Home Visits

Things have started to settle down a lot now. I am healing up. Darling is getting better every day. We have found little boots that help stabilize her feet so that she can walk for a bit longer than without them. Which is great! 

We have started home visits with Sweetie last weekend and then again today. We celebrated Easter today. We decorated eggs, had an egg hunt and had a nice dinner with Sweetie, my brother, sis n law and niece.

She did better than I expected. I really anticipated her having a problem with having my niece here. But she did well. It was a good day. Sweetie said it was a day full of good memories. That makes me happy.

Sweetie's therapist at the PRTF is stating she is not getting anywhere with her. As I already know she is able to distract and totally run her therapy sessions. The therapist has decided it will be best to work more on Sweetie bonding with me, than in trying to get Sweetie to work on her issues. Because Sweetie's defense mechanisms are so developed and so strong she knows that they will most likely not be able to get Sweetie to a place that she feels comfortable enough to process any of her trauma while there. Her hopes is that we can create a bond strong enough between Sweetie and I to help her feel safe enough to work once she comes home. Our hope is the structure she is living in will break habits that she had that made it unsafe for her to be home. Our plan is to try to keep things as structured as they are at the PRTF when she moves home and slowly ease back the structure over time, as she can tolerate it. 

I am beginning to be hopeful that being at the PRTF will help Sweetie get to a point where she can work with me on healing. 

Drifting...blessings when you least expect it.

Just when you think you have hit the bottom, the bottom falls out. The last time I wrote I was in a pretty bad funk. Honestly the lowest I have ever felt. I remember thinking "God, I can not handle one more thing!".
Then the world crashes down around you. Last Friday while my husband was in Ecuador I was involved in a major car accident. One of those ones at rush hour that messed up everyone's commute for hours on one of our cities major highways. Totaling my car and the car I hit. I had just picked up my dogs from the groomer and was talking to one of my best friends about how frustrated I was with Sweetie. She had been particularly mean to me the whole week and had hung up on me just an hour before the accident. I got off the phone and was getting ready to merge into an exit lane. As I looked over my shoulder to make sure no one was in my blind spot as I was merging right the car in front of me slammed on the breaks. Simultaneously, my dog was trying to jump into my lap, I pushed him off me onto the floor just as we collided with the car in front of us. My car spun completely around, all airbags deployed. My poor dogs were thrown about the car. I wish I could say that I pleaded for God to save me, but I actually said the F word and waited for the second impact to come. But it never happened. It was a miracle that the young man driving behind me did not collide into us. As soon as the car stopped and people started to try to get me out of the car I immediately started accessing my dogs. Hunter was on the floor and seemed ok, Oakley was yelping as if he was severely injured and Darling was just laying on the floor in the back behind me, not making any noise. People kept trying to open the doors. I was yelling at them to not let the dogs out. Noone would help me with the dogs. The police and firemen wouldn't and I wouldn't get out of the car without knowing they were safe. I didn't even realized that I was hurt myself. I remember someone yelling at me to turn the car off because gas was leaking and the car was smoking. Finally this young man (Ryan) comes to the car and asked if he could help. I asked if he could put my dogs in his car until I could get some one to come get them. He was able to move each of the dogs to his vehicle and then I moved to his vehicle as well. I know Darling was separated from me for a few minutes. I knew she was hurt badly, but did not know exactly how bad. Oakley looked Ok even though he was still visibly shaken. Hunter was just looking out the windows of the car watching everyone. I called Shelli and Megan to come meet me at the scene so I could get the dogs to the Emergency Vet and get myself to the emergency room. I refused to go in the ambulance because I needed to make sure my pups were ok.
When Shelli got there and she tried to pick up Darling I could finally see how badly hurt she was, her back legs completely flopped underneath her and she was paralyzed from her lower back down. Shelli had to park on the other side of the highway because there was no way she could get to me on the side of the road I was because of the back up. Ryan drove me and the pups up the highway a bit to be equal to Shelli's car and helped us get the dogs over to her vehicle. From there she got me up to a road where a police officer could get my statement and then he was nice enough to take me to the next exit where Matt and Megan met me to take me to the hospital. The vets at Carolina Veterinary Specialist evaluated all three dogs and cleared Hunter and Oakley but the verified my fears of Darling being paralyzed. And there it was the new lowest moment in my life. I was about to lose my dog too. But then everything started to fall into place. Friends helped arrange a way for us to pay for Darling to have surgery, she was being transferred to a neurologist in Matthews and I was being taken back to be treated at the hospital. My PA ended up being someone I knew and she took great care of me. Darling was able to have surgery on her back and she is slowly recovering.
With all of this on top of the stress I was already dealing with I very well could have just gave up. But I didn't. In my greatest moment of weakness and need, I felt peace and I felt loved. I have been blessed by so many who have taken care of me and my dogs. Shelli, Megan and Matt took care of me for days. I have received several meals from neighbors. It has truly been amazing the amount of generosity and love that has been pour upon us. I can honestly say that this accident could have been so much worse, but I feel I was protected. And for this I am grateful.
As bad of a day as that was we had an equally good day with Sweetie this Sunday for her birthday. We had beautiful cupcakes and decorations and gifts at the PRTF. Everyone there participated. It was a real nice time. Sweetie had a nice 13th party.
It took these negative events to make me see the true blessing that I have received .

