Brighter Days

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It has been a while since I was able to write from a place of hope and peace. We have had a good couple of weeks with Sweetie. I am not sure if it her medication changes or that she was able to let off some of her anger during a fight a couple weeks ago, but Sweetie has been in a much better place. 

Whatever the reason, I will take it! This weekend was the first time we went a whole weekend without any issues. It was so nice to be able to just be a family. Sweetie seems to really want to work on things. Reactive Attachment Disorder is many times called an attachment dance. Sometimes it is 2 steps forward, 3 steps back. I am enjoying the dance forward right now, but can't help but anticipate the steps backwards that we will be doing again in the future. 

I am glad that she is starting to have some signs of improvement because whether she is ready or not she will most likely be getting discharged in August. The state has indeed changed the length of stay for all PRTF's to 6 months. This saddens me so much. Not just for us, but for all of the children that this effects.

And as I have written before, their recommendation is to do foster care or a group home. I will not put her back with a foster family. That is not an option for us, so she will be coming home. I am working on lining up resources. My biggest challenge is finding someone to work with her between when school ends and when I get home from work. Finding someone who can be kind, but firm with Sweetie. Someone that won't be able to be manipulated. Finding the right person will be challenging, but I believe God will provide as he always has when we are in need. 

Not sure what is going on with the baby right now. We are still waiting to see if Sweetie's sister returns. Last she talked to her social worker she told them she was in Michigan. They don't believe that story, but it doesn't look like she wants to come back anytime soon. After her being on the run 60 days, the state can start the proceedings for her rights to be terminated. It is harder to not get excited the closer to the 60 days we become. 

I am not sure what will happen, but I have a feeling August is going to be a completely insane month. I better rest up in July! 

When It Pleases You

                                                               You love me when it pleases you

You want me when it's easy to do 

You hold me when you don't want anybody else to

You love me when it pleases you

We had a good visit with Sweetie the other day. It was the first one in many weeks. It was only for a couple hours, but I will take it as a small victory. I am grateful for the time with her that was not loaded with anger. This was short lived. As soon as we did not give her what she wanted she started to dysregulate. I know it comes from her deep seeded fear of rejection. Sweetie has never been with one family longer than a year and we have been her family now for over a year. She is waiting for the rejection, she is waiting for us to give up on her. She is pushing her hardest to make us leave her to prove that what she knows to be true, that we will not be there for her. So, again we are being pushed out and she will not talk to us. 

It makes me think that we do the same thing to God. When we don't get what we want we feel that God has turned his back on us, given up on us or is not there at all. We refuse to listen for him and then expect his favor when we have been pushing him away with all our might. Like dysregulated children we tantrum because life is not going how we feel it should. We look to God when we want something from him. But we are not always willing to listen to his direction for our life. 

There is such a correlation between a parent and child with attachment disorder and  man's relationship with God. I had never viewed it this way until I was driving home today playing this song. When I first heard it I could feel myself singing it about Sweetie, but as the song went on I felt the song was about me. I think it is how many of us have relationships with one another. Until I took the leap and adopted Sweetie, I had taken the easy route with relationships. If things were hard I could just walk away. I hadn't really invested much anyways, so it was easy to do. But now, I have invested in people and they have invested in me. Not just the fun Jen, but the broken one. The one who does not have anything in life together anymore. I have invested in the life of this child who may never be capable of loving me back. This is scary. This leaves me vulnerable and open to rejection.
 I had the opportunity to meet with another adoptive mom this week for a couple hours of peace before my visit with Sweetie Wednesday. It is so nice to have a community of people who get it, who you can say, yeah this sucks and they truly understand and can say yeah it does. During our conversation she was talking about how when she was first adopting her son that she thought everyone should do this and now she knows that this is a calling. 

Every adoptive parent has their unique challenges. But all of us live with that same vulnerability. We all have that fear that our child will reject us. Even if we were capable of doing everything 100% right, we could be and most likely will be rejected by our children. I have to think how heartbreaking that must be to God, with so many of his children rejecting him, refusing to talk to him or see him... just like my Sweetie rejects me.

