The New Normal

I wish I could say that life after bringing Sweetie home has been great and everything I dreamed it would be. It is not what I dreamed, but it is mostly what I expected. My child lives in a world of constant hurt and fear. She mask this fear and hurt with rage.The years of abuse and neglect have taken such a toll on her little soul. Her body is stuck in the constant state of hypervigelence, where she is always waiting for the next attack. She doesn't yet know that the attack isn't going to come. She lives in a world where EVERY adult has hurt her or left her...until now. So why would she expect us to be any different?  Sweetie has been here a little over a month and we have had some pretty intense times. The longer she is with me, the more I see the Reactive Attachment Disorder (R.A.D.) and the more I realize that she has some pretty major sensory processing issues, that have never been addressed. So many of Sweetie's needs have not been met. She has been diagnosed with needing 2 root canals on adult teeth and needing several fillings. There is absolutely no excuse for this!!! Her dental care has been 100% covered for her. We now need to pay for an anesthesiologist to come into the pediatric dentist to do IV sedation because she will be unable to handle having the dental work done. A huge THANK YOU goes out to Kim for taking Sweetie to the dentist for her cleaning. I know it was not easy!!! All of Sweetie's visits to doctors/dentist have been awful.Like it is when you take a toddler to get shots, only my toddler is 12. Her control issues create a world in which she is confrontational & defensive constantly. There is so little joy in her. But there are moments. I try to create as many moments as I can. This past week, I drove home wearing a faux mustache beeping the horn and waving at people. She was laughing so hard she almost pee'd. These moments are so far and few. But they are awesome when they do happen.

When I started this journey to become a mom it was all about filling my needs. Now my needs are non-existent. I truly see this as a life or death situation for Sweetie. If she was not matched with us I truly believe she would fall into a life that would surely end her life at a young age. I know that there are going to be many bad days until we can help Sweetie heal.

Today was one of those really really bad days....

We had attachment therapy scheduled, like we do every week. I prepared her like I always do. This morning I tried to make it extra special by having her help me make sugared donuts. She seemed to enjoy this activity, but then refused to eat. Like I do for every time we need to leave the house I give her the 30 minute, 15 minute and 5 minute announcement. At the 5 minute mark she announces that she is not coming. So, I take a breath and pull out some "Love and Logic" parenting and state you have 2 choices, you can either get dressed and walk to the car or I can carry you. I waited 5 minutes and she did not move and repeated that she was not going. I then grabbed a blanket and proceeded to attempt to pick her up. I am glad to say in the last month Sweetie went from weighing 69 pounds to 78. But sadly that 9 pounds had made her more difficult to pick up. When I attempted to pick her up it started a rage that kicked through her bedroom door , put a hole in the wall and broke her phone. The thing I came to realize during today's rage is that when she is in one she is reliving the past traumas of her life as if they are happening right now. An example of this is while she is on the ground thrashing around she is screaming bloody murder for me to stop kicking her, even though I was several feet away from her. Eventually we were able to get her into the car where she continued to verbally lash out, calling me every name in the book, telling me that I am never meant to be a mother and that is why I could not have children, she called me a child abuser and that I was going to hell for what I am doing to her. It took her several hours to get completely regulated after this. I was glad in therapy that our therapist agreed that I did the right thing by attempting to pick her up. 

I know that the closer she gets to feeling loved the more her defenses go into overdrive. This is the stuff they do not prepare you for in MAPP classes. They don't show you the real pain behind the children's cute faces. 

But after it all there is still HOPE! God, is really showing me that in my journey with Sweetie. It is in the small things but HOPE is still there. It is when tonight she sat on the bed with Cris & I and with tears in her eyes said that she wishes we could see how sad she feels for what she has done today. That she knows that saying sorry does not fix things. But she wants to fix it. This is my HOPE!!! Many children with RAD have no remorse at all. They do not care if they broke something or hurt someone. Sweetie does!!! For that I am grateful. I am also grateful that she learned her lesson from this that I do follow through on what I say. While we were sitting on the bed, I asked so next time I give you a choice to walk or be carried what do you think you will do. She responded that she was absolutely going to walk. 