I Want You Here

 

  The last 12 days have pretty much been a blur. I have been trying to stay busy, so that I can't sit long enough to really process that Sweetie is not here right now. Having my birthday without her here really made it so real for me. Then Cris left for Ecuador for 12 days. Leaving me home alone, which is the last thing I want to be. I don't really know what I was expecting it to be like when Sweetie wasn't home anymore. But,I do miss her so much. I still know that she is right were she needs to be. Knowing that does not make me feel any better. She is starting to come out of her "honeymoon" phase already at PRTF. She is starting to be very rejecting toward me. I visit about 3 times a week. This week she has started her control things again. Yesterday I went for a long visit. For over 2 hours she refused to interact with me. I tried to get her to go for a walk with me, she jumped on her bike and rode 200 feet in front of me, not looking back. I did this for a while and then turned around and started walking back alone. Eventually she looked back and I was far away from her so she caught up and wanted to go back to her cottage. From there I tried to get her to do different activities with me and she refused. She wanted to watch a movie so I agreed. She would not sit near me and she piled up pillows between us on the couch. If I tried to touch her she would quickly move away. Her therapist came in just to ask basic questions and she refused to answer her and kept saying to ask me. They were questions about what she felt were her favorite things about herself, her strengths, what she likes to do, what she would like to accomplish during her time there. The therapist also told Sweetie that she had to spend quality time with me when I am there. She said she didn't have to. Eventually I left because she was having a hard time staying regulated. When I left she went back to being sweet. Within 10 minutes of leaving she called me to apologize. Then today on the phone she was back to refusing to talk and then she hung up on me. She called an hour later and asked if I was mad at her, I said I was not mad, just hurt. I asked if she had anything else she wanted to talk about and she asked what I wanted to talk about, I told her I didn't really feel like talking after being hung up on. She just said goodbye and hung up again. The therapist had told me she is starting to show her attitude and is having a harder time keeping herself together. I am sure that it will not be long before she has one of her major tantrums. I know in my head that she will get worse before she can begin to work on healing, It is one thing to know it will happen and another to actually experience it. With my husband being in Ecuador I have been home alone a lot. I am trying to stay busy. I have made meals for people, painted the bathroom, painted the hall, read books; but I can't get away from this sad feeling. I have always been such a strong person. I never really thought much about it. As my mom recently said "through all those life experiences you pulled yourself up by your boot straps and kept on going". This year has by far been the most challenging of my life. Losing Leah was probably the single toughest event of my life. I know that legally she never became mine, but in my heart she was my daughter. I can truly understand how girls years ago felt when they were forced to give up their children for adoption. To know your child is out there being raised by someone else. Always wondering where she is, if she is safe, if she is being taken care of. There is not a single day that passes that I do not think about her. And now with Sweetie not living at home I feel as if I have lost both of my girls.I have gotten so good at just keep going on. Then again there really isn't an alternative. I continue to believe there is a reason for all of this and that there is hope. There just has to be. I just downloaded the latest Plumb CD and this song really captures how I have been feeling lately.