On the baby front, Dad's rights will be terminated soon and Mom is still on the run. It has been about a month since she took off, abandoning him. If she stays on the run for over 60 days the state can start the termination process. I am still not sure what will happen with this situation and I am not sure how I feel about the situation. I am leaving it in God's hands.

Keeping Faith

Continuing to keep faith when everything seems to be awful is difficult most of the time. I have tried to hold onto the small glimpses of hope that had been seen in months past. I haven't seen many of those moments in the last couple months. The rare moment is in the middle of a ton of bad moments. Times when I am so exhausted that I can't even appreciate the good moments. I work so hard to try to create wonderful memories for her. Often at my own expense financially,emotionally and physically. This past week I surprised Sweetie with a trip to the Great Wolf Lodge. which ended up costing me more than a night at Disney by the time we were done. She had a great time, but for me it was extremely difficult. Being on crutches and wearing a cast made the 2 days anything but fun. I had purchased a latex cast protector that only worked well for taking showers, not for the wave pool. I did try the wave pool for about 20 minutes. After that my good times were over. The rest of the 2 days was hobbling along after Sweetie being the "wallet". Then like she does every single time I do something really nice, Sweetie had a huge tantrum. This time it was because it was time for bed. She did her normal screaming, cussing and throwing of things. At one point she almost pushed me over trying to get out of her room. I was not letting her get past me. Last time she did was when she ended up in the garage throwing tools at me. As she tried to push past me and jump over the dog gate that is in her doorway to keep the dogs out of her room, I started loosing my balance and pulled myself towards the door frame, she banged her leg on the door frame. She jumped back and started screaming that I kicked her. Now picture this, me in a cast kicking her through a dog gate. Yeah, it can't happen. I can hardly put weight on my ankle let alone kick anyone. This is why we are going to install cameras in the house. The worst part of the evening was not the tantrum, it was when she was calm after and processing her feelings that brought on the tantrum. During this time she told me that she doesn't know if she even wants to come home after residential treatment. That was a big kick to the gut. It makes me want to reconsider a group home for after her time at the PRTF is over. I guess that will really depend on how she is able to regulate once home. Right now she can't even stand to be around me or talk to me on the phone for more than a couple minutes. She is having difficulties with her peers. I received a call this week that she was part of a group of girls who chased down another girl, jumped her and beat her up. According to several adult witnesses Sweetie was the one chasing and screaming at the girl and then the other girls were beating her. I don't care that she didn't hit her, as far as I am concerned what she did was just as bad. She is as much a part of traumatizing that girl as the ones who were kicking & punching her. How terrifying that must have been for this girl. My heart is sad that Sweetie has no remorse for this. She is just angry that I do not believe that she didn't participate in the attack. In her mind she was an innocent bystander. Then again she still swears that she didn't put Darling over the fence for our neighbor dog to maul. 
All week she hung up on us after just a minute or 2 of talking. With that and the past weeks behaviors we did not feel it was good to bring her home this weekend and said we would do a visit there. She told us not to come, she didn't want to see us, but a second later asked if I would bring her sneakers to her. I said "Umm, no, I will not drive an hour and half round trip to bring her a second pair of sneakers and not have you spend time with us." So she hung up again. I think we are still going to go tomorrow, that way she can not say that we didn't come. If we go and she rejects us, that is her choice. 

