to adopt him. All along I have said this was God's decision. I have had the paperwork ready to submit for our home study for over a month now, but I just couldn't submit it. I don't know why, it just didn't feel right. Once I heard that the foster family loved him and would do anything for him, I knew what we had to do. But I thought convincing my husband would be harder. He was in love with the idea of bringing the baby home. I had not seen him that hopeful since baby Leah was here. I have to admit it was nice to see him smile when talking about the baby. But thinking of baby Leah brought me back to the complete heartbreak I felt when we lost her. A pain, I can still feel in my chest to this day. The day we lost her, I feel as if I piece of my heart was removed. There is no way I could intentionally inflict that kind of misery on anyone. I prayed for God to help me make the right choice. The selfish part of me felt that this could be our only chance to have a baby. With Sweetie, no one would approve us to bring another baby into the home, but they would a relative. If we wait until she is out of the house we will be in our kid 40's and that would be more difficult with a baby. But I kept coming back to that ache of losing Leah. I know this is normally something about me that drives my husband crazy. I am always putting everyone else above myself. But this time amazingly he agreed. There was no argument. We agreed as long as the bay would be safe and loved that we would be happy for him. We shared this news with the babies social worker and asked her to ask the foster family if they would mind contact. I received her email and sent her the first message. I had no idea what to expect. Mostly I was thinking I would not get any response. But I did get a response and it melted my heart. This baby is what this family has been praying for. We became friends on Facebook and I could go back and see post that were just like the ones I had written about Leah. I know now that we have made the right choice. I feel happy that he is where he belongs, he is with his family. And in a way, our family has grown again. So, I have found that anything is possible, anything can be. 

Brighter Days

'

It has been a while since I was able to write from a place of hope and peace. We have had a good couple of weeks with Sweetie. I am not sure if it her medication changes or that she was able to let off some of her anger during a fight a couple weeks ago, but Sweetie has been in a much better place. 

Whatever the reason, I will take it! This weekend was the first time we went a whole weekend without any issues. It was so nice to be able to just be a family. Sweetie seems to really want to work on things. Reactive Attachment Disorder is many times called an attachment dance. Sometimes it is 2 steps forward, 3 steps back. I am enjoying the dance forward right now, but can't help but anticipate the steps backwards that we will be doing again in the future. 

I am glad that she is starting to have some signs of improvement because whether she is ready or not she will most likely be getting discharged in August. The state has indeed changed the length of stay for all PRTF's to 6 months. This saddens me so much. Not just for us, but for all of the children that this effects.

And as I have written before, their recommendation is to do foster care or a group home. I will not put her back with a foster family. That is not an option for us, so she will be coming home. I am working on lining up resources. My biggest challenge is finding someone to work with her between when school ends and when I get home from work. Finding someone who can be kind, but firm with Sweetie. Someone that won't be able to be manipulated. Finding the right person will be challenging, but I believe God will provide as he always has when we are in need. 

Not sure what is going on with the baby right now. We are still waiting to see if Sweetie's sister returns. Last she talked to her social worker she told them she was in Michigan. They don't believe that story, but it doesn't look like she wants to come back anytime soon. After her being on the run 60 days, the state can start the proceedings for her rights to be terminated. It is harder to not get excited the closer to the 60 days we become. 

I am not sure what will happen, but I have a feeling August is going to be a completely insane month. I better rest up in July! 

When It Pleases You

                                                               You love me when it pleases you

You want me when it's easy to do 

You hold me when you don't want anybody else to

You love me when it pleases you

We had a good visit with Sweetie the other day. It was the first one in many weeks. It was only for a couple hours, but I will take it as a small victory. I am grateful for the time with her that was not loaded with anger. This was short lived. As soon as we did not give her what she wanted she started to dysregulate. I know it comes from her deep seeded fear of rejection. Sweetie has never been with one family longer than a year and we have been her family now for over a year. She is waiting for the rejection, she is waiting for us to give up on her. She is pushing her hardest to make us leave her to prove that what she knows to be true, that we will not be there for her. So, again we are being pushed out and she will not talk to us. 

It makes me think that we do the same thing to God. When we don't get what we want we feel that God has turned his back on us, given up on us or is not there at all. We refuse to listen for him and then expect his favor when we have been pushing him away with all our might. Like dysregulated children we tantrum because life is not going how we feel it should. We look to God when we want something from him. But we are not always willing to listen to his direction for our life. 