 

All of Me

I received the call Thursday afternoon that Sweetie would be getting admitted to PRTF the next day. My friend Megan put it the best that it seemed so far away, yet now it seems too soon. For the last month every time there was a blow up or she was being defiant I would think just another week. But then when I got the call it was like someone hit me with a board. Less than 24 hours and I had to bring her in. Are you ever ready to let your child go? I sit here tonight completely broken, worn down and heart broken. I know we can not go on the way we have been, just barely surviving for the last 7 months. My sweet child's heart is so protected that she has only allowed herself to cry for less than a minute about leaving. Other than that, there has been absolutely no emotion about leaving . I ask her if she is scared, she states she is not. I believe her, with all this little solider has faced in her short lifetime moving again is nothing to her. I worry so much for my daughter. I hope that we are not too late to intervene positively in her life.When I brought her in for admission she was her normal chatty self with the room of complete strangers. The average child would be scared to death to sit at a table with psychiatrist, therapist, nurses, counselors and social workers. But not my kiddo, she tried to command attention. She was asking a million nonsense questions and yelling out in excitement over things she would notice in the room. After the couple hours of paperwork, it was time to unpack her things in her room. The room is large with a twin bed and a desk in it. The girls clothing and toiletries are kept in another room. Here is a picture of her bed, with her own bedding and some of her belongings. She also has her own bathroom. Over all it is comfortable surroundings. They have a tv and wii in the common area. They are allowed to have stereos in their rooms for music and posters for their walls.

They keep the kids busy most of the time and things are very regimented. In the home each child is assigned a mentor who works with her. Each mentor only has 2 children. They are required to do their own laundry and do chores daily. For now she is holding herself together and controlling her anger. She says she has been agitated but does not know them yet so she is keeping it together. I guess that is part of the thing that is hardest to accept as a parent of a RAD kid, they will behave better for any stranger than they ever will for the parents. I know some people say that is true of all kids. But our kids take it to a whole new level. 

Sweetie is withdrawn during our 15 minute phone calls each day. Each time, she is doing something else like watching a movie. Conversation is very superficial. She only wants to talk about what I can bring her or what we will be doing when she comes to visit "my house". She refers to our house as being mine, not hers. Tonight she did not ask about my husband at all. She was more agitated and was trying to argue about what we are getting her for her birthday. She wants a guitar. When we asked about the guitar to the therapist she did not think it was a good idea. I told Sweetie that I thought it would be best to hold off on that, but she wants what she wants. When I said I didn't think we would be getting that until after she got home, she got upset and said she had to go. I wonder when it will be when she refuses to talk to me all together. I know that is coming. Eventually she will become angry at me for admitting her. Even knowing that this will happen, it will still be difficult. 

As for me, I am kind of feeling lost. For over 2 years I have been on this adoption journey. You kind of end up on a constant adrenaline high from all the twist and turns of the adoption process and then the transitioning to being a family. Friday everything came to a crashing halt. Everything is now completely out of my hands. Strangers are taking care of my daughter. Strangers are making all decisions for her. Strangers will be the ones comforting her when she starts to face her demons. Strangers will be the ones bonding with her. I have to remind myself that to Sweetie we are also strangers. So this is nothing new for her. They are just new caretakers. I am committed to doing what ever I need to do to help Sweetie's heart heal. I have a peace that this is the right path for her. I am currently reading a book called "Detached Surviving Reactive Attachment Disorder" by Jessie Hogsett. It is written from a grown up RAD kid about his journey. I am to the part where he is entering a PRTF at the age of 12. The beauty of this story is, I have the pleasure of being part of a group with the author of this book. I know that his story is full of hope. I know that he is capable of love and has a beautiful family of his own. I know that he now pours his heart into supporting families of children with RAD. 
He is my constant reminder that there is hope for healing. 

I am amazed at the favor that God has for Sweetie. There have been so many opportunities that have been available to Sweetie that should not have happened. The program she was accepted to works with girls until they turn 13. Normally they would not have even accepted her, but they made an exception to rules for her. The same thing had happened with her school this past year. During times of trouble it is so easy to turn away from God. I can understand that people would question "why would God allow this to happen?".
But I do not question it. God did not do this, he allows free will and man did this. God has provided a path to healing and that healing starts with me. And I am prepared to give all of me to help her heal. 

This is one of my favorite songs.

