Farther Along

 

 Farther along we'll know all about it

 Farther along we'll understand why

 So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine 

 We'll understand this, all by and by

Last year sometime my friend and wonderful neighbor Amy made a mixed cd for me. Yes, I have friends who make mixed cd's and so do I! I actually think it is one of the nicest gifts you can give someone. One puts a lot of time and thought into making a playlist. I didn't realize how hard it was until I started making them myself, for other people. I remember thinking " It's just music right?". But it is so much more. Music can  cheer someone up or help them grieve. It is amazing how through our journey with all of the twists and turns that there has been the perfect song there for everything. Let me get back to my original thought... the cd.  I believe the second song on the cd was Josh Garrel's version of Farther Along.  It soon became a favorite of mine. How I look forward to that time when I will understand why. There have been many times in my life and particularly in our  journey that I needed to concentrate on these words to get us through. The losses of my early childhood have prepared me to be Sweetie's mother. The friendships that I have lost have made room for truly incredible friendships with people who love me unconditionally. Everything I have done in my life has led me to right here. A new mom to a special teen daughter with the potential of being the mom to a baby as well. I am torn about the situation surrounding the potential adoptive placement of  a baby boy.
I hurt for Sweetie's young sister whohas delivered this baby and has no concept of love or on how to be in a family or be a mom. I hate that her soul is so wounded that she takes more comfort in living on the streets than living with a foster family. My heart grieves for her lost innocence and the loss of the loving  family that she never got to experience. I pray that God will heal her heart and help her find her way to safety. But I also want her baby to be safe. I want the cycle of abuse and neglect to be stopped. Sweetie's sister does not know anything but abuse and neglect. She has never had a role model to help her begin to understand unconditional love, so how could she know what it is or how to give the same kind of love. Love is just a word to my Sweetie. It is an empty word, something that she believes is expected to be said, so she says it.. The longer Sweetie is with us I can see she has no idea how to accept real love or how to love someone else.
I can't bear to think about the baby living in the same scenario that Sweetie and her sister  lived through.
We are at a hard place right now and I am unsure of what to do. It can take around 90 days to get our home study completed and approved. It is costly and will be a ton of work...again!
Sweetie is wishy washy about the potential of the baby coming to live with us. She worries that we will pay attention to the baby and ignore her. But she worries about him living with foster families. No matter what it will be difficult. I have been trying not to get too excited about this. I don't feel my heart can take another kick. I may be a strong woman, but everyone has their limits.
But I have to believe there is a reason for every thing that has happened in my life. The good, the bad and the ugly. So for now I have to just pray that God has me on the correct path.
It has amazed me how some paths have crossed with mine multiple times. Last year around this time I had inqured about 3 kids, 2 boys and a girl. All tween/teens. At that time they were already recently matched and were not available any more. Then today out of nowhere, one of the woman from our MAPP training class sent me a picture of her with the same 3 beautiful children.I was so excited  first because they are a great home for these kids. And secondly I am excited because I may have the opportunity to meet the kids! 

I am just grateful to be where we are at right now. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks ya'll!