There is such a correlation between a parent and child with attachment disorder and  man's relationship with God. I had never viewed it this way until I was driving home today playing this song. When I first heard it I could feel myself singing it about Sweetie, but as the song went on I felt the song was about me. I think it is how many of us have relationships with one another. Until I took the leap and adopted Sweetie, I had taken the easy route with relationships. If things were hard I could just walk away. I hadn't really invested much anyways, so it was easy to do. But now, I have invested in people and they have invested in me. Not just the fun Jen, but the broken one. The one who does not have anything in life together anymore. I have invested in the life of this child who may never be capable of loving me back. This is scary. This leaves me vulnerable and open to rejection.
 I had the opportunity to meet with another adoptive mom this week for a couple hours of peace before my visit with Sweetie Wednesday. It is so nice to have a community of people who get it, who you can say, yeah this sucks and they truly understand and can say yeah it does. During our conversation she was talking about how when she was first adopting her son that she thought everyone should do this and now she knows that this is a calling. 

Every adoptive parent has their unique challenges. But all of us live with that same vulnerability. We all have that fear that our child will reject us. Even if we were capable of doing everything 100% right, we could be and most likely will be rejected by our children. I have to think how heartbreaking that must be to God, with so many of his children rejecting him, refusing to talk to him or see him... just like my Sweetie rejects me.

On the baby front, Dad's rights will be terminated soon and Mom is still on the run. It has been about a month since she took off, abandoning him. If she stays on the run for over 60 days the state can start the termination process. I am still not sure what will happen with this situation and I am not sure how I feel about the situation. I am leaving it in God's hands.

Keeping Faith

Continuing to keep faith when everything seems to be awful is difficult most of the time. I have tried to hold onto the small glimpses of hope that had been seen in months past. I haven't seen many of those moments in the last couple months. The rare moment is in the middle of a ton of bad moments. Times when I am so exhausted that I can't even appreciate the good moments. I work so hard to try to create wonderful memories for her. Often at my own expense financially,emotionally and physically. This past week I surprised Sweetie with a trip to the Great Wolf Lodge. which ended up costing me more than a night at Disney by the time we were done. She had a great time, but for me it was extremely difficult. Being on crutches and wearing a cast made the 2 days anything but fun. I had purchased a latex cast protector that only worked well for taking showers, not for the wave pool. I did try the wave pool for about 20 minutes. After that my good times were over. The rest of the 2 days was hobbling along after Sweetie being the "wallet". Then like she does every single time I do something really nice, Sweetie had a huge tantrum. This time it was because it was time for bed. She did her normal screaming, cussing and throwing of things. At one point she almost pushed me over trying to get out of her room. I was not letting her get past me. Last time she did was when she ended up in the garage throwing tools at me. As she tried to push past me and jump over the dog gate that is in her doorway to keep the dogs out of her room, I started loosing my balance and pulled myself towards the door frame, she banged her leg on the door frame. She jumped back and started screaming that I kicked her. Now picture this, me in a cast kicking her through a dog gate. Yeah, it can't happen. I can hardly put weight on my ankle let alone kick anyone. This is why we are going to install cameras in the house. The worst part of the evening was not the tantrum, it was when she was calm after and processing her feelings that brought on the tantrum. During this time she told me that she doesn't know if she even wants to come home after residential treatment. That was a big kick to the gut. It makes me want to reconsider a group home for after her time at the PRTF is over. I guess that will really depend on how she is able to regulate once home. Right now she can't even stand to be around me or talk to me on the phone for more than a couple minutes. She is having difficulties with her peers. I received a call this week that she was part of a group of girls who chased down another girl, jumped her and beat her up. According to several adult witnesses Sweetie was the one chasing and screaming at the girl and then the other girls were beating her. I don't care that she didn't hit her, as far as I am concerned what she did was just as bad. She is as much a part of traumatizing that girl as the ones who were kicking & punching her. How terrifying that must have been for this girl. My heart is sad that Sweetie has no remorse for this. She is just angry that I do not believe that she didn't participate in the attack. In her mind she was an innocent bystander. Then again she still swears that she didn't put Darling over the fence for our neighbor dog to maul. 
All week she hung up on us after just a minute or 2 of talking. With that and the past weeks behaviors we did not feel it was good to bring her home this weekend and said we would do a visit there. She told us not to come, she didn't want to see us, but a second later asked if I would bring her sneakers to her. I said "Umm, no, I will not drive an hour and half round trip to bring her a second pair of sneakers and not have you spend time with us." So she hung up again. I think we are still going to go tomorrow, that way she can not say that we didn't come. If we go and she rejects us, that is her choice. 