Sisters (please note some parts are graphic in nature)

Of all the losses that I have worried were the most damaging, losing her sister was the one that I felt was the worst. Sweetie idolized her big sister. And for a few years her sister was on a really dangerous path. Sweetie's social workers felt it was best to split the 2 kids so Sweetie wouldn't follow down the same path.
It had been over a year since Sweetie last talked to her big sister. She was missing her awfully.
The last I had heard, her sister (who I will refer to as Sissy) did not want any contact with Sweetie. After being on the run for almost a year Sissy is finally back living with a prospective adoptive family and just had a baby at age 14. Recently I have contacted Sweetie's social worker to try to get any photos and things from Sweetie's childhood to start working on her Life Book. A life book is kind of a scrapbook that tells an adopted child's story. It is very therapeutic for them. When chatting with her social worker I asked her to pass my info onto Sissy's family, so that maybe in the future we could facilitate communication. I was quite surprised when I received a short email the night before last from Sissy.
I shared Sweetie's email with her (Which I completely monitor). The girls started emailing back and forth. Today Sissy called to talk to Sweetie. It was amazing to see Sweetie light up in a way that I normally do not get to see. It seems like this new home is a good fit for her. They have gotten her caught up in school, encouraged her to get a job and are teaching her to be a mom to her baby. Sissy has had to learn to survive living on her own at the age of 13. She has gotten herself into unspeakable situations. She is aged well beyond her 14 years of age. My heart was breaking as she was telling Sweetie that no matter how she feels to never run away. That life is rough and she shared how people she thought she was friends with loured her into an apartment where they tied her up, drugged her with heroine& and then let random men force them selves on her for 3 days straight. The thought of that happening to sweetie scares the death out of me and nauseates me. She soon found herself living with a grown man who said he wanted her to have his baby, so she got pregnant and he is now in jail for sex with a minor. These are things that 13-14 year old girls should never have to deal with. But then again, she should never have had to deal with her stepfather abusing her for years either. Sissy took the brunt of the abuse to protect Sweetie. I still can't wrap my brain around the situations that both girls faced as children. I am sure there is so much more that has happened that I do not know. I may never know.The physical abuse, the squalor they lived in, the neglect they faced. No wonder they can not trust any adult. How could you ever trust anyone, let alone adults?

You can tell how much Sissy cares for Sweetie and doesn't want her to end up on the same road. She was praising her for good grades and lecturing her to wait to have sex until she is married because being a mom is hard work.She talked about not getting tattoos because it is harder to get a job with a visible tattoos.
One of things I found interesting is Sissy being older sees relationships with families differently. Where Sweetie has a very romanticized memory of her biological family, Sissy remembers them, how mean they were and that they were mean because of the drugs they were doing. All in all it was a good call.
A lot of it didn't sink in with Sweetie for an hour or so. I asked her during dinner (with just her and I) how she felt about the call, she said "Great" I said I thought some of the discussion was pretty heavy stuff. Sweetie didn't really know what I was talking about. When I mentioned the being tied up and all that bad stuff, she said  it made her sad, that she really didn't even think anything of it right away until I mentioned that is it was heavy. We talked for a while about the situation and about how good families are there to protect their kids from these situations. It is our job to teach them how to be safe and avoid bad situations.

We will see how communications continue. In the past the girls relationship has been very volatile. I will continue to monitor all conversations. I feel good about this. I think it is so important to have connection to bio family, as long as the relationship is healthy. I am hoping this will be a good thing.

On the PRTF we are still in the waiting stage. They are saying there should be a discharge this coming week. Monday, I need to get her primary psychiatrist to sign off on her admission and the psychiatrist at the center to sign off on it as well and we should be good to go. I am praying we can get her admitted before the end of the month when Cris goes to Ecuador for 10 days. Last time he went to Ecuador was when Sweetie needed to be hospitalized for 2 weeks. I don't know if I can do this on my own.  I surely don't want to be admitting her to the PRTF by myself. But as I always I will do what I have to do, because I have no other choice.
I continue to pray that Sweetie will understand why we are admitting her to the residential program, that she will find healing during this upcoming part of our journey together.