Breakthrough

The last few weeks have been rough, really rough. So much so that I began to doubt that Sweetie could find healing. It has been weeks of 2 minute phone calls where she hangs up or is rude, yelling at me that she doesn't have to care about me and that she doesn't want me as a mom. I know with my head that this just the Reactive Attachment Disorder, but it still hurts my heart. Therapies have been painfully awful, full of hateful words from her and tantrums, while I sit there trying to be supportive and loving. Wednesday's therapy was particularly awful when she spent and hour throwing things and beating on this giant polar bear toy screaming and yelling that the bear needed to die as she beat the crap out of it. She was back to the point where everything I do or don't do is scrutinized. It was unbearable.
So, last night like every day at 5:00, I called her while driving home. And like every day for the last few weeks we had the same exact conversation. Me asking her open ended questions trying to get her to talk and her just giving 1 word answers or not answering at all. Then she will ask me to buy her several things, when I say no she gets angry and hangs up. Last night during my call Sweetie did her same not talk and then hang up. She talked to Cris at 7 and asked me to call. When I called back she said she was sorry but she knows I don't believe her. I answered that it hard to believe she is sorry when she keeps doing the same thing she says sorry for. she then started with arguing. I asked why she thought she felt so angry. She finally yelled out because I left her there. I told her she is right to feel that way. I would feel that way. I asked her if she thought being mean and hanging up made her feel any better. She didn't answer. I then asked what she thought she would accomplish by doing it. She said that we would send her to a foster home like one of her friends there. I immediately said That is not an option! She asked why not and I just repeated over and over again that it is not an option. I then said that the harder she pushes the more we are going to try, that she can not and will not push us away. She started crying and apologizing. Saying she doesn't know why she is like this. I told her that is what we are working on. She said she is doing great in the cottage just not with me. I told her that she needs to work with me on our relationship to come home. She said no that it is only her behavior in the cottage. I said honey this is not like foster care, other people aren't in charge of your life. If Papi and I saw you were working towards coming home we could bring you home, but if your working against us we can't see doing that. She said why don't you bring me home if you can. I said you are not ready yet. You have made good progress in your skills and learning to control your big tantrums and I am proud of that. But it is hard to see bringing you back home when you act like you hate us. It wouldn't feel safe. I asked her if she would like to start over? That we will forgive this last couple weeks that I hear her that she is angry about being there and I respect that and understand that. I told her that I love her more than anything and I will keep working and hoped she could too. She said she would try. We shall see. I thought this was pretty big. I would be interested to see how she processes this.
For now I will celebrate this small breakthrough. I know ity must be exhausting to live in her world. To be stuck in this fear, anger and unable to relax and just be loved. It must be awful to be caught in the grey.

Rest

Rest: relief or freedom, especially from anything that wearies, troubles, or disturbs.

Rest, something I am not accustom to. Until this weekend I do not know if I have ever truly experienced true rest. My life until now has been a journey with many rocks in the middle of the path. This past year has felt as if an avalanche of rocks has fallen on top of me. Each time I can get out from under the rocks, more have fallen on top of me. Leaving me broken physically, emotionally, spiritually. Being Sweetie's mom has been beyond anything I could have prepared for. The depths of pain that her little soul has carried for so long has spilled out of her into me for almost a year now. My mothers heart has been forged by all of the of the suffering she faces daily. The more love I pour into her, the more pain that ruptures out of all of the cracks in her defenses. I have collected all of her traumas in my own heart and there it took over filling every corner. I could only think to myself that I can save her. If I can just love her enough and get her the right therapy she will be healed. Oh, the arrogance I have had to even for a moment believe that I alone could fix her, make her whole. The more I have tried, the more my dear child has pushed away, as if it would surely kill her if she were to face her trauma. Trauma beyond anything I can imagine. The things I know of Sweetie's history causes me so much pain. I know that she has only shared a little, only what she can handle without dying from the pain. When it causes me so much pain, how could she possibly face it. So, I have taken on my child's burden as any mother would. I know there is no way that her little scared heart could begin to face the extensive neglect and trauma  by herself. It fills her with shame and that spreads to me. Creating the very situation she is so desperately scared will happen. The harder she pushes me away the safer she feels. This constant rejection has worn a path right through my heart. Leaving me exhausted, hollow and feeling unlovable.
Just as I reach the point where I felt I could bear no more, I came to the Warehouse 242 women's retreat. The theme was Rest. And how I needed this rest. Physically I needed to sleep. I still feel as if I could sleep for days. I went thinking I would relax, read and spend time with friends. That all sounded good.
But the rest I truly needed was the rest that only God can give by taking my burdens. But I struggled with letting them go. They are as much a part of me as my hair or my skin. I have proudly worn them like badges of accomplishments. This has cost me dearly, it has worn me to the point that I am ill most of the time. That my mind is in so many other places that I damaged my car door when I put the car in Reverse instead of Park. I was desperately in need of this rest. This rest took work and at times was uncomfortable. I had to face my own issues with abandonment and unforgiveness of myself.
 I spent hours in solitude and reflecting on my life, my path. Is my vision of my life what God's vision of my life is?. The song  "Spirit Speaks" resonated  most for me.