Sweetie will be working hard to earn the money to repair the door and the wall. She feels the need to fix the damage. Before we even had a chance to discuss with her our plan to pay for the door, she brought it to us that she knows she needs to repair the damage and was asking about what we thought it would cost. 

The day was exhausting as most are now a days, but in the end we had growth. That is what matters right?

Here is a video for Kelly Clarkson's newest Dark Side. Music is a big part of how I get through to Sweetie. I have very intentionally picked music playing most of the time. I love when I hear her singing part of the songs. I know the messages are sinking in. 

Week 3

You know what is amazing? That I can not remember my life before Sweetie right now. All of those moments that I was freaking out over something that wasn't going how I expected during the approval process seem almost as if they may have been a dream. I can't even remember what specific things had me upset. Every moment of everyday is now about meeting her needs. This hole of needs that will most likely never be filled. But I will keep trying. This week was a trying one at times, but fun at others. Adjusting to being the mom of a special needs teen is most definitely a difficult one. But this warrior mom is in for the long haul and we will get through this. We are taking it minute by minute around here.They do not tell you of these things in your adoption training classes. But than again if they did, how many of those people would have still done this?
The good news is no violent tantrums this past week. So we are better than the week before!
Her needs are becoming more and more evident every day. And every day my heart breaks a little more.
My daughter is so wounded that she is in a constant place of mad and sad. I have probably only seen her really laugh 3 times in 3 weeks.
As I have mentioned in previous post my daughter has been diagnosed with RAD. From our initial contact, I thought it was a misdiagnosis. But the longer she is hear, the more I see she is textbook. Unfortunately for RAD kids (sometimes called RADishes) have the need to have control of everything around them or they feel as if they will perish. It is such a primal response and extremely unconscious to them. If they are in control, they feel they can't be hurt. We had a lot going on this week with her constant battle for control against anybody or thing. To be honest it is exhausting. But with God's grace we make it to the end of each day.
I sat in church this am listening to the music as I rubbed Sweetie's back and it just hit me, how much hurt she feels constantly. It was a bit overwhelming to even just think about. I can not imagine how she can even function, with the constant feeling of not being safe, always feeling like I am going to hurt her or send her back. I can try to reassure her all I want, but it doesn't change the fact that many times people have said exactly what I say and they sent her away. During therapy yesterday this came up. How everyone sent her on to the next family because she was a bad kid. It is so sad that she really believes that she is bad and she perceives everything as being an attack against her. This makes parenting a challenge. I have to be so deliberate in every word I say and every action because it is being watched and she is just looking for me to fail her, just like everyone else has.
We head to NY Friday to visit family. I am excited and scared all at the same time. I worry about the airport being overwhelming, I worry that she may not be able to handle meeting a bunch of new family, I am am afraid she will be jealous of other people and have a huge tantrum at my parents 25th Anniversary party this weekend. But I can not live in fear. I have to face it and overcome any challenges that arise.
I hope this does not come across as a rant. I knew what I was getting into and I am still here. And I wll remain here.
As always I am grateful for my wonderful support system. I am especially grateful to friends who have been helping with child care and for the wonderful meals that Warehouse ladies have been bringing us!

Great song that they performed in service today.

Big Week

This week has just flown by! Overall it has been a good week. We are still adjusting to life as a family. Getting used to driving Sweetie to Kim's each morning before work and then picking her up again has been the biggest adjustment. This has been made a bit easier with awesome friends like Antoinette and Amy making us meals! These have been lifesavers. The time that I would normally be cooking, I can spend doing things with Sweetie.