Steady My Heart

Wish it could be easy 

Why is life so messy 

Why is pain a part of us 

There are days I feel like 

 Nothing ever goes right 

Sometimes it just hurts so much

Steady My Heart~ Keri Jobe

 I can not believe it has been a year since I last saw baby Leah. There are times I just weep for her and for the journey that we were never able to complete with her. What kind of personality would she have if she was still with us? What would her favorite toy be? What would her favorite book or song be? These are things that sadly I will never know. I wonder if this loss will ever become lighter or if I will always carry it with me? Do I even want it to go away? If it does will I forget about her as if she never was? A year later and I can still remember exactly how she felt when I would have her cradled in my arms for her breathing treatments, how she would laugh in the bath tub when she splashed in the water, the mischievous smile she had when she would tug on Oakley's hair. I am so blessed to have the millions of happy memories of her. I hope I never lose them.

And now a year later I am waiting on another loss with Sweetie leaving for treatment soon. I know with all of my mind, heart and soul that we are doing the right thing by admitting her into PRTF, but it still hurts. I feel like we will lose so much more time with her. We already missed out on 12 years of her life. I am happy we were able to experience Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas with her. But we will miss out on celebrating her first birthday with us. By the time she comes home she will most likely be 14. But I know if we continued trying to work at home with her each of these big events would be big explosions. We have been on the verge of one of her blow ups all week. You can just feel her tension in the air. She has been holding it together (mostly) because there is a dance at school she wants to go to and she knows that I will not allow her to go if she has a blow up. So instead she is being constantly defiant. She wakes up angry, literally kicking. Every interaction is negatively charged. We walk on eggshells just to keep a major blow up from happening. We are basically prisoners in our house. If Cris and I talk she buts in, if we try to hug she puts herself between us. Every movement is met with a counter move by her. We play this game of crazy chess every day. Just when we are about to win the chess board is thrown across the room into a wall
breaking all the chess pieces. I know it is time pick up the pieces now.

Monday I had a planning meeting for Sweetie's admission to the PRTF. We discussed our initial goals for her treatment, they were so basic. To accept no without a tantrum, to just listen, to trust that we will provide for her and she does not have to control everything. Things that most 3 year old children learn. But no one took the time to teach her. As she evolves in treatment our goals for her will evolve. My number one goal was for her to be able to truly accept love, to let it in, to let it embrace her and become part of her. To truly become our family. In my heart she is our family. I just want that to happen for her, in her heart. For her to deep down know without a shadow of a doubt that I love her unconditionally. I wish for her to just relax and trust that we will meet her needs and she can just be a kid. These are the things we are hoping she can develop in residential. I pray for her heart to begin to heal so that she can accept love.
 Last I heard they are expecting to admit Sweetie mid-month, which is next week. But I have not received an admission date. Which in itself drives me nuts. I am a deadline person. The whole process of adopting and now working the mental health system does not work on deadlines at all. I have to work hard to keep my ocd in check. I try to remain cool and calm, but I am really just a hot mess. But then again, I think we all are.

 