 

With every breath I breathe 

With every song I sing

I want to shout it out 

Lord I am listening

To every word You speak  

I'll go where You will lead

To love the least of these 

My greatest offering

To love the least of these is painstakingly hard. I still believe that adopting Sweetie is what I was meant to do. I believe we are meant to adopt again. I have prayed a lot on this.
I had received an email this past week about the possibility that Sweetie's 4 month old nephew may be needing to be adopted in the future and they wanted to keep communication open  as we are the closest thing to family that they can consider. I did not know the details  at the time until I looked Sweetie's sister up on Google to find her Facebook page again and I saw that she was missing again since mid March. I have gotten word that she is back again but was gone again.
She has started the cycle of abandonment and neglect all over again. But how could she not? This is all she knows of love...that love hurts, love leaves.

 It would not be easy but we could do raise him and Sweetie. If we do not I fear Sweetie will lose one of her last blood relatives. I see that it may also be healthy for Sweetie to have an young child around to help her by having someone young to play with. She wouldn't have to feel shame for wanting to play with young children toys. This could let her have the childhood she never had.On the other hand Sweetie could be extremely jealous and potentially she could try to hurt her nephew. We would have to have all kinds of safety plans in effect. We have to make some major lifestyle changes. But we could do it. I am leaving it in God's hands. If the baby is meant to be with us than he will be. If not than he won't. We have been advised to update our home study and be certified as foster parents. We are going to prepare ourselves in case the situation does arise, we will be prepared. For now I pray for the path I am meant to be on will show itself.

Rejected

You would think that the hardest parts of being the mom to a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder would be the major melt downs. But it is not. It is so much harder to deal with the constant rejection.She is completely rejecting me right now. No hugs when she sees me, phone calls are very brief and distracted.  It really does seem that the more love you pour into the child with reactive attachment disorder the more rocks they throw back at you. I know being a parent in general is a thankless job. I don't expect or want Sweetie to thank me for being her mom. In a perfect world I wouldn't have to be because her bio mom would have been a good mom. But this is not a perfect world and I am paying for her bio mom and all the "moms" that failed her over the last 9 years of her life. Why should she believe that I love her? What is love to her anyway? I imagine love means hurt and loss. How many people have said they loved her to just turn their backs. Maybe it is not "I love you" that I should be saying. My friends Megan and Matt have a little thing they say to each other instead of I love you... it is "YOU MATTER". Perhaps that is a better thing to say, because she does matter. Even though others have failed to see it, I see that she matters. I wonder how she would respond to that. I had my second lesson on Theraplay today. While this is usually a treatment used for younger children, we are experimenting with Sweetie, because she is emotionally still just a toddler. Since her basic needs as an infant and toddler were never met, she is stuck their emotionally. The hopes are that a few things will happen during these sessions that I will be facilitating at home. First is for her to be able to develop a feeling of safety and trust. Second is to learn to play and build self esteem. Third is to learn to identify with different emotions. Our sessions can look like may things. I created a box of all kinds of toys and art supplies. I have paint and craft supplies, dolls, bubbles, games, cotton balls, baby lotion... all kinds of things. Once a week for 30 minutes we have to do uninterrupted, completely engaged play time. That will be harder than it sounds. We need to block out all other distractions and she has to do it. AT first it will not be an issue. She will be excited to go through all her new stuff. But once she sees that it is the same stuff every week, she will begin to get bored with it and begin to reject that as well. I am hopeful that this may help. We have nothing to lose if it doesn't work, so I am going to try. I feel like all I do is try and I get shot down constantly. Every detail of  things I do or don't do is scrutinized. What I say or even don't say gets twisted into something that she can fight about. This will be a challenge during our play therapy times because I need to avoid power struggles at all cost during this 30 minutes. She is completely in control during this time, except if she is in danger or getting ready to cause harm to herself or others. It will be interesting to see how she transitions back to not being in charge.
We are going to try a day visit Saturday and take her to the zoo with my Aunt Sandy. I am hoping for a good day. One that we can build good memories on. For now, I will continue to take akk the rejection she can dish out. That is about the only way I can prove that I am here no matter what. For now I have to be as strong as titanium.