 We had some big milestones in our adoption journey. We had been looking for someone to notarize our Adoption Petition and Sweetie's Consent for Adoption, however we had been unsuccessful. We had finally just come to realization that we would have to just go to a bank and do it. I wanted it to more special than that. Than I received a message on Facebook from Kim that someone I had meet through SPAFA had contacted her and offered to do it. So I contacted Linda on Facebook and she wrote back that she could come right now! WOW!!! So I made some quick calls to get witnesses. At almost 9 at night Linda as well as my neighbors Amy and Joe came over to be our witnesses. I feel so fortunate to have people in our lives that we can call at night, who will drop what ever it is that they are doing to be a part of our journey. It was so nice to be able to stand around our kitchen table while each person signed.

The next night we had our first post adoption visit with Erin from the Nathanson Adoption Agency! She was Awesome!!! She gets Sweetie's special needs and really made us feel at ease. Sweetie was a bit quiet and rough with her answering at first, but quickly warmed up. I am sure having a social worker in the house brought up all kinds of bad feelings. Another time there has been one in her home in the past was not for good things. Erin confirmed with me that we were handling Sweetie exactly how we should and she seemed very pleased with us as parents. Just 2 more visits with her and we are good to go! We are scheduled for our 2nd visit August 22nd. Right before school starts.

The next day, Sweetie was having a rough time. I think that her big feelings of fear were starting to surface. She told Cris that I lied to her and tricked her into signing her Consent for Adoption. Part of me was hurt by this, but I understand that she sometimes only pays attention to parts of sentences and creates "realities" around that fragment of a sentence. I handled this by putting her consent and our petition in an addressed, stamped envelope and giving it to her to mail when she felt ready. Today while she was with Kim, they went to a mailbox where she mailed put it in the mailbox herself. Which is what she is doing in the above picture :)
She then went to an art class today where she did a beautiful VanGogh copy. Sweetie is very talented in the arts. She can draw, paint and is musically inclined.

 Sweetie has been starting to eat better. She is now up to 75 pounds from 69 pounds and she is super excited about this, as am I! Ideal weight is 81-91 pounds for her height. So we are almost there. Her appetite is suppressed by the medications she takes, so finding creative ways to get good calories in has been tricky, but we are doing.

Again, I sit here amazed by the support we are receiving. My dear friend Kim, who I swear is a saint has been so wonderful and has been taking great care of Sweetie during work days. Some adoptive parents from church have reached out to me.It is just so amazing how many people have touched our lives through out this journey! We are truly blessed.

Week One

What a week... I am completely exhausted. Lots of good moments and some not so good ones. 

Last Saturday Cris & I got up at 3 am and drove 19 hours round trip to bring Sweetie home. 

After 18 months the day was here! I was excited but anxious. Not knowing what we would be walking into. I knew that this was going to be difficult on Sweetie. I can not imagine how difficult it must have been on her to leave Ms. T, her Fostermom. To see Sweetie breakdown when we were leaving was heartbreaking. Overall the trip home was pretty good. Considering she had to spend so much time in the car, she did well. 

Unfortunately, I was unable to take any time off and that meant we had to jump right into a routine.

I am not sure if it is a good thing or not. I have been really blessed that my friend K has really been awesome and is watching Sweetie during the week while I am at work. Sweetie has really enjoyed going there during the day. She hangs out with K's daughter and has a lot of fun! I am glad because when she comes home she is absolutely miserable. She has so many big feelings and doesn't know how to deal with them, so they come out as anger. Anger directed at the person closest to het and that is usually mom. This is the stuff they don't tell you about in MAPP class. If it wasn't for my friendship with K, I would have never been prepared for this last week. 

I know I have a following of people who are behind us in the adoption process and I really want to stress to you to take this time to read and listen to cd's about trauma and loss, love and logic parenting and anything else you can get your hands on to prepare! A great resource is the Utah Adoption Exchange Lending Library. They lend out 3 books, cd's or videos of all kinds of adoption resources at a time for no charge. They survive solely on donations.  I prefer the cd's,I listen in my car to and from work. These resources have prepared me for what we would be facing and given me the tools I would need to handle everything calmly which is the most important thing. 