Created for Care Adoptive Mom's Retreat and Transitioning

What a weekend. I just got home from the Created For Care Adoptive Moms Retreat. It was a fabulous weekend. It was busy but good. There were 5 of us moms from the area who met up there. It was so nice to have time for bonding and just being silly. One of the Keynote speakers Carissa Woodwyck was amazing. She is a grown up adoptee. Her intense honesty was so heartfelt that you could not help but be moved by her. As she shared about her feeling of wanting to be heard, not just her words or actions, but her heart. To have her unspoken words be heard. To be there, to be present. I believe that was the biggest thing I was meant to hear this weekend. This weekend was scattered with many moments of encounters that were meant to happen. Some were fun and inspirational like the times I spent bonding with my friends (Kim,Linda, Karen & Cat). And then some were uncomfortable and pushed me to be the better person. One such moment was in a breakout session on adopted older children. The session itself was a bit behind where we are in our journey, but the encounter I feel was meant to happen was right before the class. There were just a handful of us that arrived 30 minutes early (guess we didn't pay too close attention to our agenda). Kim and I are talking to the women present when the woman next to us ask if we had a plan B if it didn't work out. First I was kind of taken aback, thinking you can't give back a bio kid, why would you consider giving back an adopted child? And I shared that we do have a plan B, but it did not involve giving up our child. Our plan B was using an outside facility to help her heal, because we can not do it on our own. As I was speaking I noticed how frazzled she was and it hit me, she is most likely dealing with a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder. I asked if she had been working with an attachment therapist. She had no idea what I was talking about. I was able to pull up an attachment therapist in her area on my Ipad and shared it. I hope it is enough to get her the help she needs and that it may save a family. After that, I spent a lot of time praying about whether sending Sweetie to a PRTF (Psychiatric Residential Therapeutic Facility) is the right thing to do. I still feel that is what we need to do. This past week I went to see the facilities at a local PRTF that specializes is children with Reactive Attachment Disorder. I was encouraged to see how the staff seemed genuine in their caring about the children. They made me feel at peace that there is nothing that Sweetie can do that would surprise them. I felt at peace in their chapel which was draped in prayer chains made from all of the children who have stayed there over the years. Again, I believe God has his hands in getting her the help she needs. Sweetie is right on the cusp of being too old for the program, however they made an exception and accepted her even though she turns 13 in March. They have a discharge on the 31st and should be able to get Sweetie in the following week. I have all her paperwork handed in already. I am hoping to get a date for admission in the next day or so. I want to be able to prepare ourselves for her leaving our house for a while. The sooner we get started with treatment the sooner we can get her to begin healing. It will be sad in our house for a long time. Even though there are many bad times in our home there are also fun times. Times of laughter and silliness. Those are the times I will miss. But those times will hopefully return. Today when I got home she says that she wishes she was going to residential. I wonder whether she says this to try to hurt me or as a defense mechanism? After this weekend away, I was able to look at things more clearly, without the fresh emotion involved. I know now more than ever that this is her best chance at healing. I pray she will see that I am not giving up on her. That I will be there each and every time I am allowed to be there. It may take time for her see that I am still here and I am not going away. But she will see... I am here, I do hear her. I hear her spoken word, I hear the meaning behind the behaviors, I hear her when she is quiet and saying nothing at all. I know what she feels in her heart, I know the pain and I am not scared. I am here. I AM PRESENT. How I am loved I love my daughter...

Holding On by Letting Go... Why We Choose PRTF for our Daughter.

When I last wrote I was so torn about what was the best way to have Sweetie's needs met. I was feeling a huge amount of guilt over even considering placing Sweetie into a residential program. I prayed about it and placed it in God's hands. That same day that I released myself from having to decide, Sweetie made it easy to see what I needed to do to help her. The amazing amount of pain and fear that she feels constantly has become completely overwhelming for her and she can no longer contain it. This past week Sweetie had her largest and worst rage fit to date. It involved throwing tools at me, smashing our large steam cleaner, throwing glasses at Cris and kicking through her bedroom door. This was the first time she escalated this much with someone other than my husband or myself there. This time she did it in front of one of my best friends, who has been watching her. It scared her to death. It took hours to get Sweetie to settle down from this tantrum. We had started the process of admitting her to a PRTF (Psychiatric Residential Treatment Facility) back when she placed Darling over the fence and the neighbors dog mauled Darlings paw. All of the evaluations came back that they recommend residential. The program who evaluated will not accept her into their program because off her needs. The recommended me to one that specializes in Reactive Attachment Disorder. This was not the first time I received this recommendation. The Psychiatric Hospital recommended it in September and our Attachment Therapist has been discussing it since before Sweetie ever came to live with us from her history. We wanted to give her the opportunity to try to work on her issues at home with us. However her awesome defense mechanisms won't allow her to. She is getting sicker and sicker and taking is down with her. If she was a child with Cancer there would be no question of what to do. I would have her in the hospital being treated with chemo and radiation today. Although I know how sick she would be from the treatment, I would do it and I would be at the hospital every day to be with her. Just because we have decided to have Sweetie admitted to a PRTF does not mean that we are washing our hands of her or giving up on her. I will be going to be with her every chance they allow. The programs that I have narrowed down are both Attachment focused programs. This will require us being extremely involved. We will be going through family therapies with her. The programs are designed to help Sweetie attach to us, our participation is crucial. So, my life has become much more complicated. It will consist of getting off work and driving to the other safe of town daily to work with Sweetie on healing.our lives will revolve around her treatment. It will all be worth it if she can find healing. This is the best chance she has at getting to a place that we can begin to work on truly healing her heart.My hopes are that she will be able to see that we are still here to love her and to help her heal. I pray that she can learn to lower her wall in her heart and mind, allowing me to come in and help her face the pain and trauma that she has not been able to access. I hope she can come to a place where she can accept that bad stuff happened and know that it does not define her. That she is still a beautiful soul and she is so very loved. This will be one of the most unselfish things I have ever done. I feel as if I will miss out on so much while she is there. But it will all be worth it if she can find herself under all that anger and fear. I believe this is what we need to do. I have 2 programs I have been looking at. One is here in Charlotte and one is 2 hours away. I am trusting God to help direct us to the right one. It will take a few weeks to get through the admissions process.So for now I am just holding on.