Safe

I had forgotten how completely exhausting having Sweetie home can be. We had our first over night visit today and she is trying her same old tricks. I knew this would be a trying visit. They have taken Sweetie off the Risperdol this week. I am glad they did! Not only did she gain 60 pounds on it, but it elevated her cholesterol and her liver enzymes. Now the trick will be finding what she can take that does not have those major side effects. The psychiatrist and therapist think she will have to be on a mood stabilizer. Yesterday she had a pretty significant episode while I was there for a therapy session that Sweetie was not involved in.
I was learning about play therapy and how to facilitate the play therapy sessions myself. Sweetie has never liked it much if I am in with the therapist and she is not. While I was in there, she had a major meltdown that included her running away from her mentor and having an order called to have her restrained. When the mentor went to restrain her she could see the terror that takes over Sweetie when someone is going to touch her when she is in one of her tantrums and decided to not do the restraint. She felt it would cause more trauma to Sweetie. I can agree with that from the one time I restrained her. It brought her right back to one of the bad moments in her life when she was being abused by her father.
Even though it was most likely my presence that brought on this event it was good that I was there to see first hand the process of how they debrief after. Everything that is done by the staff at the PRTF is to keep Sweetie safe, even if it is from herself. She doesn't have rational thinking when she is in one of her tantrums. Sequences of evens get jumbled and she does not pay attention to her surroundings. She easily could have been hit by a car when she darted up the middle of the road to get away from her mentor.
 This was the first time the PRTF has seen this out of Sweetie. I am glad she is starting to show her hurt self to them. She has been "honeymooning" for the last 6 weeks. It was starting to concern the therapist that she would not have enough documentation to keep her there longer than 6 months since she was not having major unsafe behaviors. The therapist has said that Sweetie is the most significant case of Reactive Attachment Disorder she has seen. And that she is worried that if she is discharged in 6 months that we may not get very far with her.  I am pretty sure that now that she has showed them that side of her that she will have no issues doing it more. And that will hopefully get her to be able to stay long enough to get the treatment she needs.
I had no idea how much constant stress I was under before she left until she came home today.
It made me think of a speaker that I really like to listen to Holly Van Gulden. She says if a frog jumps into boiling water, he immediately jumps out so that he will not die. But you can take that same frog and put him into a cool pot of water and slowly increase the temperature and the frog will not move and he will eventually boil to death. That is exactly how it was living with Sweetie from the beginning. The increase in behavioral issues was so gradual that it was really bad before we realized we had to do something. But now I have been out of that boiling water and it feels not right to jump back in. I won't jump back in like it is. Today showed that she really is not ready to come home yet. She can not handle the most basic of instruction with out an argument.
She intentionally tried to sabotage dinner, she tried to triangulate Cris and I . Both things were to create arguments. I wont go for it. I am sure that being back here makes her feel out of control and unsafe.
She has to try to regain that control so that she feels that she will not die. Even though I understand it, it is completely exhausting. It makes me doubt my ability to help here heal in the long run  I know I do not have a choice and I have to try. But I have doubt that I will make a difference. Is the damage that has been done, so grave that she may never recover? Will she ever be able to love me or anyone? Will she ever be able to truly feel safe? I pray she can.

Home Visits

Things have started to settle down a lot now. I am healing up. Darling is getting better every day. We have found little boots that help stabilize her feet so that she can walk for a bit longer than without them. Which is great! 

We have started home visits with Sweetie last weekend and then again today. We celebrated Easter today. We decorated eggs, had an egg hunt and had a nice dinner with Sweetie, my brother, sis n law and niece.

She did better than I expected. I really anticipated her having a problem with having my niece here. But she did well. It was a good day. Sweetie said it was a day full of good memories. That makes me happy.