Children who come from trauma have many different issues, things you don't even think about like sensory issues. Temperature, Noises and just saying no can send them into a complete downward spiral. 

The closer they feel to you the more they push away. It is a hard road...but one that we are committed to. 

Wednesday we have our first post adoption visit with a social worker. I have been working to get Sweeties medical benefits switched to NC all week. Friday I was told 45 days. This is unacceptable. She needs weekly therapy and her medications are hundreds of dollars each. So, I will do what I do and work until I get this fixed too. It is so frustrating that everything in the system takes so long. We are going to get our adoption paperwork notarize this weekso we can get it in. I will try to continue to update my blog as much as I can, but free time is almost nonexistent. 

I can't end this on a bad note... so I will share what I did this am to lighten the mood some. While making breakfast this am, instead of cracking the egg of the side of the bowl, I used my head getting egg everywhere. Sweetie absolutely loved this. It was the firsttime all week she just laughed. That made me happy :)  

Mom Jeans

2 days and I am a mom! I can't believe it is finally here. 18 months, 15,000 views on my blog and more paperwork than I ever imagined we are finally here! So, I have one question...do I now I have to start wearing mom jeans? haha
Seriously though, I have been a nervous wreck...I hate to open my email or look at my phone for fear that I might get a call or email that says "oops...we made a mistake, it's not going to happen". 

What an amazingly insane journey. As many times as I wish that things would move quicker, I know in all my heart that things happened as they should. If one thing happened sooner we would not be here with Sweetie.

I know the next few weeks...more likely months will be complete chaos as we try to adjust to having a tween in the house. I have never been so scared in my life as I am now... seriously, I have run into burning buildings and jumped into cars that have been wrecked while they extricated patients... and that all seems easy compared to what we are facing. We are going to have to become "therapeutic parents". Which is what I have been educating myself on for the last 18 months.
Sweetie has some special needs and will need a special form of parenting. Here is one of my favorite videos to show the style of parenting I am going to be using. I have been using it with her and it has worked :)

This is something I would like those of you who will be an active part of our lives to watch, in hopes that you may understand why I do something that may seem weird with Sweetie. Due to the trauma that Sweetie experienced during the first 12 years of her life she has developed what they call Reactive Attachment Disorder.

Here are some facts about children with RAD

• RAD children, those having attachment problems, simply do not trust you to keep them feeling safe. Even though you give them a safe place in which to live, they still expect something “bad” to happen to them like it did when they were younger. Or,unconsciously, they don't really believe you're going to keep them and not send them away.

• A parent’s angry voice reminds them of earlier times when an angry voice sometimes meant they would be physically hurt, and/or neglected.

• When children having attachment problems become upset, they lose their ability to think rationally because they unconsciously and immediately regress emotionally to a younger age somewhere between the ages of one to three. They're not able to understand anything you say because they're not feeling safe. Have you ever tried to reason with a two year old who’s upset and/or angry?

• Because of earlier life experiences, many of these children decided they could only count on themselves for survival. They became their own inner parent. If this is so, why should they count on you?

• Because they need to feel they’re in control in order to feel safe, they play lots of unconscious mind games with unsuspecting parents so they can feel bigger and stronger. These games can be very subtle to the untrained eyes and ears.

• They have an over all unconscious belief about themselves that says they are not worth loving and they are not important. They therefore unknowingly, create situations which can be extremely annoying and frustrating to parents, thus proving this belief about themselves is true.

• When they’re sent to their rooms for a time-out, it can often be a relief. Or, they become angry at you for abandoning them instead of looking at what they did to be sent to their room in the first place. Hence, they don’t learn anything from the experience and will repeat the negative behavior again and again and again…. 