Hearts a Mess

When all you know from the time you are born is adults hurt you, how do you ever trust anyone? Could you live 12 years, 144 months, 4380 days of not having your basic needs met, being abused, being lied to, being tossed around, not being loved? The trauma of Sweetie's past is so hardwired into her brain that it is a part of her. At her core she is stuck in fight or flight mode. I can't blame her. It is because of this that she is alive today. But the same defense mechanisms that she has been using to survive are now destroying her. These mechanisms will not allow her to really attach. She is doing what she is capable right now. But the trauma of her past is so awful that it her mind will not even let her access the memories of many events. She can say my dad abused me. But when asked to talk about it, she simply can not. She becomes agitated and angry. My little girl has a million ways to distract herself and anyone else from seeing the mess that is locked in her heart. Until she can trust and be able to process that pain she will keep everyone locked out and use any means that she needs to in order to protect herself. 2 months ago when we had the Darling incident (where she put my mini schnauzer over a fence to be attacked by an aggressive dog, we started the process of having Sweetie evaluated for additional service. These services could be one of the following: 1. Intensive Home Therapy, where they have a team of 3 come into our home 3-5 times a week to work with Sweetie and us as a family. 2. Day Treatment, where she would go to school at a special school for kids with emotional/behavioral issues. 3. Residential Care, where she would move basically a boarding school for children with emotional/behavioral issues. We would only get to talk to her and visit her when they said we could. We would attend therapy with her weekly. Sweetie's evaluation was this past Friday. It is times like this that I can see how truly sick she is. A mentally healthy child would be on their best behavior during a visit like this. But not my Sweetie. She was acting out more than normal. The evaluation was a 3 hour interview, that could have been done in an hour if we could just answer the questions. But each time I was asked a question and I would start to respond, Sweetie would cut me off, argue and say I was lying. That was over the minor stuff. Like dates of events. According to Sweetie, Darlings incident was over the summer and that is why we sent her the hospital. She does not remember the events that sent her to the hospital. The fact is she was in the hospital in September and Darling was attacked in November. She showed no remorse and said she doesn't understand what the big deal was. At one point she picked up her chair and was lifting it up over her head. The psychologist seemed most interested in Sweetie's response when the psychologist asked me if we planned on adopting any other children. My response was yes, when either Sweetie is old enough to live on her own or healthy enough to handle it. Sweetie blurted out "Well then, I will just stay sick". The psychologist asked if she would stay sick even if that meant hurting us and she said yes. She then asked if Sweetie would stay sick if that meant hurting herself and her future and she again said yes. Soon after that the psychologist wrapped up the testing and gave us her opinion of what she was recommending and that was residential treatment. Her feeling was that Sweetie has been in therapy for so long and has not benefited from it, she felt she needed more intense therapy than what can be offered outpatient. I want her to talk to Ms. Dana our attachment therapist. Up until last week we had been discussing the need for residential but have been doing everything we can to avoid it. Last week she said she didn't feel it would work for Sweetie and that going to see Dr. Gregory Keck in Ohio would be the best thing for her. He is one of the leading authorities on attachment. However we would be looking at $10,000 for 10 days. That doesn't count the money lost from time out of work. So unfortunately this is not an option. My husband is completely checked out of parenting Sweetie. He lets her do what she wants and eat what she wants because it is easier than fighting with her. So that leaves everything on my shoulders. I really do not want to send Sweetie to residential. I worked so hard for so long to have a child and now they expect me to send her away for 9 months-a year. Is it my own issues that are stopping me from sending her? Am I being selfish? I do worry that she could learn worse things there. I worry she could be mistreated. But mostly I feel she will feel we have abandoned her as well. That we are indeed like everyone else, we couldn't handle her and we sent her away. It is not like she has been with us for years. Do I wait for another big incident? But how big of an incident is too big? What can the next thing be? Each big incident seems to get more intense. Even though Ms. Dana is not a fan of Intensive Home Therapy, I want to try that before we consider residential. She does not qualify for the day program, because she holds it together in school. I will wait until I talk to our attachment therapist Ms. Dana on Saturday before I decide on anything .I pray I make the right decision. The wrong decision could jeopardize her metal health for the rest of her life. I wish I knew in my heart and mind what the best thing to do was. What I think is right changes several times a day. I cannot put her there if there is any doubt in my mind and right now there is doubt. I wish I knew how to help fix her heart.