In addition to her behaviors deteriorating, I have been dealing with just trying to keep her in the program there. About a month ago I was informed by Sweetie's therapist (who was in tears) and cottage supervisor that they didn't know how long they could keep her there. The state funding that helps pay for Sweetie to be there is changing the length of treatment time from 12-18 months to up to just a 90 day program. Crap! She has already been there 90 days. She is just coming out of her honeymoon phase and starting to show her real self there. She is right on track for the long term plan. If she would come out now it would be detrimental. She is just starting to feel comfortable with her therapist. They are just starting to deal with her past. To stop now and have to start over in another place with another therapist would not work. In addition she is also at the stage where she is just Angry at everything and everyone. Which makes her very unstable. Because of these changes,  if they don't have enough documentation to prove that she is unsafe enough to stay there that she can't stay there. Unsafe in their terms is an immediate danger to herself or others. Most of the time, with the exception of being in the home setting she is safe enough. But once home and into a home routine she is not. So she is definitely not safe enough to come home. Their recommendation is to put her back into a therapeutic foster home. Just like the past 17 she has lived in, the past 17 that have only worsened her trust in adults. How does that make sense? Let's put the kid right back into the exact environment that created her mental disorders.That or a group home which is basically a  foster home with 4 kids in it... 4 kids with issues. In my opinion a group home would only be a place to learn more bad behaviors Being the relentless advocate that I am contacted The Council for Children's Rights in Charlotte and they have agreed to help me keep her there. They advocate for children's mental health issues all the time. This gives me such relief. Not just for my child, but for all of the kids that are at the PRTF. This residential program specializes in kids with attachment issues. For most of us parents, this was a last resort. It isn't just my daughter that is effected by this change in policy, it is all kids with severe mental issues. The system is very broken when it comes to children in mental health facilities. I was talking to a friend of mine, who has another friend who had to put their daughter into long term mental health care, now the state is threatening to make her a ward of the state because she has been under state care so long. When that happens, she can be put back up for adoption for someone else to adopt. The system is seriously messed up!!! There isn't a day that goes by lately when I don't hear about another mom or meet another mom going through the exact same struggles. And there is very little help for us and our kids. But then events happen like the Sandy Hook Shooting and the people are more worried about gun control than trying to prevent the mental illness that plagues the perpetrators of these awful crimes. Our prisons are filled with grown up RAD kids. It saddens me because I am here trying to do everything possible to make a difference in the one kids life and there are so few resources. I pray that things become easier for us and other families like us to get our kids the help that they need. If not I fear that all our efforts will be in vain. Without proper support, we can not do it on our own. I am glad I at least have my faith in God. I do not know if her being healed is part of his plan, I can hope for that. But, I can hold onto the peace that he does help me find most of the time. Ok, maybe that is the Effexor working, but God had man create some awesome medications! 

On the baby boy front, the mom is still on the run. She had called the social workers mentioned she may be interested in private adoption, but then they have heard nothing else from her since.We could attempt to privately adopt the baby, but after talking it through we decided it was not worth $7000 to have his mom potentially change her mind last minute and have us lose everything. Adopting him privately would create a financial hardship for us. My husband loves me so much, he said if I wanted to do it, we would find a way to do it. But, I just don't feel right about that. My husband recently started attending Warehouse 242 with me. Even though he tries to act like he is only going for me, he is listening and taking in what he hears. He said to me something we heard a few weeks ago in a message. That things will happen in God's time, not ours. He is so right, I am normally pushing through to make things happen that I often get what I think I want but because the timing is wrong it becomes a mess. So this time I am completely leaving that in God's hands. If we are meant to raise this baby than he will become legally available to adopt through foster care. If not than we won't. As long as he is safe, that is all that matters. At this point things are still looking favorable that he will end up here, but I am not taking on the burden of hoping for something that may or may not happen. The last year and a half has already had enough trauma and loss to last the rest of my life. I won't even allow myself to look at baby stuff online. I haven't filled out the paperwork for our home study, which I really do need to do, in case she doesn't return and they need us to take him. I just want things to be a little more certain than right now. 