I am hoping knowing these things may give you some insight into the difficulties that Sweetie will be battling with...most of it on a subconscious level. Unfortunately her trauma is still going on. Yes, she now has a "Forever Family", and we are ecstatic that she will finally be here with us. But my heart hurts for her that she will be suffering another loss this Saturday. She will have to say good bye to yet another family and move 8 hours away from everything she knows to live with a family that she has only spent 13 days with. No matter how many times we tell her we are her family, time is the only thing that will prove it to her. And sadly she may never truly believe that we won't abandon her.

This brings me to another topic that is touchy for her. She doesn't want anyone to know she is adopted.
Now, you and I know that people are going to notice that we all of a sudden have a 12 year old. But I would ask that those of you who know us respect her wishes and not bring up the fact that she is being adopted. No comments about how lucky she is that we picked her or anything like that. For so many years she has been the "Foster Kid" which comes with a lot of prejudice. She just wants to be a normal kid and doesn't want to be different anymore.

I appreciate you respecting her wishes and I am so grateful for all the support you all have shown us over that last year and a half. Love to you all!

Almost there!

Whew, the last couple of weeks have been absolutely insane! Florida Interstate Compact Office had approved our adoption almost 2 weeks ago and sent it on to North Carolina. When I first contacted North Carolina's Interstate Compact Office they told me it usually takes 60 days. 60 Days!!!! I was freaking out! 

School starts in less than 60 days. Poor Sweetie would have to start 6th grade in Florida and then move her a few weeks later... that would have been awful for her. We have been upfront with Sweetie about the process, so I shared with her that it may take a while and that I was going to do everything in my power to get her here soon. Little did she know that I really meant that I would do everything in my power. Sweetie's behavior started to decline. So I had to do something.

Those who know me well, know that I once I get something in my head, I am like a bull that will just plow through until I get what I want.  Well, that is what I did. I emailed everyone and anyone I could find online that may have some connection to either Intestate Compact Office. I even emailed our state Senators and Representatives. And when I say email, I mean emailed them every day! I did that and just prayed. 

Well, 2 days ago I got the email that North Carolina approved the adoption as well. 

Now on Monday Sweetie's social worker has to file one last form that usually takes 5 days to get approved and we can bring her home. So it should only be a week or two more before I our girl comes home!!!

Sweetie's First Visit Home

What a whirlwind weekend! I am pretty sure that going to Disney this past weekend was a mistake, Oh well... you live you learn! The hot weather and the sensory overload was a bit too much for our visit this past weekend. Unfortunately, time at Disney World itself was not really that great. The times that were great were the simpler moments, swimming together in the pool, or cuddling in bed rubbing Sweetie's arms as she feel asleep each night. I am happy to say that after a very long ride home we are adjusting well to home life.It is a much quieter pace than what we experienced last weekend. The rest of the week we have laid low. Tuesday we went to the pool, did some chores and then Sweetie made a cake and helped make dinner for Cris. 

She did a great job on the cake! She decorated it with Popcorn and Red Hots...it said I Love You Papi. 

Wednesday we just hung out around the house.

Thursday we went shopping and painted Sweeties Bathroom Lime Green and Bright Purple.

Friday we went to Mrs. Amy's house for ice cream sundaes and to hang out with Hollister and the babies.

Then last night we went to music at the pond in our neighborhood. 

This week was a big change, like expected. Sweetie is non-stop energy. And like most kids her age she is "bored" all the time. Even at Disney World...but I know she had a good time. 

We got up at 3am today and did a round trip down to Florida and back to drop off Sweetie. It was really hard on her this time. Before I went to bed around midnight I checked in on her and she was in her room sobbing. It was so heartbreaking. This has got to be so scary for her. I just held her and rocked her on my lap. Until she calmed down, then we played with her barbies for a little while. She did well on the ride. Since she didn't sleep much last night, she slept a lot of the ride down. We miss her already! 

Adoption Expo

Hey ya'll! Boy am I wiped out... but never to tired to update my blog! 

I am not sure if wrote about my involvement with SPAFA before now in my blog.