Sweetie's therapist at the PRTF is stating she is not getting anywhere with her. As I already know she is able to distract and totally run her therapy sessions. The therapist has decided it will be best to work more on Sweetie bonding with me, than in trying to get Sweetie to work on her issues. Because Sweetie's defense mechanisms are so developed and so strong she knows that they will most likely not be able to get Sweetie to a place that she feels comfortable enough to process any of her trauma while there. Her hopes is that we can create a bond strong enough between Sweetie and I to help her feel safe enough to work once she comes home. Our hope is the structure she is living in will break habits that she had that made it unsafe for her to be home. Our plan is to try to keep things as structured as they are at the PRTF when she moves home and slowly ease back the structure over time, as she can tolerate it. 

I am beginning to be hopeful that being at the PRTF will help Sweetie get to a point where she can work with me on healing. 

Drifting...blessings when you least expect it.

Just when you think you have hit the bottom, the bottom falls out. The last time I wrote I was in a pretty bad funk. Honestly the lowest I have ever felt. I remember thinking "God, I can not handle one more thing!".
Then the world crashes down around you. Last Friday while my husband was in Ecuador I was involved in a major car accident. One of those ones at rush hour that messed up everyone's commute for hours on one of our cities major highways. Totaling my car and the car I hit. I had just picked up my dogs from the groomer and was talking to one of my best friends about how frustrated I was with Sweetie. She had been particularly mean to me the whole week and had hung up on me just an hour before the accident. I got off the phone and was getting ready to merge into an exit lane. As I looked over my shoulder to make sure no one was in my blind spot as I was merging right the car in front of me slammed on the breaks. Simultaneously, my dog was trying to jump into my lap, I pushed him off me onto the floor just as we collided with the car in front of us. My car spun completely around, all airbags deployed. My poor dogs were thrown about the car. I wish I could say that I pleaded for God to save me, but I actually said the F word and waited for the second impact to come. But it never happened. It was a miracle that the young man driving behind me did not collide into us. As soon as the car stopped and people started to try to get me out of the car I immediately started accessing my dogs. Hunter was on the floor and seemed ok, Oakley was yelping as if he was severely injured and Darling was just laying on the floor in the back behind me, not making any noise. People kept trying to open the doors. I was yelling at them to not let the dogs out. Noone would help me with the dogs. The police and firemen wouldn't and I wouldn't get out of the car without knowing they were safe. I didn't even realized that I was hurt myself. I remember someone yelling at me to turn the car off because gas was leaking and the car was smoking. Finally this young man (Ryan) comes to the car and asked if he could help. I asked if he could put my dogs in his car until I could get some one to come get them. He was able to move each of the dogs to his vehicle and then I moved to his vehicle as well. I know Darling was separated from me for a few minutes. I knew she was hurt badly, but did not know exactly how bad. Oakley looked Ok even though he was still visibly shaken. Hunter was just looking out the windows of the car watching everyone. I called Shelli and Megan to come meet me at the scene so I could get the dogs to the Emergency Vet and get myself to the emergency room. I refused to go in the ambulance because I needed to make sure my pups were ok.
When Shelli got there and she tried to pick up Darling I could finally see how badly hurt she was, her back legs completely flopped underneath her and she was paralyzed from her lower back down. Shelli had to park on the other side of the highway because there was no way she could get to me on the side of the road I was because of the back up. Ryan drove me and the pups up the highway a bit to be equal to Shelli's car and helped us get the dogs over to her vehicle. From there she got me up to a road where a police officer could get my statement and then he was nice enough to take me to the next exit where Matt and Megan met me to take me to the hospital. The vets at Carolina Veterinary Specialist evaluated all three dogs and cleared Hunter and Oakley but the verified my fears of Darling being paralyzed. And there it was the new lowest moment in my life. I was about to lose my dog too. But then everything started to fall into place. Friends helped arrange a way for us to pay for Darling to have surgery, she was being transferred to a neurologist in Matthews and I was being taken back to be treated at the hospital. My PA ended up being someone I knew and she took great care of me. Darling was able to have surgery on her back and she is slowly recovering.
With all of this on top of the stress I was already dealing with I very well could have just gave up. But I didn't. In my greatest moment of weakness and need, I felt peace and I felt loved. I have been blessed by so many who have taken care of me and my dogs. Shelli, Megan and Matt took care of me for days. I have received several meals from neighbors. It has truly been amazing the amount of generosity and love that has been pour upon us. I can honestly say that this accident could have been so much worse, but I feel I was protected. And for this I am grateful.
As bad of a day as that was we had an equally good day with Sweetie this Sunday for her birthday. We had beautiful cupcakes and decorations and gifts at the PRTF. Everyone there participated. It was a real nice time. Sweetie had a nice 13th party.
It took these negative events to make me see the true blessing that I have received .

