One of the hardest parts of loving a hurt child is when the can't receive love. I mean really accept it and take it into their hearts. There are times when I doubt that I am really getting through to Sweetie's heart and there are other times when I believe that I am. I have to believe that I am! There is no other option.
I know so many adoptive moms. And each has such different obstacles to overcome to be able to have their child accept that they are without a shadow of a doubt loved. Sweetie has been here for almost 6 months and we have been communicating with her almost 8 months. It seems so short and yet it feels like forever.
Even with being here day in and day out, through everything Sweetie still believes we will leave her, that I will leave her. No matter what I say or what my actions are, there is still a deep seeded fear that I will abandon her. Sweetie is bonding to me. I can see it. It scares her to death. She has begun to open up in therapy about the horrors of her life. When she does share things she always looks at me and says " I thought you wouldn't love me if you knew". It really saddens me that she feels afraid to tell me things because she believes I will not love her. That must be such a scary place to live. I will continue to love her as I have. I continue to have a very structured routine with her, but I also try to have fun and laugh. She has the most wonderful laugh when she really does laugh. There are many tears in our house lately. Sweetie is really starting to process the many events of her life that landed her in foster care. With each new secret she is met with more love, more understanding and absolutely no judgement. I love her all the same. Part of why she can start to move on is they found a home for Sweetie's sister Angie in Florida. Someone willing to take her and the baby she is carrying. This has taken a load off of Sweetie's shoulders. She is very happy about this. She understands it is what is for the best. She says she is happy now that Angie has a family too.
Now we can really work on healing. Thanks to a friend sharing her awesome experiences with EMDR I discussed it with Sweetie's therapist and we are going to add that to her therapy. Sweetie seems really interested in this process as well. She wants to be able to get the flashes of memories out of her head. She has them several times a day. The best way for us to understand is to imagine a movie of the worst events of your life replaying in your mind over and over again. I do not doubt that this is what causes children like Sweetie to seem like they have ADHD. They are trying to keep the movie from playing, and as long they are moving or talking (Singing) the movie stops for that moment. But the minute quiet settles in they are left with their thoughts and the movie starts up again. I am praying that this will be a key to her healing. If she can stop the movie from replaying and reopening old deep wound then she will have a better chance of absorbing all the love I pour into her.
I always hear music that is so appropriate for what is going on in this moment in our lives. God really has a way of messaging through the arts. Even though this song is not original made for a relationship between a mother and daughter, it is perfect for us.
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