Farther Along

 

 Farther along we'll know all about it

 Farther along we'll understand why

 So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine 

 We'll understand this, all by and by

Last year sometime my friend and wonderful neighbor Amy made a mixed cd for me. Yes, I have friends who make mixed cd's and so do I! I actually think it is one of the nicest gifts you can give someone. One puts a lot of time and thought into making a playlist. I didn't realize how hard it was until I started making them myself, for other people. I remember thinking " It's just music right?". But it is so much more. Music can  cheer someone up or help them grieve. It is amazing how through our journey with all of the twists and turns that there has been the perfect song there for everything. Let me get back to my original thought... the cd.  I believe the second song on the cd was Josh Garrel's version of Farther Along.  It soon became a favorite of mine. How I look forward to that time when I will understand why. There have been many times in my life and particularly in our  journey that I needed to concentrate on these words to get us through. The losses of my early childhood have prepared me to be Sweetie's mother. The friendships that I have lost have made room for truly incredible friendships with people who love me unconditionally. Everything I have done in my life has led me to right here. A new mom to a special teen daughter with the potential of being the mom to a baby as well. I am torn about the situation surrounding the potential adoptive placement of  a baby boy.
I hurt for Sweetie's young sister whohas delivered this baby and has no concept of love or on how to be in a family or be a mom. I hate that her soul is so wounded that she takes more comfort in living on the streets than living with a foster family. My heart grieves for her lost innocence and the loss of the loving  family that she never got to experience. I pray that God will heal her heart and help her find her way to safety. But I also want her baby to be safe. I want the cycle of abuse and neglect to be stopped. Sweetie's sister does not know anything but abuse and neglect. She has never had a role model to help her begin to understand unconditional love, so how could she know what it is or how to give the same kind of love. Love is just a word to my Sweetie. It is an empty word, something that she believes is expected to be said, so she says it.. The longer Sweetie is with us I can see she has no idea how to accept real love or how to love someone else.
I can't bear to think about the baby living in the same scenario that Sweetie and her sister  lived through.
We are at a hard place right now and I am unsure of what to do. It can take around 90 days to get our home study completed and approved. It is costly and will be a ton of work...again!
Sweetie is wishy washy about the potential of the baby coming to live with us. She worries that we will pay attention to the baby and ignore her. But she worries about him living with foster families. No matter what it will be difficult. I have been trying not to get too excited about this. I don't feel my heart can take another kick. I may be a strong woman, but everyone has their limits.
But I have to believe there is a reason for every thing that has happened in my life. The good, the bad and the ugly. So for now I have to just pray that God has me on the correct path.
It has amazed me how some paths have crossed with mine multiple times. Last year around this time I had inqured about 3 kids, 2 boys and a girl. All tween/teens. At that time they were already recently matched and were not available any more. Then today out of nowhere, one of the woman from our MAPP training class sent me a picture of her with the same 3 beautiful children.I was so excited  first because they are a great home for these kids. And secondly I am excited because I may have the opportunity to meet the kids! 

I am just grateful to be where we are at right now. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks ya'll!

Breakthrough

The last few weeks have been rough, really rough. So much so that I began to doubt that Sweetie could find healing. It has been weeks of 2 minute phone calls where she hangs up or is rude, yelling at me that she doesn't have to care about me and that she doesn't want me as a mom. I know with my head that this just the Reactive Attachment Disorder, but it still hurts my heart. Therapies have been painfully awful, full of hateful words from her and tantrums, while I sit there trying to be supportive and loving. Wednesday's therapy was particularly awful when she spent and hour throwing things and beating on this giant polar bear toy screaming and yelling that the bear needed to die as she beat the crap out of it. She was back to the point where everything I do or don't do is scrutinized. It was unbearable.
So, last night like every day at 5:00, I called her while driving home. And like every day for the last few weeks we had the same exact conversation. Me asking her open ended questions trying to get her to talk and her just giving 1 word answers or not answering at all. Then she will ask me to buy her several things, when I say no she gets angry and hangs up. Last night during my call Sweetie did her same not talk and then hang up. She talked to Cris at 7 and asked me to call. When I called back she said she was sorry but she knows I don't believe her. I answered that it hard to believe she is sorry when she keeps doing the same thing she says sorry for. she then started with arguing. I asked why she thought she felt so angry. She finally yelled out because I left her there. I told her she is right to feel that way. I would feel that way. I asked her if she thought being mean and hanging up made her feel any better. She didn't answer. I then asked what she thought she would accomplish by doing it. She said that we would send her to a foster home like one of her friends there. I immediately said That is not an option! She asked why not and I just repeated over and over again that it is not an option. I then said that the harder she pushes the more we are going to try, that she can not and will not push us away. She started crying and apologizing. Saying she doesn't know why she is like this. I told her that is what we are working on. She said she is doing great in the cottage just not with me. I told her that she needs to work with me on our relationship to come home. She said no that it is only her behavior in the cottage. I said honey this is not like foster care, other people aren't in charge of your life. If Papi and I saw you were working towards coming home we could bring you home, but if your working against us we can't see doing that. She said why don't you bring me home if you can. I said you are not ready yet. You have made good progress in your skills and learning to control your big tantrums and I am proud of that. But it is hard to see bringing you back home when you act like you hate us. It wouldn't feel safe. I asked her if she would like to start over? That we will forgive this last couple weeks that I hear her that she is angry about being there and I respect that and understand that. I told her that I love her more than anything and I will keep working and hoped she could too. She said she would try. We shall see. I thought this was pretty big. I would be interested to see how she processes this.
For now I will celebrate this small breakthrough. I know ity must be exhausting to live in her world. To be stuck in this fear, anger and unable to relax and just be loved. It must be awful to be caught in the grey.