In addition to her behaviors deteriorating, I have been dealing with just trying to keep her in the program there. About a month ago I was informed by Sweetie's therapist (who was in tears) and cottage supervisor that they didn't know how long they could keep her there. The state funding that helps pay for Sweetie to be there is changing the length of treatment time from 12-18 months to up to just a 90 day program. Crap! She has already been there 90 days. She is just coming out of her honeymoon phase and starting to show her real self there. She is right on track for the long term plan. If she would come out now it would be detrimental. She is just starting to feel comfortable with her therapist. They are just starting to deal with her past. To stop now and have to start over in another place with another therapist would not work. In addition she is also at the stage where she is just Angry at everything and everyone. Which makes her very unstable. Because of these changes,  if they don't have enough documentation to prove that she is unsafe enough to stay there that she can't stay there. Unsafe in their terms is an immediate danger to herself or others. Most of the time, with the exception of being in the home setting she is safe enough. But once home and into a home routine she is not. So she is definitely not safe enough to come home. Their recommendation is to put her back into a therapeutic foster home. Just like the past 17 she has lived in, the past 17 that have only worsened her trust in adults. How does that make sense? Let's put the kid right back into the exact environment that created her mental disorders.That or a group home which is basically a  foster home with 4 kids in it... 4 kids with issues. In my opinion a group home would only be a place to learn more bad behaviors Being the relentless advocate that I am contacted The Council for Children's Rights in Charlotte and they have agreed to help me keep her there. They advocate for children's mental health issues all the time. This gives me such relief. Not just for my child, but for all of the kids that are at the PRTF. This residential program specializes in kids with attachment issues. For most of us parents, this was a last resort. It isn't just my daughter that is effected by this change in policy, it is all kids with severe mental issues. The system is very broken when it comes to children in mental health facilities. I was talking to a friend of mine, who has another friend who had to put their daughter into long term mental health care, now the state is threatening to make her a ward of the state because she has been under state care so long. When that happens, she can be put back up for adoption for someone else to adopt. The system is seriously messed up!!! There isn't a day that goes by lately when I don't hear about another mom or meet another mom going through the exact same struggles. And there is very little help for us and our kids. But then events happen like the Sandy Hook Shooting and the people are more worried about gun control than trying to prevent the mental illness that plagues the perpetrators of these awful crimes. Our prisons are filled with grown up RAD kids. It saddens me because I am here trying to do everything possible to make a difference in the one kids life and there are so few resources. I pray that things become easier for us and other families like us to get our kids the help that they need. If not I fear that all our efforts will be in vain. Without proper support, we can not do it on our own. I am glad I at least have my faith in God. I do not know if her being healed is part of his plan, I can hope for that. But, I can hold onto the peace that he does help me find most of the time. Ok, maybe that is the Effexor working, but God had man create some awesome medications! 

On the baby boy front, the mom is still on the run. She had called the social workers mentioned she may be interested in private adoption, but then they have heard nothing else from her since.We could attempt to privately adopt the baby, but after talking it through we decided it was not worth $7000 to have his mom potentially change her mind last minute and have us lose everything. Adopting him privately would create a financial hardship for us. My husband loves me so much, he said if I wanted to do it, we would find a way to do it. But, I just don't feel right about that. My husband recently started attending Warehouse 242 with me. Even though he tries to act like he is only going for me, he is listening and taking in what he hears. He said to me something we heard a few weeks ago in a message. That things will happen in God's time, not ours. He is so right, I am normally pushing through to make things happen that I often get what I think I want but because the timing is wrong it becomes a mess. So this time I am completely leaving that in God's hands. If we are meant to raise this baby than he will become legally available to adopt through foster care. If not than we won't. As long as he is safe, that is all that matters. At this point things are still looking favorable that he will end up here, but I am not taking on the burden of hoping for something that may or may not happen. The last year and a half has already had enough trauma and loss to last the rest of my life. I won't even allow myself to look at baby stuff online. I haven't filled out the paperwork for our home study, which I really do need to do, in case she doesn't return and they need us to take him. I just want things to be a little more certain than right now. 

I have found myself in this funk since the weekend. Wednesday I realized why. It was Leah's second birthday.We would have had a joyous time with her. She was such a sweet baby. I can imagine the cake and the gifts...everything right down to her Gymboree outfit.. But instead I am sitting in our quiet house, with no 2 year old, no 13 year old...just us. And we are tired. I am finding less and less hope to be had in Sweeties prognosis. I am looking for the littlest things to grasp onto. A year into this and the constant rejection and defiance has really begun to eat away at me. I am losing the fun Jen, the one who can go with the flow. I desperately need a vacation, away from it all, no phones, no internet, no rejection. But with this stupid cast on I can't do anything. I so wish I had something positive to write. It has been so long since I could write happy things. I guess my silver lining is that Cris is stepping up and becoming a better husband. He is being supportive of my feelings and of my physical limitations because of the cast. This summer has also been ruined for him. We normally like to travel and hike. But now we are stuck sitting around. I am grateful for His patience. he is the calm right now and finally he is being the rock so I can be weak. i am always the strong one. it is a relief to not be the sole bearer of all of this. i am grateful for him. I am grateful that he is starting to believe in God again. So there, I found a positive and I will end on that note. 