Christmas Eve With You

When you are waiting for your child to come home you have plenty of time to fantasize about the holidays with them. And like so many of our children, we have these unrealistic visions of what our first Christmas should be. You might tell yourself over and over again that your child is not capable of appreciating the gifts being showered upon her. You prepare for tantrums as best you can. You think you are ready, but then the excitement takes over and you start to anticipate that this Christmas might just turn out how you dreamed and then it all comes crashing down. Sweetie, like so many other children coming home from foster care is having huge issues during the holidays. We have been dealing with daily defiance on just about anything. I am trying to create as many moments of joy as I can. Even if it is just for a minute, we need these moments! Sweetie had another rough day yesterday. So I decided we should do a little baking therapy and made some gingerbread cookies. There is always a way to make a mess and a get a good laugh while making cookies! While we were decorating our gingerbread cookies I dabbed frosting on my nose and then Sweetie's nose. This turned into a frosting fight! Sweetie was laughing so hard she pee'd herself. It was awesome to chase her around the house trying to rub frosting in her hair and on her face! It was really awesome to see her so happy. She really is like a toddler when she drops her guard. I love to spend time with this Sweetie. She is the one who yells "Mommy and comes running to my bedroom door the minute she hears me up in the am". Now the "controlling Sweetie" is the one that was slamming the bathroom door repeatedly to wake me up just 2 minutes earlier. But at this stage of development emotionally she does not realize that 2 Sweeties are one in the same. And developmentally this is right on target for a toddler. It's called Permanency. To believe something exist even when you can't see it. It is the most basic of developmental benchmarks and so many children in foster care have a weak version of it or non at all. I do not believe Sweetie has it at all. Out of sight is truly out of mind. As if it never existed at all. I could go into her room any day and remove half her toys and she would not even know that anything was missing. I know because I have done this. When she was in the hospital, Shelli came over and we cleaned up and purged so many toys and clothing. Sh has never even asked about it. Even when she was at Shelli's house and was playing with one of the toys we cleaned out that I gave to Shelli to have at her house for her nephew to play with, she just said "I used to have one of these". This is really important because when she can't see me, it is almost as if I don't exist or as if I am not coming back. She is genuinely excited every time I do come home. She cheers and has a genuine sense of relief. Can you imagine feeling in your core that every time your loved one walked out the door they were not returning. Take that one step further and now imagine that it has happened so much that you are not upset by the fact that that person may never come back. Everyone else goes away and doesn't come back, so why expect that loved one to? That must be a scary place to live. We have been giving a gift or two a day to limit the number of gifts under the tree. Having a ton be here on Christmas morning would completely throw her into a tantrum. She will either love everything, feel unworthy of the gifts and sabotage the or she will feel she didn't get enough and will be mad about that. So either way we are sitting on top of a ticking time bomb. This really was not how I envisioned Christmas at all! These are the real things that adoptive parents face that you don't hear about. We had a wonderful service at church tonight. It was so nice to share that time with Sweetie, to sit with my arm wrapped around her, her head on my shoulder as we sang various Christmas songs. That has been the highlight of my Christmas season. I was so proud of her for sitting through the whole service. She grabbed a program and asked if we could scrapbook about it. My hope and prayer this Christmas is that the seeds that were planted in service tonight will grow and blossom in her. That she will know her worthiness. That she will come to know true unconditional love.That her heart will fully heal from the trauma and be filled with love and compassion for others. It is almost midnight on Christmas Eve and all the presents are wrapped and under the tree. I am sitting here in the glow of the Christmas tree and I reflect upon the crazy year that has passed. What a year it has been. It started as the most incredible year, followed by the greatest heartbreak of my life. But tonight I sit here a mom. Our family may be broken in ways that may never be fixed, but we are a family. We are a family full of love and laughter. That is all I could ever ask for any Christmas.