I have found myself in this funk since the weekend. Wednesday I realized why. It was Leah's second birthday.We would have had a joyous time with her. She was such a sweet baby. I can imagine the cake and the gifts...everything right down to her Gymboree outfit.. But instead I am sitting in our quiet house, with no 2 year old, no 13 year old...just us. And we are tired. I am finding less and less hope to be had in Sweeties prognosis. I am looking for the littlest things to grasp onto. A year into this and the constant rejection and defiance has really begun to eat away at me. I am losing the fun Jen, the one who can go with the flow. I desperately need a vacation, away from it all, no phones, no internet, no rejection. But with this stupid cast on I can't do anything. I so wish I had something positive to write. It has been so long since I could write happy things. I guess my silver lining is that Cris is stepping up and becoming a better husband. He is being supportive of my feelings and of my physical limitations because of the cast. This summer has also been ruined for him. We normally like to travel and hike. But now we are stuck sitting around. I am grateful for His patience. he is the calm right now and finally he is being the rock so I can be weak. i am always the strong one. it is a relief to not be the sole bearer of all of this. i am grateful for him. I am grateful that he is starting to believe in God again. So there, I found a positive and I will end on that note. 

Farther Along

 

 Farther along we'll know all about it

 Farther along we'll understand why

 So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine 

 We'll understand this, all by and by

Last year sometime my friend and wonderful neighbor Amy made a mixed cd for me. Yes, I have friends who make mixed cd's and so do I! I actually think it is one of the nicest gifts you can give someone. One puts a lot of time and thought into making a playlist. I didn't realize how hard it was until I started making them myself, for other people. I remember thinking " It's just music right?". But it is so much more. Music can  cheer someone up or help them grieve. It is amazing how through our journey with all of the twists and turns that there has been the perfect song there for everything. Let me get back to my original thought... the cd.  I believe the second song on the cd was Josh Garrel's version of Farther Along.  It soon became a favorite of mine. How I look forward to that time when I will understand why. There have been many times in my life and particularly in our  journey that I needed to concentrate on these words to get us through. The losses of my early childhood have prepared me to be Sweetie's mother. The friendships that I have lost have made room for truly incredible friendships with people who love me unconditionally. Everything I have done in my life has led me to right here. A new mom to a special teen daughter with the potential of being the mom to a baby as well. I am torn about the situation surrounding the potential adoptive placement of  a baby boy.
I hurt for Sweetie's young sister whohas delivered this baby and has no concept of love or on how to be in a family or be a mom. I hate that her soul is so wounded that she takes more comfort in living on the streets than living with a foster family. My heart grieves for her lost innocence and the loss of the loving  family that she never got to experience. I pray that God will heal her heart and help her find her way to safety. But I also want her baby to be safe. I want the cycle of abuse and neglect to be stopped. Sweetie's sister does not know anything but abuse and neglect. She has never had a role model to help her begin to understand unconditional love, so how could she know what it is or how to give the same kind of love. Love is just a word to my Sweetie. It is an empty word, something that she believes is expected to be said, so she says it.. The longer Sweetie is with us I can see she has no idea how to accept real love or how to love someone else.
I can't bear to think about the baby living in the same scenario that Sweetie and her sister  lived through.
We are at a hard place right now and I am unsure of what to do. It can take around 90 days to get our home study completed and approved. It is costly and will be a ton of work...again!
Sweetie is wishy washy about the potential of the baby coming to live with us. She worries that we will pay attention to the baby and ignore her. But she worries about him living with foster families. No matter what it will be difficult. I have been trying not to get too excited about this. I don't feel my heart can take another kick. I may be a strong woman, but everyone has their limits.
But I have to believe there is a reason for every thing that has happened in my life. The good, the bad and the ugly. So for now I have to just pray that God has me on the correct path.
It has amazed me how some paths have crossed with mine multiple times. Last year around this time I had inqured about 3 kids, 2 boys and a girl. All tween/teens. At that time they were already recently matched and were not available any more. Then today out of nowhere, one of the woman from our MAPP training class sent me a picture of her with the same 3 beautiful children.I was so excited  first because they are a great home for these kids. And secondly I am excited because I may have the opportunity to meet the kids! 

I am just grateful to be where we are at right now. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks ya'll!