I Want You Here

 

  The last 12 days have pretty much been a blur. I have been trying to stay busy, so that I can't sit long enough to really process that Sweetie is not here right now. Having my birthday without her here really made it so real for me. Then Cris left for Ecuador for 12 days. Leaving me home alone, which is the last thing I want to be. I don't really know what I was expecting it to be like when Sweetie wasn't home anymore. But,I do miss her so much. I still know that she is right were she needs to be. Knowing that does not make me feel any better. She is starting to come out of her "honeymoon" phase already at PRTF. She is starting to be very rejecting toward me. I visit about 3 times a week. This week she has started her control things again. Yesterday I went for a long visit. For over 2 hours she refused to interact with me. I tried to get her to go for a walk with me, she jumped on her bike and rode 200 feet in front of me, not looking back. I did this for a while and then turned around and started walking back alone. Eventually she looked back and I was far away from her so she caught up and wanted to go back to her cottage. From there I tried to get her to do different activities with me and she refused. She wanted to watch a movie so I agreed. She would not sit near me and she piled up pillows between us on the couch. If I tried to touch her she would quickly move away. Her therapist came in just to ask basic questions and she refused to answer her and kept saying to ask me. They were questions about what she felt were her favorite things about herself, her strengths, what she likes to do, what she would like to accomplish during her time there. The therapist also told Sweetie that she had to spend quality time with me when I am there. She said she didn't have to. Eventually I left because she was having a hard time staying regulated. When I left she went back to being sweet. Within 10 minutes of leaving she called me to apologize. Then today on the phone she was back to refusing to talk and then she hung up on me. She called an hour later and asked if I was mad at her, I said I was not mad, just hurt. I asked if she had anything else she wanted to talk about and she asked what I wanted to talk about, I told her I didn't really feel like talking after being hung up on. She just said goodbye and hung up again. The therapist had told me she is starting to show her attitude and is having a harder time keeping herself together. I am sure that it will not be long before she has one of her major tantrums. I know in my head that she will get worse before she can begin to work on healing, It is one thing to know it will happen and another to actually experience it. With my husband being in Ecuador I have been home alone a lot. I am trying to stay busy. I have made meals for people, painted the bathroom, painted the hall, read books; but I can't get away from this sad feeling. I have always been such a strong person. I never really thought much about it. As my mom recently said "through all those life experiences you pulled yourself up by your boot straps and kept on going". This year has by far been the most challenging of my life. Losing Leah was probably the single toughest event of my life. I know that legally she never became mine, but in my heart she was my daughter. I can truly understand how girls years ago felt when they were forced to give up their children for adoption. To know your child is out there being raised by someone else. Always wondering where she is, if she is safe, if she is being taken care of. There is not a single day that passes that I do not think about her. And now with Sweetie not living at home I feel as if I have lost both of my girls.I have gotten so good at just keep going on. Then again there really isn't an alternative. I continue to believe there is a reason for all of this and that there is hope. There just has to be. I just downloaded the latest Plumb CD and this song really captures how I have been feeling lately.