Farther Along

 

 Farther along we'll know all about it

 Farther along we'll understand why

 So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine 

 We'll understand this, all by and by

Last year sometime my friend and wonderful neighbor Amy made a mixed cd for me. Yes, I have friends who make mixed cd's and so do I! I actually think it is one of the nicest gifts you can give someone. One puts a lot of time and thought into making a playlist. I didn't realize how hard it was until I started making them myself, for other people. I remember thinking " It's just music right?". But it is so much more. Music can  cheer someone up or help them grieve. It is amazing how through our journey with all of the twists and turns that there has been the perfect song there for everything. Let me get back to my original thought... the cd.  I believe the second song on the cd was Josh Garrel's version of Farther Along.  It soon became a favorite of mine. How I look forward to that time when I will understand why. There have been many times in my life and particularly in our  journey that I needed to concentrate on these words to get us through. The losses of my early childhood have prepared me to be Sweetie's mother. The friendships that I have lost have made room for truly incredible friendships with people who love me unconditionally. Everything I have done in my life has led me to right here. A new mom to a special teen daughter with the potential of being the mom to a baby as well. I am torn about the situation surrounding the potential adoptive placement of  a baby boy.
I hurt for Sweetie's young sister whohas delivered this baby and has no concept of love or on how to be in a family or be a mom. I hate that her soul is so wounded that she takes more comfort in living on the streets than living with a foster family. My heart grieves for her lost innocence and the loss of the loving  family that she never got to experience. I pray that God will heal her heart and help her find her way to safety. But I also want her baby to be safe. I want the cycle of abuse and neglect to be stopped. Sweetie's sister does not know anything but abuse and neglect. She has never had a role model to help her begin to understand unconditional love, so how could she know what it is or how to give the same kind of love. Love is just a word to my Sweetie. It is an empty word, something that she believes is expected to be said, so she says it.. The longer Sweetie is with us I can see she has no idea how to accept real love or how to love someone else.
I can't bear to think about the baby living in the same scenario that Sweetie and her sister  lived through.
We are at a hard place right now and I am unsure of what to do. It can take around 90 days to get our home study completed and approved. It is costly and will be a ton of work...again!
Sweetie is wishy washy about the potential of the baby coming to live with us. She worries that we will pay attention to the baby and ignore her. But she worries about him living with foster families. No matter what it will be difficult. I have been trying not to get too excited about this. I don't feel my heart can take another kick. I may be a strong woman, but everyone has their limits.
But I have to believe there is a reason for every thing that has happened in my life. The good, the bad and the ugly. So for now I have to just pray that God has me on the correct path.
It has amazed me how some paths have crossed with mine multiple times. Last year around this time I had inqured about 3 kids, 2 boys and a girl. All tween/teens. At that time they were already recently matched and were not available any more. Then today out of nowhere, one of the woman from our MAPP training class sent me a picture of her with the same 3 beautiful children.I was so excited  first because they are a great home for these kids. And secondly I am excited because I may have the opportunity to meet the kids! 

I am just grateful to be where we are at right now. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks ya'll!