Breakthrough

The last few weeks have been rough, really rough. So much so that I began to doubt that Sweetie could find healing. It has been weeks of 2 minute phone calls where she hangs up or is rude, yelling at me that she doesn't have to care about me and that she doesn't want me as a mom. I know with my head that this just the Reactive Attachment Disorder, but it still hurts my heart. Therapies have been painfully awful, full of hateful words from her and tantrums, while I sit there trying to be supportive and loving. Wednesday's therapy was particularly awful when she spent and hour throwing things and beating on this giant polar bear toy screaming and yelling that the bear needed to die as she beat the crap out of it. She was back to the point where everything I do or don't do is scrutinized. It was unbearable.
So, last night like every day at 5:00, I called her while driving home. And like every day for the last few weeks we had the same exact conversation. Me asking her open ended questions trying to get her to talk and her just giving 1 word answers or not answering at all. Then she will ask me to buy her several things, when I say no she gets angry and hangs up. Last night during my call Sweetie did her same not talk and then hang up. She talked to Cris at 7 and asked me to call. When I called back she said she was sorry but she knows I don't believe her. I answered that it hard to believe she is sorry when she keeps doing the same thing she says sorry for. she then started with arguing. I asked why she thought she felt so angry. She finally yelled out because I left her there. I told her she is right to feel that way. I would feel that way. I asked her if she thought being mean and hanging up made her feel any better. She didn't answer. I then asked what she thought she would accomplish by doing it. She said that we would send her to a foster home like one of her friends there. I immediately said That is not an option! She asked why not and I just repeated over and over again that it is not an option. I then said that the harder she pushes the more we are going to try, that she can not and will not push us away. She started crying and apologizing. Saying she doesn't know why she is like this. I told her that is what we are working on. She said she is doing great in the cottage just not with me. I told her that she needs to work with me on our relationship to come home. She said no that it is only her behavior in the cottage. I said honey this is not like foster care, other people aren't in charge of your life. If Papi and I saw you were working towards coming home we could bring you home, but if your working against us we can't see doing that. She said why don't you bring me home if you can. I said you are not ready yet. You have made good progress in your skills and learning to control your big tantrums and I am proud of that. But it is hard to see bringing you back home when you act like you hate us. It wouldn't feel safe. I asked her if she would like to start over? That we will forgive this last couple weeks that I hear her that she is angry about being there and I respect that and understand that. I told her that I love her more than anything and I will keep working and hoped she could too. She said she would try. We shall see. I thought this was pretty big. I would be interested to see how she processes this.
For now I will celebrate this small breakthrough. I know ity must be exhausting to live in her world. To be stuck in this fear, anger and unable to relax and just be loved. It must be awful to be caught in the grey.

Rest

Rest: relief or freedom, especially from anything that wearies, troubles, or disturbs.

Rest, something I am not accustom to. Until this weekend I do not know if I have ever truly experienced true rest. My life until now has been a journey with many rocks in the middle of the path. This past year has felt as if an avalanche of rocks has fallen on top of me. Each time I can get out from under the rocks, more have fallen on top of me. Leaving me broken physically, emotionally, spiritually. Being Sweetie's mom has been beyond anything I could have prepared for. The depths of pain that her little soul has carried for so long has spilled out of her into me for almost a year now. My mothers heart has been forged by all of the of the suffering she faces daily. The more love I pour into her, the more pain that ruptures out of all of the cracks in her defenses. I have collected all of her traumas in my own heart and there it took over filling every corner. I could only think to myself that I can save her. If I can just love her enough and get her the right therapy she will be healed. Oh, the arrogance I have had to even for a moment believe that I alone could fix her, make her whole. The more I have tried, the more my dear child has pushed away, as if it would surely kill her if she were to face her trauma. Trauma beyond anything I can imagine. The things I know of Sweetie's history causes me so much pain. I know that she has only shared a little, only what she can handle without dying from the pain. When it causes me so much pain, how could she possibly face it. So, I have taken on my child's burden as any mother would. I know there is no way that her little scared heart could begin to face the extensive neglect and trauma  by herself. It fills her with shame and that spreads to me. Creating the very situation she is so desperately scared will happen. The harder she pushes me away the safer she feels. This constant rejection has worn a path right through my heart. Leaving me exhausted, hollow and feeling unlovable.
Just as I reach the point where I felt I could bear no more, I came to the Warehouse 242 women's retreat. The theme was Rest. And how I needed this rest. Physically I needed to sleep. I still feel as if I could sleep for days. I went thinking I would relax, read and spend time with friends. That all sounded good.
But the rest I truly needed was the rest that only God can give by taking my burdens. But I struggled with letting them go. They are as much a part of me as my hair or my skin. I have proudly worn them like badges of accomplishments. This has cost me dearly, it has worn me to the point that I am ill most of the time. That my mind is in so many other places that I damaged my car door when I put the car in Reverse instead of Park. I was desperately in need of this rest. This rest took work and at times was uncomfortable. I had to face my own issues with abandonment and unforgiveness of myself.
 I spent hours in solitude and reflecting on my life, my path. Is my vision of my life what God's vision of my life is?. The song  "Spirit Speaks" resonated  most for me.