 

All of Me

I received the call Thursday afternoon that Sweetie would be getting admitted to PRTF the next day. My friend Megan put it the best that it seemed so far away, yet now it seems too soon. For the last month every time there was a blow up or she was being defiant I would think just another week. But then when I got the call it was like someone hit me with a board. Less than 24 hours and I had to bring her in. Are you ever ready to let your child go? I sit here tonight completely broken, worn down and heart broken. I know we can not go on the way we have been, just barely surviving for the last 7 months. My sweet child's heart is so protected that she has only allowed herself to cry for less than a minute about leaving. Other than that, there has been absolutely no emotion about leaving . I ask her if she is scared, she states she is not. I believe her, with all this little solider has faced in her short lifetime moving again is nothing to her. I worry so much for my daughter. I hope that we are not too late to intervene positively in her life.When I brought her in for admission she was her normal chatty self with the room of complete strangers. The average child would be scared to death to sit at a table with psychiatrist, therapist, nurses, counselors and social workers. But not my kiddo, she tried to command attention. She was asking a million nonsense questions and yelling out in excitement over things she would notice in the room. After the couple hours of paperwork, it was time to unpack her things in her room. The room is large with a twin bed and a desk in it. The girls clothing and toiletries are kept in another room. Here is a picture of her bed, with her own bedding and some of her belongings. She also has her own bathroom. Over all it is comfortable surroundings. They have a tv and wii in the common area. They are allowed to have stereos in their rooms for music and posters for their walls.

They keep the kids busy most of the time and things are very regimented. In the home each child is assigned a mentor who works with her. Each mentor only has 2 children. They are required to do their own laundry and do chores daily. For now she is holding herself together and controlling her anger. She says she has been agitated but does not know them yet so she is keeping it together. I guess that is part of the thing that is hardest to accept as a parent of a RAD kid, they will behave better for any stranger than they ever will for the parents. I know some people say that is true of all kids. But our kids take it to a whole new level. 

Sweetie is withdrawn during our 15 minute phone calls each day. Each time, she is doing something else like watching a movie. Conversation is very superficial. She only wants to talk about what I can bring her or what we will be doing when she comes to visit "my house". She refers to our house as being mine, not hers. Tonight she did not ask about my husband at all. She was more agitated and was trying to argue about what we are getting her for her birthday. She wants a guitar. When we asked about the guitar to the therapist she did not think it was a good idea. I told Sweetie that I thought it would be best to hold off on that, but she wants what she wants. When I said I didn't think we would be getting that until after she got home, she got upset and said she had to go. I wonder when it will be when she refuses to talk to me all together. I know that is coming. Eventually she will become angry at me for admitting her. Even knowing that this will happen, it will still be difficult. 

As for me, I am kind of feeling lost. For over 2 years I have been on this adoption journey. You kind of end up on a constant adrenaline high from all the twist and turns of the adoption process and then the transitioning to being a family. Friday everything came to a crashing halt. Everything is now completely out of my hands. Strangers are taking care of my daughter. Strangers are making all decisions for her. Strangers will be the ones comforting her when she starts to face her demons. Strangers will be the ones bonding with her. I have to remind myself that to Sweetie we are also strangers. So this is nothing new for her. They are just new caretakers. I am committed to doing what ever I need to do to help Sweetie's heart heal. I have a peace that this is the right path for her. I am currently reading a book called "Detached Surviving Reactive Attachment Disorder" by Jessie Hogsett. It is written from a grown up RAD kid about his journey. I am to the part where he is entering a PRTF at the age of 12. The beauty of this story is, I have the pleasure of being part of a group with the author of this book. I know that his story is full of hope. I know that he is capable of love and has a beautiful family of his own. I know that he now pours his heart into supporting families of children with RAD. 
He is my constant reminder that there is hope for healing. 

I am amazed at the favor that God has for Sweetie. There have been so many opportunities that have been available to Sweetie that should not have happened. The program she was accepted to works with girls until they turn 13. Normally they would not have even accepted her, but they made an exception to rules for her. The same thing had happened with her school this past year. During times of trouble it is so easy to turn away from God. I can understand that people would question "why would God allow this to happen?".
But I do not question it. God did not do this, he allows free will and man did this. God has provided a path to healing and that healing starts with me. And I am prepared to give all of me to help her heal. 

This is one of my favorite songs.