Breakthrough

The last few weeks have been rough, really rough. So much so that I began to doubt that Sweetie could find healing. It has been weeks of 2 minute phone calls where she hangs up or is rude, yelling at me that she doesn't have to care about me and that she doesn't want me as a mom. I know with my head that this just the Reactive Attachment Disorder, but it still hurts my heart. Therapies have been painfully awful, full of hateful words from her and tantrums, while I sit there trying to be supportive and loving. Wednesday's therapy was particularly awful when she spent and hour throwing things and beating on this giant polar bear toy screaming and yelling that the bear needed to die as she beat the crap out of it. She was back to the point where everything I do or don't do is scrutinized. It was unbearable.
So, last night like every day at 5:00, I called her while driving home. And like every day for the last few weeks we had the same exact conversation. Me asking her open ended questions trying to get her to talk and her just giving 1 word answers or not answering at all. Then she will ask me to buy her several things, when I say no she gets angry and hangs up. Last night during my call Sweetie did her same not talk and then hang up. She talked to Cris at 7 and asked me to call. When I called back she said she was sorry but she knows I don't believe her. I answered that it hard to believe she is sorry when she keeps doing the same thing she says sorry for. she then started with arguing. I asked why she thought she felt so angry. She finally yelled out because I left her there. I told her she is right to feel that way. I would feel that way. I asked her if she thought being mean and hanging up made her feel any better. She didn't answer. I then asked what she thought she would accomplish by doing it. She said that we would send her to a foster home like one of her friends there. I immediately said That is not an option! She asked why not and I just repeated over and over again that it is not an option. I then said that the harder she pushes the more we are going to try, that she can not and will not push us away. She started crying and apologizing. Saying she doesn't know why she is like this. I told her that is what we are working on. She said she is doing great in the cottage just not with me. I told her that she needs to work with me on our relationship to come home. She said no that it is only her behavior in the cottage. I said honey this is not like foster care, other people aren't in charge of your life. If Papi and I saw you were working towards coming home we could bring you home, but if your working against us we can't see doing that. She said why don't you bring me home if you can. I said you are not ready yet. You have made good progress in your skills and learning to control your big tantrums and I am proud of that. But it is hard to see bringing you back home when you act like you hate us. It wouldn't feel safe. I asked her if she would like to start over? That we will forgive this last couple weeks that I hear her that she is angry about being there and I respect that and understand that. I told her that I love her more than anything and I will keep working and hoped she could too. She said she would try. We shall see. I thought this was pretty big. I would be interested to see how she processes this.
For now I will celebrate this small breakthrough. I know ity must be exhausting to live in her world. To be stuck in this fear, anger and unable to relax and just be loved. It must be awful to be caught in the grey.

Rest

Rest: relief or freedom, especially from anything that wearies, troubles, or disturbs.

Rest, something I am not accustom to. Until this weekend I do not know if I have ever truly experienced true rest. My life until now has been a journey with many rocks in the middle of the path. This past year has felt as if an avalanche of rocks has fallen on top of me. Each time I can get out from under the rocks, more have fallen on top of me. Leaving me broken physically, emotionally, spiritually. Being Sweetie's mom has been beyond anything I could have prepared for. The depths of pain that her little soul has carried for so long has spilled out of her into me for almost a year now. My mothers heart has been forged by all of the of the suffering she faces daily. The more love I pour into her, the more pain that ruptures out of all of the cracks in her defenses. I have collected all of her traumas in my own heart and there it took over filling every corner. I could only think to myself that I can save her. If I can just love her enough and get her the right therapy she will be healed. Oh, the arrogance I have had to even for a moment believe that I alone could fix her, make her whole. The more I have tried, the more my dear child has pushed away, as if it would surely kill her if she were to face her trauma. Trauma beyond anything I can imagine. The things I know of Sweetie's history causes me so much pain. I know that she has only shared a little, only what she can handle without dying from the pain. When it causes me so much pain, how could she possibly face it. So, I have taken on my child's burden as any mother would. I know there is no way that her little scared heart could begin to face the extensive neglect and trauma  by herself. It fills her with shame and that spreads to me. Creating the very situation she is so desperately scared will happen. The harder she pushes me away the safer she feels. This constant rejection has worn a path right through my heart. Leaving me exhausted, hollow and feeling unlovable.
Just as I reach the point where I felt I could bear no more, I came to the Warehouse 242 women's retreat. The theme was Rest. And how I needed this rest. Physically I needed to sleep. I still feel as if I could sleep for days. I went thinking I would relax, read and spend time with friends. That all sounded good.
But the rest I truly needed was the rest that only God can give by taking my burdens. But I struggled with letting them go. They are as much a part of me as my hair or my skin. I have proudly worn them like badges of accomplishments. This has cost me dearly, it has worn me to the point that I am ill most of the time. That my mind is in so many other places that I damaged my car door when I put the car in Reverse instead of Park. I was desperately in need of this rest. This rest took work and at times was uncomfortable. I had to face my own issues with abandonment and unforgiveness of myself.
 I spent hours in solitude and reflecting on my life, my path. Is my vision of my life what God's vision of my life is?. The song  "Spirit Speaks" resonated  most for me.