 

With every breath I breathe 

With every song I sing

I want to shout it out 

Lord I am listening

To every word You speak  

I'll go where You will lead

To love the least of these 

My greatest offering

To love the least of these is painstakingly hard. I still believe that adopting Sweetie is what I was meant to do. I believe we are meant to adopt again. I have prayed a lot on this.
I had received an email this past week about the possibility that Sweetie's 4 month old nephew may be needing to be adopted in the future and they wanted to keep communication open  as we are the closest thing to family that they can consider. I did not know the details  at the time until I looked Sweetie's sister up on Google to find her Facebook page again and I saw that she was missing again since mid March. I have gotten word that she is back again but was gone again.
She has started the cycle of abandonment and neglect all over again. But how could she not? This is all she knows of love...that love hurts, love leaves.

 It would not be easy but we could do raise him and Sweetie. If we do not I fear Sweetie will lose one of her last blood relatives. I see that it may also be healthy for Sweetie to have an young child around to help her by having someone young to play with. She wouldn't have to feel shame for wanting to play with young children toys. This could let her have the childhood she never had.On the other hand Sweetie could be extremely jealous and potentially she could try to hurt her nephew. We would have to have all kinds of safety plans in effect. We have to make some major lifestyle changes. But we could do it. I am leaving it in God's hands. If the baby is meant to be with us than he will be. If not than he won't. We have been advised to update our home study and be certified as foster parents. We are going to prepare ourselves in case the situation does arise, we will be prepared. For now I pray for the path I am meant to be on will show itself.

Rejected

You would think that the hardest parts of being the mom to a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder would be the major melt downs. But it is not. It is so much harder to deal with the constant rejection.She is completely rejecting me right now. No hugs when she sees me, phone calls are very brief and distracted.  It really does seem that the more love you pour into the child with reactive attachment disorder the more rocks they throw back at you. I know being a parent in general is a thankless job. I don't expect or want Sweetie to thank me for being her mom. In a perfect world I wouldn't have to be because her bio mom would have been a good mom. But this is not a perfect world and I am paying for her bio mom and all the "moms" that failed her over the last 9 years of her life. Why should she believe that I love her? What is love to her anyway? I imagine love means hurt and loss. How many people have said they loved her to just turn their backs. Maybe it is not "I love you" that I should be saying. My friends Megan and Matt have a little thing they say to each other instead of I love you... it is "YOU MATTER". Perhaps that is a better thing to say, because she does matter. Even though others have failed to see it, I see that she matters. I wonder how she would respond to that. I had my second lesson on Theraplay today. While this is usually a treatment used for younger children, we are experimenting with Sweetie, because she is emotionally still just a toddler. Since her basic needs as an infant and toddler were never met, she is stuck their emotionally. The hopes are that a few things will happen during these sessions that I will be facilitating at home. First is for her to be able to develop a feeling of safety and trust. Second is to learn to play and build self esteem. Third is to learn to identify with different emotions. Our sessions can look like may things. I created a box of all kinds of toys and art supplies. I have paint and craft supplies, dolls, bubbles, games, cotton balls, baby lotion... all kinds of things. Once a week for 30 minutes we have to do uninterrupted, completely engaged play time. That will be harder than it sounds. We need to block out all other distractions and she has to do it. AT first it will not be an issue. She will be excited to go through all her new stuff. But once she sees that it is the same stuff every week, she will begin to get bored with it and begin to reject that as well. I am hopeful that this may help. We have nothing to lose if it doesn't work, so I am going to try. I feel like all I do is try and I get shot down constantly. Every detail of  things I do or don't do is scrutinized. What I say or even don't say gets twisted into something that she can fight about. This will be a challenge during our play therapy times because I need to avoid power struggles at all cost during this 30 minutes. She is completely in control during this time, except if she is in danger or getting ready to cause harm to herself or others. It will be interesting to see how she transitions back to not being in charge.
We are going to try a day visit Saturday and take her to the zoo with my Aunt Sandy. I am hoping for a good day. One that we can build good memories on. For now, I will continue to take akk the rejection she can dish out. That is about the only way I can prove that I am here no matter what. For now I have to be as strong as titanium.