Sisters (please note some parts are graphic in nature)

Of all the losses that I have worried were the most damaging, losing her sister was the one that I felt was the worst. Sweetie idolized her big sister. And for a few years her sister was on a really dangerous path. Sweetie's social workers felt it was best to split the 2 kids so Sweetie wouldn't follow down the same path.
It had been over a year since Sweetie last talked to her big sister. She was missing her awfully.
The last I had heard, her sister (who I will refer to as Sissy) did not want any contact with Sweetie. After being on the run for almost a year Sissy is finally back living with a prospective adoptive family and just had a baby at age 14. Recently I have contacted Sweetie's social worker to try to get any photos and things from Sweetie's childhood to start working on her Life Book. A life book is kind of a scrapbook that tells an adopted child's story. It is very therapeutic for them. When chatting with her social worker I asked her to pass my info onto Sissy's family, so that maybe in the future we could facilitate communication. I was quite surprised when I received a short email the night before last from Sissy.
I shared Sweetie's email with her (Which I completely monitor). The girls started emailing back and forth. Today Sissy called to talk to Sweetie. It was amazing to see Sweetie light up in a way that I normally do not get to see. It seems like this new home is a good fit for her. They have gotten her caught up in school, encouraged her to get a job and are teaching her to be a mom to her baby. Sissy has had to learn to survive living on her own at the age of 13. She has gotten herself into unspeakable situations. She is aged well beyond her 14 years of age. My heart was breaking as she was telling Sweetie that no matter how she feels to never run away. That life is rough and she shared how people she thought she was friends with loured her into an apartment where they tied her up, drugged her with heroine& and then let random men force them selves on her for 3 days straight. The thought of that happening to sweetie scares the death out of me and nauseates me. She soon found herself living with a grown man who said he wanted her to have his baby, so she got pregnant and he is now in jail for sex with a minor. These are things that 13-14 year old girls should never have to deal with. But then again, she should never have had to deal with her stepfather abusing her for years either. Sissy took the brunt of the abuse to protect Sweetie. I still can't wrap my brain around the situations that both girls faced as children. I am sure there is so much more that has happened that I do not know. I may never know.The physical abuse, the squalor they lived in, the neglect they faced. No wonder they can not trust any adult. How could you ever trust anyone, let alone adults?

You can tell how much Sissy cares for Sweetie and doesn't want her to end up on the same road. She was praising her for good grades and lecturing her to wait to have sex until she is married because being a mom is hard work.She talked about not getting tattoos because it is harder to get a job with a visible tattoos.
One of things I found interesting is Sissy being older sees relationships with families differently. Where Sweetie has a very romanticized memory of her biological family, Sissy remembers them, how mean they were and that they were mean because of the drugs they were doing. All in all it was a good call.
A lot of it didn't sink in with Sweetie for an hour or so. I asked her during dinner (with just her and I) how she felt about the call, she said "Great" I said I thought some of the discussion was pretty heavy stuff. Sweetie didn't really know what I was talking about. When I mentioned the being tied up and all that bad stuff, she said  it made her sad, that she really didn't even think anything of it right away until I mentioned that is it was heavy. We talked for a while about the situation and about how good families are there to protect their kids from these situations. It is our job to teach them how to be safe and avoid bad situations.

We will see how communications continue. In the past the girls relationship has been very volatile. I will continue to monitor all conversations. I feel good about this. I think it is so important to have connection to bio family, as long as the relationship is healthy. I am hoping this will be a good thing.

On the PRTF we are still in the waiting stage. They are saying there should be a discharge this coming week. Monday, I need to get her primary psychiatrist to sign off on her admission and the psychiatrist at the center to sign off on it as well and we should be good to go. I am praying we can get her admitted before the end of the month when Cris goes to Ecuador for 10 days. Last time he went to Ecuador was when Sweetie needed to be hospitalized for 2 weeks. I don't know if I can do this on my own.  I surely don't want to be admitting her to the PRTF by myself. But as I always I will do what I have to do, because I have no other choice.
I continue to pray that Sweetie will understand why we are admitting her to the residential program, that she will find healing during this upcoming part of our journey together.