 

With every breath I breathe 

With every song I sing

I want to shout it out 

Lord I am listening

To every word You speak  

I'll go where You will lead

To love the least of these 

My greatest offering

To love the least of these is painstakingly hard. I still believe that adopting Sweetie is what I was meant to do. I believe we are meant to adopt again. I have prayed a lot on this.
I had received an email this past week about the possibility that Sweetie's 4 month old nephew may be needing to be adopted in the future and they wanted to keep communication open  as we are the closest thing to family that they can consider. I did not know the details  at the time until I looked Sweetie's sister up on Google to find her Facebook page again and I saw that she was missing again since mid March. I have gotten word that she is back again but was gone again.
She has started the cycle of abandonment and neglect all over again. But how could she not? This is all she knows of love...that love hurts, love leaves.

 It would not be easy but we could do raise him and Sweetie. If we do not I fear Sweetie will lose one of her last blood relatives. I see that it may also be healthy for Sweetie to have an young child around to help her by having someone young to play with. She wouldn't have to feel shame for wanting to play with young children toys. This could let her have the childhood she never had.On the other hand Sweetie could be extremely jealous and potentially she could try to hurt her nephew. We would have to have all kinds of safety plans in effect. We have to make some major lifestyle changes. But we could do it. I am leaving it in God's hands. If the baby is meant to be with us than he will be. If not than he won't. We have been advised to update our home study and be certified as foster parents. We are going to prepare ourselves in case the situation does arise, we will be prepared. For now I pray for the path I am meant to be on will show itself.

Rejected

You would think that the hardest parts of being the mom to a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder would be the major melt downs. But it is not. It is so much harder to deal with the constant rejection.She is completely rejecting me right now. No hugs when she sees me, phone calls are very brief and distracted.  It really does seem that the more love you pour into the child with reactive attachment disorder the more rocks they throw back at you. I know being a parent in general is a thankless job. I don't expect or want Sweetie to thank me for being her mom. In a perfect world I wouldn't have to be because her bio mom would have been a good mom. But this is not a perfect world and I am paying for her bio mom and all the "moms" that failed her over the last 9 years of her life. Why should she believe that I love her? What is love to her anyway? I imagine love means hurt and loss. How many people have said they loved her to just turn their backs. Maybe it is not "I love you" that I should be saying. My friends Megan and Matt have a little thing they say to each other instead of I love you... it is "YOU MATTER". Perhaps that is a better thing to say, because she does matter. Even though others have failed to see it, I see that she matters. I wonder how she would respond to that. I had my second lesson on Theraplay today. While this is usually a treatment used for younger children, we are experimenting with Sweetie, because she is emotionally still just a toddler. Since her basic needs as an infant and toddler were never met, she is stuck their emotionally. The hopes are that a few things will happen during these sessions that I will be facilitating at home. First is for her to be able to develop a feeling of safety and trust. Second is to learn to play and build self esteem. Third is to learn to identify with different emotions. Our sessions can look like may things. I created a box of all kinds of toys and art supplies. I have paint and craft supplies, dolls, bubbles, games, cotton balls, baby lotion... all kinds of things. Once a week for 30 minutes we have to do uninterrupted, completely engaged play time. That will be harder than it sounds. We need to block out all other distractions and she has to do it. AT first it will not be an issue. She will be excited to go through all her new stuff. But once she sees that it is the same stuff every week, she will begin to get bored with it and begin to reject that as well. I am hopeful that this may help. We have nothing to lose if it doesn't work, so I am going to try. I feel like all I do is try and I get shot down constantly. Every detail of  things I do or don't do is scrutinized. What I say or even don't say gets twisted into something that she can fight about. This will be a challenge during our play therapy times because I need to avoid power struggles at all cost during this 30 minutes. She is completely in control during this time, except if she is in danger or getting ready to cause harm to herself or others. It will be interesting to see how she transitions back to not being in charge.
We are going to try a day visit Saturday and take her to the zoo with my Aunt Sandy. I am hoping for a good day. One that we can build good memories on. For now, I will continue to take akk the rejection she can dish out. That is about the only way I can prove that I am here no matter what. For now I have to be as strong as titanium.