SPAFA is Southern Piedmont Adoptive Families of America. It is a group of adoptive families that provide support and educational resources to the adoptive community. This year I am Vice-President. One of our big events of the year is our Adoption Expo. We hosted this Expo today! We had 14 different adoption agencies/vendors present and had a wonderful Key Note Speaker, Dawn Davenport of Creating A Family.

It was a wonderfully successful event with over 100 in attendance. This was a ton of work, but it is so worth it to help families get started on the journeys to growing their families through adoption. I wish I had known about SPAFA when I started our journey. It would have been great to know of all of the choices that are available here in the Charlotte area. I was amazed at the number of choices. More so I was impressed by the people who attended the Expo. Some absolutely fabulous people are getting ready to go through the process to adopt a child. It is amazing to know that so many children's lives are going to be better because of these people! Seriously, over 100 people were there to educate themselves! How awesome is that? They are not going into this blindly like so many do. I give these people some major kudos for this!!! It just gives me so much hope for the futures of these kids and for the continued growth of SPAFA. 

The thing I have loved the most about becoming a member of SPAFA is the friendships I have made. The women here have been like sisters to me. The have cried with me in my lowest moments and have celebrate in our triumphs. They are all so amazing and I am grateful every day for the blessing that they have become to my life! 

Meanwhile while I was running around in a million directions my husband was out of town on a work trip to Miami. On his way back he stopped in to spend some time with Sweetie! He was so happy... I am going to just copy and past his Facebook status... please excuse the grammar (Cris is from Ecuador and English is his second language,,he spells things how they sound to him)...I think it makes the following even cuter!

 "What can I said, she is my new reason for live . I stop and have dinner and did some shopping with Sweetie and I enjoy every minute it"

God Mother & Fairy God Mother

Sweetie is going to be one spoiled girl. We have decided instead of having a God Mother and a God Father to have 2 God Mothers. Or I should say a God Mother and a Fairy God Mother. 

I am a very fortunate girl to be blessed with many people in in my life that love us and are super supportive during good times and bad. In this world we are lucky if we can find one friend who truly gets you...I mean all of you. Not just the person that people see on the outside. These friends know the us at our worst. They are the ones that can tell you are having a crappy day within 2 seconds of talking to you on the phone. 

They are honest with you even when it is something you may not want to hear. In essence they are your sister, just not by birth. I have been blessed with not just one of these people, but two. In some ways my 2 best friends are  as completely opposite as you can get, but the one thing they both have in common is enormous hearts and the fact that we instantly clicked. As if they are my soul sisters and we were always meant to be in each others lives. They have been there to have fun with and go on vacation with. But more importantly, they have been there in the darkest of days. I can not even begin to imagine my life without them in it. They are as important to me as my husband, family and dogs. Sweetie is going to be so blessed to have these 2 amazing women in her life to have for support when she can't come to me because I am "Mom". That gives me such a sense of peace to know that Sweetie is going to have a family here in Charlotte to rely on. What more can a mom ask for from anyone? 

We are 2 weeks out from our trip to go down and bring Sweetie to Disney and then bring her up here. 

Her Fairy God Mother has been working in overdrive making plans to make this trip as magical as possible. With all kinds of surprises. Surely ones that will make me cry. This will be Sweetie's first trip to Disney. I can only imagine her excitement. 

I can not wait for her to come to Charlotte and meet her God Mother and the other important people in our lives. It is going to be an amazing week!!!

Next Visit Scheduled

I spoke with Sweetie's therapist today and he is very happy about our weekend with Sweetie. He got permission for us to be able to skip our next visit and go straight to having her visit us! YAY!!!!

So my dear friend Kim and her daughter are going to drive down with me Saturday, June 9th, pick up Sweetie and go to Disney!!! We are going to stay at the Port Orleans in one of the Princess Rooms...

We are going to go Saturday-Sunday and will drive back to North Carolina on Monday with Sweetie!!! 

She will stay with us until Saturday! I can't wait to tell her tomorrow when we have a midweek call! 

I am so excited and can not wait to bring her to Disney for the first time!