Safe

I had forgotten how completely exhausting having Sweetie home can be. We had our first over night visit today and she is trying her same old tricks. I knew this would be a trying visit. They have taken Sweetie off the Risperdol this week. I am glad they did! Not only did she gain 60 pounds on it, but it elevated her cholesterol and her liver enzymes. Now the trick will be finding what she can take that does not have those major side effects. The psychiatrist and therapist think she will have to be on a mood stabilizer. Yesterday she had a pretty significant episode while I was there for a therapy session that Sweetie was not involved in.
I was learning about play therapy and how to facilitate the play therapy sessions myself. Sweetie has never liked it much if I am in with the therapist and she is not. While I was in there, she had a major meltdown that included her running away from her mentor and having an order called to have her restrained. When the mentor went to restrain her she could see the terror that takes over Sweetie when someone is going to touch her when she is in one of her tantrums and decided to not do the restraint. She felt it would cause more trauma to Sweetie. I can agree with that from the one time I restrained her. It brought her right back to one of the bad moments in her life when she was being abused by her father.
Even though it was most likely my presence that brought on this event it was good that I was there to see first hand the process of how they debrief after. Everything that is done by the staff at the PRTF is to keep Sweetie safe, even if it is from herself. She doesn't have rational thinking when she is in one of her tantrums. Sequences of evens get jumbled and she does not pay attention to her surroundings. She easily could have been hit by a car when she darted up the middle of the road to get away from her mentor.
 This was the first time the PRTF has seen this out of Sweetie. I am glad she is starting to show her hurt self to them. She has been "honeymooning" for the last 6 weeks. It was starting to concern the therapist that she would not have enough documentation to keep her there longer than 6 months since she was not having major unsafe behaviors. The therapist has said that Sweetie is the most significant case of Reactive Attachment Disorder she has seen. And that she is worried that if she is discharged in 6 months that we may not get very far with her.  I am pretty sure that now that she has showed them that side of her that she will have no issues doing it more. And that will hopefully get her to be able to stay long enough to get the treatment she needs.
I had no idea how much constant stress I was under before she left until she came home today.
It made me think of a speaker that I really like to listen to Holly Van Gulden. She says if a frog jumps into boiling water, he immediately jumps out so that he will not die. But you can take that same frog and put him into a cool pot of water and slowly increase the temperature and the frog will not move and he will eventually boil to death. That is exactly how it was living with Sweetie from the beginning. The increase in behavioral issues was so gradual that it was really bad before we realized we had to do something. But now I have been out of that boiling water and it feels not right to jump back in. I won't jump back in like it is. Today showed that she really is not ready to come home yet. She can not handle the most basic of instruction with out an argument.
She intentionally tried to sabotage dinner, she tried to triangulate Cris and I . Both things were to create arguments. I wont go for it. I am sure that being back here makes her feel out of control and unsafe.
She has to try to regain that control so that she feels that she will not die. Even though I understand it, it is completely exhausting. It makes me doubt my ability to help here heal in the long run  I know I do not have a choice and I have to try. But I have doubt that I will make a difference. Is the damage that has been done, so grave that she may never recover? Will she ever be able to love me or anyone? Will she ever be able to truly feel safe? I pray she can.

Home Visits

Things have started to settle down a lot now. I am healing up. Darling is getting better every day. We have found little boots that help stabilize her feet so that she can walk for a bit longer than without them. Which is great! 

We have started home visits with Sweetie last weekend and then again today. We celebrated Easter today. We decorated eggs, had an egg hunt and had a nice dinner with Sweetie, my brother, sis n law and niece.

She did better than I expected. I really anticipated her having a problem with having my niece here. But she did well. It was a good day. Sweetie said it was a day full of good memories. That makes me happy.

Sweetie's therapist at the PRTF is stating she is not getting anywhere with her. As I already know she is able to distract and totally run her therapy sessions. The therapist has decided it will be best to work more on Sweetie bonding with me, than in trying to get Sweetie to work on her issues. Because Sweetie's defense mechanisms are so developed and so strong she knows that they will most likely not be able to get Sweetie to a place that she feels comfortable enough to process any of her trauma while there. Her hopes is that we can create a bond strong enough between Sweetie and I to help her feel safe enough to work once she comes home. Our hope is the structure she is living in will break habits that she had that made it unsafe for her to be home. Our plan is to try to keep things as structured as they are at the PRTF when she moves home and slowly ease back the structure over time, as she can tolerate it. 

I am beginning to be hopeful that being at the PRTF will help Sweetie get to a point where she can work with me on healing. 

Drifting...blessings when you least expect it.

Just when you think you have hit the bottom, the bottom falls out. The last time I wrote I was in a pretty bad funk. Honestly the lowest I have ever felt. I remember thinking "God, I can not handle one more thing!".
Then the world crashes down around you. Last Friday while my husband was in Ecuador I was involved in a major car accident. One of those ones at rush hour that messed up everyone's commute for hours on one of our cities major highways. Totaling my car and the car I hit. I had just picked up my dogs from the groomer and was talking to one of my best friends about how frustrated I was with Sweetie. She had been particularly mean to me the whole week and had hung up on me just an hour before the accident. I got off the phone and was getting ready to merge into an exit lane. As I looked over my shoulder to make sure no one was in my blind spot as I was merging right the car in front of me slammed on the breaks. Simultaneously, my dog was trying to jump into my lap, I pushed him off me onto the floor just as we collided with the car in front of us. My car spun completely around, all airbags deployed. My poor dogs were thrown about the car. I wish I could say that I pleaded for God to save me, but I actually said the F word and waited for the second impact to come. But it never happened. It was a miracle that the young man driving behind me did not collide into us. As soon as the car stopped and people started to try to get me out of the car I immediately started accessing my dogs. Hunter was on the floor and seemed ok, Oakley was yelping as if he was severely injured and Darling was just laying on the floor in the back behind me, not making any noise. People kept trying to open the doors. I was yelling at them to not let the dogs out. Noone would help me with the dogs. The police and firemen wouldn't and I wouldn't get out of the car without knowing they were safe. I didn't even realized that I was hurt myself. I remember someone yelling at me to turn the car off because gas was leaking and the car was smoking. Finally this young man (Ryan) comes to the car and asked if he could help. I asked if he could put my dogs in his car until I could get some one to come get them. He was able to move each of the dogs to his vehicle and then I moved to his vehicle as well. I know Darling was separated from me for a few minutes. I knew she was hurt badly, but did not know exactly how bad. Oakley looked Ok even though he was still visibly shaken. Hunter was just looking out the windows of the car watching everyone. I called Shelli and Megan to come meet me at the scene so I could get the dogs to the Emergency Vet and get myself to the emergency room. I refused to go in the ambulance because I needed to make sure my pups were ok.
When Shelli got there and she tried to pick up Darling I could finally see how badly hurt she was, her back legs completely flopped underneath her and she was paralyzed from her lower back down. Shelli had to park on the other side of the highway because there was no way she could get to me on the side of the road I was because of the back up. Ryan drove me and the pups up the highway a bit to be equal to Shelli's car and helped us get the dogs over to her vehicle. From there she got me up to a road where a police officer could get my statement and then he was nice enough to take me to the next exit where Matt and Megan met me to take me to the hospital. The vets at Carolina Veterinary Specialist evaluated all three dogs and cleared Hunter and Oakley but the verified my fears of Darling being paralyzed. And there it was the new lowest moment in my life. I was about to lose my dog too. But then everything started to fall into place. Friends helped arrange a way for us to pay for Darling to have surgery, she was being transferred to a neurologist in Matthews and I was being taken back to be treated at the hospital. My PA ended up being someone I knew and she took great care of me. Darling was able to have surgery on her back and she is slowly recovering.
With all of this on top of the stress I was already dealing with I very well could have just gave up. But I didn't. In my greatest moment of weakness and need, I felt peace and I felt loved. I have been blessed by so many who have taken care of me and my dogs. Shelli, Megan and Matt took care of me for days. I have received several meals from neighbors. It has truly been amazing the amount of generosity and love that has been pour upon us. I can honestly say that this accident could have been so much worse, but I feel I was protected. And for this I am grateful.
As bad of a day as that was we had an equally good day with Sweetie this Sunday for her birthday. We had beautiful cupcakes and decorations and gifts at the PRTF. Everyone there participated. It was a real nice time. Sweetie had a nice 13th party.
It took these negative events to make me see the true blessing that I have received .